7.22 The Lost City, Part 2 by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of The Lost City, Part 2, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps. Thank to both her and Tamela and for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine, and the ship still stinks on ice.
Previously on Stargate SG-1... Jack goes Ancient. Again. Hammond's pushed out of the SGC. Again. Kinsey's an ass. Again. Noticing a trend?

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[JACK'S WORKING ON A CROSSWORD PUZZLE. DANIEL SHOWS HIM A BOOK WITH ANCIENT WRITINGS.]

JACK: Daniel, I don't speak Ancient. Yet. And when I do, eventually, you know I'll never understand it.

DANIEL: You have to try.

YODA: No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

JACK: Look, last time things just popped into my fron.

DANIEL: Fron is head.

JACK: Now, you see, I have no idea what you're talking about.

AUDIENCE: You usually don't anyway.

SLASHERS: "Giving fron" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

[DANIEL TRIES TO TAKE JACK'S CROSSWORD PUZZLE AWAY, BUT HE SNATCHES IT BACK, SAYING HE WANTS TO TRY TO FINISH IT WHILE HE CAN. SAM ENTERS.]

DANIEL: Thirteen across, you wrote "taonas."

JACK: Yeah? So? What's it mean?

DANIEL: Well I don't know... you tell me. Eight down you wrote "proklarush."

SAM: What's eight down?

DANIEL: Umm... "label." There's empty spaces. I think the answer is supposed to be "identification." Thirteen across is "sphere"... Jack, this is it!

JACK: Now, see, I assume we still speak the same language... mostly.

DANIEL: Sphere. Planet. Label. Name.

JACK: Following. Still. You. Not!

YODA: Steal my shtick, you should not. Whip your skinny human butt, I will.

BDSMers: Promise?

DANIEL: Proklarush Taonas. I think you wrote the name of the planet where we'll find the Lost City in the crossword.

JACK: Bit of a jump.

AUDIENCE: You should be used to it by now.

DANIEL: Well, why else would you do that?

AUDIENCE: Why does Colonel Cosmic Giddiness do *anything* now?

[SAM LOOKS AT THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.]

SAM: The clue for seven down is "celestial body" and he wrote "Uma Thurman."

DANIEL: It has to mean something.

JACK: It does.

AUDIENCE: The love affair with Mary Steenburgen is over?

[JACK GRABS THE PUZZLE BACK, THEN LOOKS AT IT INTENSELY WHILE SAM AND DANIEL WATCH.]

JACK: I'm hungry.

[JACK LEAVES, SAM AND DANIEL SHARE A LOOK.]

S/D SHIPPERS: [sigh]

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SGC COMMISSARY

[JACK, DANIEL AND SAM ARE AT A TABLE.]

DANIEL: "Proklarush Taonas." According to this it means "lost in fire." It was lost. This has to be the planet where the Lost City is.

SAM: Well, even if it is, knowing the name of the planet doesn't really help unless we have a Gate address to get us there.

[JACK RIPS DANIEL'S SG-1 PATCH OFF HIS SLEEVE AND PLACES IT ON THE TABLE.]

SLASHERS: Keep going!

DANIEL FANS: But get a room!

SMUTTERS: Why?

SLASHERS: Because the surveillance cameras are better in the private rooms.

NOROMOS: [whimper]

JACK: At.

[JACK AND DANIEL GO THROUGH A "WHO'S ON FIRST" MINI-ROUTINE, AND DANIEL DETERMINES THAT JACK'S REFERING TO THE EARTH SYMBOL.]

JACK: You can stop... that. And don't ask me what it means -- I don't know.

DANIEL: I think I do.

AUDIENCE: You mean Sammie the Wonder Horse doesn't figure it out? [faint]

[DANIEL OPENS HIS NOTEBOOKS AND DRAWS A GATE SYMBOL.]

DANIEL: What's this?

JACK: Shh.

NOROMOS: If he's trying to say "ship" we're so very outtie.

AUDIENCE: Look on the bright side, perhaps he's trying to say "shippy shit."

S/J SHIPPERS: Maybe he's trying to get Daniel to shut up so he can declare his love!

SLASHERS: We'd be cool with that.

S/J SHIPPERS: No, his love for Sam!

S/D SHIPPERS: We'd be cool with that.

S/J SHIPPERS: [pulls out hair]

NOROMOS: Y'all are doing that on purpose, aren't you?

SLASHERS AND S/D SHIPPERS: But they're so easy to taunt, we can't help it.

[DANIEL AND SAM SHARE A LOOK, THEN LOOK BACK AT JACK.]

SAM: You just told us to be quiet.

JACK: No, when I look at this, I think "Shh."

DANIEL: That's it.

SAM: What?

[DANIEL CHECKS HIS NOTES.]

DANIEL: "Proklarush Taonas". Six syllables. What if each symbol on the Stargate has a corresponding sound so that it can be spoken aloud?

SAM: Like an alphabet.

DANIEL: Proklarush Taonas isn't just the name of the planet. It's also the Gate address.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL IS EXPLAINING TO DR. WEIR ABOUT THE ALPHABET FOR THE GATE SYMBOLS, AND WHAT THE ADDRESS FOR PROKLARUSH TAONAS AT SHOULD BE. SAM CHECKS IT IN A COMPUTER.]

SAM: Wait a minute. We dialed this same address over two years ago but we couldn't establish a wormhole. The gate must be buried.

DANIEL: Lost in fire.

SAM: Well, what we're looking for could still be there. I could use the address to calculate the planet's location in space but we'll need a ship to get there.

DANIEL: Prometheus.

AUDIENCE: The ugliest ship in the universe.

NOROMOS: Second ugliest.

WEIR: But with Anubis on his way, Prometheus is our last line of defense.

SAM: Maybe Teal'c has something by now.

[WEIR ASKS WHERE JACK IS, AND DANIEL SAYS HE'S PACKING.]

INT. SGC STOREROOM

[JACK IS COLLECTING ALL SORTS OF THINGS WHEN WEIR, DANIEL AND SAM WALK IN.]

WEIR: Colonel?

JACK: Don't ask.

SAM: The last time this happened he just started doing things without knowing why.

AUDIENCE: Isn't that pretty much normal for Jack?

EXT. CHULAK

[A JAFFA IS ADMITTED INTO A TENT, FOR AN AUDIENCE WITH BRA'TAC AND TEAL'C.]

RONAN: I am Ronan.

BRA'TAC: I knew your father.

RONAN: It is an honor.

AUDIENCE: He's going to be a bad guy, right?

WRITERS: Ack!

[RONAN TELLS THEM HE HAS A SHIP AT HIS DISPOSAL.]

NOROMOS: Don't mention that word, please!

[RONAN SAYS THEY CAN'T POSSIBLY DEFEAT ANUBIS WITH ONE SHIP. BRA'TAC EXPLAINS THEY'RE ONLY USING HIS SHIP TO FIND SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL.]

TEAL'C: Something that we believe will defeat Anubis once and for all.

RONAN: If that is true, then I will join you. That is my only condition. I am a fine pilot.

AUDIENCE: So he's a bad guy *and* and ass kisser.

SLASHERS: And not one of the good kind.

NOROMOS: There aren't enough brillo pads in this *quadrant* to scrub out that image.

INT SGC. GATE ROOM

[WEIR IS LOOKING AT BOXES AND CRATES FILLED WITH JACK'S... STUFF.]

WEIR: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink in the kitchen.

JACK: Is that a joke?

WEIR: Perhaps. A bad one.

AUDIENCE: Better than most of Jack's recently.

JACK: Yes, very bad. But I sense hope for you.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Torch, passing on of. We get it. Can Atlantis start at its scheduled time and we move on with Stargate?

[JACK GOES THROUGH THE GATE, FOLLOWED BY DANIEL AND SAM AND TECHNICIANS CARRYING BOXES.]

WEIR: Well, I hope for all of us that you find what you're looking for, Colonel.

INT. RONAN'S SCOUT SHIP

[JACK AND DANIEL SIT IN A ROOM, SURROUNDED BY THE BOXES. DANIEL IS WRITING IN HIS NOTEBOOK, WHILE JACK STARES OFF INTO SPACE.]

SLASHERS: Afterglow?

DANIEL: I would have done it, you know.

JACK: I know.

DANIEL: I mean, there has to be a way to reverse the effects, once we have what we need. We'll find a way.

[SAM COMES IN.]

SLASHERS: So now Sam has to be the one interrupting?

S/J SHIPPERS: There's nothing to interrupt between Jack and Daniel!

SLASHERS: Well, not now. They're both dressed.

SAM: We're coaxing everything we can out of the engines, but we're still two days away. How're you feeling, sir?

JACK: A bit cruvus. A little fronache.

SLASHERS: Too bad we already know what those words mean, and can't make up our own translation.

JACK : We need to go faster.

SLASHER: Yeah, that's what you were just telling Daniel.

[JACK LEAVES THE ROOM.]

EXT. SPACE

[TWO MOTHERSHIPS AND AN AL'KESH FLY PAST THE MOON ON THE WAY TO EARTH.]

INT. THE OVAL OFFICE

[THE REAL AIR FORCE CHIEF OF STAFF, GENERAL JOHN JUMPER, GUEST STARS AS HIMSELF, MEETING WITH THE PRESIDENT, VICE PRESIDENT, GENERAL MAYNARD AND GENERAL HAMMOND.]

JUMPER: Several viewers say there's a ship I need to check out. Where is it?

WRITERS: We have no idea what they're talking about.

S/J SHIPPERS: We do!

WRITERS: Shhh! Not. Now.

NOROMOS: [cackle] The worm has turned, eh, you little worms?

SLASHERS: Maintain radio silence.

JUMPER: Mr. President, a short time ago, our space-based radar detected three Goa'uld vessels emerging from hyperspace.

KINSEY: Three Goa'uld ships is hardly the full force of Anubis' fleet.

AUDIENCE: But they can still blow lots of shit up.

WRITERS: Yes, they can!

HAMMOND: Sounds to me like Anubis wants to know if SG-1 was successful in procuring Ancient defense technology.

KINSEY: They weren't.

HAMMOND: Not yet, but Anubis doesn't know that, you idiot.

HAYES: And he's most likely holding back his main invasion fleet till he finds out what we've got.

JUMPER: Sir, Prometheus and our fleet of 302s can give 'em a run for their money.

HAMMOND: If that's all he throws at us, yes, sir, I agree.

KINSEY: Let's do it!

HAMMOND: However, Mr. President, I agree with your assessment of the situation. Anubis' objective is to goad us into a precipitous action which will show our hand. I believe launching the Prometheus now will only serve to demonstrate we lack the very advanced weaponry Anubis is afraid of.

HAYES: Remain at DEF-CON 3 for the time being but contact the governments of Russia, Great Britain, France, China and Canada and let 'em know what we think we're in for. In the meantime, I'd better prepare a hell of a speech. Thank you.

INT. SCOUT SHIP

[JACK IS MAKING ADJUSTMENTS TO THE CRYSTALS IN THE ENGINE AS SAM WATCHES. HE BORROWS SAM'S ZAT TO SHOOT THEM, AND THE ENGINE SOUND INCREASES.]

NOROMOS: We sense the approach of the Shippy Hammer of Doom.

WRITERS: Your senses serve you well, grasshopper.

SAM: Sir, I think you should know that General Hammond authorized me to take command of the team if I determined that...

JACK: Do it now.

SAM: Sir, I don't think that's necessary.

JACK: I trust you. I'll make it easy for you. I resign. You're in charge.

SAM: OK. Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal'c showed up, what I was going to say was...

S/J SHIPPERS: I love you and want to quit the Air Force and have your babies!

NOROMOS: [checks stopwatch] Let's see, it took Sam two whole seconds after Jack resigned to make a complete fool of herself.

S/P SHIPPERS: No, she was going to say, "It would never work between us, sir, because you're an idiot. Besides, Pete's cute and has better knees."

SLASHERS: There are positions that are easier on the knees... Oh, wait. Nevermind, they're not aimed at hets, though they would probably work. But we don't really care.

JACK: I know.

AUDIENCE: They're homaging The Empire Strikes Back now. Sorry, but Jack is no Han Solo.

VIDDERS: He is if you've watched "Stargate Cantina."

NOROMOS: So now they're trying to show that Jack's in wuv with his Sammiekins, and have both characters be a total disgrace to the armed services?

S/J SHIPPERS: It's true love, and damn the regs!

NOROMOS: More like damn the writers.

INT. ANUBIS' MOTHERSHIP

[HERAK ENTERS TO TELL ANUBIS THAT SO FAR THEY'VE RECEIVED NO CHALLENGE FROM EARTH.]

NUBY: Order them to begin the attack. If the Tau'ri have weapons of the Ancients, we shall see.

[THE SCOUT SHIP EXITS HYPERSPACE AND GOES INTO ORBIT.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP

SAM: Well, this doesn't look good. The surface is almost completely covered by lava flows.

DANIEL: How could there have ever been a civilization down there?

SAM: A star becomes a red giant like this near the end of its life. A million years ago this planet may have looked very much like Earth.

DANIEL: So we're a million years late?

SAM: Probably more.

DANIEL: That's very late.

AUDIENCE: If you were that late with a video rental, they'd own your immortal soul.

[DANIEL AND SAM LOOK TO JACK, BUT HE'S USELESS, AS IS THE USUAL RECENTLY.]

LATER...

BRA'TAC: I have scanned the entire surface.

[DANIEL AND SAM LOOK AT JACK AGAIN. JACK IS USELESS, AGAIN, BUT SAM POINTS OUT THAT SINCE HE PACKED HAZMAT SUITS, HE MUST HAVE KNOWN ABOUT THE CONDITION OF THE PLANET.]

JACK: Then you know more than I do.

SAM: No, sir, I don't. Sit down and take a look. That's an order.

SLASHERS: Hey! Only Danny's allowed to order Jack around. Do *you* know the safe word? [thpth]

[JACK FROWNS AT HER, SAM LOOKS ALL GIRLY AND EMBARRASSED.]

NOROMOS: She can't even give her first order without looking incompetent. Way to go, writers.

AUDIENCE: She can't even order him anyway, he resigned, which is why she's now in charge.

[THEY CONTINUE SCANNING THE PLANET, AND FIND A SMALL ANOMALY. THEY DETERMINE THAT A FORCEFIELD HAD ONCE PROTECTED AN AREA, BUT HAD NOW FAILED AND LEFT A BUBBLE BEHIND.]

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[MAYNARD IS ON THE PHONE, GETTING REPORTS FROM A DESTROYER IN THE NIMITZ BATTLE GROUP. HE PUTS IT ON THE SPEAKERHONE SO THE PRESIDENT CAN HEAR.]

CAPTAIN: Holy! Another cruiser just blew up. Where the hell's the fire coming from? All ahead, flank...

[THE LINE GOES DEAD.]

MAYNARD: The engagement began less than five minutes ago. And that was only one Goa'uld ship.

AUDIENCE: Translation -- we're totally fucked.

EXT. LAVA PLANET

[THE SCOUT SHIP FLIES LOW OVER THE DOME. SG-1 ARE DRESSED IN HAZMAT SUITS. BRA'TAC USES THE RINGS TO TRANSPORT THEM THROUGH A THIN SPOT IN THE CRUST.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP.

RONAN: Can you still hear us?

TEAL'C (from inside the dome): Indeed. Loudly and clearly.

TEAL'C FANS: He's almost used up his five lines per ep, hasn't he?

BRA'TAC: We will move a safe distance and return on your signal.

INT. DOME

[SG-1 MOVES THROUGH THE DARK CAVERN. SAM SAYS THE RADIATION LEVEL IS HIGH, AND IT'S POSSIBLE THE RINGS DAMAGED THE DOMES INTEGRITY, SO WHATEVER THEY'RE GOING TO DO, THEY BETTER DO IT QUICK.]

DANIEL: Architecture definitely indicates this was built by the Ancients.

TEAL'C: This facility does not appear operational.

[JACK MOVES TOWARDS A DAIS WITH A THONE. JACK SITS IN IT, AND IT LIGHTS UP.]

DANIEL: Jack, you sure you know what you're doing?

[JACK BEGINS USING CONTROLS ON THE CHAIR AND A FORCEFIELD GOES UP AROUND THE CAVERN, AND THE AIR BECOMES BREATHABLE, SO THEY TAKE OFF THEIR HELMETS.]

DANIEL FANS: Mussed Daniel hair. Bed head. [thud]

[JACK CONTINUES USING THE CONTROLS, AND A GALAXY MAP HOLOGRAM APPEARS ABOVE HIM.]

DANIEL: Looks like every planet the Ancients ever colonized is indicated here. This is where we are -- Proklarush.

[DANIEL INDICATES A PLANET, AND THE IMAGE ZOOMS IN ON ANOTHER SYSTEM, WITH A SINGLE SUN AND ITS PLANETS. THE IMAGE HOMES IN ON THE THIRD PLANET, EARTH.]

SAM: Earth!

TEAL'C: That does not appear to be Earth.

DANIEL: That's because it doesn't take into consideration thirty million years of continental drift.

SAM: Sir, why are you showing us this?

JACK: Terra Atlantis.

DANIEL: Terra's Earth. Atlantis...

SAM: The lost city of Atlantis?!

DANIEL: Are you saying the Lost City of the Ancients is here?

SAM: Antarctica.

JACK: Subo glacios.

DANIEL: Under the ice. The city we've been looking for is under the ice of Antarctica.

AUDIENCE: Are you sure he wasn't asking where the local Subway was located?

SAM: It's been on Earth the whole time?

DANIEL: Jack, we were just there!

SAM: So we came all this way just to find out that we have to go all the way back.

JACK: No!

[JACK USES THE CONTROLS AGAIN. THE MAP DISAPPEARS AND HE PUTS HIS HAZMAT SUIT BACK ON, AND THE OTHERS DO AS WELL. JACK GOES TO THE EDGE OF THE DAIS AND PULLS A SECTION FREE.]

SAM: A power source.

[THE TEAM STARTS TO LEAVE AS THE CAVERN BEGINS TO RUMBLE. SAM CONTACTS BRA'TAC ON THE RADIO, TO TELL HIM THEY'RE ON THE WAY AND THEY KNOW THE LOCATION OF THE LOST CITY.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP

BRA'TAC: Understood, Major Carter.

[BRA'TAC TELLS RONAN TO PILOT THE SHIP WHILE HE OPERATES THE RINGS. INSTEAD, RONAN GRABS HIM AND STABS HIM IN THE STOMACH.]

BRA'TAC: Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal.

RONAN: You are the betrayer -- of your one true god, Anubis.

[HE PULLS OUT THE KNIFE AND BRA'TAC FALLS TO HIS KNEES, GASPING.]

BRA'TAC: You should have struck for my heart, Ronan.

RONAN: You will die more slowly this way.

BRA'TAC: You are mistaken. I no longer carry a symbiote.

AUDIENCE: So the on again, off again sensing of symbiotes is now turned off? We'll cover the writers asses this time by saying the tretonin confuses things.

[BRA'TAC KICKS RONAN'S FEET OUT FROM UNDER HIM, AND PROCEEDS TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

AUDIENCE: Bra'tac. Rocks.

RONAN: You are weak, old man.

AUDIENCE: Old age and treachery beats youth and enthusiasm every time. Besides, the line from Star Wars is, "Your powers are weak, old man."

WRITERS: It's a homage, it doesn't have to be exact.

INT. DOME

[ROCKS START TO FALL FROM THE CEILING, WHILE SAM CALLS FOR BRA'TAC BUT DOESN'T RECEIVE AN ANSWER.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP

[BRA'TAC KICKS THE KNIFE OUT OF RONAN'S HAND, GRABS IT, AND PUSHES RONAN AGAINST THE WALL.]

BRA'TAC: You may be younger, but not the wiser.

[BRA'TAC STABS RONAN, AND THEY BOTH FALL TO THE FLOOR. BRA'TAC STRUGGLES TO THE TRANSPORTER PANEL AND ACTIVATES THE RINGS. HE COLLAPSES.]

AUDIENCE: We'll say it again. Bra'tac. Rocks.

[TEAL'C KNEELS DOWN BESIDE BRA'TAC.]

BRA'TAC: Ronan was an agent of Anubis.

TEAL'C: Save your strength, old friend.

BRA'TAC: You know that I am stubborn, Teal'c, but this battle I fear I cannot win.

[JACK WALKS OVER TO BRA'TAC AND KNEELS DOWN BESIDE HIM. HE PLACES HIS HAND OVER BRA'TAC'S WOUND.]

AUDIENCE: If he goes all evangelical and shouts, "By the power of Christ, you are healed!" we are so very outtie. This is giving deus ex machina a whole new meaning.

[BRA'TAC IS APPARENTLY HEALED, BUT JACK TOPPLES OVER. DANIEL RUSHES TO CATCH HIM BEFORE HE HITS THE FLOOR.]

SLASHERS: [hits the floor]

H/C FANS: Oh boy! [rubs hands together]

[TEAL'C HELPS BRA'TAC SIT UP. BRA'TAC STARES AT JACK.]

BRA'TAC: Once more I am in your debt.

SAM: But how?

AUDIENCE: We'll say it one more time... deus ex machina, with a complication of writerus crapatacious.

TEAL'C: O'Neill possesses the healing power of the Ancients.

DANIEL: I guess your condition is a little more advanced than last time.

[JACKS STARES AT HIM, APPARENTLY NOT UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

AUDIENCE: He doesn't know how to translate, "Ya think?" into Ancient.

SAM: Teal'c, set a course for Earth.

AUDIENCE: *Please* don't let her say "engage."

INT. OVAL OFFICE

JUMPER: Our FA-22s and ABLs are all in the air, but so far there's been nothing to intercept. Since the battle group was destroyed, the Goa'uld haven't fired a shot.

SECURITY ADVISOR: Why not a city or two, just to prove his point?

[THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND DIM, AND EVERYONE GIVES A DEATH DEALING STARE TO THE SECURITY ADVISOR. ANUBIS APPEARS, AND SECURITY FIRES AT HIM, BUT IT'S A HOLOGRAM SO THEY PASS THROUGH.]

NUBY: I am Anubis.

[PRESIDENT HAYES WALKS CLOSER.]

HAYES: You've got to be kidding!

AUDIENCE: No kidding. The writers actually think this guy is scary.

NUBY: You are the leader of this world.

[EVERY FOREIGN FAN IMMEDIATELY BRISTLES.]

HAYES: Henry Hayes, President of the United States of America, one nation among many.

FOREIGN FANS: Damn straight.

NUBY: No more. Bow before your god.

HAYES: [laughs] I don't think so! However, I am willing to discuss your surrender.

AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, it's official. We (heart) Hayes.

NUBY: If you possessed weapons matching mine, you would have used them.

HAYES: Don't let the suit fool you, fella. We're going to fight.

AUDIENCE: Massive (heart)ing happening here.

[ANUBIS CONTINUES TO THREATEN, HAYES CONTINUES TO NOT BUY IT. FINALLY THE HOLOGRAM DISAPPEARS AND THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON.]

HAYES: Too much?

AUDIENCE: More. Please.

[THE REST OF ANUBIS' FLEET ARRIVES. GENERAL JUMPER IS ON THE PHONE GETTING A REPORT.]

JUMPER: Sir, thirty-plus ships just appeared in orbit, taking station around the planet.

HAYES: I guess he didn't buy it.

KINSEY: Mr. President, it's time to go to the Alpha site. You can stay in contact and send any...

HAYES: Bob, go ahead.

AUDIENCE: Don't let the gate hit you on the way out.

HAYES: No, no, go ahead. I'm staying.

[KINSEY LEAVES, PRACTICALLY WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS. HAYES TELLS THE REST THEY'RE WELCOME TO GO TOO, BUT THEY ALL DECLINE. HAYES TELLS HAMMOND HE HAS ANOTHER JOB FOR HIM.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP

[IN THE RING ROOM, JACK IS TINKERING WITH THE RING SYSTEM.]

AUDIENCE: Is that the theme song from MacGyver we hear in the background?

[TEAL'C ARRIVES, AND ASKS JACK QUESTIONS, BUT JACK IGNORES HIM, CONTINUING HIS WORK.]

TEAL'C: Can you understand anything that I am saying, O'Neill? O'Neill, I wish for you to know...

[JACK REACHES OUT AND PLACES HIS HAND ON TEAL'C'S CHEEK. HE STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT, THEN PLACES HIS HAND ON TEAL'C'S SHOULDER. TEAL'C BOWS HIS HEAD, THEN JACK RETURNS TO HIS WORK.]

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS: We. Have. Had. A. Moment. Anyone got a cigarette?

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[MAYNARD REPORTS THAT THE ENEMY HAS BEEN TAKING OUT POWER GRIDS AND BROADCAST TERMINALS.]

HAYES: So much for my speech.

AUDIENCE: There's going to be panic in the streets if the public can't watch Jerry Springer and Survivor. Turn them loose on Nuby, and he wouldn't stand a chance.

JERRY SPRINGER: Next on Springer, Goa'ulds... snappy dressers or overblown villains? Or both? We go behind the scenes to learn about the latest Goa'uld in town, and find out what's *really* under the black robe.

[THE OFFICIAL WORD THEY'RE USING IS A METEOR SHOWER, BUT IT WON'T WORK ONCE THE SHIPS ARE SIGHTED. THE PRESIDENT ORDERS A CHANGE TO DEF-CON 1, AND TO LAUNCH THE PROMETHEUS.]

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[KINSEY STANDS WITH DR. WEIR, AS THE GATE DIALS.]

WEIR: Well, I thought you were a lot of things -- a coward wasn't one of them.

AUDIENCE: We should not be surprised that a halfway interesting villain gets turned into an absolute weenie.

KINSEY: I'm a pragmatist, Doctor. Besides, someone has to ensure the survival of the human race and the American way of life.

AUDIENCE: He actually plans to *breed*? There's no hope for humanity then.

[KINSEY TELLS WEIR THAT IF SHE SURVIVES, SHE'S THROUGH. THE LIGHTS GO OUT AND THE GATE STOPS DIALING. WEIR ORDERS THE IRIS TO BE CLOSED MANUALLY.

KINSEY: What the hell do you think you're doing? Open that iris and dial the Alpha site.

[AN INCOMING WORMHOLE IS ESTABLISHED, AND SOMETHING HITS THE GATE IRIS.]

TECHNICIAN: That was a nuke -- or worse.

AUDIENCE: Hey, where's Chevron Guy?

[WEIR TELLS KINSEY HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE, BECAUSE ANUBIS HAS DIALLED IN.]

KINSEY: You get me out of here, you hear me?

AUDIENCE: Hey Weir, we know some people, who can, you know, take care of him.

[THE TECHNICIAN REPORTS THEY'RE RECEIVING AN ENCODED MESSAGE FROM SG-1, AND IT'S NOT COMING THROUGH THE GATE.]

KINSEY: I don't give a damn!

WEIR: Well, I do!

AUDIENCE: We're really starting to (heart) you. Too bad you've already been recast.

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[HAYES IS ON THE PHONE WITH WEIR, WITH KINSEY IN HER OFFICE LISTENING TO THE SPEAKER PHONE.]

WEIR: Mr. President, Prometheus can't win against an entire Goa'uld fleet but it could buy SG-1 enough time to complete their mission.

[KINSEY SAYS HE'S RELIEVING DR. WEIR AND IS TAKING COMMAND HIMSELF, WHILE WEIR IS STILL TALKING TO THE PRESIDENT.]

HAYES: Will you shut the hell up?!

WEIR: I'm sorry, sir.

HAYES: Not you, Doctor.

KINSEY: Excuse me?

HAYES: Consider your resignation accepted, Bob.

AUDIENCE: He shoots, he scores!

KINSEY: You can't do that!

AUDIENCE: Oh yes he can!

HAYES: Oh please, I got enough on you to have you shot.

AUDIENCE: We'll be happy to chip in for the bullets.

KINSEY: This is the biggest mistake you will ever make.

HAYES: But I think I'll stick with my original thought, which is shut the hell up!

AUDIENCE: (heart)

KINSEY: I promise you will only live to regret this!

[KINSEY LEAVES, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Gee, all he needed to complete the villainous image was a mustache to twirl.

[WEIR AGAIN TELLS THE PRESIDENT THAT SENDING PROMETHEUS TO COVER SG-1 IS THEIR BEST HOPE.]

AUDIENCE: A civilian advising an ex-military man on battle strategy... Um... OK.

INT. PROMETHEUS BRIDGE.

[GENERAL HAMMOND TAKES COMMAND, AND HE'S BROUGHT ALONG CHEVRON GUY AS WELL.]

AUDIENCE: So *that's* where he went.

CHEVRON GUY: So this is what the outside looks like. It's been so long.

[THE PROMETHEUS LAUNCHES.]

INT. SCOUT SHIP

DANIEL: Jack's modifying the matter stream transmitter on the rings. I think we're going to use it to bore a hole through the ice.

DANIEL FANS: Let the record show that *Daniel* figured that out, not Sam.

TEAL'C: We must first defeat the forces of Anubis.

DANIEL: Yeah, how're we going to do that?

BRA'TAC: You must exit hyperspace as close to the Earth's atmosphere as possible.

DANIEL: So we can appear on the other side of the armada.

BRA'TAC: There will not be much time to decelerate.

TEAL'C: Of that I am aware, old friend.

[THE SHIP COMES OUT OF HYPERSPACE AND IS IN FOR A ROUGH LANDING AS IT HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE ICE.]

DANIEL: Teal'c? Teal'c, you're going to pull up, right?

TEAL'C: I am attempting to do so.

[TEAL'C MANAGES TO LEVEL OUT JUST BEFORE THEY HIT.]

TEAL'C FANS: Teal'c, you da man!

AUDIENCE: But they really need to check into installing seat belts.

[JACK TAKES OVER PILOTING.]

TEAL'C FANS: Oh, *now* you want the glory.

INT. ANUBIS' MOTHERSHIP

HERAK: My Lord. A scout ship has exited hyperspace and is heading for the planet's southern pole.

EXT. ANTARCTICA

[THE SCOUT SHIP ARRIVES AT ITS DESTINATION, AND JACK ACTIVATES THE MODIFIED RING SYSTEM. A BEAM OF LIGHT BURNS THROUGH THE ICE.]

LOCAL PENGUINS: What the hell?

[SAM ASKS JACK HOW LONG IT'S GOING TO TAKE, BUT WITHOUT ANSWERING, JACK HEADS TO THE REAR OF THE SHIP. BRA'TAC TAKES THE PILOT SEAT.]

AUDIENCE: Have they almost used up the allotted number of words RDA can speak, so they have to ration in the last ep?

[AL'KESH AND GLIDERS ARE HEADING THEIR WAY. A *LOT* OF AL'KESH AND GLIDERS. MORE SHIPS ARE APPROACHING FROM THE OTHER DIRECTION.]

BRA'TAC: They are not Goa'uld.

[A SQUADRON OF F-302S ARRIVE, FOLLOWED BY THE PROMETHEUS, WHICH MOVES TO PROTECT THE SCOUT SHIP. MEANWHILE, JACK HAS FINISHED MACGYVERING THE RINGS, AND THEY PREPARE TO BEAM DOWN.]

INT. PROMETHEUS

GANT: We're taking damage to the outer hull.

DAVIS: All the remaining F-302s have expended their ordnance.

HAMMOND: We can't take them back aboard. They'll have to divert to McMurdo.

KIRKLAND: We need to break off and recharge the shields.

HAMMOND: Hold your position.

AUDIENCE: You mean they didn't manage to get another Star Wars homage in? "Stay on target, stay on target..."

INT. UNDER THE ICE

[SG-1 BEAMS INTO A CAVERN THAT LOOKS SIMILAR TO THE ONE ON THE LAVA PLANET.]

SET DECORATORS: Yes, *very* similar.

WRITERS: Shh! Don't give away all our secrets.

AUDIENCE: Oh, puh-leeze.

EXT. ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[THE MOTHERSHIP BEGINS FIRING ON THE PROMETHEUS, AND THE SHIELDS BEGIN TO FAIL. HAMMOND ORDERS THEM TO SET A COURSE FOR THE MOTHERSHIP.]

INT. UNDER THE ICE

SAM: This looks vaguely familiar.

SET DECORATORS: Ya think?

[JACK WALKS TOWARDS A VERTICAL CHAMBER AND PLACES HIS HANDS ON BOTH SIDES OF IT.]

JACK: Dolmata.

DANIEL: Sleep.

AUDIENCE: Thus describing the state of the audience whenever Anubis appears.

[ANUBIS APPEARS.]

AUDIENCE: You're right on time!

NUBY: You are too late. The power of the Ancients is mine.

AUDIENCE: Um... isn't *he* technically an Ancient?

WRITERS: Never mind that!

[JACK WALKS OVER TO ANUBIS, RAISES HIS HAND THROUGH THE HOLOGRAM.]

NUBY: Fools.

[THE HOLOGRAM DISAPPEARS.]

AUDIENCE: What, no maniacal laughter?

DANIEL: It's a hologram.

AUDIENCE: No shit, Sherlock.

DANIEL FANS: We're disappointed in you. We thought you were the smart one!

SLASHERS: Give the poor boy a break, he's worrying about Jack.

[JACK WALKS TO THE DAIS AND REMOVES THE OLD POWER CORE. TWO SUPER TROOPERS RING IN AND OPEN FIRE AS HE REPLACES IT WITH THE ONE HE TOOK FROM THE LAVA PLANET. SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ADJUST THEIR WEAPONS TO USE THE NEW TEL'CHAK TECH AND RETURN FIRE.]

SHIPPERS: Must protect Jack.

SLASHERS: Must protect Jack.

NOROMOS: We're going to go have a little lie down now.

EXT. ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[THE MOTHERSHIP REPEATEDLY FIRES AT THE PROMETHEUS, BUT THE SHIELDS HOLD.]

INT. UNDER THE ICE

[THE TEAM CONTINUES TO FIRE AT THE SUPER TROOPERS, AND ONE GOES DOWN. JACK IS FOCUSED ON OTHER THINGS, AND GOES TO THE CHAIR JUST AS MORE SUPER TROOPERS RING IN.]

SAM: Sir, whatever you're gonna do...

NOROMOS: ...Please take time to give me a hug and lots of comfort before you do.

S/J SHIPPERS: Sounds like a winning plan to us.

NOROMOS: [gag]

EXT. ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[THE PROMETHEUS' SHIELDS ARE DOWN. HAMMOND ORDERS EVERYONE TO BRACE FOR COLLISION -- "IF WE GO, THEY GO."]

AUDIENCE: Hammond so totally rocks.

CHEVRON GUY: Yes, he does, but I still want my mommy. And can she bring me some clean underwear?

INT. UNDER THE ICE

[SG-1 TAKES OUT TWO OF THE SUPER TROOPERS, WHILE JACK RECLINES IN THE CHAIR.]

AUDIENCE: Jack! We know you're all for the Cosmic Giddiness (tm), but this is *not* the time to watch The Simpsons marathon!

[OUT OF THE FLOOR COMES WHAT LOOKS LIKE... WELL... WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY, ANYWAY?]

AUDIENCE: Squidies from the Matrix movies that have Ascended? Maybe the reincarnations of the ghosts in Pac Man?

[PART OF THE SQUIDIES TAKE OUT THE REMAINING SUPER TROOPER, THE REST FLOW UP THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE ICE AND BEGIN BLOWING THE SHIT OUT OF GOA'ULD SHIPS.]

WRITERS: Finally!

INT. SCOUT SHIP

[BRA'TAC STANDS AMAZED AT THE SIGHT OF SHIT BLOWING UP, AND SMILES IN DELIGHT.]

AUDIENCE: OK, we (heart) Bra'tac, but we're not sharing his delight in shit blowing up. It's too easy. It's deus ex machina. It's... well... boring.

EXT. ABOVE ANTARCTICA

[THE PROMETHEUS MOVES AWAY, AS THE WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE BURN INTO THE MOTHERSHIP.]

INT. ANUBIS' MOTHERSHIP

HERAK: Our shields are of no use!

[THE WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE BLOW UP ANUBIS' FLEET. NUBY ROARS AND HOLDS UP HIS HANDS AS IF THAT WILL HELP ONE IOTA, THEN HIS OWN SHIP BLOWS THE HELL UP.]

INT. PROMETHEUS

KIRKLAND: What the hell was that?

HAMMOND: That was SG-1!

AUDIENCE: Well, technically, it was Jack going all Ancient and blowing shit up.

INT CONTROL ROOM

[WEIR AND OTHER TECHS ARE LISTENING TO AUDIO FROM THE BATTLE.]

VOICE: Thousands of bright yellow... I don't know... they're coming from the surface... I don't know what they are. They're cutting the enemy fleet to shreds!

INT. OVAL OFFICE

[HAYES IS LISTENING TO THE AUDIO.]

VOICE: My God, it's beautiful!

INT. UNDER THE ICE

[JACK CLOSES HIS EYES, AND THE LIGHTS ON THE CHAIR GO OUT. SAM GOES TO CHECK ON HIM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Wait for it...

NOROMOS: The Shippy Hammer of Doom? No thanks, we've hit our quota.

SAM: Don't you dare leave us now. We won.

NOROMOS: At least she acknowledged there *are* others in the room.

[JACK PARTLY OPENS HIS EYES, SAM TAKES HOLD OF HIS CHIN.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

SAM: Colonel.

NOROMOS: Yeah, really romantic there. He's resigned, there's not really a chain of command to worry about, and she *still* can't call him by his given name.

INT. PROMETHEUS

[THE PRESIDENT CONTACTS HAMMOND, AND CONGRATULATES HIM.]

HAYES: Congratulations, George. I don't know how we're ever going to be able to thank you.

AUDIENCE: By letting him leave. [grumble]

INT. UNDER THE ICE

[JACK IS OUT OF IT, AS SAM LEANS IN.]

SAM: Please, Jack.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee of epic proportions!

JACK: (whispering) Dolmata.

[SAM LOOKS AT DANIEL. HE SAYS JACK'S REFERRING TO THE CHAMBER. TEAL'C PICKS UP JACK AND PLACES HIM INSIDE. LIGHTS COME ON IN THE CHAMBER.]

SAM: Now what?

NOROMOS: You get to hie thineself back to Pete, or otherwise Get A Life?

JACK: Aveo... amacus.

[SAM AND TEAL'C LOOK TO DANIEL FOR A TRANSLATION.]

DANIEL: Goodbye.

DANIEL FANS: Um... Daniel didn't translate what Jack said completely, did he?

SLASHERS: [furiously reading "Latin for Dummies"] Nope. Jack said "goodbye, friend" and the latter word is singular and *male.* Daniel keeps that little word private.

SHIPPERS: No! Just... no.

NOROMOS: We'll be waiting in the car.

[A SHIELD CLOSES THE CAPSULE, AND PUTS JACK INTO STASIS.]

AUDIENCE: It's Cosmic Giddiness (tm), now available in frozen concentrate. Or is it carbonite?

SLASHERS: And Jack was *so* staring at Daniel when he was being frozen.

SAM: We can't just leave him like this. I mean there has to be a way to reverse the process. The answer has to be here somewhere.

DANIEL: I don't see a word in Ancient that comes close to "defrost" anywhere.

AUDIENCE: Um, Sammiekins, if you thaw him out, his brain's gonna go boom from the Ancient's library anyway. Not that you'd really be able to tell at this point.

DANIEL: I don't think this is it, Sam.

SAM: What do you mean?

DANIEL: The dome's too small. It's like Taonas. It's obviously not a city, it's just an outpost of some kind.

SAM: This isn't Atlantis?

AUDIENCE: No, we're not in Spin Off Land yet.

DANIEL: I don't think so.

TEAL'C: If this is not the lost city, then where is it?

[SAM WALKS TO THE STASIS CHAMBER AND PLACES HER HAND AGAINST THE SHIELD.]

DANIEL FANS: We hope Daniel wasn't hurt after Sam had to practically body slam him out of the way in attempt to stare longingly into Jackscicle's eyes.

JACKSCICLE: This was the only way I could think of to get away from Carter's Moony Eyes of Death. I didn't realize this would mean she could continue to do it at will and I wouldn't even be able to blink. May have to rethink this plan.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, THE AUDIENCE ENTERS RERUN HELL, DOESN'T NOTICE MUCH DIFFERENCE.
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