7.11 Evolution, Part 1 by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Evolution, Part 1, with audience participation.

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Previously on Stargate SG-1...

The SGC fight against this season's Big Bad -- a pile of dirty laundry with a 'tude.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

[TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC ARE ON A BATTLEFIELD, SURROUNDED BY MANY DEAD JAFFA. SOME OF THE WARRIORS WERE SHOT IN THE BACK WHILE RETREATING. THEY FIND A FIRST PRIME STILL ALIVE. BARELY. HE SAYS THEY MUST LEAVE, BUT BRA'TAC ASKS WHY HIS MASTER BETRAYED THE OTHER GOA'ULD.]

FIRST PRIME: We came to forge an alliance. My master did not do this. He barely escaped alive.

TEAL'C: Then what happened here?

FIRST PRIME: One warrior...

[THE FIRST PRIME IS HIT BY AN ENERGY BLAST. TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC BEGIN FIRING AT THE NEWCOMER ON THE SCENE -- STYLISHLY DRESSED TO SHOW OF HIS (ITS'?) ASSETS.]

AUDIENCE: [snicker] Beware! It's the Codpiece O'Doom!

COSTUMING DEPARTMENT: Hey, it's armor!

AUDIENCE: We're sure a creature that doesn't reproduce sexually *really* needs a codpiece for protection.

COSTUMING DEPARTMENT: OK, OK, so the *writers* said it would be cool.

AUDIENCE: Didn't they say the same thing about Jonas?

COSTUMING DEPARTMENT: [hangs head]

[TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC KEEP FIRING, BUT THE "GUY" WON'T GO DOWN.]

SLASHERS: You mean...

AUDIENCE: Pervs.

SLASHERS: We were just curious. [thpth]

[THE WARRIOR FINALLY STOPS FIRING AT THEM AND FALLS TO THE GROUND.]

BRA'TAC: That's mine! I hit him first.

TEAL'C: *I* hit him last, old man.

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[FOUR SGC PERSONNEL CARRY THE WARRIOR THROUGH THE GATE ON A STRETCHER, FOLLOWED BY TEAL'C AND BRA'TAC. THEY JOIN HAMMOND, DANIEL AND SAM AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RAMP. BRA'TAC EXPLAINS THAT APPARENTLY EVERYONE WAS KILLED BY THIS ONE SOLDIER, AND BOTH SIDES WERE EQUALLY DECIMATED, SO IT WASN'T A WARRIOR FOR EITHER OF THE GOA'ULD THAT WERE MEETING.]

HAMMOND: Major, run whatever tests you have to.

AUDIENCE: Just *tempt* her to technobabble, why don't you?

SAM: I'd like to call the Tok'ra in on this one, Sir, with your permission.

AUDIENCE: Time for a visit from Daddy, Sam?

HAMMOND: Do it. I want to know everything we can about this warrior.

SLASHERS: Oh yes, time for a visit from Daddy.

AUDIENCE: Such pervs.

SLASHERS: And? So? But? Therefore?

INT. SGC LAB

[SAM AND JACOB ARE TRYING TO RUN AN MRI ON THE WARRIOR, BUT THE ARMOR IS BLOCKING IT. NEXT WE SEE SAM IN SURGICAL GEAR, WORKING ON THE SOLDIER.]

SAM: This helmet is made up of two pieces. Pass me those forceps.

JANET FANS: Um, when the hell did Sam get her medical degree? And why isn't Janet assisting?

WRITERS: Get used to it.

JANET FANS: Why should we?

WRITERS: Um, no reason. Moving right along...

[THE CARTERS REMOVE THE HELMET TO REVEAL THE WARRIOR'S FACE.]

CARTERS: Ew.

AUDIENCE: Ew. And didn't we see a scene similar to this in Independence Day?

WRITERS: Um. [hides DVDs]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

SAM: It's a Goa'uld. Quite frankly, that's not as shocking as the host.

HAMMOND: How so?

AUDIENCE: 'Cause it's freaking butt ugly.

SAM: It has an incredibly unusual organ structure.

AUDIENCE: That too.

[JACOB EXPOSITIONS THE HOST HAS ABNORMALLY LARGE HEART AND LUNGS, AS IF SOMEONE TRIED TO GENETICALLY ENGINEER THE PERFECT ATHLETE WITHOUT CONCERN FOR LONGEVITY. IT'S UP TO THE SYMBIOTE TO SUSTAIN ITS' LIFE.]

DANIEL: An engineered host.

SLASHERS: We know you're being distracted by thoughts of Jack, but pay attention, Danny. Jacob already said that.

[JACOB EXPOSITIONS SOME MORE, SAYING THAT EVEN A SYMBIOTE COULDN'T COMPENSATE FOR LONG. THEY'RE STILL ANALYZING IT, BUT THERE WAS NO TRAUMA FROM ENERGY WEAPONS.]

HAMMOND: What does that mean?

AUDIENCE: And with a minimum of technobabble, please.

SAM: The warrior's armor seems to possess some sort of advanced energy absorption technology. If it works the way I think it does, it wouldn't matter how many staff or zat blasts were fired at it. Nothing would get through.

AUDIENCE: Not bad. You're learning.

HAMMOND: Are you suggesting that Teal'c and Bra'tac didn't kill this Goa'uld?

AUDIENCE: Because if you are, you might not want to say it in from of them.

SAM: Yes, sir. Apparently, the host was on the verge of a pulmonary failure long before it encountered them.

AUDIENCE: [sigh] She *was* learning.

HAMMOND: It had a heart attack?

SAM: Sorry, Teal'c. You didn't stop it. You and Bra'tac just got lucky.

SLASHERS: Not *our* kind of lucky. [pout]

AUDIENCE: Well, at least she said she's sorry.

INT. SGC LAB

[JACOB, SAM AND DANIEL ARE STUDYING THE WARRIOR.]

JACOB: Its' entire cellular structure is less then three weeks old. It is organic, but it was definitely created in a lab.

AUDIENCE: For some reason, we feel the time limit may be important.

WRITERS: We don't.

[MORE EXPOSITION ABOUT HOW THE GOA'ULD HAVE BEEN TRYING TO PERFECT A HOST THAT WOULD BE SUPERIOR TO HUMANS, BUT THIS ONE IS STRONGER BUT NOT SUPERIOR.]

AUDIENCE: And it's butt ugly, don't forget that point. We mean, really... can you see one of these things wearing one of Poffy's more spectacular outfits?

JACOB: This was obviously intended to be a new form of foot soldier. Possibly a reaction to the recent uprising of the Jaffa. What's most interesting is that this being was not alive when it was first grown. It was given life after it reached its mature state.

DANIEL: Frankenstein's monster.

SAM: How do you know that?

AUDIENCE: Duh. Because Daniel reads? [pause] Oh, wait, you were talking to Jacob. Nevermind.

SELMAK: Remnants of a unique energy signature within its cells. It's similar to the residual effects left by the use of a sarcophagus.

DANIEL: Could it give life to something that wasn't alive in the first place?

[SELMAK TAKES OVER JACOB'S EXPOSITION JOB, EXPLAINING THE SARCOPHAGUS CAN'T GIVE LIFE, BUT IT IS BASED ON A DEVICE CREATED BY THE ANCIENTS. THE TOK'RA HAVE BEEN SEEKING THE ORIGINAL DEVICE, TO TRY TO ATTEMPT TO ELIMINATE THE NEGATIVE SIDE EFFECTS. NOW, IT MIGHT THE KEY TO FIGHTING THE NEW WARRIOR.]

SAM: How?

SELMAK: With the device we may be able to devise a weapon to counteract this life giving energy.

DANIEL: Who was the first Goa'uld to find the device?

SELMAK: His name was Telchak.

AUDIENCE: His name was Tel-chak, he was a Goa'uld... Oh, nevermind.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL GETS THE EXPOSITION DUTIES AND EXPLAINS ABOUT HIS GRANDFATHER NICK BALLARD HAVING AN OBSESSION WITH FINDING THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. NICK CLAIMED THERE WAS EVIDENCE IT WAS ALIEN TECH, ORIGINALLY BELONGING TO CHAC, THE MAYAN GOD OF RAIN.]

AUDIENCE: Chac = Telchak. Check. Um, got it.

[EXPOSITION PART TWO, AS DANIEL SHOWS JACOB NICK'S NOTES ABOUT CHAC'S TEMPLE. JACOB SAYS IT'S WRITTEN IN AN OBSCURE DIALECT OF GOA'ULD.]

AUDIENCE: So does that mean that Nick found a site with text in ancient Goa'uld?

WRITERS: Um. Sure. Whatever.

DANIEL FANS: And what would make it so obscure as to not be recognized by Daniel, who can, you know speak *and* read Goa'uld?

WRITERS: It's written in Pidgen Goa'uld. Moving right along...

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

[DANIEL WANTS TO GO LOOKING FOR TELCHAK'S TEMPLE IN SOUTHERN HONDURAS.]

AUDIENCE: A tropical location? Bet that'll blow the budget at the garden shop.

WRITERS: You have *no* idea.

[SELMAK EXPLAINS THAT AFTER TELCHAK CREATED THE SARCOPHAGUS, ANUBIS WENT TO WAR WITH HIM OVER THE ORIGINAL ANCIENT DEVICE. ANUBIS WON, BUT NEVER FOUND THE DEVICE. AFTER HE "SORTA KINDA" ASCENDED, HE WOULD HAVE GAINED THE KNOWLEDGE TO BUILD ANOTHER DEVICE.]

AUDIENCE: OK, so is Anubis *not* one of the original Ancient's then, if he was fighting with another Goa'uld over an Ancient device many years before he Ascended?

WRITERS: [blink]

AUDIENCE: And would the Ancients have actually called *themselves* the Ancients?

WRITERS: [blink, blink]

SELMAK: If we could analyze the technology of this device it might be possible to engineer a weapon we can use against these warriors.

SAM: Not to mention the possibility of harnessing its' power to heal.

HAMMOND: Very well. Dr. Jackson, take Dr. Lee and see what you can find. Dismissed.

EXT. TWENTY MILES OUTSIDE OF TEGUCIGALPA, HONDURAS

HEREAFTER KNOWN AS...

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL AND DR. LEE ARE CARRYING LARGE BACKPACKS AS THEY WALK TO AN OUTDOOR CAFE TO MEET WITH A LOCAL GUIDE.]

DANIEL: Well, we have a few beers... make a few friends...

DANIEL FANS: Oh, the places we could go with that line.

SLASHERS: [splashing in the shallow end of the Bad Place] Already. There.

[THEIR WAITER TURNS OUT TO BE THE GUIDE.]

ROGELIO: So... you guys wanna see some temples?

DANIEL: Actually, we want to see one temple in particular.

H/C FANS: The Temple of Whumpage is very high on our list of things to see.

BDSMERS: And do.

[DANIEL GETS OUT A MAP, AND POINTS OUT A SPECIFIC PLACE TO ROGELIO, BUT HE SAYS THERE'S NO TEMPLES THERE, BUT THEY CAN GO NORTH AND SEE LOTS OF RUINS. DANIEL SAYS EITHER TAKE THEM SOUTH, OR THEY'LL FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL. ROGELIO IS CONVINCED BY MONEY DR. LEE PUTS ON THE TABLE.]

ROGELIO: Okay, now we're talking business. Let's go gentlemen.

LEE: Uh... look, I-I need a receipt or something. I gotta fill in the paper...

AUDIENCE: Dude, you're totally boned on getting a reimbursement.

SLASHERS: And we don't mean "boned" the good way either.

[AS THE TRIO LEAVES, WE SEE A MAN WATCHING THEM WITH GREAT INTEREST.]

SLASHERS: Checking out Daniel's ass, huh? Jack's going to be pissed. Or at least we hope it was Daniel's ass. Dr. Lee seems nice, but... nah... But maybe Rogelio?

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[BRA'TAC SAYS NUBY'S STRATEGY IS TO ASSASSINATE MINOR GOA'ULDS, THEN ABSORB THEIR TROOPS AND RESOURCES IN ORDER TO DO BATTLE WITH THE REST OF THE SYSTEM LORDS. THE NEW WARRIORS ARE SLICING AND DICING THROUGH THEIR ENEMIES. EVEN IF DANIEL DOES RECOVER THE ANCIENT DEVICE, THERE'S NO GUARANTEE THE TOK'RA CAN MAKE A WEAPON OUT OF IT.]

SAM: We were only able to learn a limited amount from our study of the dead warrior and its' armor.

TEAL'C: The only way to learn more is through interrogation.

SAM: Which means we have to capture one alive.

AUDIENCE: Good luck with that.

INT. SAM'S LAB

[SAM REPORTS TO HAMMOND THE SUPER TROOPER ARMOR IS SIMILAR TO KEVLAR. A TRINIUM DART SHOULD BE ABLE TO PENETRATE.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM AND JACK ARE WALKING, DISCUSSING THE PLAN TO...]

S/J SHIPPERS: Get married, despite the regs?

NOROMOS: Like we've been telling the writers, don't interrupt the story with shippy nonsense.

[SAM AND JACK ARE WALKING, DISCUSSING THE PLAN TO CAPTURE A SUPER TROOPER AS IT COMES THROUGH A GATE. THEY BOTH ENTER AN ELEVATOR.]

SAM: So what do you think?

S/J SHIPPERS: [mpfph]

NOROMOS: The gags worked! Thanks!

BDSMERS: No problem.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[ACCORDING TO THE MAP, DANIEL, LEE AND ROGELIO ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE, BUT THERE'S NO SIGN OF A TEMPLE.]

DANIEL: This makes no sense. The legend of the fountain of youth says that all nearby water flows towards it.

LEE: Well, how's that possible?

AUDIENCE: Daniel, please introduce Dr. Lee to the Weird Shit-o-Meter.

DANIEL: Well maybe the device has special properties or maybe it's just superstition or maybe it means that the water from that waterfall back there flows in the direction of the temple.

[ROGELIO BITCHES THAT NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO HIM, THAT THERE ARE NO TEMPLES OUT HERE.]

DANIEL: Yeah, okay. Let's spread out, look for a... temple. In lieu of that, look for a... totem or marker of some kind. Anything that might tell us where to go from here.

[NO ONE MOVES.]

DANIEL: Go.

DANIEL FANS: Ooooh, Forceful!Danny! We like.

[DR. LEE TAKES A STEP FORWARD AND FALLS INTO A HOLE.]

LEE (FROM THE HOLE): Found it!

EXT. RAMIUS' PLANET

[BRA'TAC, TEAL'C, JACK, SAM AND OTHER SGC PERSONNEL SET UP AN AMBUSH FOR A SUPER SOLDIER. JACK ORDERS REYNOLDS TO RING THE PERIMETER WITH C4.]

REYNOLDS: Not much faith in plan A?

JACK: Since when has plan A ever worked?

REYNOLDS: Right.

AUDIENCE: [snerk] Jack's been watching the show, and Reynolds is learning.

INT. UNDERGROUND TEMPLE IN THE TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL JOINS DR. LEE IN EXPLORING THE TEMPLE, WHILE ROGELIO STAYS ABOVE GROUND AT THE ENTRANCE.]

EXT. RAMIUS' PLANET

AUDIENCE: And we're waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

JACK: Maybe we should start a pool.

AUDIENCE: We already have *several* interesting bets going at the moment. Otherwise... bored now.

INT. UNDERGROUND TEMPLE IN THE TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL AND LEE ARE STILL EXPLORING.]

LEE: Is this cramped thing getting to you? I mean, why would they make these passageways so narrow?

DANIEL: Maybe they were skinny people.

LEE: And the roof too. Ow, my head... God!

DANIEL: Skinny, short people.

DANIEL FANS: Snarky Daniel! Again, we like.

[DANIEL AND LEE ARRIVE IN A ROOM WITH NO EXIT, AND NO WRITING ON THE WALLS.]

LEE: Isn't there always writing?

[DANIEL TURNS HIS LIGHT ONTO LEE.]

LEE: You know, I mean, somewhere, there's bound to be... maybe not.

EXT. RAMIUS' PLANET

[A SUPER TROOPER HAS FINALLY ARRIVED, DOING HIS IMPERSONATION OF THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN.]

SUPER TROOPER: Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up my codpiece from the repair shop.

AUDIENCE: Um...

SUPER TROOPER: Don't ask.

AUDIENCE: Wasn't planning on it.

BDSMERS: Well, we admit *we're* rather curious.

[SAM ACTIVATES A FORCEFIELD AROUND THE TROOPER AND JACK SHOOTS IT WITH TRINIUM DARTS. NOTHING HAPPENS. THE TROOPER THEN PUSHES HIS WAY OUT OF THE FORCEFIELD.]

JACK: Son of a bitch.

AUDIENCE: Pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?

[SGC PERSONNEL AND REBEL JAFFA OPEN FIRE ON THE TROOPER, BUT WITH NO AFFECT. THE TROOPER FIRES BACK AND SOME THE SGC/JAFFA ARE HIT. THEY TRY THE C4, AGAIN WITH NO AFFECT. THE SUPER TROOPER WALKS PAST THEM, IGNORING THE PUNY HUMANS AND JAFFA. JACK GIVES THE ORDER TO ABORT THE MISSION AND BUG OUT THROUGH THE GATE, BUT SG-3 SAYS THERE ARE UNFRIENDLY JAFFA AND THEY CAN'T HOLD THE GATE.]

BRA'TAC: Soon we will be surrounded. If we fight, many more will die.

JACK: What do you want to do?

BRA'TAC: Surrender. There is a chance Adal and his rebel Jaffa can free us later.

[JACK'S NOT TOO THRILLED WITH THE IDEA AS DEATH GLIDERS FLY OVERHEAD AND THE SCENE FADES OUT TO...]

INT. UNDERGROUND TEMPLE IN THE TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL TELLS ROGELIO VIA RADIO THEY'VE FOUND A CHAMBER, SO THEY'RE GOING TO BE A WHILE.]

DURAN (OVER THE RADIO): Ah... take your time, Señor.

DANIEL (TO LEE): Well, we're paying him by the hour.

LEE: I don't understand. How are we supposed to find this thing if there is no writing?

DANIEL: All water flows towards it.

LEE: So?

DANIEL: Give me your canteen.

[DANIEL GIVES LEE HIS FLASHLIGHT, THEN POURS WATER FROM LEE'S CANTEEN ONTO THE FLOOR. THE WATER FLOWS UNTIL IT REACHES A CERTAIN POINT, THEN DRIPS THROUGH THE FLOOR.]

DANIEL: There's something under here.

LEE: You're good.

DANIEL FANS: You have *no* idea.

SLASHERS: And Jack won't *let* you get any ideas.

INT. HOLDING CELL ON RAMIUS' PLANET

[REYNOLDS IS WOUNDED BUT STABLE. JAFFA ARE STANDING GUARD AS RAMIUS HIMSELF ARRIVES.]

JACK: I'll handle this.

REST OF THE SGC PERSONNEL: We're boned.

JACK: I think it's important we clear up any misunderstanding right away. We did not come to kill you. Honest.

[JACK ASKS THE OTHERS TO BACK HIM UP. THEY ALL NOD, BUT SAY NOTHING, KNOWING HOW VERY BONED THEY ARE AS COSMIC GIDDINESS (TM) GAINS CONTROL OF JACK'S MOUTH.]

JACK: The fact is, and this is the fun part, we actually came to save your ass... es, all your asses. Do you see the irony? All right, there's this guy out there... big guy... big guy in a black suit, none to fond of you Goa'ulds. Well, anyway, he's the one we're after, not you. So if you wanna let us go, we'll be on our way, to save the world another day... you're not buying this are you?

RAMIUS: Jaffa! Kree!

[RAMIUS LEAVES]

JACK: That went well.

REST OF THE SGC PERSONNEL: We're still so very boned.

INT. UNDERGROUND TEMPLE IN THE TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL AND LEE PRY UP A PIECE OF THE FLOOR. THEY FIND A CUBE-SHAPED ITEM IN THE CHAMBER BELOW.]

LEE: Well, at least it has writing on it.

DANIEL: Yeah.

LEE: What's it say?

DANIEL: I have no idea.

LEE: Oh.

DANIEL FANS: You have Daniel confused with Super!Sam!, Knower of All Things.

SAM FANS: Hey!

DANIEL FANS: It's not a knock against Sam, it's against the writers.

WRITERS: Hey!

DANIEL FANS: Bite us, "Meridian" writing boys.

[LEE REACHES IN TO GET THE CUBE, BUT DANIEL STOPS HIM.]

DANIEL: Careful! Uhm, It's the root technology of a Sarcophagus... which, by itself, causes madness and addiction. This is supposedly something far more powerful. So accidentally activating it would be bad.

LEE: Okaaaay.

DANIEL: Let's just try picking it up without... touching it too much.

SLASHERS: Jack's finally getting through to him on the whole touching thing.

[THEY PULL THE CUBE OUT OF THE CHAMBER, AND THE TEMPLE STARTS TO QUAKE AND THEY HEAR THE SOUND OF WATER.]

DANIEL: I think running would be a good idea right about now.

AUDIENCE: Smart man.

DANIEL FANS: And a hottie too.

[WATER RUSHES INTO THE ROOM.]

INT. HOLDING CELL ON RAMIUS' PLANET

[REYNOLD'S CONDITION IS WORSENING. JACK IS HOPING THE REBEL JAFFA WILL ARRIVE SOON TO RESCUE THEM, BUT BRA'TAC SAYS THEY HAVE TO CONSIDER THEY MIGHT NOT.]

SAM: You're worried that the super soldier will kill Ramius and then just slaughter the rest of us.

JACK: Super Soldier?

SAM: No?

JACK: It has a ring.

AUDIENCE: [sigh]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee! Jack and Sam are talking about rings!

NOROMOS: [double sigh]

[JACK TRIES TO ANNOY THE JAFFA GUARDS, BUT ONLY SUCCEEDS IN ANNOYING SOME OF THE AUDIENCE. TEAL'C THEN TRIES TO EXPLAIN ABOUT THE WHOLE 'SERVING FALSE GODS' THING.]

JAFFA: Your words mean nothing to me. I know who you are. The Shol'va, Teal'c and Bra'tac. O'Neill of the Tau'ri. Assassins who believe they could slay my Master.

[WEAPONS ARE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.]

JACK: Well, if we're assassins, who's that? Hmm?

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[ROGELIO IS PANICKING AS HE SEES THE CHAMBER BELOW HIM IS FILLING WITH WATER, AND HE CAN'T CONTACT DANIEL OR LEE. SUDDENLY, THE CUBE OBJECT IS THRUST UP FROM THE WATER. ROGELIO TAKES IT AS DANIEL, THEN LEE, EMERGE FROM THE WATER.]

DANIEL FANS: Wet. Daniel. [whimper]

ROGELIO: Are you okay? I thought you were dead for sure. What happened, Señor?

DANIEL: We triggered some sort of trap.

LEE: I think I figured out why those passageways were so narrow. It's to prevent people from escaping alive.

DANIEL: You're good.

ROGELIO: What have you found?

[DANIEL AND LEE RAISE THEIR HANDS IN THE AIR AND SLOWLY STAND.]

ROGELIO: Oh, I'm not going to rob you, Señor.

[ROGELIO NOTICES THEY ARE LOOKING PAST HIM, AND TURNS TO SEE FOUR ARMED MEN, ONE OF WHICH IS THE GUY FROM THE CAFE.]

AUDIENCE: But those bad men over there *are* going to rob you.

INT. HOLDING CELL ON RAMIUS' PLANET

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE THE JAFFA OF THE TRUTH AS THINGS GO TO HELL (TM).]

TEAL'C: Ramius will force you to die for him while he attempts to escape.

JAFFA: My god will fight for his people.

BRA'TAC: You are wrong, my friend. Your god is somewhere cowering in fear like a child. I have seen it before. He will not hesitate to sacrifice all your lives to save his own.

[THE GUARD FINALLY CRACKS, AND RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR, LEAVING THEM STILL LOCKED AWAY.]

JACK: Hey! What about us?!

[THE JAFFA WHO LEFT COMES BACK AND UNLOCKS THE CELL.]

JAFFA: Ramius has fallen. Go now, before it comes for you.

[JACK ORDERS EVERYONE TO GET OUT, INCLUDING THE JAFFA GUARD, WHO FOLLOWS THEM.]

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL, LEE, AND ROGELIO ARE BLINDFOLDED, WITH THEIR HANDS BOUND, AND ARE BEING LED THROUGH THE FOREST BY THE ARMED MEN.]

BDSMERS: Yay! They *did* get our letters at Bridge!

DANIEL FANS: Hot. Sweaty. Daniel. Arm porn. [swoon]

[DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT THEY'RE SCIENTISTS, AND IF THIS IS A KIDNAPPING, THEY'RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING.]

DANIEL FANS: You underestimate yourself. You were worth crashing the MGM phone system after "Meridian" aired.

[LEE TRIPS AND FALLS. ROGELIO USES THE DISTRACTION TO MAKE A BREAK FOR IT, BUT THE KIDNAPPERS SHOOT HIM AS HE RUNS. DANIEL AUTOMATICALLY DUCKS AT THE SOUND OF GUNFIRE.]

AUDIENCE: He's definitely learned something from his time at the SGC.

[THE KIDNAPPERS EXPLAIN THAT THE GUIDE TRIED TO RUN AND WAS SHOT, SO MAYBE THAT'LL KEEP THEM ON THE PATH.]

EXT. RAMIUS' PLANET

[BACK AT THE PYRAMID, THEY FIND RAMIUS AND SEVERAL OF HIS JAFFA DEAD. APPARENTLY RAMIUS WAS TRYING TO GET TO HIS SHIP. THEY GATHER UP THEIR WEAPONS.]

SAM: Sir, I think we still have a chance to capture the warrior.

JACK: How?

LATER...

[RAMIUS' SHIP DESCENDS OVER THE SUPER TROOPER, AS THE RING TRANSPORTER ACTIVATES. TEAL'C IS PILOTING, AND SAM IS OUTSIDE THE RING ROOM DOOR. THE TROOPER STARTS BANGING AROUND IN THE ROOM.]

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[DANIEL AND LEE ARE LED TO THE KIDNAPPER'S CAMP. THEIR BLINDFOLDS ARE REMOVED, BUT THEIR HANDS ARE STILL BOUND AS THEY'RE TOSSED INTO A SHACK.]

DANIEL: Look I don't know what you expect, but no one's going to pay anything for us. We're not worth anything.

DANIEL FANS: Aris Boch said he could get a day's rations for you!

RAFAEL: That is unfortunate for you, because if no one pays, you both die.

DANIEL FANS: We'll pay! We'll pay! Hell, we'll even pay for Lee too, just because he's been nice to Daniel!

[RAFAEL CLOSES THE SHACK DOOR, LEAVING THE TWO DOCTORS ALONE.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[SAM REPORTS TO HAMMOND THEY HAD TO VOID THE LIFE SUPPORT OUT OF THE CARGO BAY, BUT IT STILL TOOK TEN MINUTES FOR THE TROOPER TO PASS OUT. IT'S STILL OUT COLD. THEY ARRIVE AT HAMMOND'S OFFICE, WHERE HE RECEIVES A PHONE CALL SAYING THE TROOPER IS AWAKE.]

INT. SGC LAB

[THE TROOPER IS SHACKLED TO THE WALL.]

BDSMERS: Well, they got our letters, but they didn't pay attention. It's not Jack, Daniel and/or Teal'c, and there's been *no* mention of a safe word.

BRA'TAC: Who do you serve? Hmm? Speak!

SUPER TROOPER: I serve Anubis.

TEAL'C: How were you created?

SUPER TROOPER: [silent]

SAM: Our initial scans indicate below normal brainwave patterns emanating from both the symbiote and the host. Basically, he's got all the strength and healing powers of a normal Goa'uld, but none of the normal personality traits.

JACOB: The Goa'uld use sophisticated brainwashing techniques.

AUDIENCE: Doesn't sound like there's much brain there to wash.

[JACOB SUGGESTS USING A MEMORY RECALL DEVICE TO SEE WHAT THE TROOPER IS THINKING WHEN THEY ASK IT QUESTIONS.]

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[HAMMOND TELLS JACK THAT DANIEL IS SIX HOURS OVERDUE FOR HIS REGULAR CONTACT.]

JACK: That's late, even for Daniel.

HAMMOND: The Honduran government has assured the State Department they're looking into it. They've sent some people to their last reported location. So far, they've found nothing.

INT. SGC LAB

[THE MEMORY RECALL DEVICE IS SET, SO JACOB, BRA'TAC, HAMMOND, SAM AND TEAL'C SETTLE IN WITH POPCORN TO WATCH THE SHOW.]

TEAL'C: What is your planet of origin?

[AN IMAGE APPEARS.]

JACOB: That's the sky above his planet.

SAM: I don't recognize any of these star configurations. This could be anywhere.

AUDIENCE: Oh, *puh-leeze*. Like Sam could identify any star configuration on sight.

WRITERS: She could if it was needed for the plot!

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

JACOB: We have star mapping technology that should be able to pinpoint this location in the galaxy. He just gave us his home world.

EXT. TROPICAL RAINFOREST WITH EVERGREENS

[RAFAEL GIVES DANIEL AND LEE SOME FOOD, AND REMOVES THEIR WRIST RESTRAINTS.]

RAFAEL: So, here's my proposal for you. I will ask questions, you give me answers. I believe you, you get more water, food... maybe even a blanket at night, okay? Okay. Who do you work for?

DANIEL: I told you we're archaeologists.

RAFAEL: Maybe I was not so clear. If I don't believe you, things get worse for you... much worse.

DANIEL FANS: Get real. Daniel's already died how many times now? He baits snakes as a hobby. This guy *ain't* scaring him.

DANIEL: You kill us you get nothing.

RAFAEL: Maybe I kill one of you to get your government's attention. Who lives? Who dies? That's up to you, my friend.

DANIEL: Okay, you, uh... you listen to me. What you're doing now is a big mistake. Some people... very powerful people are going to come for us and uh... well, let's just say by letting us go now, you're going to save yourself a lot of trouble.

J/D SLASHERS: He's talking about Jack!

D/T SLASHERS: Teal'c!

D/P SLASHERS: Paul!

D/H SLASHERS: Hammond!

NOROMOS: Wha?

D/B SLASHERS: Bra'tac!

NOROMOS: You're kidding, right?

D/J/S SLASHERS: Jacob and Selmak!

NOROMOS: Now that's just... ew.

D/S SHIPPERS: Sam!

D/J SHIPPERS: Janet!

D/S SHIPPERS: Sha're! [...] What? She's not really dead in *our* universe.

NOROMOS: [sigh] Why don't you just say, "The entire personnel complement of the SGC?"

SLASHERS & SHIPPERS: Because we're not *that* pervy!

PARTY SMUTTERS: Um... we'll bring the lube!

WRITERS: Who knew he was so popular?

DANIEL FANS: *We* did!

RAFAEL: Okay, we do it the hard way.

BDSMERS: Oh, could you *please*?

RAFAEL: Understand this, I will not hesitate to kill you both, make an example of you to your government so the next time they will take us seriously. You should know, many prisoners talk as you do, 'my friends will come and save me.' It gives them hope.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM AND JACOB ARE DISPLAYING A PICTURE OF THE SUPER SOLDIER'S PLANET OF ORIGIN.]

SAM: The Tok'ra call it Tartarus. It's a seemingly unoccupied planet on the edge of Goa'uld controlled space.

JACOB: The Tok'ra are currently trying to get as close as they can to assess any defenses that might be there.

[HAMMOND WALKS INTO THE ROOM.]

SAM: Sir?

HAMMOND: I'm afraid I have some bad news. I just received a communiqué from the State Department in Washington. It appears that Daniel Jackson and Dr. Lee have been kidnapped. Our best guess is they crossed the border into Nicaragua. However, as of this moment, we have no idea where they area.

[JACK AND SAM SHARE A CONCERNED LOOK, OR A SHIPPY GLANCE, DEPENDING ON YOUR INTERPRETATION.]

TO BE CONTINUED...

H/C FANS: No! We want some Daniel Whumping! We want some hurt! We want some comfort! Now!

WRITERS: Don't get too... ah... *comfortable* with that idea. [giggle]

H/C FANS: You have *no* idea of the types of hurting we know about. And we don't need to provide comfort either.

WRITERS: [gulp]

BDSMERS: Ask for a safe word. We think you're going to need it.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, INDIANA JACKSON AND THE QUEST FOR THE TEMPLE OF WHUMPAGE, PART 2: THE QUEST FOR JACK/DANIEL FRIENDSHIP SCENES.
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