7.18 Heroes, Part 2 by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Heroes, Part 2, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi and Tamela for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine, and I've brought hankies for everyone.
Disclaimer #2: This BBE is the result of an overmedicated writer and an undermedicated beta. Read at your own risk.
Previously on Stargate SG-1... A documentary film is being made at the SGC. Things go hideously wrong. The audience is not shocked for some strange reason.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

SGC CORRIDOR (WITH AS MUCH AS IT GETS USED IN HEROES 1 AND 2, IT SHOULD GET A SPECIAL GUEST STAR BILLING.)

[BREGMAN AND HIS FILM CREW ARE ONCE AGAIN ARGUING WITH THE PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON AS SEVERAL SGC PERSONNEL ARE RUNNING TO THE GATE ROOM TO DEPART. BREGMAN SEES JANET AND TRIES TO QUESTION HER ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

JANET: I'm sorry. I have to go.

JANET FANS: No you don't! Damn the rat bastard writers.

AUDIENCE: Word.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[BREGMAN IS REVIEWING FOOTAGE OF SAM'S INTERVIEW.]

AUDIENCE: Of course it would just *have* to be Sam. We're watching "Samgate: What the Hell is SG-1?" the last half of the season. [rolls eyes]

[BREGMAN CONTINUES EDITING, REVIEWING FOOTAGE FROM SAM AND DANIEL'S INTERVIEWS, FOCUSING ON THE QUESTION OF WHETHER OR NOT THEY THINK THE STARGATE PROGRAM SHOULD BE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.]

AUDIENCE: Heck, at this point, we have forgotten what the Stargate is. Maybe we should watch the documentary for a refresher. Round spinny thing, right?

BREGMAN (still editing): Cut that line there. Nobody cares that nobody cares what I think.

AUDIENCE: We certainly don't. Plot? Please?

[BREGMAN ISN'T SATISFIED WITH THE FOOTAGE THEY'VE GOT.]

BREGMAN: It's a bunch of talking heads. This is unbelievably boring.

AUDIENCE: Yup.

NOROMOS: But at least we're five minutes into the show with no sign of ship.

AUDIENCE: No sign of a plot, either.

NOROMOS: There is that.

WRITERS: We've got your plot, right here!

AUDIENCE: Quit holding it hostage then, and "show, not tell."

EXT. UM... OFFWORLD SOMEWHERE.

[MASSIVE AMOUNT OF SHIT IS BEING BLOWN UP.]

WRITERS: Woo hoo!

[JACK MAKES HIS WAY TO COLONEL DIXON UNDER HEAVY FIRE.]

DIXON: Hi Jack, thanks for coming! You bring the keg for this shindig?

JACK: I was told you said six Jaffa! Where did you learn to count?

AUDIENCE: Probably the same place the Jaffa learned to shoot.

[MASSIVE AMOUNT OF SHIT IS STILL BEING BLOWN UP. WRITERS ARE ALL EXCITED, AUDIENCE IS BORED. JANET CALLS JACK ON THE RADIO, SAYING SHE NEEDS MORE TIME TO STABILIZE HER PATIENT. SAM SAYS THEY NEED TO FALL BACK, WHILE THE TEAM HOLDING THE GATE ANNOUNCE THEY'RE ABOUT TO BE OVERRUN.]

AUDIENCE: Jack's having a really bad day, eh?

WRITERS: It's about to get worse.

[JACK SEES A JAFFA IN NEARBY BUSHES AND LEAVES COVER TO GO AFTER HIM. HE GETS SHOT FOR HIS EFFORTS, OF COURSE.]

[BEGIN GRATUITIOUS USE OF SLO MO... JACK... FALLS... DOWN... GO... BOOM... AUDIENCE... WASN'T... BORN... YESTERDAY... DOESN'T... BUY... IT...]

SAM: Sir!

AUDIENCE: Apparently Sam bought it.

[SAM RUNS OUT TO JACK UNDER HEAVY FIRE, EVEN THOUGH OTHER SOLDIERS ARE CLOSER TO HIM.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, *real* professional. Thanks once again go out to the writers for making Sam "The Girl" once again.

WRITERS: You're welcome. [pause] Wait, was that sarcasm?

AUDIENCE: Your powers of deduction are amazing.

NOROMOS: [checks watches] We made it, what? Ten minutes in before the USS SamNJack was spotted on the horizon?

INT. GATE ROOM

[BREGMAN IS TALKING TO CHEVRON GUY ABOUT THE WORKINGS OF THE GATEROOM, INCLUDING ILLICIT SPACE INVADERS VIDEO GAMES WHEN THEY'RE NOT BUSY WITH THE REAL THING. JUST KIDDING, THEY'RE REALLY WATCHING ONLINE PORN. AN INCOMING WORMHOLE INTERRUPTS.]

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: You'll have to stop filming now.

[THE CAMERAMAN, BEING A GOOD BOY WHO DOESN'T WANT A COURTMARTIAL, UNLIKE THE ONE THE WRITERS SEEM TO WANT TO SET UP FOR SAM, OBEYS. BREGMAN, BEING A CIVILIAN IDIOT, GRABS THE CAMERA AND ATTEMPTS TO CONTINUE FILMING.]

SGC SECURITY GUYS: We are *not* amused.

[BREGMAN IS ESCORTED OUT OF THE GATEROOM INTO THE CORRIDOR. WE SEE A MEDICAL CREW TAKING SOMEONE TO THE INFIRMARY.]

LATER...

INT. SGC CORRIDOR... AGAIN

CAMERAMAN (to Bregman): Next time, hands off the camera if you want to keep them attached.

[BREGMAN SEES A WEEPING SAM WALKING DOWN THE CORRIDOR, AND TRIES TO FILM HER.]

SAM: Leave me alone and shut that damn thing off!

S/J SHIPPERS: She's crying because Jack's injured! Squee!

NOROMOS: [rolls eyes]

JANET FANS: [fuming]

SAM/JANET FANS: [really fuming]

[BREGMAN GOES OFF ON A RANT ABOUT SECRECY BECAUSE HE'S PISSED BECAUSE HE CAN'T DO WHAT HE WANTS.]

BREGMAN (to cameraman): You turn that camera off, when I *tell* you to turn it off.

CAMERAMAN: And *I'll* tell you some interesting places I can stick this camera. It'll give "film at eleven" a whole new angle.

BREGMAN: You serve the people? Well so do I.

SGC PERSONNEL: [not impressed]

AUDIENCE: Neither were we.

INT. COMMISSARY

[THE FILM CREW FILLS BREGMAN IN ON THE RUMORS THEY'VE HEARD -- THREE PEOPLE WERE INJURED, WITH ONE CASUALTY.]

BREGMAN: Carter's a seasoned officer, she wouldn't be crying unless...

S/J SHIPPERS: Wait for it...

[PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON ARRIVES AT THEIR TABLE.]

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: O'Neill.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee of epic proportions!

AUDIENCE: Our ears are ringing again.

BREGMAN: O'Neill's dead?

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: They brought him in on a gurney, and he's not moving.

AUDIENCE: Does *anyone* actually believe Jack's dead? If so, have they been living in a cave and this episode is their first foray into television viewing?

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[MR. WOOLSEY ARRIVES.]

WOOLSEY: Please state the nature of your medical emergency... er... sorry, wrong show.

JANET FANS: But we *have* a medical emergency! The writers sent the Chief Medical Officer into a battle zone!

WOOLSEY: I'm here as Kinsey's puppet to try to discredit the SGC so he can take control. He's been practicing his maniacal laughter for weeks.

INT. SAM'S LAB

HAMMOND: Are you OK?

SAM: No, but I must not mention the name of the person who died, on the off chance that someone actually thinks it's Jack.

HAMMOND: Have you heard from Agent Barrett?

AUDIENCE: Managing a bit of continuity with a previous episode *and* foreshadowing a future ep in one line? Wow.

WRITERS: We have our moments.

AUDIENCE: Get over it. We weren't *that* impressed.

SAM: Barrett says Woolsey is clean. Harvard grad, lead council for the Army Corps of Engineers and served on the Defense Policy Board, but was asked to resign when it was revealed he had ties to a large corporation that had received millions in contracts from the Pentagon. He's been with the NID ever since.

AUDIENCE: Sounds like the perfect place for him.

HAMMOND: There's going to be a memorial service. I think it appropriate that you say a few words.

NOROMOS: Then it definitely isn't Jack, since there seems to be nothing about that relationship that's appropriate recently.

SAM: But I've been technobabble free this ep. Go me!

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[WOOLSEY QUESTIONS SAM ABOUT THE MISSION GONE WRONG, CAREFULLY AVOIDING MENTIONING THE NAME OF THE PERSON WHO DIED, ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY THINKS IT'S JACK. SCENES INTERCUT BETWEEN SAM AND DANIEL'S INTERVIEW.]

WOOLSEY: It was just dumb luck that no one else was killed.

SAM: I would say it was skill, training and fortitude.

AUDIENCE: Woo hoo! That's our old Sam there!

WRITERS: Don't get too excited.

[WOOLSEY INTERVIEWS TEAL'C, WITH MUCH THE SAME RESULTS AS BREGMAN.]

AUDIENCE: We're getting dizzy from the intercuts.

WOOLSEY: If you fail to testify, I will have you jailed until such time as you do.

DANIEL: Fire me, throw me in jail, you do whatever you want. Goa'uld have tried to kill me several times over, and look what's happened to them. Ra. Dead. Hathor. Dead. Apophis. Dead. You noticing the trend here?

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

[DANIEL IS TYPING AS BREGMAN ENTERS. DANIEL DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM, BUT BREGMAN NOTICES DANIEL'S CAMERA ON THE TABLE.]

BREGMAN: Did you?

[CUT TO FLASHBACK SCENE DURING THE BATTLE. DANIEL HELPS JANET STABILIZE WELLS.]

WELLS: Am I gonna die?

JANET: Not if I have anything to do with it.

JANET FANS: It's not *fair* dammit.

[DANIEL TRIES TO DISTRACT WELLS BY TALKING ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING AT HOME.]

WELLS: Aaaargh!

JANET: That's good. At least you felt that.

AUDIENCE: Snark, thy name is Janet Fraiser.

[WELLS STARTS TO PANIC, AND ASKS DANIEL TO FILM HIS FAREWELL MESSAGE TO HIS WIFE.]

[CUT BACK TO DANIEL'S OFFICE.]

BREGMAN: You got something on tape, didn't you?

[DANIEL TRIES TO GET HIM TO LEAVE, BUT BREGMAN TELLS OF A WAR PHOTOGRAPHER IN VIETNAM WHO ALSO CAUGHT SOMETHING ON FILM. A SOLDIER PUSHED HIM OUT OF HARM'S WAY, BUT HIS CAMERA WENT OFF AND THE PICTURE CAPTURED THE SOLDIER BEING SHOT IN THE HEAD AND THE CAMERAMAN DIDN'T LOOK AT THE PICTURE FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.]

BREGMAN: He finally realized he hadn't taken a picture of a man dying, but it was of a man saving his life. I'm trying to show what you people deal with every day, including losing someone.

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[HAMMOND ARRIVES AND GIVES WOOLSEY A WRITTEN MISSION REPORT AND GETS INTO A PISSING MATCH OVER WOOLSEY'S REPORT PLACING A PRICE ON A MEMBER OF THE SGC.]

WOOLSEY: I think it's reprehensible that the taxpayers are paying for a war they know nothing about and are getting little if anything from.

AUDIENCE: Um. That sort of thing has happened for a few thousand years. It's happening *now*.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

SGC CORRIDOR: I am getting a guest starring credit, right? It's in my contract.

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: Security caught Bregman trying to access the infirmary.

HAMMOND: Toss him out on his ass, Colonel.

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: Yes, sir, thank you sir!

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[THE FILM CREW IS PACKING UP AS BREGMAN ARRIVES. BREGMAN GOES TO COMPLAIN TO HAMMOND.]

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

HAMMOND: You have one hour to get off my base and out of my sight forever.

AUDIENCE: We so totally (heart) Hammond.

[BREGMAN TRIES TO USE HAMMOND'S RED PHONE.]

AUDIENCE: You *really* don't want to try that. Trust us. You could lose an arm, or something much worse.

INT. DANIEL'S OFFICE

HAMMOND: I've been ordered to hand over the tape. I could fight it, the tape could get lost.

AUDIENCE: And we say again, we so totally (heart) Hammond.

HAMMOND: But I'm not going to do that. I'm starting to think maybe there *should* be a record of what happens here.

DANIEL: And you trust Bregman to do that?

HAMMOND: I don't see any other choice.

[DANIEL HANDS OVER THE TAPE.]

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[BREGMAN AND THE FILM CREW BEGIN WATCHING DANIEL'S TAPE ON THE MONITOR AS THE PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON COMES IN WITH THE PRELIMINARY MISSION REPORT. BREGMAN SHUSHES HIM AS THEY WATCH WELLS SAYING HIS FAREWELL TO HIS WIFE.]

WELLS: Turn it off, I don't want them to see me die!

[JANET TRIES TO CALM WELLS DOWN, BUT... BUT...]

AUDIENCE: The writers do something unspeakably horrible!

BBE WRITER: I totally agree, but who's the writer here?

AUDIENCE: Sorry, it's just there's so much we want to rewrite too.

PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON: [opens report envelope to read it] O'Neill's alive. So's Wells. Dr. Frasier didn't make it.

[PUBLIC AFFAIRS LIASON LEAVES THE ROOM, AS THE FILM CREW SIT DUMBSTRUCK OVER WHAT THEY'VE SEEN.]

JANET FANS: [sobbing uncontrollably]

AUDIENCE: They killed Janet! You bastards!

INT. ROOM AT THE SGC

[SAM ENTERS A ROOM WHERE A RECOVERING JACK IS STAYING.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Everyone else get your earplugs ready, we feel a massive squee coming on.

ONE AUDIENCE MEMBER WHO'S NEVER SEEN A TV SHOW BEFORE: Thank goodness, I really thought Jack was dead.

[JACK PULLS DOWN HIS SHIRT OVER HIS BANDAGED STOMACH.]

SLASHERS: We see Daniel's already been by.

JACK FANS: Isn't that shirt going in the wrong direction?

S/J SHIPPERS: Yes, it is!

SLASHERS: Finally! Something we agree about.

JACK: How's Cassie?

SAM: She's a strong kid, she'll survive.

AUDIENCE: That's *it*? That's all Sam has to say about Janet's adopted daughter who has already lost one mother? Way to go writers.

WRITERS: Thanks. Er, wait, that was sarcasm again, wasn't it?

FEMSLASHERS: We're thinking about calling Child Protective Services, since you killed off one of Cassie's mommies.

[CUE SHIPPY MUSIC.]

NOROMOS: Oh, geez, here we go again.

SAM: Sir, I just wanted to say...

S/J SHIPPERS: That you've loved him since the first day you laid eyes on him, and you'll quit the Air Force in a heartbeat to stay home and have his babies?

NOROMOS: [sigh]

SAM: I'm really glad you're OK.

JANET FANS: So was all the crying on your return because Jack was injured or Janet was dead? It's getting really hard to tell.

[JACK GIVES SAM A HUG.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

[DOGS AROUND THE WORLD BEGIN HOWLING AS THE SQUEE GOES SUPERSONIC.]

INT. INFIRMARY

[DANIEL VISITS WELLS.]

WELLS: She's dead because of me.

DANIEL: No, she's dead because a Jaffa shot her. She was doing her job, just like you were when you were shot.

AUDIENCE: No, she's dead because the writers have run out of ideas and thought killing off another character would be a ratings grabber.

INT. SAM'S LAB

[CLOSEUPS OF SAM CRYING ENOUGH TO SHORT OUT HER COMPUTER KEYBOARD AS TEAL'C ENTERS.]

SAM: General Hammond asked me to say something at the service, but I don't know what to say, nothing seems good enough.

TEAL'C: I believe you should only speak what's in your heart.

[SAM PREPARES TO LEAVE TO GO GET CASSIE.]

TEAL'C: I have pondered what I would say if I had the chance...

AUDIENCE: And we know the writers won't let you have that chance.

TEAL'C: But I believe the words would be best coming from you.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, right, it's just that the writers don't want you to put more than two sentences together.

[TEAL'C GIVES SAM A HUG.]

S/T SHIPPERS: We hope somebody got a screencap of that.

AUDIENCE: Sam's just getting all the comfort, iddn't she?

DANIEL FANS: Yeah, Sam was supposedly Janet's friend, but Daniel actually witnessed Janet's death. Where's his comfort?

JANET FANS: Where's *our* comfort?

HURT/COMFORT FANS: We're reveling, but we want more comfort in the hurt/comfort equation.

INT. INFIRMARY

[BREGMAN HAS GONE LOOKING FOR DANIEL, AND FINDS HIM SITTING IN A DARK CORNER.]

BREGMAN: I'm not going to use the tape.

[BREGMAN HEADS TOWARDS THE EXIT.]

DANIEL: Wait. I want you to. You know I died in this room? Ascended? Dr. Frasier did everything she could. She went three days without sleep. Even in the end, she didn't want to let me go. I owed her... a lot more than I ever gave back.

DANIEL/JANET FANS: One last parting scene. [sob]

DANIEL: I thought about what you said, about that reporter. I want other people to know about what Janet did.

AUDIENCE: After Daniel gives Bregman the tape back, he looks skyward. Hoping Oma stepped in or what?

WRITERS: We know not of this Oma person.

INT. GATEROOM

[JANET'S MEMORIAL SERVICE BEGINS. SG-1, HAMMOND AND CHEVRON GUY ARE ARRANGED AROUND THE END OF THE RAMP.]

DANIEL FANS: We know this is a sad moment and all, but still... Daniel in that black suit. Dayum.

TEAL'C FANS: Ditto for Teal'c.

JACK FANS: Jack. In. Uniform. Mercy.

[SAM STEPS TO THE PODIUM TO GIVE THE EULOGY. SHE ACTUALLY ADMITS SHE COULDN'T FIND THE WORDS FOR THE EULOGY AND GOT SOME HELP, BUT DOESN'T ACKNOWLEDGE WHO IT WAS.]

TEAL'C FANS: We wuz robbed again.

AUDIENCE: And where in the *hell* is Cassie?

[SAM READS A LIST OF PEOPLE WHO ARE ALIVE TODAY BECAUSE OF JANET, WITH A U.S. FLAG BEHIND HER. THE IMAGE MORPHS INTO A FLAG WAVING THE BREEZE ON A TV SCREEN. BREGMAN'S DOCUMENTARY IS FINISHED.]

AMERICANS IN THE AUDIENCE: You can tell Canucks filmed this. They're showing the flag backwards.

CANADIANS IN THE AUDIENCE: You should get a flag that's reversible.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[HAMMOND'S WATCHING THE END OF THE VIDEO, WITH A ROUSINGLY SAPPY SPEECH OVER AN IMAGE OF THE FLAG FLYING BACKWARDS YET AGAIN.]

HAMMOND: I've written a lot of letters to next-of-kin. Nothing ever seems like it's enough. They deserve more. This is something.

BREGMAN: Thank you sir. There is one thing that's still missing, that could make a difference...

HAMMOND: I'll take care of it.

EXT. HOUSE IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[DANIEL ARRIVES AT WELLS' HOUSE, TEDDY BEAR IN TOW, WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE.]

DANIEL FANS: [thunk]

[DANIEL MEETS WELLS' WIFE, WHO'S HOLDING THEIR BABY DAUGHTER.]

DANIEL: I guess the ultrasound was wrong, huh?

DIXON: I *told* him not to paint the room blue, in case the kid was just flipping the bird or something.

DANIEL: What's her name?

WELLS: Janet.

AUDIENCE: OK, that's sweet. Cliche as hell, but sweet.

JANET FANS: [sniff]

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK IS FINALLY GIVING HIS INTERVIEW, BUT THE RAT BASTARDS WRITERS DON'T DEIGN TO LET US HEAR ANY OF IT.]

AUDIENCE: On the positive side, at least it cut out any chance of "cosmic giddiness" showing up in a serious episode.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, AN NID EXPERIENMENT GOES WRONG.

AUDIENCE: Don't they all go wrong?

NOROMOS: But at least Jack's not in the episode, so maybe we can get through an episode without ship.

WRITERS: Don't get your hopes up
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