7.15 Chimera by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Chimera, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps, and for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters discussing this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Playing with Daniel in his bed would be difficult, since it's so small, but I'm highly adaptable. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...

One of Daniel's ex-girlfriends is now a Goa'uld. Sam has had several potential boyfriends expire. The SGC is considering using her as a secret weapon against their enemies -- it gives "sex as a weapon" a whole new twist. Daniel would probably be immune, since he's already died a few times.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. WORKROOM/STUDY

[DANIEL IS WORKING ON DECIPHERING AN ARTIFACT. SARAH ENTERS, TELLING HIM ABOUT THE ARTIFACT. IMAGE FADES OUT, PANNING ACROSS DANIEL IN BED.]

DANIEL FANS: Dayum! The pause button's getting a workout with this ep!

[CONTINUE PANNING, REVEAL SARAH-OSIRIS WATCHING DANIEL AS HE SLEEPS.]

DANIEL FANS: Get away from him, you bitch!

SLASHERS: Yeah, Jack's going to be beyond pissed when he finds out.

[OPENING CREDITS]

INT. COFFEE SHOP IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[SAM IS SITTING AT A TABLE BY HERSELF, WHEN AN UNKNOWN MAN APPROACHES AND JOINS HER]

SAM: I feel compelled to warn you, most of the guys I've dated are dead.

AUDIENCE: All of them painful deaths.

PETE: Don't worry, I'm safe. I've got connections. Thanks bro!

PDL: Don't count on safety.

REST OF THE WRITERS: No, don't count on it at all.

[IT'S REVEALED SAM AND PETE ARE REENACTING A "FIRST MEET" SCENARIO.]

GENERAL SHIPPERS: Aw, how sweet.

NOROMOS: Ah, how sweet. We're going into diabetic comas now.

PETE: Let's go to the zoo!

SAM: There's no zoo in Colorado Springs.

AUDIENCE: Yes, there is. Sheesh, who does the research for this show?

INT. SGC HALLWAY

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE WALKING DOWN A HALLWAY.]

SAM: Babble, jamming. Babble, Goa'uld. Babble, portable.

DANIEL: [yawn]

JACK: *Now* do you see why I'm such a sarcastic jerk? It's the only way to stay awake when Sam's babbling.

AUDIENCE: [snooze] Wha? Oh, right, we're watching the show.

SAM: At least pretend that it's interesting.

DANIEL: It's interesting, go on.

SLASHERS: It's just that Jack kept him awake all night.

SAM: Are you tired?

AUDIENCE: Mistress of the Bloody Obvious, eh Sam?

DANIEL: I've been having weird dreams about Sarah, about working in Chicago, and at the SGC. It was all messed up, because my hair was wrong.

AUDIENCE: They actually spackled over that continuity problem without using a bad wig. We have mixed feelings about that.

WRITERS: We have our moments.

AUDIENCE: Damn few of them, if you ask us.

WRITERS: We didn't.

SAM: You should talk to someone.

DANIEL: I was, but apparently your brain was left on Kelowna.

[ELEVATOR ARRIVES, JACKS IN THE CAR.]

SAM: Colonel.

JACK: Carter.

DANIEL: Coffee.

AUDIENCE: A-llit-er-a-tion. Cool. Whee, we did it too!

[SAM ENTERS THE ELEVATOR, WHILE DANIEL GOES OFF IN SEARCH OF COFFEE.]

S/J SHIPPERS: They're together! It's love!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

[SAM STARTS HUMMING THE STARGATE THEME.]

AUDIENCE: You've *got* to be kidding us. At least she's not singing the "lyrics."

JACK: Humming?

AUDIENCE: If you can call it that.

[UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE ENSUES.]

JACK: What's his name?

S/J SHIPPERS: It's love, he's jealous!

AUDIENCE: Looks like he's feigning interest to us.

DANIEL FANS: Whatever. Can we get back to the scenes of Daniel in bed?

JACK: I'm just happy that you're happy about something other than... quarks.

AUDIENCE: We'd be happy if you'd get back to the original premise of the show, instead of this being "Stargate: Sam Gets Laid."

NOROMOS: Preach it!

INT. DANIEL'S HOUSE

[PANNING SHOT OF DANIEL IN BED.]

AUDIENCE: Why has he got his arms up under his head like that? Isn't it uncomfortable to sleep that way?

DANIEL FANS: Who frelling cares? Mercy.

AUDIENCE: Why is he on top of the bed instead of under the covers?

DANIEL FANS: And cover *that* up? What are you, insane?

[OSIRIS PUTS A DEVICE ON DANIEL TO DIRECT AND WATCH HIS DREAMS.]

SLASHERS: We'd pay good money for that little device. Cash.

[CUT TO DANIEL'S DREAMS, IN WHICH HE'S BACK IN THE WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH ARRIVES, DANIEL ACTS TOTALLY CLUELESS.]

SLASHERS: This is an "interested woman and totally clueless gay man in the closet" scenario, right?

SARAH: He's not gay!

SLASHERS: We didn't know fag hags could be in the closet too.

OSIRIS: I'm *not* a hag!

SLASHER: Figure of speech.

[CUT BACK TO DANIEL'S ROOM. SARAH TRANSPORTS OUT, THEN DANIEL WAKES UP. DANIEL LOOKS AROUND WILDLY.]

SLASHERS: Come on, say it... call out for Jack, we know you want to. OK, so *we* want you to.

EXT. PARK IN COLORADO SPRINGS

[PETE AND SAM DISCUSS THE MERITS OF VARIOUS MOVIES, AND GENERALLY GET MUSHY.]

NEWLY FORMED S/P SHIPPERS: Awwwwwwwwwww.

NOROMOS: Ick.

S/J SHIPPERS: [fingers in ears] Not listening.

DANIEL FANS: No, seriously. More scenes with Daniel in bed.

SLASHERS: With Jack. Thank you kindly.

AUDIENCE: Memo to Mr. and Mrs. DeLuise -- y'all have cute sons. Nice work.

[SAM AND PETE KISS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: This is a dream. No, a nightmare.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH HAS BROUGHT DANIEL COFFEE.]

SARAH: But first, a little human contact.

[SARAH AND DANIEL KISS.]

AUDIENCE: When this change into Snoggate: SG-1?

SARAH: Was that so hard?

SLASHERS: Would be if it were Jack doing the kissing.

DANIEL: I'll live.

DANIEL FANS: That *voice*! Mercy! We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

[SARAH GIVES DANIEL A TABLET TO TRANSLATE.]

INT. COMMISSERY AT THE SGC

[DANIEL HAS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE WHEN SAM AND TEAL'C JOIN HIM.]

[SAM RUBS DANIEL'S BACK.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: We have lived for this moment. Don't anyone blink.

DANIEL: In the dream, the tablet's in Ancient and in the dream I know how to read Ancient.

SAM: Not surprising, since you can when you're awake.

[DANIEL GIVES SAM A LOOK]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [ecstasy]

TEAL'C: Perhaps you're trying to reveal something to yourself.

SLASHERS: Nah, if that were the case, he'd be dreaming about Jack.

TEAL'C: If you have the dream again, perhaps you should translate the tablet.

AUDIENCE: Wow. I forgot Teal'c could actually say lines and stuff.

TEAL'C: Indeed. Grrrr, don't trick me into saying that word! The "talk" with my agent is finally having an effect.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[SARAH'S PREPARED A MEAL FOR DANIEL.]

DANIEL: I don't deserve you, do I?

AUDIENCE: We think you've got that backwards.

SLASHERS: And how.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[SAM ARRIVES HOME TO FIND A NOTE FROM PETE TELLING HER TO DRESS UP FOR DATE THAT NIGHT, ALONG WITH A SINGLE ROSE.]

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Oh, how romantic! *Jack* would never have done anything like that.

SLASHERS: No, because Daniel's allergic to flowers.

INT. SGC GYMNASIUM

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE WORKING OUT, WHILE DISCUSSING DANIEL'S DREAMS.]

DANIEL FANS: Oh. My. God.

TEAL'C FANS: Indeed.

DANIEL/TEAL'C SLASHERS: [thud]

[TEAL'C REVEALS HE'S TAKEN AN INTEREST IN THE STUDY OF DREAMS SINCE HE NOW HAS TO SLEEP INSTEAD OF KELNOREEM.]

DANIEL: OK, Sigmund, what are my dreams about?

SLASHERS: They're definitely not rated for TV broadcast.

TEAL'C: Perhaps your mind is trying to work out your issues with not being able to save Sarah.

DANIEL: You think maybe something I learned when I was Ascended will help?

AUDIENCE: If so, fat chance we'll ever hear about it.

WRITERS: Ascended? What's that?

TEAL'C: Until you've worked it out, you may continue having this dream.

DANIEL: So I'll never have a good night's sleep again?

TEAL'C: After seeing the shit you've gone through, I don't see how you ever have.

DANIEL: Thank you, Teal'c. This conversation has been disturbing on many levels.

AUDIENCE: We didn't know Teal'c could say this many lines in one ep either.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE ARRIVES FOR THEIR DATE.]

AUDIENCE: No! Go back to the workout scene!

WRITERS: [evil laughter] No.

AUDIENCE: Why not?

WRITERS: Because we hate you, remember?

[SAM ANSWERS THE DOOR IN A SLINKY DRESS AND HEELS, PETE'S GOBSMACKED.]

SAM: Up enough?

PETE: Any more up, and I'd split a seam.

MALES WHO LUST AFTER SAM, WHICH APPARENTLY IS PRIMARILY COMPOSED OF THE BOYS AT BRIDGE: We hear you, buddy.

INT. DANCE HALL, WHICH IS HOSTING A 50TH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY PARTY

[SAM AND PETE DANCE.]

SAM/PETE SHIPERS: They're so cute!

NOROMOS: Bored now.

HETSMUTTERS: We're taking notes.

[DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

[DANIEL REMEMBERS HE FORGOT THEIR ANNIVERSARY, AND IN THE REAL WORLD, THIS IS WHY SARAH LEFT. DANIEL LOOKS INTENSE.]

DANIEL FANS: And we say again... day-um.

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[SAM AND PETE ARE IN HIS CAR, SHARING BANTER ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT HE'LL COME IN.]

PETE: OK, I'm coming.

AUDIENCE: Too easy. We're not *even* going to dignify that line.

HETSMUTTERS: But *we* will. Hey, Pete, it's better to wait until you're actually *with* the girl.

INT. SAMS HOUSE

[SAM/PETE SNOGFEST ENSUES.]

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS AND HETSMUTTERS: Woo and hoo!

SLASHERS: Sam likes someone who is not Jack. It's canon, DEAL!

NOROMOS: [snore] Wha? Did something happen?

[PILLOW TALK ENSUES.]

SAM: Why did you become a cop?

PETE: I watched Starsky and Hutch as a kid.

SLASHERS: Must... fight... trip to... Bad Place. Oh, wait, we're already there.

[PETE SPILLS HIS GUTS ABOUT WHY HE'S A COP, BUT SAM CAN'T TELL HIM WHAT SHE REALLY DOES.]

SAM: I could get into trouble!

AUDIENCE: Like you couldn't for lusting after your boss for years?

SAM: It could put you in danger.

PETE: So you're saying that joke about all your boyfriends dying was true?

PDL: No joke, bro. Her nickname is "Black Widow Sam."

PETE: Why won't you trust me enough to share your life with me?

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Whoa, this is a switch. Usually, guys run for the hills when you mention the words "trust" and "sharing."

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: We're not stupid.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: Jury's still out on that point.

[PETE LEAVES.]

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE GETS INTO HIS CAR AND CALLS A FRIEND OF HIS AT THE FBI TO CHECK OUT SAM.]

AUDIENCE: You *really* don't want to do that, trust us.

INT. LAB AT THE SGC.

DANIEL: Nothing in the dreams are right.

SLASHERS: Yeah, no Jack. [sigh]

DANIEL: Sarah's different in my dreams, it's like she cares about my work as much as I do.

SAM: Sounds like a typical male fantasy to me.

AUDIENCE: Sam, you need to have a talk with the writers about "typical male fantasies" before you can cast any stones.

[TEAL'C TAKES A RUNNING JUMP OFF THE LOGIC CLIFF AND THINKS OSIRIS MAY BE CONTROLLING DANIEL'S DREAMS TO GET INFORMATION ABOUT THE LOST CITY.]

AUDIENCE: Dang, we almost got whiplash from that leap of logic.

TEAL'C: Hey, but it's cool. I got lines!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

HAMMOND: You think Osiris is here on Earth manipulating Daniel's dreams?

SAM: It's possible, Sir.

JACK: Kinky!

SLASHERS: Unfortunately, Osiris isn't that creative.

[TECHNOBABBLE ENSUES. TRANSLATION: OSIRIS STOLE ASGARD BEAMING TECHNOLOGY (WHICH WAS REALLY STOLEN FROM TREK ANYWAY) AND IS USING A GOA'ULD DEVICE TO INFLUENCE DANIEL'S DREAMS.]

JACK: So, what do we do?

SAM: We hope the jamming device will stop Osiris from leaving next time she visits Daniel. We'll be watching to see what happens.

JACK: So we're going to get *paid* to watch Daniel while he sleeps? Dibs!

EXT. SAM'S HOUSE

[PETE GETS A CALL FROM HIS FBI BUDDY.]

FBI BUDDY: She's probably connected with some top-level stuff.

PETE: Like?

FBI BUDDY: Black ops. She probably knows how to kill you six times before you hit the ground.

PETE: It's not like I'm dating her or anything.

FBI BUDDY AND AUDIENCE: Riiiiiiight.

[SAM'S LEAVING THE HOUSE, PETE DECIDES TO FOLLOW HER.]

AUDIENCE: Bad move. Very.

INT. SGC

[SAM TRIES TO CALL PETE, BUT ONLY GETS HIS ANSWERING MACHINE.]

JACK: So, what have we got?

AUDIENCE: A lot of S/J shippers about to have heart palpitations.

[SAM EXPLAINS HOW THEY INTEND TO TRAP OSIRIS AND HIT HER WITH A TRANQ DART.]

JACK: How's Pete?

UBER S/J SHIPPERS (hopeful): Dead?

EXT. DANIEL'S HOUSE

[JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C ARE WATCHING DANIEL FROM A SURVELLENCE VAN.]

DANIEL FANS: You know, you could make a killing selling the video, retire early, and live like royalty.

JACK: Hey Daniel, you sleeping yet?

DANIEL: Yes Jack, I'm fast asleep.

SLASHERS: Don't worry, Jack. Daniel doesn't talk in his sleep, remember?

[PETE SURVEILS THE SURVEILLANCE VAN.]

[TEAL'C PRESENTS HIS DONUTS.]

JACK: No, I'll pass.

[TEAL'C LOOKS HURT.]

TEAL'C FANS: You bastard!

[JACK SEES OSIRIS BEAM INTO DANIEL'S ROOM.]

JACK: I'll kill her... er, him, er, it, whatever, if it tries anything.

[SAM ACTIVATES THE JAMMING SYSTEM WHICH WILL TRAP OSIRIS, WHILE JACK AND TEAL'C LEAVE THE VAN, AND PETE WATCHES FROM HIS VEHICLE.]

[NIGHT TURNS INTO DAY.]

JACK: Carter?

SAM: She's still there, Sir.

JACK: How much longer do we wait? I really gotta pee.

[IMAGE OF DANIEL SPRAWLED ON THE BED]

DANIEL FANS: [thud]

[CUT TO DANIEL'S DREAMTIME, INT. WORKROOM/STUDY.]

SARAH: Progress?

DANIEL: I don't know. I never knew.

[CUT BACK TO DANIEL WAKING UP IN BED, WITH OSIRIS STANDING NEAR HIM.]

OSIRIS: How unfortunate for you.

[OSIRIS USES A RIBBON DEVICE ON DANIEL.]

HURT/COMFORT FANS: We're *so* getting some missing scene fics from this ep.

[JACK RUSHES IN TO DANIEL'S ROOM.]

SLASHERS: As he has *so* many times before.

[OSIRIS USES THE RIBBON DEVICE AGAINST JACK, KNOCKING HIM OUT COLD. OSIRIS TRIES TO BEAM OUT, AND DISCOVERS IT DOESN'T WORK.]

AUDIENCE: Tricksy Asgard technology.

OSIRIS: Hates it we do.

[TEAL'C COMES IN, ALMOST GETS SHOT, SAM LEAVES THE VAN TO HELP.]

PETE: Sam.

SAM: Pete! What are you... [interrupted by a weapon fired at the van] Get down!

[OSIRIS CONTINUES FIRING, SAM PULLS OUT A ZAT.]

AUDIENCE: A zat? Sam already knows Osiris is probably using a personal shield and a zat won't work. Why?

WRITERS: Um... she didn't want to wake the neighbors?

[MEANWHILE, BACK IN DANIEL'S ROOM.]

TEAL'C: Are you alright, DanielJackson?

DANIEL: Yeah, yeah, go get her.

SLASHERS: Leaving Jack and Daniel in the bedroom. Alone.

HURT/COMFORT FANS: We can work with this.

SLASHERS: So can we.

[BACK OUTSIDE, PETE FIRES AT OSIRIS, AND SEES HER EYES GLOW.]

PETE: That is not normal.

AUDIENCE: Ding, ding! Give that man a Kewpie doll! He got it in one.

[OSIRIS FIRES AT THE VAN'S FUEL TANK, THUS BLOWING SHIT UP.]

WRITERS: Whee!

AUDIENCE: Bet *that* woke up the neighbors.

WRITERS: Was it good for you?

[JACK SHOOTS OSIRIS WITH A TRANQ GUN, SHE PASSES OUT. PETE'S INJURED, SAM TELLS JACK HE NEEDS AN AMBULANCE.]

PETE: What just happened?

SAM: I promise, if you make it through this, I'll tell you everything.

AUDIENCE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up the truck here. Sam couldn't tell her father who was dying of cancer, but *did* have security clearance, yet she's promising to tell Pete?

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[SARAH WAKES UP, WITH DANIEL AT HER BEDSIDE.]

DANIEL: It's all over. You're free. I managed to save one. Go me!

INT. PRIVATE ROOM IN THE INFIRMARY

[SAM VISITS PETE, AND GIVE HIM A PICTURE OF THEM AT THE DANCE AS A GET WELL GIFT.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Are you *sure* it's not a "get lost" gift?

[SAM BEGINS TELLING HIM THE STORY OF THE STARGATE PROGRAM.]

SAM: Once upon a time, there was this pretty ring-thing. It allowed us to go to other planets. Don't have much use for it anymore, since so much of our time is being devoted to snogging and blowing shit up.

SAM/PETE SHIPPERS: Pete's cute! I hope they at least mention him again, maybe bring him back next season.

S/J SHIPPERS: Pete who? We don't know any Pete.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, DEATH KNELL, IN WHICH THE ALPHA SITE IS ATTACKED BY THE GOA'ULD, AND MAJOR CARTER GOES MISSING.

AUDIENCE: Missing? Again? She's gone missing at *least* as many times as Daniel's died. The woman needs a LoJack system installed.
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