7.12 Evolution, Part 2 by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Evolution, Part 2, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps, and a beta read. Dedicated to all the posters discussing this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Please note that this is actually the first Breadbox Edition that I wrote, so the style for this one and the latter half of the season is different from what it evolved into later.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I promise not to leave any bruises. At least not any visible ones. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
When last we left our heroes...

Anubis, hereafter known as Nuby, has created Super Troopers, and is frustrated they're just not as funny as the movie by the same name. The SGC has just learned the location of Nuby's base, and begin plotting strategy. Or something. Meanwhile, Daniel and Dr. Bill Lee were sent on a mission to South America to find a Goa'uld artifact the Tok'ra think can be used as a weapon against Nuby. Local terrorists promptly kidnap them after finding the artifact. Well of *course* they are.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

HAMMOND: Daniel's been kidnapped by Honduran rebels.

JACK: So we'll send in a team to rescue him.

HAMMOND: Well, since 98% of our budget is going towards blowing shit up, it's going to be you and one CIA operative named Burke. In a tropical rainforest with evergreens and a tropical bird we got on sale.

JACK: Oh.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel is being led by one of the terrorists to the head terrorists "office," otherwise known a shack.]

TERRORIST: Gringo. Rapido.

DANIEL: Hey, this *is* one of the languages I understand. You can use big words and everything.

[Head terrorist Rafael is eating fruit and drinking water in front of Daniel, who hasn't had anything for days.]

DANIEL: I hope you choke on the pit.

RAFAEL: We're going to start slow today.

DANIEL: Oh yes, would you? I'm not quite awake yet. No coffee.

[Rafael points to the artifact.]

RAFAEL: What is this?

[Daniel remains silent for a time, while Rafael continues to taunt him with water.]

DANIEL: It's an artifact.

RAFAEL: An artifact?

DANIEL: I'm an archaeologist. I find artifacts. Found one. Do I need to go slow for you too? Would pictures help? No, seriously, I'm an archaeologist; you can look me up on the Internet.

SLASHERS IN THE AUDIENCE: Yes, it would be *quite* the eye-opener for them.

[Rafael still doesn't believe him and threatens to torture Daniel with electrical shocks from a car battery.]

RAFAEL: You will tell me what I want to know.

DANIEL: Oh puh-leeze. Gou'uld better than you have tried. I bait snakes for a hobby. I'll try to pay attention. Poffy kept me awake with the glare off his costumes, if nothing else.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. SAM'S LAB

[Jack informs Sam he's going on the mission to rescue Daniel, with only one guy to assist him, while she plans to lead a mission to... well, we're not sure exactly what the mission is, but we're pretty sure it will involve shit blowing up.]

JACK: Hey, isn't it dark in here?

SAM: They forgot to pay the bill again. Something about saving money to blow shit up.

JACK: Oh. Well, have fun storming the castle.

SAM: Wanna trade missions?

JACK: Not on your life. I get a tropical rainforest with evergreens while you're going up against thousands of Nuby's Super Troopers. I'll pass, thank you very much.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel's tossed into a shack while Dr. Lee is removed for his torture session]

DANIEL: [moan]

[Hurt/comfort fans give a collective squee that generates a 6.8 on the Richter scale.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

JACOB: We have to go to Nuby's base on Tartarus. A sensor array keeps anyone from approaching unnoticed. We have to take it out.

AUDIENCE: As long as we don't get any damned Ewoks in this "homage" we're cool with that.

SAM: How do we do it?

SELMAC: I will walk through the Stargate.

HAMMOND: Selmac?

SELMAC: [long suffering sigh] Yes, I'm still in here, you morons. I will wear the Super Trooper armor, and even though I'm a foot shorter, they'll never notice.

EXT. CAFâ IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Burke and Jack have a couple of beers and get a guide, while Burke lays the blame on Jack for a past mission which led Burke to his current crappy job. Burke storms off.]

INT. SHACK IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

LEE: I never thought I would die like this.

DANIEL: You're not dead yet. Trust me, I know what death's like.

[Daniel learns Lee has told their captors "everything"]

DANIEL: Define "everything." What about that little incident in the closet with Jack at the office Christmas party? That's not in "everything" is it?

INT. TERRORISTS IN A SHACK IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Goa'uld artifact starts to glow.]

TERRORISTS: Oh, shiny.

AUDIENCE: That's not good. Trust us.

INT. GATEROOM

[Jacob is suited up and goes through the gate to Tartarus.]

AUDIENCE: I really hope they scrubbed that suit out with bleach first. Ick.

INT. GATEROOM ON TARTARUS

[Jacob is stopped by one of Nuby's scientists.]

SNAKE SCIENTIST: Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

DIRECTOR: Hey! It's Super Trooper, you git!

SNAKE SCIENTIST: Sorry, my bad.

INT. SPACESHIP HIDING ON THE DARK SIDE OF A MOON

[Carter, Teal'c and Bra'tac wait for Jacob to get the force field down]

CARTER, TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC: Bored now.

AUDIENCE: So are we.

INT. SCIENTIST'S LAB

ANUBIS: Tell me how this one has failed.

AUDIENCE: And tell us how your idiot scientist can't tell there's a human in there instead of one of the clones.

SELMAK: aHEM.

AUDIENCE: Sorry, ma'am. We meant Tok'ra, of course.

ANUBIS: There's a remote probe malfunctioning. Fix it. And my toilet's backing up. See to that too. Oh, and apparently the intercom isn't working, since I had to schlep all the way down here to talk to you. This place is just going straight to Hell. Tartarus. Whatever.

INT. SPACESHIP HIDING ON THE DARK SIDE OF A MOON

SAM: And we're waiting, we're waiting, we're waiting.

TEAL'C: MajorCarter, perhaps it is time...

[Teal'c is interrupted by a Very Important Beep.]

TEAL'C: [mutter] Dammit. I thought I was going to actually get two whole lines in this episode. I'm calling my agent.

[Jacob has brought down the force field and lets the others in.]

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Jack and his guide go to the location where Daniel and Lee found the artifact. Burke is waiting for them. Burke convinces Jack to let the guide return to the café in a tropical rainforest with evergreens.]

GUIDE: Suckers. Easiest money I ever made.

INT. TERRORIST SHACK IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel is tied to a chair.]

AUDIENCE: Medic! A lot of the Danny Whumping fans just swooned. The Jack/Daniel slashers seem to be in dire need of oxygen. Or maybe a cold shower.

RAFAEL: Your friend tells us this artifact may be the origin of the fountain of youth myth. What does it do to people?

DANIEL: Beats me. I'm not stupid enough to turn it on. Jack would get really pissed if I did.

RAFAEL: We turned it on.

DANIEL: Turn it off! Jack might think I did it!

[One of the terrorists begs Rafael to turn off the device, and gets shot for his efforts.]

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

JACOB: OK, kiddies, it's time to run around the corridors, safely protected by an isotope that shields us from the Goa'uld sensors.

AUDIENCE: Um, haven't they used that trick before? So why hasn't Nuby either adjusted his sensors or at least added a thermal detector or cameras or *something*?

WRITERS: Shut up, you. We're about to get to the good part.

AUDIENCE: You're going to blow shit up? That's not necess--

WRITERS: See! You love it!

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Jack and Burke traipse around the forest like they're on a Boy Scout Jamboree, not an ex-covert ops guys on a mission. They find Rogelio, Daniel and Lee's guide.]

ROGELIO: I've been shot.

JACK: You have been shot.

ROGELIO: Did I stutter? I've been here for days. I have not, however, bled to death. Nor have insects gotten into my wound, nor wild animals attracted to the scent of blood. And you guys have *got* to get this new razor that I found! I *still* don't have any stubble.

BURKE: And your pants are still clean and pressed. That's *crazy* man!

JACK: We've got to get you medical help.

ROGELIO: Leave me. Find your friends. They owe me money. Help is on the way.

AUDIENCE: Help is on the way? From where? Clue Bus Time, Rog, this *is* your help.

[Jack and Burke leave Rogelio behind, because apparently the writers don't want to pay the actor to actually walk around again.]

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

SCIENTIST: One of the Super Troopers is missing.

NUBY: What happened with the Super Trooper?

SCIENTIST: There was... damage.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, "damage" like he was scooped out of his suit like a melon and replaced with a shorter human. Idiot.

SELMAK: [gives up]

NUBY: Idiot. [sigh] Did you at least get the toilet fixed?

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Focus on parrot on tree limb. We spent a good $50 on it, we're going to do a slow pan, dammit.]

[Jack and Burke traipse around the forest, nattering like schoolboys about the Past Mission That Went Wrong (tm)]

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

JACOB: There's a lot of Super Troopers, at least a dozen or so.

AUDIENCE: Oh, have *you* got a surprise coming. You really must not watch the show, eh Jacob?

[The team finds symbiote holding tanks, all empty except one, which holds a queen.]

INT. SHACK IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel attempts to break out of the shack.]

DANIEL: This artifact is worse than a sarcophagus, and I don't want to deal with that again. We're outtie.

AUDIENCE: Why is Daniel wearing his shirt?

INT. TERRORIST SHACK IN TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[As the box glows ominously (don't you just hate it when they do that?), the dead terrorist moves.]

AUDIENCE: We hate it when they do that too.

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

JACOB: This queen's brain activity is near zero. She's not going to pass on her genetic memory to her offspring.

AUDIENCE: Or she might just be really stupid, even for a Goa'uld.

JACOB: She's obviously in league with Nuby.

AUDIENCE: Or else is being forced to do his bidding, so if you destroy her, you might be killing an ally.

SAM: How did Nuby figure out how to do this?

TEAL'C: Nuby must have gotten it from Jonas Quinn's mind.

AUDIENCE: That wouldn't have taken long.

JACOB: We must blow this queen up, to slow down Nuby's capacity to create more Super Troopers.

WRITERS: Yay! We get to blow shit up! Finally!

AUDIENCE: Um, if Nuby got this out of Jonas' mind, then why didn't he get the info about the masking isotope, or better yet, a sample from his blood? There's no way the sensor block should be working.

WRITERS: Don't worry about stuff like that! Shit is about to commence blowing up!

AUDIENCE: Well, bullshit is definitely involved, but we're not so sure about the blowing up part.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Jack and Burke still continue chattering on in normal conversational tones, as if there's probably not terrorists all around *and* there's no rush to find the hostages. Burke spins about a dozen different versions of his reasons for The Mission That Went Bad (tm), apparently to see if Jack will actually buy any of them.]

JACK: No sale.

[Jack and Burke hear gunfire.]

JACK: Daniel's thattaway. Trust me on this one.

[Daniel and Lee use the distraction to get away.]

DANIEL: [looking towards where the Zombie Terrorist is shooting the place up]: That's not good.

AUDIENCE: No shit? Really?! We always knew you were a genius.

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

JACOB: I'm going to act like I know my way around this place, even though we didn't even know it existed until the beginning of this episode.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel and Lee run away from the gunfire, while Jack and Burke run towards it. It's really easy to tell who's military and who's civilian in this show. Meanwhile, the terrorists are in hot pursuit of Daniel and Lee, even though the Zombie Terrorist is still shooting the place up. Someone really needs to sort their priorities.]

[Dr. Lee trips over someone's houseplant, which was placed to make us think we're in a jungle instead of a tropical rainforest with evergreens. Daniel hides him, and continues running.]

AUDIENCE: Why don't they *both* hide?

WRITERS: Um.

[Rafael finds Daniel, and sprays bullets around him. Daniel's hit in the leg.]

DANIEL: Amateur! Get a ribbon device and call me when you're ready to play.

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

[Lots of running about in corridors, leading to a balcony view of Nuby's collection of Super Soldiers at this week's staff meeting with Nuby.]

JACOB: Looks like they're preparing an invasion.

AUDIENCE: Wonder if they'll "homage" another Emmerich movie, ID4?

WRITERS: Ooooh, we need to get that DVD.

NUBY: OK, this week we have a really special treat. To help us plan our strategy, we're going to watch an inspirational film...

[Nuby is interrupted by an aide whispering in his ear.]

NUBY: What do you mean my copy of "Attack of the Clones" is missing?! Who has it?

[Aide whispers in Nuby's ear.]

NUBY: What the hell is "Bridge Studios"?

SUPER TROOPER #163,520: Damn, I was really wanting to see Natalie Portman.

SUPER TROOPER #120,206: Don't worry, dude. I heard we're all going to get our own clones of her after we take over Earth.

SUPER TROOPER #163,520: Cool!

SUPER TROOPER #198,257: Is there an Ewan McGregor option?

[Super Trooper #163,520 and Super Trooper #120,206 stare at him.]

SUPER TROOPER #198,257: Um. Just curious. Forget I asked.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Daniel picks up a rock to defend himself, when there's a hail of gunfire. Jack appears.]

DANIEL: What are you doing here? I had them right where I wanted them, dammit! You didn't have to shoot them! They all count as mine!

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

[Shit starts blowing up.]

WRITERS: Whee!

AUDIENCE: Whatever.

WRITERS: Look, there's a Super Trooper! Isn't he cool?

AUDIENCE: Bored now. And if you dare play the sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man" when the Super Trooper is running, we *will* have to hurt you.

WRITERS:[gulp] We better send a corrected memo to the f/x department.

SLASH AUDIENCE: Can we get back to the bit about Jack bandaging Daniel's leg? We're pretty sure there's more to that scene than you taped. Close ups would be nice.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Zombie Terrorist arrives in the scene. Jacks shoots him, but he's still a dead man walking.]

AUDIENCE: Um. Why didn't the other guys Jack just shot get up too?

WRITERS: Um. We'd better have something blow up to distract them.

[Burke fires a grenade at the Zombie Terrorist.]

WRITERS: There, that outta do it.

SLASH AUDIENCE: Um, no. Actually, could you pan back over to Jack helping Daniel up? Thank-you-kindly.

BURKE: What's with the guy from "Evil Dead"? And can I get a chainsaw if we're going to be fighting zombies on a regular basis?

INT. NUBY'S PLACE ON TARTARUS

[Sam, Teal'c and Jacob escape to the scout ship. Unfortunately, a Super Trooper has followed them and entered the ship through an outer hatch.]

AUDIENCE: So now are we going to get a Ripley versus the alien fight, complete with powerloader suit?

WRITERS: Ooooh, we need to get that DVD! Sam would be great in a "homage" to Ripley and kicking alien ass.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] OK, but only if it's Jonas' alien ass.

[Super Trooper enters the ship, Sam fires at it, he backhands her, then shoots Teal'c, hitting his side.]

AUDIENCE: Why didn't he just shoot at Sam too? Are the Super Troopers too chivalrous to shoot at a woman, but don't have anything against smacking her around?

WRITERS: Er.

AUDIENCE: But at least this one does seem to be able to hit the broad side of a barn with his shooting. Must be a new model.

[Jacob and Bra'tac lure the Super Trooper into the ring transport, and beam him out of the ship.]

AUDIENCE: We're surprised they didn't add a toilet flush sound in that scene.

WRITERS: We were going to, but after that previous threat over sound effects, we decided against it.

[Jacob attends to the wounded Sam.]

AUDIENCE: Sam smeared her lipstick. Maybe she was trying to reapply when the Super Trooper hit her?

WRITERS: That's blood!

AUDIENCE: Um. Yeah, sure. We're convinced. We're convinced the makeup department is on crack.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[Jack, Burke, Daniel and Lee wait for a chopper to pick them up. Lee holds the artifact.]

BURKE: Hey, is that the thing?

DANIEL: Yes, but it's off. Not glowing equals off.

LEE: We think.

INT. GATEROOM

[Sam, Teal'c, Jacob and Bra'tac return, while Jack, Daniel and Hammond greet them at the ramp.]

AUDIENCE: Shouldn't Sam have a bruise on her face? She was bitch-slapped pretty hard. But why the big sling? Are she and Teal'c having a "my sling is bigger than yours" argument or something?

SAM: Nuby has a whole army of Super Troopers.

EVERYBODY: That's bad.

AUDIENCE: Wait, don't they have a lifespan of like three weeks? With the queen dead, he can't make any more, so in three weeks it's a moot point, right? Right?

WRITERS: We so hate you.

[Everyone except Sam and Jack leave the room quickly. Apparently it's Taco Night in the commissary, and Daniel knows he's slow on the crutches, so he's getting a head start before Jack gets all the guacamole.]

JACK: Nice command.

SAM: Got us back all alive.

JACK: I was talking about Jacob and Bra'tac. Sounds like they did all the work. Let's have lunch, so we can discuss why you'll never get your own command at this rate. We'd better hurry, before Daniel gets the last of the guacamole.

FADE OUT
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