7.16 Death Knell by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Death Knell, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps, and for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters discussing this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem *very* familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. At least not by me, the Boys at Bridge might have a different story. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...

The Tok'ra don't like the Jaffa. The Jaffa don't like the Tok'ra. Daniel brought back a Goa'uld device that might be used to fight Anubis. Um, that's pretty much it.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. LAB AT THE NEW AND IMPROVED ALPHA SITE, FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE

[JACOB IS BITCHING TO SAM BECAUSE HE CAN'T FIND THINGS.]

AUDIENCE: I thought a symbiote would prevent senility?

SELMAK: It does. However, it doesn't stop the host from being an anal retentive git.

[IT'S REVEALED THAT THE LOCATION OF THE ORIGINAL ALPHA SITE WAS COMPROMISED WHEN ANUBIS PROBED JONAS QUINN'S MIND.]

AUDIENCE: Oh yes, gotta love the effect Jonas has had on the show since his introduction.

WRITERS: Why, yes, we do!

JACOB: Is the device done?

SAM: It's done. It's just not... finished. We only found Telchak's device a month ago. I'm surprised we've got anything done so quickly.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, what with the time off to spend an entire episode pondering lusting after your boss, another one saving Jonas' planet, and another just generally getting snogged by the new boyfriend.

DANIEL FANS: And what's with this "we" stuff, chickie? We didn't see you in the tropical rainforest with evergreens with Daniel and Lee.

SAM: Have you not had your coffee this morning?

JACOB: Selmak doesn't like coffee.

SAM: You gave up coffee for your symbiote?

SELMAK: I *am* in the room.

[ALARMS SOUND]

LT. QUINN: Anubis is coming! We're all gonna die!

AUDIENCE: Quinn? Does Jonas have a cousin at the Alpha Site? Should we get a baby name book for the writers so they'd quit duplicating so much?

OPENING CREDITS

INT. GATEROOM

HAMMOND: The Alpha Site's been attacked, at least 90 people are still missing.

JACK: I thought the location was supposed to be, you know, secret.

AUDIENCE: Loose lips sink ships?

NON-S/J SHIPPERS: Nah, they sunk the ship back in Grace.

NOROMOS: We hope.

[A MALP IS SENT TO THE ALPHA SITE TO CHECK THINGS OUT.]

CHEVRON GUY: The MALP is on its side.

AUDIENCE: Lazy ass MALP!

DANIEL: If the gate was knocked face down, the event horizon would have left a hole for the MALP to land in.

HAMMOND: There's no way we can be sure the DHD survived the attack.

TEAL'C: We can take a portable device to dial out.

HAMMOND: Possibly under enemy attack.

AUDIENCE: And if the gate is FACE DOWN, then what the hell good would it do you? You'd have to raise the gate before you could come back.

WRITERS: Um. Is there some shit we can blow up now to distract them?

EXT. THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE

[JACK, DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE LYING IN THE FOXHOLE THE GATE HAS DUG. THEY USE A LADDER TO GET OUT.]

TEAL'C: It looks like the self-destruct was used.

WRITERS: Shit was blown up and we missed it? Damn.

[MORE SGC PERSONNEL COME THROUGH THE GATE TO HELP WITH THE SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS.]

SOLDIER: Who could have survived this?

AUDIENCE: You've never watched the show, right?

[TEAL'C FINDS A PIECE OF SUPER TROOPER ARMOR.]

JACK: We might not be alone here.

AUDIENCE: Ya think? But since it's been more than three weeks since Nuby's rogue queen was blown to hell and back, where is Nuby getting new symbiotes for them since they only live three weeks?

WRITERS: Moving right along...

[ONE TEAM FINDS A DOZEN SURVIVORS IN THE WOODS.]

SOLDIER (ON RADIO): Colonel O'Neil, we've got survivors.

JACK: Is Major Carter with them?

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Can we get some earplugs over here?

INT. GATEROOM

HAMMOND: We've got to get the wounded here, but that will mean a delay in sending more people to help in the search.

JACK (via radio): Getting the wounded out is our first priority, sir.

S/J SHIPPERS: See! He's not letting his love of Sam interfere with the mission.

NOROMOS: No, seriously. Earplugs. Please. We're not asking nicely again.

[JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL FIND A WOUNDED JACOB IN THE WOODS.]

JACOB: A Super Trooper is here.

JACK: We know.

AUDIENCE: So do we. Can we move along and find a plot now?

DANIEL FANS: Um. Are we going to get any shots of Daniel in bed like last week?

[JACOB GIVES JACK THE PROTOTYPE WEAPON.]

JACOB: It's not fully charged, but Sam's got a new power cell for it.

JACK: Where is she?

JACOB: I don't know. I don't even know if she's alive.

AUDIENCE: If they were both on the run together, why didn't Sam put the new power cell into the weapon so they could kill the Super Trooper?

WRITERS: Because it would be a really short show? And we'd have to kill time by running up and down corridors, and we know how you feel about that.

AUDIENCE: Ah. Lesser of two evils then.

[PANNING SHOT OF JACK, TEAL'C AND DANIEL SHOWING THEIR CONCERN.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

S/D SHIPPERS: Squee!

S/T SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

INT. GATEROOM

[JACOB'S BEING BROUGHT BACK, WITH DANIEL ALONG FOR THE RIDE.]

HAMMOND: How did Anubis learn the location of the Alpha Site?

JACOB: If I knew, do you think I would have been there?

[JACOB EXPLAINS THAT IF HE SURVIVED, THEN THE SUPER TROOPER THAT WAS AFTER THEM IS STILL AFTER SAM.]

AUDIENCE: If it survived, then why didn't it kill Jacob and take the weapon? And how did it know to follow Sam if Jacob had the actual weapon?

WRITERS: Um. Next question.

JACOB: Regular weapons won't work on a Super Troopers, but enough kinetic energy, like the explosion at the base, will kill them. They can't ignore the laws of physics.

AUDIENCE: Why not? This show does it a lot.

HAMMOND: Would a missile work?

JACOB: Probably.

HAMMOND: Siler, grab your big wrench!

SILER: On duty sir? You wrote me up last time.

HAMMOND: Prepare a UAV with UCAV specs.

[SILER GOES OFF TO PLAY WITH HIS BIG WRENCH. DANIEL GIVES A LONGING LOOK. WE'RE NOT SURE IF IT'S ABOUT SAM OR SILER'S BIG WRENCH.]

S/D SHIPPERS: Oh, how sweet.

SLASHERS: It could work. Siler *does* look a lot like Jack.

[UAV LAUNCHES THROUGH THE GATE. PAN TO SILER LEANING AGAINST THE GATE, SMOKING A CIGARETTE.]

SILER: So... was it good for you? Better than the wrench?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND IS QUESTIONING A SOLDIER ABOUT THE EVENTS AT THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE.]

HAMMOND: What happened?

SOLDIER: Shit blew up, sir.

WRITERS: *And* we didn't get to watch!

EXT. THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE

AUDIENCE: Isn't it amazing how places throughout the galaxy all look like Canada?

CANADIANS IN THE AUDIENCE: Not really.

[TEAL'C AND JACK PLAY TONTO WITH SOME TRACKS THEY'VE FOUND. THEY THINK THEY'RE SAM'S, WITH A SUPER TROOPER FOLLOWING HER.]

INT. INFIRMARY

DANIEL: So, uh, how's the leg?

JACOB: That's not why you're here. You want to know what happened to Sam.

S/D SHIPPERS: First the backrub last week, now this. We're feeling overwhelmed.

[JACOB FLASHES BACK TO THE EVAC OF THE LAB ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE.]

[THE SUPER TROOPER FIRES THROUGH THE DOOR AND HITS THE SOLDIER WHO'D CAME TO ALERT SAM AND JACOB ABOUT THE INVASION.]

AUDIENCE: Hm. We guess he was sorta right about the "gonna die" thing. And he wasn't even wearing a red shirt. Too bad it was the wrong Quinn.

[ITS PREVIOUS FEAT OF TARGETING SKILL IS OVERSHADOWED BY THE FACT THAT IT CAN'T HIT JACOB OR SAM. OR THE BROAD SIDE OF A BARN, APPARENTLY. JACOB FIRES THE TEST WEAPON AT IT, THE SUPER TROOPER GOES DOWN.]

JACOB: It worked!

[THE SUPER TROOPER GETS BACK UP.]

SAM: Not good enough.

AUDIENCE: Oh, so we're riffing on The Terminator this time out.

WRITER #1: Are you *sure* one of the tour groups didn't see our stash of DVDs?

WRITER#2: No dude, it was just a lucky guess.

AUDIENCE: Yeah sure right.

[OUT OF THE FLASHBACK INTO THE INFIRMARY.]

JACOB: That thing won't stop until it finds her.

AUDIENCE: OK, so who'll be playing the part of Kyle Reese, soldier from the future who's here to rescue Sam?

WRITERS: She's, like, all resourceful and stuff. Besides, Jack's on the way!

AUDIENCE: We *never* saw that coming.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND IS NOW QUESTIONING THE JAFFA LEADER, M'ZEL, ABOUT THE EVENTS AT THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE.]

AUDIENCE: OK, who's this dude? We've never seen him before. But he *is* kinda hot.

SLASHERS AND HETSMUTTERS: Yes, he is. We shall start taking notes.

M'ZEL: Um, who the hell are those people?

DANIEL: Don't worry, you'll get used to them. Or not.

[M'ZEL CLAIMS THE TOK'RA ARE HOLDING OUT ON THE ALLIANCE, AND THAT THEY HAVE A SPY IN THE GOA'ULD OLOKUN'S CAMP. HE CLAIMS THE TOK'RA REFUSE TO HELP THE JAFFA KILL THE GOA'ULD AND HOPEFULLY FREE OLOKUN'S JAFFA.]

HAMMOND: The logs show that a group of Jaffa went through the gate not 24 hours before the Alpha Site was attacked. You sent your own people to do the job?

M'ZEL: Yeppers. And they haven't returned yet.

HAMMOND: If they were captured...

M'ZEL: No Jaffa would give in to torture.

HAMMOND: Anubis doesn't have to torture them; he has mind probes, remember? Isn't anyone getting their memos?

AUDIENCE: Looks like it's just you, sir.

EXT. THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE

HAMMOND (via radio): Status report.

JACK: We think we've found Carter's tracks.

HAMMOND (via radio): I'll send the UAV to fly a search pattern over your location.

TEAL'C: Higher ground is more defensible.

AUDIENCE: Is this a Grand Master of the Bloody Obvious or Master Teal'c of Chulak? Tell your agent more lines are cool unless they're dopey.

TEAL'C: Indeed. Our talks shall continue.

AGENT: Eeep.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ELSE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SAM'S WOUNDED AND IN HIDING FROM A NEARBY SUPER TROOPER.]

AUDIENCE: Anyone want to keep track of the wounds on her face and see if they keep them consistent?

MAKEUP DEPARTMENT: We heard that.

AUDIENCE: Good, 'cause we're taking notes.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[JACOB IS PAYING HAMMOND A VISIT.]

JACOB/HAMMOND SLASHERS: Yes! We have our moment!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Knock yourselves out.

[HAMMOND TELLS JACOB OF THE JAFFA CLAIM ABOUT A TOK'RA SPY.]

JACOB: If we had a spy, I'd know.

AUDIENCE: Still not watching the show, eh Jacob?

INT. GATEROOM

[M'ZEL HAS ARRIVED FROM A VISIT TO THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE.]

M'ZEL: One of our operatives made it back, but the fate of the rest is unknown.

AUDIENCE: They're dead or wishing they were dead. But you're still kinda hot.

M'ZEL: You're *sure* I'll get used to them?

AUDIENCE: Yes. Trust us.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SAM'S LIMPING THROUGH THE FOREST]

AUDIENCE: OK, who wants to keep up with the limp? Right or left, and does she forget it sometimes?

MAKEUP DEPARTMENT: We had nothing to do with this, so thpth.

[SAM SITS AT THE BASE OF A TREE TO FIX HER BANDAGES, WHILE A SUPER TROOPER APPROACHES.]

SUPER TROOPER: Blood on the bushes. On the ground. On the tree. I'm surprised they haven't bled out yet.

[AS THE SUPER TROOPER APPROACHES SAM FROM BEHIND, RIFF ON "JAWS" MUSIC BEFORE GOING TO A LONG PAN REVEALING... IT'S NOT SAM, BUT A GENERIC DEAD SGC GUY.]

AUDIENCE: Rat bastard writers. And these "Super Troopers" don't have heat sensors at least?

SUPER TROOPER: Yep, bled out. Now where's the other one?

INT. GATEROOM

[HAMMOND IS NOW QUESTIONING THE TOK'RA LEADER, DELEK, ABOUT THE EVENTS AT THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE.]

AUDIENCE: I bet he's getting tired of asking the same questions.

HAMMOND: Yeah, but it's a living.

[HAMMOND MENTIONS THE JAFFA CLAIM ABOUT A TOK'RA SPY.]

DELEK: We both know that Jaffa "intelligence" isn't what it should be.

TEAL'C FANS: Why you little... We oughta...

[DELEK GETS UPPITY ABOUT FULL DISCLOSURE WITH THE TAU'RI IN REGARDS TO THE DISPOSITION OF THE TOK'RA SPIES.]

HAMMOND: We gave you shelter when you had no place to go. Trust me, it wasn't because of your winning personalities.

DELEK: It was because you needed us.

HAMMOND: I think we'll somehow manage.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SAM'S NOT LIMPING THROUGH THE FOREST.]

AUDIENCE: Bounding around rather well for someone with a leg wound.

MAKEUP DEPARTMENT: Not. Our. Job. Take it up with management.

WRITERS: Leave a message and we'll get back to you. [beep] [whispering] Think they bought it?

[SAM STOPS AT A RIVER TO GET SOME WATER, THE SUPER TROOPER IS ON THE OTHER SIDE, FIRES AT HER AND MISSES.]

AUDIENCE: Nuby needs to send them all to Target Shooting 101.

[THE SUPER TROOPER FIRES DOZENS OF TIMES, STILL MISSES EVERY DAMN TIME.]

NUBY: You can't even grow good help these days.

INT. A ROOM IN THE SGC

[JACOB GOES TO VISIT DELEK ABOUT THE SPY CLAIM.]

JACOB: Only the high council can send out an operative, and since I'm *on* the high council, I should know.

AUDIENCE: Poor deluded Jacob.

DELEK: Take it up with council.

JACOB: Who do you think you're talking to?

DELEK: Interesting question. It sounds like a human host.

SELMAK: I *am* here you know. And I was a leader of the Tok'ra before you hatched sonny.

DELEK: Your true loyalties are in question because you're too close to the humans.

AUDIENCE: So all that blather about "blending" with your hosts and not just taking them over like the Goa'uld do was total bullshit? We're shocked. Just totally shocked. Not.

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

HAMMOND: So Delek admits their spy was captured?

JACOB: They'll never admit it, but yes. But Tok'ra operatives take special precautions to not be caught alive, so it couldn't have been our guy who betrayed the Alpha Site.

HAMMOND: Only if he had the opportunity to off himself.

JACOB: The system isn't foolproof, but they won't admit that either. We'll never know if it was the Jaffa or the Tok'ra who gave over the information. I need to get back to the Alpha Site, to help with the search.

HAMMOND: I need you here.

JACOB/HAMMOND SLASHERS: Missing scene fic, anyone?

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Again, knock yourselves out.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SAM SEES THE UAV OVERHEAD, AND TRIES TO SIGNAL WITH THE REFLECTION OFF HER WATCH. THE SUPER TROOPER SHOOTS IT OUT OF THE SKY WITH ONE SHOT.]

SUPER TROOPER: Go me!

AUDIENCE: One shot. While he's aimed at Sam *how* many times and missed? Is it something about organic versus inorganic targets?

WRITERS: Yeeeaaaaaah, that's the ticket!

HAMMOND (via radio to O'Neil): The UAV's been shot down near your location.

O'NEIL: We're on it.

INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM

[JACOB TALKS TO M'ZEL.]

JACOB: You must talk to the rest of the Jaffa to stop the infighting with the Tok'ra.

M'ZEL: And tell them what? To suck it up and not punch the Tok'ra when they totally deserve it? [looks towards Selmak's general vicinity] No offense.

SELMAK: None taken. I'd like to smack a few heads together myself. But did you know many Tok'ra died to develop tretonin to free the Jaffa from their dependence on symbiotes?

M'ZEL: I did not. I'll admit, together we are strong.

SELMAK: And divided we'll die.

AUDIENCE: And we may die of boredom. Move along. Find a plot.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SAM FINDS THE DOWNED UAV, AND RIGS THE ROCKET TO LAUNCH MANUALLY.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DELEK, JACOB, M'ZEL AND DANIEL ARE AT THE TABLE WITH HAMMOND.]

HAMMOND: We're here to discuss our alliance.

DELEK: I don't know what you expect us to do. We've been rotating on our thumbs for the last two thousand years. We've killed more Goa'uld in the last seven years than we have in the previous two thousand, but we're a dying people, so we're going to leave you all hanging out to dry.

EXT. SOMEWHERE ON THE SITE FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE BETA SITE PLANET

[SUPER TROOPER APPROACHES, FIRES AT SAM. MISSES, OF COURSE.]

AUDIENCE: Hey, Mr. Trooper, can you move a bit to left so Sam can fire at you? A little more... Perfect! OK, now strike a menacing pose... Perfect!

[SAM FIRES THE MISSILE. HITS HIM, OF COURSE.]

AUDIENCE: Thanks oodles.

WRITERS: Whee! Fireball!

[JACK AND TEAL'C HEAD TOWARDS THE SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION.]

AUDIENCE: They know their teammates so well, don't they? Shit's blowing up, so they know the missing team member is thataway.

[THE DUST CLEARS, AND THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE SUPER TROOPER.]

SAM: You're terminated.

[SAM SITS DOWN ON THE ROCKS. THE SUPER TROOPER RISES OUT OF THE GROUND.]

SAM: Or not.

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARRIVE TO SAVE THE DAY. WELL, OF *COURSE* THEY DO. JACK AND SAM ARE CROUCHED BEHIND A BOULDER.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

AUDIENCE: They're being shot at!

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah, but they're *together* being shot at!

NOROMOS: Oh, sorry, we had the earplugs in. What?

JACK: Carter, I need the...

[SAM HANDS OVER THE NEW POWER CELL WITHOUT A WORD. JACK FIRES AT THE SUPER TROOPER AND TAKES HIM DOWN.]

JACK: Want to get up?

SAM: Need to rest for a minute. Probably need a change of underwear too.

[JACK SITS DOWN NEXT TO SAM, AND AFTER A MOMENT, PUTS AN ARM AROUND SAM.]

[S/J SHIPPERS LET LOOSE A SUPER SONIC SQUEE THAT BLOWS OUT SOUND SYSTEMS ON THREE CONTINENTS.]

NOROMOS (yelling): WHAT? DID SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING?

AUDIENCE (yelling): OUR EARS OUR RINGING. DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?

SLASHERS (yelling): EH?

[CAMERA PANS AROUND THE TWO SITTING TOGETHER.]

DANIEL FANS: Daniel was tortured, and he didn't get so much as a "How ya doin'?" while Sam gets this? We smell conspiracy. And ship.

NOROMOS: We thought the USS Sam-N-Jack went down with all hands back in "Grace." Can you say, "Raise the Titanic!"?

HURT/COMFORT FANS: As much as we like the idea of h/c, why *didn't* we get this with Jack and Daniel in Evolution 2?

S/J SHIPPERS: Because they're in *love*, silly!

SLASHERS: But that's our whole point, why didn't Jack hug Daniel?

S/J SHIPPERS: Not. Listening.

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: What about Pete? Will they tell him about Sam being injured?

S/J SHIPPERS: So. Very. Not. Listening.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

DELEK: Congratulation on getting Carter back. Not like we really care or anything. We're leaving the alliance because the secrecy of our operatives cannot come into question.

M'ZEL: We're leaving too.

HAMMOND: WTF? With the Tok'ra gone, I thought that would take care of your problem.

M'ZEL: We've never had a chance to be free. Before, we had to answer to the false gods. Now, your people dictate the terms. We want a chance to have our own society, build our own communities.

AUDIENCE: Um. During wartime?

DANIEL: OK, this is nuts.

AUDIENCE: We're with him. And who's elected to tell Bra'tac the alliance is dead? Can we sell tickets? And both the Tok'ra and the Jaffa are going to leave the only prototype of the weapon that can be used against the Super Troopers in the hands of the Tau'ri? Riiiiight.

INT. INFIRMARY

[SAM'S RECOVERING, WHILE JACOB VISITS.]

AUDIENCE: Is she getting something like frequent flyer miles for visiting the infirmary so much recently?

FEMSLASHERS: She just likes visiting Janet.

WRITERS: We'll fix that.

AUDIENCE: You mean with Pete the Cop, right?

WRITERS: Yeah. With Pete the Cop. You betcha. [hides script for Heroes]

[JACOB TELLS SAM HE'S GOING TO BE AWAY FOR A WHILE, TRYING TO MEND FENCES WITH THE TOK'RA.]

FADE OUT

AUDIENCE: That's it?

WRITERS: Yeah, that's all we got.

AUDIENCE: [pout] Not much happened last week either, but at least we got lots of arm porn and Danny toes.

NEXT WEEK, HEROES PART ONE. HANKY ALERT, LEVEL RED.

JACK: I hope shots of my ass serve you well.

AUDIENCE: Why yes. Yes they do.
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