7.10 Birthright by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Birthright, with audience participation.

- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer:Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I also want to worship Chris Judge for his writing skills. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine. Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...

Teal'c doesn't get any lines (or get any either) unless Chris Judge writes the script. The trend continues.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

EXT. ALIEN PLANET

[A LONE JAFFA IS WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS.]

JACK: All right, hold it! Right there!

[JACK COMES OUT FROM BEHIND A TREE, AIMING AT THE JAFFA. SAM AND DANIEL ALSO EMERGE, BOTH WITH WEAPONS RAISED.]

DANIEL: Hi.

DANIEL FANS: Hey baby. Oh, wait, he wasn't talking to us. Dammit.

RYK'L: I am Ryk'l of the Goa'uld Moloc.

[TEAL'C ARRIVES ON THE SCENE AND EXCHANGE A "FREE JAFFA" GREETING. RYK'L IS HIT FROM BEHIND BY A STAFF WEAPON FROM A GROUP OF NON-REBEL JAFFA COMING OUT OF THE WOODS. SG-1 RETURNS FIRE AND DUCKS AND COVERS.]

WRITERS: Shit blow up! Boom! Boom!

TREES: You'll hear from our lawyers. Bastards.

[THE ATTACKING JAFFA ARE FELLED BY YET MORE STAFF WEAPON BLASTS. THINKING IT'S MORE REBEL JAFFA, TEAL'C SHOUTS OUT A GREETING, BUT RECEIVES NO ANSWER. TWO FEMALE JAFFA EMERGE FROM THE SMOKE, STAFF WEAPONS AT THEIR SIDE.]

AUDIENCE: We thought Xena: Warrior Princess taped in New Zealand? And ended?

MALA: Warriors of the Tau'ri, we mean you no harm.

[MORE FEMALE JAFFA JOIN THE FIRST TWO, ALL CARRYING WEAPONS.]

MALA: Please, come with us.

[JACK PONDERS HIS ANSWER, AS A DEATH GLIDER FLIES OVERHEAD. MALA TELLS THEM THEY MUST HURRY, BECAUSE THE STARGATE WON'T BE ACCESSIBLE FOR LONG.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, since you asked so nicely... and have weapons to back it up... sure, why not?

[ONE OF THE FEMALE JAFFA, NEITH, GOES TO RYK'L AND REMOVES HIS SYMBIOTE AND PLACES IT IN A CONTAINER. DANIEL ASKS WHAT SHE'S DOING, BUT MALA SAYS THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN.]

NEITH: They're outsiders.

MALA: They are SG-1 of the Tau'ri.

JACK: Hey, what's goin' on?

AUDIENCE: For once, an intelligent question from Jack.

TEAL'C: This one believes we should return to her planet. That one does not believe it will be wise.

[MALA SAYS THEY KNEW SG-1 WOULD BE AT THIS LOCATION. THEY HAVE AN INTELLIGENCE NETWORK THAT RUNS DEEP WITHIN THE JAFFA OF MOLOC. SHE SAYS THEY ONLY WANT THEIR HELP AND THEY WILL REMAIN SAFE.]

DANIEL: Well, they did save us.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, you are *so* easy. And we kinda like that. We shall keep massage oil and fluffy towels on standby, just in case it's needed.

EXT. HAK'TYL

[THE FEMALE JAFFA EXIT THE STARGATE WITH SG-1.]

MALA: Welcome to Hak'tyl.

DANIEL (to Teal'c): Independence?

TEAL'C: Liberation.

GRRRL POWER FACTION: We're down with that.

OLD SCHOOL LIBBERS: Kids these days.

[MALA PREPARES TO LEAD THEM INTO THEIR SETTLEMENT, BUT JACK WANTS TO CONTACT THE SGC FIRST. SAM HEADS TO THE DHD, WHILE NEITH ASKS MALA WHY THEY BROUGHT SG-1 HERE.]

MALA: Because that was our mission.

NEITH: Why was I not told?

MALA: Because we knew you would disagree. Go ahead, tell Ishta of our success.

[NEITH LEAVES THE GROUP, AS SAM CONTACTS THE SGC AND LETS THEM KNOW OF THE CHANGE IN PLANS.]

LATER...

[THE JAFFA AND SG-1 ARE WALKING TO THE SETTLEMENT.]

JACK: So, Teal'c... who are they?

TEAL'C: My knowledge of the Goa'uld, Moloc, is limited. However, I am unaware of any Goa'uld that would permit his women Jaffa to be warriors.

DANIEL: They seem to be well trained.

BDSMERS: Is training something that appeals to you? We can help with that!

TEAL'C: All females receive training. They are expected to defend their home world with their lives when their men are called to battle.

DANIEL: Can't help but think of the ancient Greek Amazon mythos.

JACK: Yes, me too.

AUDIENCE: Oh, no. We sense Cosmic Giddiness (tm) incoming.

DANIEL: They were, um, female warriors who, occasionally captured men from other tribes in order to mate with them. They would often, um... would sometimes remove their right breast so they could more easily fire a bow and arrow.

AUDIENCE: What is it about anthrogeeks and breasts?

SLASHERS: It's a fixation of the writers. You know Daniel isn't into that these days.

JACK: I see neither bow nor arrow.

DANIEL: No.

AUDIENCE: Betcha don't get to see any breasts, either. Move along.

JACK: Wait... you don't suppose that's why they want us, do you? I mean, you know, the three of us?

DANIEL: You... to mate with? No, no... I don't think so.

SLASHERS: We think Daniel has some issues with that idea.

JACK: Well, because you know me, I'm all for helping people.

SAM (stifling laughter): Oh, God.

NOROMOS: You know, Sam doesn't exactly sound upset or territorial.

S/J SHIPPERS: It's a front. And we're pretty sure Sam can take any Xena wannabe.

FEMSLASHERS: [perk] Really?

S/J SHIPPERS: That's *not* what we meant!

FEMSLASHERS: [pondering mental images] Sorry, did you say something?

[THE TEAM IS LED INTO A CAMP FULL OF WOMEN AND CHILDREN. THE YOUNG ONES SEEM FRIGHTENED BY THEM.]

MALA: You must forgive them. For many of the young, this is the first time they've seen men.

AUDIENCE: And what lucky young ladies to have these three prime examples of manhood as their first viewing experience. It's a Kodak Moment (TM).

[ISHTA EMERGES FROM ONE OF THE DWELLINGS, FOLLOWED BY NEITH. MALA INTRODUCES ISHTA AS THEIR LEADER. JACK BABBLES A GREETING IN UNIVERSAL GOOBER, BUT ISHTA BREEZES BY HIM AND GOES STRAIGHT TO TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C FANS: He's da man.

TREKKERS: T'pol! They tried to drown you in a bucket of bleach!

ISHTA: Teal'c. Of Chulak. Former first prime of Apophis. The Shol'va who has become a legend.

JACK (to Daniel and Sam): That's a bit thick, don't you think?

AUDIENCE: Not as thick as you've been acting recently.

TEAL'C FANS: And stop trying to steal Teal'c's well-deserved adulation.

[TEAL'C SAYS HE'S NO LEGEND, AND INTRODUCES THE OTHERS.]

TEAL'C FANS: And he's so *modest*! We totally (heart) that.

ISHTA: I have asked you here so that I may propose an alliance.

JACK: Well, that's a fine idea. We should sit, talk, nosh.

AUDIENCE: Jack, you'd have to remove your foot from your mouth in order to eat. Not to mention your head from your ass.

TEAL'C: No alliance can be formed between the Tau'ri and those who would steal symbiotes from their brother and leave him to die.

NEITH: He was no brother of mine. Just a murderer of innocent children.

[ISHTA ORDERS HER TO BE SILENT. A YOUNG GIRL COMES TO STAND WITH ISHTA. ISHTA EXPLAINS THE GIRL HAD REACHED PUBERTY AND WOULD HAVE DIED WITHOUT THE SYMBIOTE THEY PROCURED. ANOTHER GIRL JOINS HER.]

ISHTA: This is Nesa, younger sister to Neith. She is next to reach the age. Without a symbiote, she will die... as will all our children.

INT. DWELLING ON HAK'TYL

[LATER, NEITH, MALA AND ISHTA EXPOSITION TO SAM. SHORT VERSION: MOLOC BAD. KILL GIRL BABIES. JAFFA WOMEN LIVE A LONG TIME. JAFFA MEN SEXIST PIGS. SAM COMMISERATES.]

EXT. HAK'TYL

[THE GUYS ARE STANDING OUTSIDE THE DWELLING. DANIEL IS OPENING A POWERBAR.]

JACK: Well, this is... odd.

DANIEL: Maybe they just feel more comfortable talking to Sam.

JACK: Why? Because we have penises?

DANIEL (choking slightly): Powerbar?

JACK: Yeah, thanks.

SLASHERS: Thanks bunches! We can get *so* much mileage out of this one scene.

DANIEL FANS: Gee, we wonder why Daniel was choking?

SLASHERS: [whispers into the Daniel Fans ears]

DANIEL FAN: [light bulb] Oh. Um. Oh! [choking] Um. OK, now we see.

SLASHERS: Not on this show you won't.

WRITERS: Damn straight! If you'll pardon the pun.

INT. DWELLING ON HAK'TYL

[THE WIMMIN FOLK ARE STILL EXPOSITIONING. ISTHA HIGH PRIESTESS. PRETENDING TO SACRIFICE GIRL BABIES. MALA AND NEITH HELP HER SMUGGLE THEM OUT. PARENTS DON'T KNOW THE GIRLS ARE STILL ALIVE.]

ISHTA: Over the moons we have succeeded in saving many from their birthright of death.

SAM: So you want our help to overthrow Moloc?

ISHTA: We may have underestimated you.

AUDIENCE: It helps to watch the show. Just know that you're lucky you got the writer you did for your first outing on it.

SAM: We've gone after Goa'uld before.

ISHTA: Moloc is very powerful. His armies are vast.

SAM: We have our ways... and some very powerful allies.

ISHTA: Forgive us, but our immediate goals are somewhat less ambitious.

AUDIENCE: The writers will fix that.

[THEY EXPLAIN THAT THEY WANT TO EXCHANGE INFORMATION FOR WEAPONS, FOOD AND SUPPLIES, SO THEY CAN CONTINUE THEIR RAIDS TO GAIN SYMBIOTES. SAM SAYS THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO OFFER THEM AN ALTERNATIVE.]

EXT. HAK'TYL

[LATER, SAM HAS REJOINED THE GUYS AND TELLS THEM ABOUT THE MEETING. SAM HAS SUGGESTED OFFERING THEM TRETONIN.]

SAM: It hasn't been easy. Jaffa won't willingly give up their symbiotes, despite the fact it could ultimately free them.

TEAL'C: Jaffa believe they will be weaker without them.

TEAL'C FANS: Da Man needs to go on tour and demonstrate the error of this thinking. Might we suggest going shirtless, just to get the point across?

DANIEL: Centuries of Goa'uld brainwashing.

AUDIENCE: Well, duh.

[SAM SAYS THE WOMEN ARE THINKING ABOUT IT, BUT THEY'VE SUFFERED HORRIBLY UNDER MOLOC AND HIS JAFFA, AND NOW DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM KILLING SOME OF THEM TO SURVIVE.]

TEAL'C: A Jaffa is taught it is more noble to die than to kill another.

AUDIENCE: Um... kind of puts a lie to all the big battles they've had then, eh?

SAM: Teal'c, these children have been genetically altered to depend on symbiotes and then had all access to them taken away. Their guardians believe this is the only way for them to survive.

TEAL'C: Then they will have to see that there is another way.

[TEAL'C GOES IN SEARCH OF ISHTA.]

JACK: Give 'em the old Teal'c charm.

AUDIENCE: Dammit, you stole our line!

TEAL'C FANS: Shhh! We want to see the old Teal'c charm.

[LATER, TEAL'C IS WALKING IN THE WOODS, AND COMES ACROSS AN AREA WHERE THERE'S A BUNCH OF DREAMCATCHER-LIKE THINGS HANGING FROM THE TREES. ISHTA TELLS HIM EACH DESIGN REPRESENTS AN IDEAL NO WARRIOR SHOULD FORGET. THEY BEGIN TALKING ABOUT TRETONIN, AND WHAT IT COULD MEAN FOR THE JAFFA.]

TEAL'C: Much of our tradition and our way of life have been designed to instill our dependence on the Goa'uld.

ISHTA: You believe it is wrong that we kill Jaffa merely that our children would live. But what is war for but the preservation of our children? We do not engage the defenseless or the weak. We always fight with honor and those that die do not die in vain.

TEAL'C: One day you will come across a Jaffa scout party that will not so easily be ambushed.

ISHTA: Then you doubt our abilities? Is that what this is about? You speak of progress and shedding of the old ways and yet you still think a woman needs your protection.

GRRRL POWER FACTION: You go, girl! Give 'em hell!

[ISTHA GETS TWO WOODEN PRACTICE STAFFS AND TOSSES ONE TO TEAL'C.]

ISHTA: May your limbs be more nimble than your tongue... for your sake.

HETSMUTTERS: Oh, we *like* this girl. She's giving us... ideas.

BDSMERS: Welcome to the party. Canape? Drink? Safe word?

[FIGHTY FIGHT FIGHT.]

ISHTA: Do not hold back, you will only anger me further.

HULK FANS: And you won't like her when she's angry.

[WHACKITY WHACK WHACK.]

ISHTA: I sense no symbiote in you.

TEAL'C: You are correct.

AUDIENCE: Um, why didn't she notice this at first? And why didn't anyone else notice? Anyone want to take bets on how quickly the writers forget this bit of canon?

WRITERS: No bet. You know we write the scripts with vanishing ink so we can't refer back to them, and we never rewatch old episodes.

HETSMUTTERS: Shouldn't she do a thorough examination of the region to make sure she isn't mistaken about the lack of symbiote?

NOROMOS: You're just like Teal'c aren't you? Getting lots of lines this time out.

HETSMUTTERS: It's a damn rarity, so leave us alone.

[THWACK, THWACK, ISHTA FLIPS TEAL'C ONTO HIS BACK.]

GRRL POWER: BOO yah, baybee!

ISHTA: You take this drug yourself and yet you conceal it! Your actions betray your words.

[ISHTA TAKES DOWN ONE OF THE DREAMCATCHERS AND THROWS IT TO TEAL'C, TELLING HIM IT MEANS PRIDE, THEN WALKS AWAY.]

HETSMUTTERS: That's *it*? She had him down, then leaves? Dammit, we never have *any* fun. [pout]

SLASHERS: There, there. Live for the missing scene fic.

TREKKERS: Why didn't she just pinch his neck?

AUDIENCE: It's because CJ knows the difference between "homage" and "derivative drivel."

HETSMUTTERS: But why can't she just pinch *something*?

NOROMOS: Pay no mind to us, we're drinking margaritas. Or something.

[LATER, BACK AT THE CAMP, ISHTA IS ADDRESSING HER PEOPLE AND SG-1.]

ISHTA: No longer will we need to lose our sisters in battle. No longer will our daughters be dependant on symbiotes. Teal'c has taken the drug. He stands here before you as evidence. I am asking for four volunteers to travel with me to the Tau'ri to test its effectiveness.

[NO ONE STEPS FORWARD.]

JACK: Is that a pin dropping?

AUDIENCE: No, another of your neurons fired. So rare, it echoes.

[MALA SAYS ISHTA SHOULDN'T GO, SHE WILL GO IN HER STEAD. OTHERS STEP FORWARD. ISHTA SUGGESTS THAT NESA IS OF AGE, BUT NEITH BLOWS HER COOL AND LEAVES WITH NESA.]

INT. GATE ROOM

[SAM AND JACK RETURN THROUGH THE GATE...]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

[...ALONG WITH THE FOUR VOLUNTEER JAFFA.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh. Well. Still, we take what squees we can get!

NOROMOS: Yeah, there was that whole split second alone... in front of the entire gate room staff.

BDSMERS: And people say *we're* the kinky ones. Well, we are, but that's beside the point.

[HAMMOND ASKS ABOUT DANIEL AND TEAL'C, AND SAM EXPLAINS THAT THE LEADER OF THE HAK'TYL WANTED TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE REBEL JAFFA. THEY PLAN TO SEND UPDATES ON THE TEST PROGRESS TO DANIEL VIA THE MALP.]

TEAL'C FANS: Oh, we think Ishta wants to learn about one rebel Jaffa in particular. In *great* detail.

EXT. HAK'TYL

[ISHTA ASKS IF TEAL'C LEFT BEHIND SOMEONE HE LOVED WHEN HE REBELLED AGAINST APOPHIS.]

HETSMUTTERS: Subtle.

[TEAL'C SAYS HIS SON IS NOW TRAVELING WITH HIS MENTOR, BRA'TAC.]

ISHTA: And what of his mother? Does she sit at home pining away for her hero?

HETSMUTTERS: Oh, so *very* subtle.

TEAL'C: She is dead.

ISHTA: I am sorry, Teal'c.

TEAL'C: You could not have known. She died last year when her symbiote matured and was unable to procure another.

ISHTA: I see.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON SIX: We didn't. We missed the funeral and everything.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVE SEEN SEASON SIX: Drey'auc didn't want anyone else to die just so she could live. Not that it has any bearing on Ishta, nope.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[MALA HAS BEGUN HER TRETONIN TREATMENT. JANET EXPLAINS MALA'S SYMBIOTE IS BEING SUSTAINED, WHILE THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND THE RIGHT LEVEL OF TRETONIN FOR HER. JANET LEAVES SAM AND MALA ALONE.]

FEMSLASHERS: [perk]

SAM: You're very brave.

MALA: Not so much as you think.

FEMSLASHERS: And an empire is born.

SAM/JANET FEMSLASHERS: We're pretty sure Janet could take Mala. The needles give her an advantage.

TRISMUTTERS: Oh, play nice. Mala/Sam/Janet could make *everyone* happy. OK, it'll make *us* happy.

EXT. HAK'TYL

[TEAL'C AND ISHTA ARE STILL WALKING AND TALKING. TEAL'C TELLS HER THAT THE REBELLION HE HELPED FUEL HAS CAUSED THE GOA'ULD TO MISTRUST THE JAFFA WITH THEIR YOUNG.]

ISHTA: You are making a point?

TEAL'C: I am speaking only of Drey'auc. She refused to take the life of another Jaffa, even to preserve her own, no matter what their beliefs may have been.

[ISHTA ASKS IF TEAL'C STILL LOVES HER, AND HE SAYS HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE IN HIS HEART FOR HER.]

TEAL'C FANS: Awwww. [sniff]

SLASHERS: All the guys have special places in their hearts for their former wives, and a strong accompanying need for comfort.

HETSMUTTERS: And Ishta is just the girl to step up.

SLASHERS: There's stepping involved for y'all? We need to compare notes.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

MALA: You are close to Colonel O'Neill.

SAM: Yeah, I like to think we have a special relationship.

NOROMOS: Oh geeze, here we go. Give us a chance to get our sick buckets. We drank too many margaritas to deal with this. Or was it not enough?

MALA: I hope to someday have a special relationship.

[DEAD SILENCE IN THE AUDIENCE.]

NOROMOS: Sorry, but the S/J Shippers and the Femslashers are having a little "debate" over who has the priority squee here. They'll get back with us in a moment.

SAM: Oh! No, no... it's not like that.

NOROMOS: Wait for it...

S/J SHIPPERS: Oh yes it *is* like that!

MALA: Like what?

SAM: W... we... we aren't, you know, I mean, we don't...

S/J SHIPPERS: Curse those regulations! Just wait until Jack retires and you can!

MALA: I was speaking of the mutual respect you share.

SAM: I knew that.

FEMSLASHERS: Suuuure you did. You don't even realize that Mala's hitting on you.

EXT. HAK'TYL

[TEAL'C AND ISHTA ARE STILL WALKING AND TALKING.]

HETSMUTTERS: Geeze, get a room, fer cryin' out loud.

[ISHTA TELLS HIM HOW HER HUSBAND WAS A WARRIOR IN MOLOC'S IMPERIAL GUARD. SHE WAS ONE WIFE OF MANY, BUT AS TEMPLE PRIESTESS, SHE WAS AFFORDED SOME LUXURIES. HER HUSBAND WAS KILLED IN BATTLE AGAINST A RIVAL GOA'ULD.]

HETSMUTTERS: OK, no living spouses. Will you get a room *now*? Please?

SLASHERS: Patience, young padawan. You have a fighting chance of seeing your pair in canon. Learn to savor the moment before it comes... and feel free to use the definition of "come" of your choice.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[MALA TELLS SAM THAT SHE WAS ONCE A TEMPLE HANDMAIDEN, AND FELL IN LOVE WITH A PALACE GUARD. MOLOC KILLED HER BELOVED AND SACRIFICED THEIR DAUGHTER IN FRONT OF HER.]

AUDIENCE: Um, while sad, why would Moloc allow her to live after that? Maybe Ishta smuggled her out before she could be executed?

WRITERS: Yeah, um, that's it. Happened offscreen. Moving right along...

EXT. HAK'TYL

[IN THE JAFFA CAMP, DANIEL IS WATCHING SEVERAL OF THE CHILDREN PLAYING, BUT NESA IS SITTING BY HERSELF.]

DANIEL: Are you okay?

NESA: My sister says I shouldn't talk to you.

DANIEL: You don't have to. I'll just sit here for a while. I'm Daniel.

[SHE LOOKS AT HIM WHILE HE LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD.]

DANIEL: I wasn't talking to you.

NESA: Who were you talking to then?

DANIEL: No one. So how are you?

NESA: I feel tired.

DANIEL: Who you talking to?

NESA: No one.

[DANIEL TRIES NOT TO SMILE, WHILE DANIEL FANS TRY NOT TO MELT INTO A PUDDLE OF GOO.]

NESA: What are those on your face?

DANIEL: Uh, they're called glasses. They help me see better.

NESA: Why would you need to see better?

DANIEL: Because my eyes don't see as well as they should.

NESA: How do they work?

[DANIEL TAKES HIS GLASSES OFF AND PUTS THEM ON NESA. SHE SAYS THEY MAKE YOUR SIGHT WORSE, BUT DANIEL EXPLAINS THEY WORK DIFFERENTLY FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE. NESA SAYS MAYBE HE NEEDS A SYMBIOTE, BUT DANIEL SAYS NO, HE'LL STICK WITH THE GLASSES.]

NESA: Neith does not want me to participate in your experiments.

DANIEL: I know.

NESA: Soon, I will require a symbiote.

DANIEL: You don't sound very happy about that.

NESA: I will become a great warrior like Neith.

DANIEL: You know, you can do that without a symbiote.

NESA: I can?

DANIEL: Mm-hm. but, uh, you didn't hear that from me.

INT. ISHTA'S HOME

[THE ROOM IS LIT BY CANDLELIGHT, AND APPARENTLY IT'S NOT FOR TEAL'C AND ISHTA TO KELNOREEM.]

HETSMUTTERS: 'Bout damn time. Anyone think to bring a video camera?

ISHTA: Have you nothing to say?

TEAL'C: I have spoken more in two days than I have in many years.

AUDIENCE: [snerk] Nice dig, Mr. Chris Judge.

ISHTA: And so you are done?

TEAL'C: Perhaps I should take my leave.

HETSMUTTERS: Noooooo! We don't ask for much, and we get even less, but please!

SLASHERS: At least you can ask!

ISHTA: Thoughts of your wife still linger. That's understandable. But she's been gone now for over a year. There is no sin in taking comfort in another lonely soul. If you wish.

HETSMUTTERS: We wish, we wish!

[TEAL'C AND ISHTA KISS, AS THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK.]

HETSMUTTERS: That's all we get? Missing scene! Missing scene!

SLASHERS: And the clue train pulls into the station.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[MALA'S NOT DOING WELL. THEY'RE CONTINUING TO INCREASE HER TRETONIN LEVEL, BUT SHE'S ALREADY AT DOUBLE THE DOSE THAT'S WORKING FOR THE OTHERS. JANET TELLS SAM THERE WAS NO GUARANTEE, AND AN 80% SUCCESS RATE ISN'T BAD.]

INT. BUILDING ON HAK'TYL

[DANIEL IS ASLEEP ON A BED.]

DANIEL FANS: Butt shot! With a side of Arm Porn! Bless the director and whoever else was a part of this precious bit of Fan Service. We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

[DANIEL WAKES TO THE SOUND OF A CHARGED STAFF WEAPON POINTED AT HIS HEAD.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, please. As if the threat of Death means anything to Daniel at this point.

DANIEL: Morning.

DANIEL FANS: Mmmmm. Bed head. [thunk]

NEITH: You had no right to speak to her!

DANIEL: I'm sorry.

DANIEL FANS: Not.

NEITH: I saved her from her birthright and it will be the symbiote I procure that will save her once again. I have already lost two sisters and I will not lose another one.

[NEITH SAYS ISHTA WAS ABLE TO SAVE HER, BUT NOT THE NEXT TWO GIRLS SIRED BY HER FATHER. HER FATHER FOUND OUT HOW SHE AND ISHTA SAVED NESA FROM THE FIRE, SO SHE HAD TO KILL HIM TO ESCAPE. DANIEL ASKS IF SHE WANTS TO GIVE NESA A CHANCE TO LIVE FREE OF THE GOA'ULD, BUT NEITH SAYS NOT HIS WAY AND LEAVES.]

AUDIENCE: Um... if Ishta saved Neith, how could Neith even been seen by her father without him figuring out what was going on?

WRITERS: Say it with us...

AUDIENCE: Offscreen.

WRITERS: Now you're getting it!

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[MALA IS IN AN ISOLATION ROOM. SAM IS STANDING NEXT TO HER BED, WEARING A HOSPITAL MASK.]

MALA: You have moved me away from the others because you did not wish to frighten them.

SAM: The truth is, you're not doing so well. You're more susceptible to infection in your condition.

MALA: How are the others responding to treatment?

SAM: Good. Very good.

[MALA'S EYES CLOSE AND SHE BEGINS WHEEZING AS ALARMS GO OFF. JANET COMES IN, AND SAYS THEY NEED TO PUT HER SYMBIOTE BACK IN TO SAVE HER LIFE. MALA TELLS SAM NOT TO DO IT, THAT IF SHE CONTINUES TO CARRY A GOA'ULD, SHE'S AS GOOD AS DEAD. MALA LOSES CONSCIOUSNESS.]

EXT. HAK'TYL

[NEITH HAS GATHERED THE JAFFA WOMEN TOGETHER TO ANNOUNCE SHE'S CHALLENGING ISHTA.]

NEITH: She is no longer fit to lead us. She consorts with Teal'c. Her judgment has been clouded.

TEAL'C FANS: Clouded? Well, that's certainly a different way to put it.

NEITH: Even if the tretonin works, it merely places our dependences on the humans of Tau'ri.

JAFFA WOMAN: Whom you also do not trust.

NEITH: Who is to say their intentions are pure? Their leaders are men. They wish to sap our strength with this drug.

JAFFA WOMAN: We are safe here at the moment. But if Moloc ever learned that we were behind the raids on his Jaffa...

NEITH: Our freedom lies in dominance over the Goa'uld. We must fight so that we may use their symbiotes to our advantage. Only then will we control our own destiny. I wish to know... if I am to challenge Ishta's leadership, who will follow me?

[ANOTHER JAFFA WOMAN JOINS THE GROUP, TELLING NEITH THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH NESA.]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JANET PUTS MALA'S SYMBIOTE BACK IN. MALA STARTS CONVULSING IN A FEW MOMENTS, WHILE JANET TRIES TO RESUSCITATE HER.]

INT. DWELLING ON HAK'TYL

[NEITH IS VISITING NESA, WHO IS SICK IN BED. SHE TELLS HER TO BE STRONG, THEN LEAVES TO GO TRY TO KICK ISHTA'S ASS.]

EXT. HAK'TYL

[MANY OF THE WOMEN RUNNING PAST TEAL'C AND DANIEL]

TEAL'C: What is happening?

AUDIENCE: There's a sale down at the leather store. Don't stand in their way!

[THEY'RE ON THEIR WAY TO SEE NEITH'S CHALLENGE TO ISHTA. AS THE GUYS RUN TOWARDS THE FIGHT, SAM CONTACTS DANIEL ON THE RADIO AND TELLS HIM ABOUT MALA.]

EXT. FIGHT CLUB OF HAK'TYL

[FIGHTY FIGHT FIGHT. ISHTA HAS NEITH DOWN, WITH A CHARGED STAFF WEAPON POINTED AT HER HEAD. TEAL'C ARRIVES ON THE SCENE, AND SAYS IT'S ISHTA'S RIGHT TO GRANT MERCY. DANIEL ARRIVES ON THE SCENE, OUT OF BREATH FROM RUNNING.]

DANIEL FANS: Hot. Sweaty. Out of breath.

SLASHERS: Oh, yeah. We're right there with ya. We're picturing the inevitable missing scene in the SGC showers.

DANIEL: Look, I know this is not a good time for this, there never really is for something like this...

ISHTA: Speak!

DANIEL: Mala's dead.

BDSMERS: Oh, he follows orders so very nicely.

[DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT THE TRETONIN WASN'T WORKING, BUT THE OTHER WOMEN ARE FINE.]

NEITH See what your weakness had brought? Nesa is in need of a symbiote!

ISHTA: And she shall have one.

AUDIENCE: But... but... the other volunteers are fine! Doesn't that mean something?

WRITERS: Oh, you know women, always ruled by their emotions.

FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE: [sharpening knives]

[ISHTA HELPS NEITH STAND, AND THEY BEGIN TO LEAVE, BUT TEAL'C BLOCKS THE WAY. HE SAYS MOLOC WILL NOT ALLOW THEM TO CONTINUE THEIR RAIDS, BUT ISHTA SAYS THERE'S NO OTHER CHOICE. SHE DEMANDS THE RETURN OF THE OTHERS, OR SHE WILL SACRIFICE TEAL'C AND DANIEL.]

INT. DWELLING ON HAK'TYL

[DANIEL AND TEAL'C ARE BEING HELD PRISONER.]

BDSMERS: What?! No restraints whatsoever! [pout]

SLASHERS: Use your imagination and work with what you've got!

BDSMERS: [imagining] Oh, yes... much better!

DANIEL: Look, I know you want to stop Ishta and the gang, but even if we could get out of here, we don't know where they went.

[A JAFFA WOMAN RETRIEVES THEM FROM THE DWELLING AND TAKES THEM TO NESA'S DWELLING.]

NESA: I do not wish for someone else to die so that I might live. I do not want to take a symbiote.

[DANIEL SITS ON THE EDGE OF HER BED AND ASKS IF SHE'S TALKED TO HER SISTER.]

NESA: She would not listen. It is my right to decide, is it not?

DANIEL: I'm not sure. It should be.

[NESA ASKED WHAT HAPPENED TO MALA. HE SAYS THEY DON'T KNOW, BUT IT APPEARS TO PARTLY BE A REACTION TO HER OWN SYMBIOTE. SINCE NESA HAS NEVER HAD ONE, SHE SHOULDN'T BE AFFECTED. NESA SAYS SHE WANTS TO TRY IT. TEAL'C ASKS WHERE ISHTA AND NEITH HAVE GONE, AND THE JAFFA WOMAN SAYS SHE KNOWS.]

EXT. SOMEWHERE

[IN THE AFTERMATH OF A BATTLE, NEITH, ISTHA AND OTHER JAFFA WOMEN ARE COLLECTING WEAPONS AND SYMBIOTES. AS ISHTA IS ABOUT TO REMOVE A SYMBIOTE, THE JAFFA SPEAKS.]

MALE JAFFA: Shel kek nem ron.

[ISHTA STOPS, AND NEITH ASKS WHAT'S WRONG.]

ISHTA: This Jaffa has the same wish for freedom as do we.

TREKKERS: So, logically, one should not kill him. [beam]

AUDIENCE: She isn't going to pinch anyone's neck. Let it go.

NEITH: Then he should not have fought along side those who follow Moloc.

[AS THEY ARGUE, A MALE JAFFA REGAINS CONSCIOUSNESS.]

ISHTA: How many others that might have been our allies have we killed this day?

NEITH: I'll do it myself.

[THE JAFFA BEHIND THEM HITS NEITH WITH A STAFF BLAST AS SHE'S ABOUT TO CUT OUT THE SYMBIOTE. ISHTA RAISES A WEAPON TO FIRE BACK, BUT TEAL'C SHOOTS HIM AS HE AND DANIEL ARRIVE ON THE SCENE.]

ISHTA: She is severely wounded. Her symbiote is damaged as well.

[ISHTA TAKES THE KNIFE AND IS ABOUT TO USE IT AGAINST THE WOUNDED JAFFA WHEN TEAL'C GRABS HER HAND.]

TEAL'C: Ishta, you have a choice.

ISHTA: [wild eyed look]

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JANET SAYS IT'S NOW OR NEVER TO USE THE TRETONIN. ISHTA TELLS NEITH HER SYMBIOTE IS DYING AND NEITH SAYS SHE MUST GET ANOTHER. ISHTA SAYS THOSE DAYS ARE OVER. NEITH IGNORES HER, AS DANIEL AND NESA ENTER THE ROOM.]

NEITH: You betrayed me.

NESA: No, you betray me. Since before I can remember, you have taught me to believe in our freedom. You said you would do anything so that you might protect me. One day, I will be a great warrior like you. But I am not yet. I still need you. I have chosen to live free. You must choose to take the tretonin, if you are to continue to teach and protect me. Please, I do not wish you to die.

[NESA GIVES NEITH A HUG.]

AUDIENCE: Awwwwwwwwww. Anyone else going into a sugar coma?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's work here is done. We'll have the fluffy towels ready in the shower room.

INT. GATEROOM

[NEITH, NESA, ISHTA AND ANOTHER FEMALE JAFFA ARE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RAMP AS THE GATE DIALS.]

NESA (to Daniel): Will you come and visit?

DANIEL: Yes, of course.

NEITH: My sister's developed quite an affection for you.

NESA (embarrassed): Neith.

DANIEL FANS: Don't *ever* be embarrassed about liking Daniel. It just shows you've got good taste.

ISHTA: We are grateful to our new friends. On behalf of the Hak'tyl, I'd like to express our thanks.

[SAM SAYS MEDICAL TEAMS WILL BE CHECKING WITH THEM REGULARLY. ISHTA THANKS THEM FOR THE FOOD AND SUPPLIES, AND JACK SAYS IF THERE'S ANYTHING ELSE THEY NEED, JUST LET THEM KNOW. BUT ONCE AGAIN ISHTA IGNORES JACK'S COSMIC GIDDINESS (TM) IN FAVOR OF TEAL'C.]

ISHTA: Just that not too many moons go by before we see you again?

JACK: Don't worry I'm sure we'll be in...

[JACK STOPS TALKING AS TEAL'C AND ISHTA ATTEMPT TO SUCK OUT EACH OTHER'S TONSILS.]

TEAL'C FANS: Speaking of good taste...

JACK: ...touch?

AUDIENCE: Looks like they've got that covered, Jacko.

TRISMUTTERS: Hey, waitaminute...

NOROMOS: No. Just no.

[SAM AND DANIEL TAKE THE HINT AND LEAVE. NEITH AND NESA START UP THE RAMP. JACK TAKES A FINAL LOOK AT TEAL'C AND ISHTA, AS SHE PULLS AWAY FROM TEAL'C AND GOES UP THE RAMP. SHE STOPS HALFWAY UP THE RAMP AND GIVES HIM A LITTLE BOW, AS HE CONTINUES TO WATCH EVEN AFTER SHE'S GONE.]

SLASHERS: Meanwhile, Jack goes in search of Daniel, to give us our missing scene in the shower.

DANIEL FANS: We've still got the warm fluffy towels. And the massage oil. Can't forget that.

JACK FANS: We'll help!

SLASHERS: Yeah, that massage oil will be *very* useful.

S/J SHIPPERS: Nuh-uh. He's going in search of Sam, so they can share Looks of Luv (TM) and angst about not being able to boff like bunnies due to the regs.

NOROMOS: Whatever. Fic your little hearts out, and leave us out of it. Bartender! Another round!

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, INDIANA JACKSON AND THE QUEST FOR THE TEMPLE OF WHUMPAGE.
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