7.08 Space Race by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Space Race, with audience partcipation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended, though the lawyers for Paramount and Lucasfilm may be disagreeing with Bridge on this point. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...

The Stargate and the writers are apparently in a contract dispute. As a result, the writers are going out of their way not to use the gate, just to show the uppity bitch she's not needed.

DANIEL FANS: Hey, Gate, have your people call our people. We might can help.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

INT. SGC

[SAM EXITS THE ELEVATOR, WEARING LEATHER PANTS AND JACKET, A T-SHIRT, AND CARRYING A MOTORCYCLE HELMET.]

AUDIENCE: Um. What the hell? Did Sam trade in her Volvo for a motorcycle to get to work?

WRITERS: It's character development. OK, moving right along...

LEATHER LOVIN' FEMSLASHERS: [thud]

BDSMERS: And just where has Sam been, hmmmm?

[SAM ENTERS THE BRIEFING ROOM.]

SAM: Sorry, I haven't changed, sir. The message said it was urgent.

[HAMMOND, DANIEL AND AN ALIEN VISITOR ARE IN THE ROOM.]

WARRICK: Hello, again, Major Carter.

SAM: Warrick.

WARRICK: It's good to see you again.

AUDIENCE WHO HASN'T SEEN SEASON SIX: Who the hell is this guy? And is there any reason why we should give a rat's hairy ass?

AUDIENCE WHO HAS SEEN SEASON SIX: He's making eyes at Sam! Dead man eyeing!

WRITERS: We so don't do that anymore. [perfectly straight faces] It's a cliche!

WARRICK: When last we spoke, you strongly reiterated your desire to gain access to Serrakin technology.

SAM: Yes, of course.

AUDIENCE: Yes, the writers are on a quest to find new ways to blow shit up.

WARRICK: Unfortunately, diplomacy between our respective leadership has been slow to develop.

SAM: I'm sure they're just being cautious.

AUDIENCE: Translation: They're politicians looking after their own agendas. Much like the writers.

[WARRICK SAYS HE'S THERE TO OFFER FULL ACCESS TO THE ION PROPULSION ENGINES ON HIS SHIP. SAM TRIES NOT TO DROOL UNCONTROLLABLY AND BEGINS TO TELL HAMMOND HOW GREAT THIS IS.]

HAMMOND: I've read your report. Please. No more. I can't take any more technobabble.

WARRICK: In return, I would like your help... to win a race.

AUDIENCE: A race? And this has what exactly to do with the Big Round Thing that flushes sideways?

STARGATE: You rang?

WRITERS: We have no idea what you're talking about.

AUDIENCE: Kinda noticed.

STARGATE: They're being complete bastards, aren't they?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND, DANIEL, SAM AND WARRICK ARE SITTING AT THE CONFERENCE TABLE. WARRICK EXPLAINS THE RACE IS A WAY TO DETERMINE THE WINNER OF A LUCRATIVE CONTRACT WITH A CORPORATION KNOWN AS THE TECH CON GROUP. THERE ARE FEW RULES, EXCEPT THE WINNING SHIP MUST ARRIVE FIRST AND INTACT. DANIEL ASKS ABOUT WARRICK'S GOVERNMENT SHARING TECHNOLOGY TO WIN A RACE, BUT WARRICK ADMITS THEY'RE ONLY THERE AS DIPLOMATIC VISITORS. BUT IF THEY LEARN SOMETHING WHILE THEY'RE THERE, IT'S NOT HIS PROBLEM. WHAT HE REALLY WANTS IS A NAQUADAH GENERATOR FOR HIS SHIP.]

SAM: I'd like to participate.

[HAMMOND AND DANIEL LOOK SURPRISED, BUT WARRICK IS DOWNRIGHT SHOCKED.]

WARRICK: Well, actually, I was not asking you to join me.

SAM: Well, why not? I'll have to interface the generator.

WARRICK: Could you not just show me?

NOROMOS: Yeah, Sam, don't you have enough ship to deal with anyway?

[SAM SAYS THE GENERATORS ARE TOO VALUABLE AND THEY WON'T LET ONE OUT OF THEIR SIGHT, AND SHE COULD HELP IF THERE WERE PROBLEMS DURING THE RACE. WARRICK WARNS HER THE RACE IS DANGEROUS, BUT SHE SCOFFS AT THE RISK. WARRICK SAYS HE WOULD ACCEPT HER HELP, THEN SAM ASKS FOR HAMMOND'S APPROVAL.]

AUDIENCE: Looks like you had the cart before the horse there, Sam.

LATER...

[DANIEL STOPS BY SAM'S LAB AS SHE'S PACKING. HE SAYS WARRICK HAS SET UP MEETINGS WITH MEMBERS OF THE HEBRIDIAN GOVERNMENT AND BUSINESS COMMUNITY.]

SAM: Bet Colonel O'Neill's really looking forward to that.

NOROMOS: Jack's probably looking forward to it to get away from Sam's inappropriate crush on him.

SHIPPERS: It's not inappropriate, it's just that the Air Force regs haven't recognized the power of Twu Luv.

SLASHERS: Yeah, that "Don't ask, don't tell" rule is a real bitch, isn't it?

DANIEL: Oh, yeah. You really think this is worth it?

SAM: Absolutely. Why, don't you?

DANIEL: No. Yeah, I just... you just seem unusually... gung-ho.

SAM: Gung-ho?

AUDIENCE: We were thinking "speed freak from left field," but gung-ho will suffice.

DANIEL: This is kinda more than about attaining new technology for you, isn't it?

[SAM BABBLES ON ABOUT IT BEING DANGEROUS, BUT IT'S HER JOB. AND IF PARTICIPATING IN THE RACE HAPPENS TO BE...]

DANIEL: Fun?

SAM: What's a girl to do?

NOROMOS: Quit pining after her boss and making an absolute fool of herself?

DANIEL: Nothing. That's just what I thought.

NOROMOS: See? Daniel agrees with us!

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR A REALLY ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

HADRAIG: I'm Ardal Hadraig and welcome back to TCNN's exclusive coverage of the 59th Loop of Kon Garat. Now, with the loop set to begin tomorrow morning, we have a startling new development to report. Perennial also-ran, Warrick Finn announced today that his co-pilot will be a human from the planet we've come to know as Earth. Major Samantha Carter's participation will mark the first inclusion of an alien in Loop history.

[SCREEN CUTS TO A PICTURE OF WARRICK, THEN SAM, THEN A FIVE MAN VERSION OF SG-1, WHICH INCLUDES BOTH DANIEL *AND* JONAS.]

JONAS FANS: Um. Daniel wasn't there before.

DANIEL FANS: And Jonas shouldn't have been there before, or now.

[THE TWO GROUPS BEGIN A STARE DOWN, UNTIL BOUNCERS HIRED BY THE NOROMOS STEP FORWARD MENACINGLY. MISCHIEF MANAGED.]

JONAS FANS AND DANIEL FANS: We'll be good.

NOROMOS: We should have thought of this *ages* ago!

[HADRAIG CONTINUES DISCUSSING THE RACE, INCLUDING A PROMO FOR TECH CON ULTRA SPORT BEVERAGE. WHEN YOU'VE GOT AN ULTRA BIG THIRST TO QUENCH, ONLY TECH CON ULTRA SPORT WILL DO.]

AUDIENCE: [gag]

INT. HANGER

[WARRICK AND SG-1 EXIT HIS SHIP, THE SEBERUS, AND LEADS THEM TO MEET SOMEONE.]

WARRICK: May I introduce you all to Eamon? He is responsible for making the Seberus what it is today. And he is my younger brother.

[JACK GOES FOR COSMIC GIDDINESS (TM) AND FALLS WAY SHORT. EAMON IS PISSED THAT WARRICK BROUGHT IN HELP.]

EAMON: I am honored to meet my brother's saviors. And you must be Major Carter. The one without whom we could not win the Loop.

AUDIENCE: Ouch. Meow. Hiss.

JACK: You know, I feel all warm and fuzzy... [turning to Daniel] How 'bout you?

SLASHERS: Let the *real* story begin!

[WARRICK GIVE SAM AN OPERATIONS MANUAL FOR THE SEBERUS, WHICH HE'S HAD TRANSLATED FOR HER.]

JACK: That's not our language.

SAM: It's mine, sir.

JACK: Right.

AUDIENCE: Let's see if we understand this. Jack's been in special ops, is a pilot, an amateur astronomer, has been in charge of the lead team at the SGC for seven years, and has to have a degree to hold the rank he has, but he's fricking dumb as a post now?

WRITERS: Character development.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, right. More like the Asgard pulled out the Ancient's library and sucked out too much.

[WARRICK SAYS HE'S GOING TO ESCORT JACK, DANIEL AND TEAL'C TO THE HEBRIDAN CAPITAL BUILDING.]

JACK: T, you coming?

TEAL'C: Major Carter has requested that I remain so that I may assist her.

[SAM AND JACK LOOK SURPRISED.]

JACK: She did?

SAM: I did?

TEAL'C: Indeed.

SAM: Right... yes, thank you.

TEAL'C: I do not wish to disappoint Major Carter.

JACK: Yes, I know the feeling.

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

S/T SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Do two squees cancel each other out?

[DANIEL AND JACK LEAVE, OBVIOUSLY PISSED THAT TEAL'C FIGURED OUT HOW TO GET OUT OF A BORING TRIP, BUT THE SLASHERS ARE PRETTY SURE THEY KNOW HOW TO LIVEN THINGS UP.]

J/D SLASHERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Make it STOP! Where the hell are the bouncers we hired?

JONAS FANS AND DANIEL FANS: We decided to be bad. The bouncers liked it.

NOROMOS: [banging heads against the wall]

TEAL'C: I am in your debt, Major Carter.

SAM: Indeed.

S/T SHIPPERS: We have *so* many ideas for payback. With interest.

LATER...

[SAM'S INSTALLING THE GENERATOR, AND COMMENTS THAT SHE'S SURPRISED THEY DON'T HAVE A POWER SOURCE OF THEIR OWN THAT WOULD WORK. EAMON SAYS THEY EXIST, BUT THEY CAN'T AFFORD THEM. HE EXPLAINS WARRICK IS DESPERATE TO WIN, THAT HE WAS GONE SO LONG THAT HIS WIFE REMARRIED AND HAD CHILDREN, SO HE THINKS WINNING THE RACE IS HIS CHANCE TO GET HIS LIFE BACK.]

NOROMOS: Getting a life... there's a concept!

SAM: What about you?

EAMON: Me? Well, I work for Tech Con. I design garbage disposal units for the food service division. Need I say more?

SAM: No.

AUDIENCE: Please. No.

[WARRICK RETURNS, AND TELLS THEM THE RACE DATA HAS BEEN TRANSMITTED. THEY GO OUTSIDE THE SHIP TO WATCH ON A MONITOR.]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR ANOTHER REALLY ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

ANNOUNCER: Tech Con Group - Progress and people, working in total harmony.

AUDIENCE: They're serious about this crap, aren't they?

HAGAN: I'm Miles Hagan, president of the Tech Con Group. I wish to welcome you as an official contestant to the Loop of Kon Garat. Congratulations on qualifying.

[HAGAN GOES ON TO DESCRIBE THE RACE, WHICH IS APPARENTLY AS BORING TO EAMON AS IT IS TO THE AUDIENCE. WARRICK FAST FORWARDS THE TRANSMISSION.]

AUDIENCE: You know a device like that could come in handy for those of use who want to edit out certain annoying scenes and/or characters.

TIVO OWNERS: Welcome to the TIVOlution!

HAGAN: Let's meet your fellow pilots, shall we?

AUDIENCE: [whine] Do we have to?

[EAMON AND WARRICK CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION, TELLING SAM AND TEAL'C ABOUT THEM.]

LATER...

[WARRICK'S TRYING TO GET SOME PARTS.]

TAUPEN: Hello, Warrick. Who's your friend?

SAM: Hi. Major Samantha Carter.

TAUPEN: Ah. One of the Earthlings. I heard about you.

NOROMOS: What exactly have you heard? We've been hearing things too.

[TAUPEN TELLS WARRICK HIS CREDIT HAS BEEN MAXED OUT FOR SIX MONTHS. WARRICK SAYS HIS BEST CHANCE TO PAY HIM BACK IS TO WIN THE RACE. TAUPEN RELENTS AND OFFERS A RECONDITIONED UNIT.]

WARRICK: I will take it. Thank you. I promise, I will settle up things after...

JARLATH: After you lose. You don't think he's good for it, do you? He doesn't stand a chance of winning the Loop.

[WARRICK AND JARLATH TRADE VERBAL JABS, JARLATH HITS ON SAM, THE AUDIENCE ROLLS THEIR EYES AND WONDERS IF JARLATH HAS A TRICKED OUT SPACESHIP OUT IN THE PARKING LOT, COMPLETE WITH NEON RUNNING LIGHTS.]

INT. HANGER

[TEAL'C AND EAMON ARE WORKING ON THE SHIP, BUT TAKE A BREAK TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. AS THEY LEAVE, A MAN IN A BLUE SUIT CARRYING SOMETHING APPROACHES THE SEBERUS.]

AUDIENCE: Duh duh dun! [snooze]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR YET ANOTHER REALLY ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

HADRAIG: And with the Loop set to begin only minutes from now, I'm joined by race expert and two-time champion, Coyle Boron. Coyle, what's going through the pilot's minds right now?

AUDIENCE: Who cares? We're about to go into a coma to see if we can hallucinate something more interesting.

[THE TWO CONTINUE PRATTLING ON ABOUT THE RACE AND THE COMPETITORS.]

HADRAIG: Now, what about Warrick and the Human woman? Any potential for an upset there?

NOROMOS: Don't tell us even aliens are picking up on shippy opportunities for Sam?

BORON: They don't stand a chance.

NOROMOS: Whew.

THIS YET ANOTHER REALLY ANNOYING NEWSFLASH BROUGHT TO YOU BY TECH CON GAMING KIOSKS - IF YOU DON'T PLAY, YOU DEFINITELY WON'T WIN.

INT. SEBERUS

[SAM AND WARRICK ARE PREPARING FOR THE RACE. SAM TELLS HIM THAT EVEN A GOOD LOOK AT THE ION DRIVE WON'T BE ENOUGH, THEY NEED ONE OF THE COMPRESSION COILS. HE SAYS IF THEY WIN, HE'LL BUY HER ONE.]

FLIGHT CONTROL (via com): Prepare for race start. All pilots check in now. Somebody wake up the audience.

[JARLATH CONTACTS THEM, DOING THE STANDARD BIG BULLY TAUNTING.]

WARRICK: Eat greeven, Jarlath.

JARLATH: You piece of...

AUDIENCE: Well, at least the writers didn't try to work in the phrase "bantha poodoo" in there somewhere.

WRITERS: We tried, it's copyrighted.

AUDIENCE: When has that stopped you before?

WRITERS: It's harder to homage specific words instead of entire plots. Besides Lucasfilms' lawyers are really scary.

WARRICK: Ready or not... here... we... go...

AUDIENCE: Yippee. [snore]

[EAMON AND TEAL'C WATCH THE RACE BACK AT THE HANGER, AS THE SHIP GOES THROUGH A MINEFIELD TO TEST THEIR DEFENSE CAPABILITIES. THE MINES START FIRING AT THE SHIPS.]

NOROMOS: We might have an offer to make on an anti-ship weapon.

[THE WRITERS HOMAGE FROM STAR TREK AS THE VARIOUS PILOTS DEAL WITH THEIR SHIELD SYSTEMS. APPARENTLY THEY THINK PARAMOUNT'S LAWYERS AREN'T AS SCARY, OR THE HOMAGE IS GENERIC ENOUGH FOR THEM NOT TO NOTICE.]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR ANOTHER FRELLING ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

HADRAIG: And we've got stage two coming up fast.

BORON: That would be the coronasphere, Ardal. Because it's made up of ionized gases, you're basically flying through a thick layer of translucent plasma.

HADRAIG: Wow... sounds hot.

AUDIENCE: Is Jack's Cosmic Giddiness (tm) contagious?

[BORING, ER, BORON, AND HADRAIG DISCUSS HOW THIS PART OF THE RACE INVOLVES TESTING THE SHIELDS. IF THEY FAIL, THEY'RE VAPOR.]

AUDIENCE: Much like the plot in this ep.

HADRAIG: Interesting... in a horrifying sense. If you have a loved one who's close to death, don't delay, contact Tech Con Group Funeral Services today and make your loved one's farewell memorable beyond words. Tech Con Group Funeral Services: Helping you make peace with death.

AUDIENCE: Hello, Tech Con Group Funeral Services? We were wondering if you have a group discount. Definitely a go on two sportscasters, but if the discount is worth it, we might have a few writers to add to the list.

BACK TO THE SHIP...

NOROMOS: Aaaahhhh!

AUDIENCE: Not that ship.

NOROMOS: Oh. Sorry, we're extra sensitive.

[SPARKS FLY OUT OF A PART, AND THE SEBERUS BEGINS LOSING POWER. SAM MANAGES TO GET A MESSAGE TO TEAL'C AND EAMON, TELLING THEM THEIR ENGINES ARE FAILING.]

EAMON: They've lost all primary power. They're in trouble.

AUDIENCE: No! Really? Never would have guessed.

[THE AUXILIARY POWER WON'T ENGAGE, SO THEY'RE DOWN TO EMERGENCY POWER. WARRICK RAISES THE BLAST SHIELDS OVER THE WINDOWS TO BLOCK THE RADIATION. WARRICK DETERMINES THE POWER DIVERTER OVERLOADED. EAMON SAYS IT'S NOT POSSIBLE BECAUSE HE RAN A FULL DIAGNOSTIC BEFORE THE RACE. WARRICK THINKS IT WAS SABOTAGE.]

AUDIENCE: Smart boy, ain't he?

SAM FANS: All you people who keep kvetching about "Super!Sam?" Let the record show she didn't notice. Nyeah!

[EAMON COMES UP WITH A WAY TO BYPASS THE DIVERTER, SAM AND WARRICK GET TO WORK BEFORE THEY GET A SUNTAN THE HARD WAY.]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR ANOTHER PIECE OF DREN NEWSFLASH

HADRAIG: Well, it sounds like maybe they could use a couple of bottles of Radon Shield 55 - new from Tech Con Cosmetics. Radon Shield 55 protects you and your whole family from the intense radiation of the sun. Day in, day out, Radon Shield 55 keeps your fun factor up and your lesion count down. Available at quality Tech Con Family Outlets everywhere.

AUDIENCE: Hey Hadraig, wanna test out how well it works when we toss you and your partner into the sun? Who needs Tech Con Funeral Services, when you can have a do-it-yourself cremation?

INT. HANGER

[EAMON AND TEAL'C ARE MONITORING THE SITUATION, AND TALKING ABOUT HOW THE SHIP COULD HAVE BEEN SABOTAGED. EAMON SAYS THE SHIP IS A COMMON MODEL, BUT HIGHLY CUSTOMIZED. NO ONE COULD HAVE DONE THIS TYPE OF DAMAGE UNTIL THEY ACCESSED HIS SCHEMATICS ON HIS COMPUTER AT TECH CON.]

AUDIENCE: Tsk, tsk, doing personal stuff on work time.

[ON THE SEBERUS, WARRICK AND SAM FIX THE SHIP. BACK IN THE HANGER, EAMON DISCOVERS SOMEONE DID ACCESS HIS COMPUTER.]

TEAL'C: Who?

EAMON: His name is Del Tynan. He's my supervisor. I can't tell exactly what he got. If we're going to prove anything, we need to go to Tech Con. They won't let you in without clearance. You'll need a hat.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we're sure a hat will allow Teal'c to just blend right in with the locals.

INT. SEBERUS

[SAM SAYS THREE MORE SHIPS HAVE DROPPED OUT OF THE RACE, AND THEY'VE FALLEN BEHIND. WARRICK SAYS THEY CAN DROP OUT NOW IF SHE WANTS. THE COMMUNICATION CONSOLE BEEPS.]

JACK (via com): Carter? You there?

SAM: Colonel, sir.

SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Nope, we planned ahead this time. We had earplugs in.

[JACK IS IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, AND YOU CAN SEE DANIEL IN THE BACKGROUND.]

SLASHERS: Oh, there's a few plot bunnies hopping around there, shagging like mad. Just what exactly *have* they been doing with their free time?

[DANIEL SAYS THEY'VE MADE A DEAL TO BRING A STARGATE TO THEIR WORLD, AND IN EXCHANGE, THEY GET AN ION DRIVE TO STUDY. JACK SAYS SHE DOESN'T NEED TO TAKE CHANCES, BUT SAM MADE A DEAL AND IS GOING TO STICK TO IT.]

NOROMOS: Looks like she's sticking with her deal with Warrick better than to the oath she made to the Air Force.

JACK: Oh, having fun are we, Carter?

SAM: Uhm... gotta go. We're pretty far behind at this point.

JACK: All right. Be careful.

SHIPPERS: Awwwww, he cares!

AUDIENCE: He'd say the same to any other member of his team, it doesn't mean anything.

SHIPPERS: Yes it does! They've in love!

[SAM HAS ANOTHER STAR TREK MOMENT (TM) AND SUGGESTS USING THE GRAVITY OF THE SUN TO SLINGSHOT BACK ONTO THE COURSE.]

AUDIENCE: If she reverses the polarity on ANYTHING, we're outtie.

WRITERS: Say it with us: HOMAGE.

AUDIENCE: Say it with us: BITE US.

INT. TECH CON BUILDING

[TEAL'C AND EAMON APPROACH THE FRONT DESK, BOTH ARE WEARING IDENTICAL OUTFITS WITH HATS.]

AUDIENCE: [snicker] They look like bellboys!

[EAMON TELLS THE RECEPTIONIST THAT TEAL'C IS HIS COUSIN TWICE REMOVED, AND TEAL'C USES HIS PSEUDONYM "MURRAY" AGAIN. EAMON SAYS HE FORGOT A DATA UNIT IN HIS OFFICE. AS THEY LEAVE, THE RECEPTIONIST REMINDS THEM THEY HAVE TO SCAN IN, AND THEY EACH PLACE THEIR HAND OVER A SCANNING DEVICE. THEY THEN GO TO TYNAN'S OFFICE.]

TEAL'C: Does he not keep his office secure?

EAMON: The company philosophy encourages mutual trust.

AUDIENCE: This is the first time we've seen any real alien behavior, instead of the "aliens" acting like paranoid Americans.

[THEY GO INSIDE THE OFFICE, AND EAMON ACCESSES TYNAN'S COMPUTER.]

INT. SEBERUS

[SAM AND WARRICK HEAR A DISTRESS CALL.]

COMPUTER (over com): This is an automated distress signal. The following pilot...

JARLATH (over com): Jarlath.

COMPUTER (over com): ...is in need of assistance. Current status is...

JARLATH (over com): Die, you rotting scrap of jetsam!

AUDIENCE: He's been reading "How to Make Friends and Influence People," hasn't he?

INT. TYNAN'S OFFICE

[EAMON DISCOVERS THAT TYNAN HAS SCHEMATICS FOR ALL THE SHIPS IN THE RACE. BUT ONE SHIP HAS BEEN OUTFITTED WITH PROTOTYPE BOOSTERS FROM TECH CON THAT NO PRIVATE-SECTOR PILOT SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET.]

TEAL'C: To whom does that ship belong?

NOROMOS: [whimper]

AUDIENCE: Oh, settle down, you wienies!

NOROMOS: Can't help it! We've overdosed on shippy moments.

EAMON: Muirios. Tynan has set him up to win. We have to warn Warrick.

[TYNAN AND TWO OTHERS ENTERS THE ROOM.]

TYNAN: I don't think so.

AUDIENCE: He doesn't really have the right type of mustache to twirl it, but it's there in spirit.

INT. SEBERUS

[THEY'VE ANSWERED JARLATH'S DISTRESS CALL. JARLATH'S NOT TOO HAPPY ABOUT THE SOURCE OF HELP.]

JARLATH: I would rather die kissing space debris than board that barge you call a ship!

AUDIENCE: We can arrange that.

[THEY MANEUVER TO JARLATH'S SHIP, AND EXTEND AN AIRLOCK. THEY OPEN THE HATCH AND LOOK DOWN TO SEE JARLATH ON THE OTHER END, BUT HE'S REFUSING TO COME ONTO THEIR SHIP. WARRICK TRIES TO CLOSE THE HATCH, BUT SAM STOPS HIM. SAM TELLS JARLATH TO COME ON, AND HE FINALLY COMPLIES.]

AUDIENCE: Of course all it took was for *Sam* to tell him. All men must fall at her feet and do whatever she says.

WRITERS: You've *finally* figured out the theme of the entire show!

JARLATH: You don't think you can still win, do you?

WARRICK: We are only this far behind because we were sabotaged.

JARLATH: A likely excuse. So was I, by the way.

AUDIENCE: Can they put him back in the airlock and vent it? This guy is tres annoying.

[JARLATH SAYS THE DRONES DIDN'T CAUSE THE LEAK, HE WAS NEVER HIT. SAM WONDERS IF THE WHOLE RACE WAS FIXED.]

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

JACK: Hey! That's MY line! That's my ONLY line! You can't have it! They record me saying it twenty different ways, and that's it for me for the season.

WARRICK: It is not over, yet.

JARLATH: Ha, what planet do you live on?

WARRICK: Told you we should have left him to die.

AUDIENCE: We're all for it. Wonder if we can work Jarlath into the Tech Con quantity discount funeral plan?

INT. TYNAN'S OFFICE

[JACK TRIES TO CONTACT TEAL'C ON THE RADIO. TEAL'C AND EAMON ARE SEATED WITH THEIR HANDS BEHIND THEIR BACKS, AND TYNAN TURNS OFF THE RADIO. TYNAN TAKES A MOMENT DO SOMETHING FROM THE EVIL OVERLORD LIST... HE GLOATS.]

EAMON: How could you do this?

TYNAN: How could I? How could I not? [He turns to Teal'c] There's something your new friend here doesn't want you to know. The Serrakin are not to be trusted.

TEAL'C: The Serrakin freed your ancestors from the Goa'uld.

TYNAN: For what purpose? Hmm? Sharing technology? Living in harmony? All lies. The Serrakin are seizing control of our world, piece by piece. Taking power and opportunity away from pure-blood humans. Polluting our race by cross breeding. Weakening it by design. Don't you see? The Serrakin are no better than the Goa'uld.

[EAMON TELLS HIM THEIR SOCIETY WAS BUILT BY BOTH RACES FOR THE GOOD OF ALL, BUT TYNAN CLAIMS THAT ONLY SERRAKIN HOLD THE HIGHEST POSITIONS AND HUMANS ARE TREATED LIKE SECOND CLASS CITIZENS. HE'S FIXED THE RACE SO THE WINNER WILL BE PURE-BLOODED HUMAN. EAMON SUGGESTS THAT TYNAN'S JUST MAD BECAUSE HE WAS PASSED OVER FOR PROMOTION THREE TIMES. TYNAN SAYS HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE, THERE ARE ENOUGH OF THEM TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.]

EAMON: Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason you've been passed over so many times is not because you're a human, but because you're a moron?

[TYNAN'S NOT TOO HAPPY WITH EAMON'S ON TARGET ASSESSMENT.]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR ANOTHER ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

[HADRAIG AND BORING... DAMMIT, *BORON*, DISCUSS THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS IN THE RACE. MUIRIOUS IS STILL IN THE LEAD, BUT WARRICK IS GAINING.]

HADRAIG: Well, Coyle, perhaps he's using Ion Pro, a new engine additive from Tech Con Propulsion Systems.

BORON: Yes, perhaps.

HADRAIG: Ion Pro is guaranteed to improve drive performance, no matter what class ship you fly. Whether you're competing in a Loop of Kon Garat or just taking the kids to school, use Ion Pro in your power source. Ion Pro, from Tech Con Propulsion Systems: Your system wide experts in Ion drive technology.

AUDIENCE: Please tell us this is the last newsflash we have to endure. We can't take it anymore.

INT. TECH CON BUILDING

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE LOOKING FOR TEAL'C, BUT THE RECEPTIONIST WON'T LET THEM IN. SHE SAYS IF THEY TELL HER THE NAMES, SHE'LL CHECK AND SEE IF THEY'RE THERE. THEY SAY EAMON'S NAME, AND THE RECEPTIONIST SAYS THAT EAMON AND HIS COUSIN MURRAY ARE IN THE BUILDING.]

DANIEL: Good, can we go inside now?

RECEPTIONIST: No.

BDSMERS: Oh, we *like* her.

[JACK TELLS HERE TO CONTACT THE OWNER, BUT SHE SAYS SHE CAN'T.]

JACK: We're old friends. Tell him Mr. Man-who-has-the-Stargate is here to see him. He'll understand.

DANIEL [grinning]: Stargate.

AUDIENCE: Refresh our memories... what exactly is that?

WRITERS: It's the big roun--oh, you're yanking our chains again.

[THE RECEPTIONIST RELENTS AND CONTACTS HAGAN.]

BDSMERS: Well, we *did* like her. Wuss.

REST OF AUDIENCE: [edges away discreetly]

INT. TYNAN'S OFFICE

[TYNAN RECEIVES A MESSAGE FROM MUIRIOS, COMPLAINING THAT WARRICK IS NOT ONLY STILL IN THE RACE, BUT GAINING ON HIM.]

TYNAN: You will win, Muirios. Just focus on what you have to do. I'll take care of the Seberus. [He punches a button on his communication console.] This is Tynan calling the Seberus. I know you can hear me.

WARRICK (via com): What do you want, Tynan?

TYNAN: I only intended to disable your ship, but your stubbornness has forced my hand. I have your brother and one of the visitors from Earth. So drop out of the race... now.

[WARRICK POWERS THE ENGINES DOWN.]

ELSEWHERE IN THE TECH CON BUILDING

[JACK IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, SLEEPING WITH HIS CAP PULLED DOWN OVER HIS FACE. DANIEL IS NEARBY, DIPPING HIS FOOT INTO A POOL OF WATER IN THE WAITING AREA.]

DANIEL FANS: Contemplating a skinny dip?

SLASHERS: Oooh, Jack would definitely wake up for that.

[HAGAN FINALLY ARRIVES, THEY TELL HIM THEY THINK A MEMBER OF THEIR GROUP MAY BE "LOST" WITH ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.]

HAGAN: Lost? That seems unlikely.

AUDIENCE: Not as unlikely as some of the scripts have been in recent years.

JACK: Well... you've gotta know the guy.

HAGAN: Of course. Come with me.

INT. SEBERUS

JARLATH: You're going to let a little thing like your brother's life stop you from winning the race?

SAM AND WARRICK: Shut up.

AUDIENCE: We second the motion.

INT. TYNAN'S OFFICE

[TYNAN IS MONITORING THE RACE. ANOTHER PARTICIPANT HE THOUGHT WAS TAKEN CARE OF IS ALSO GAINING. HE ORDERS HIS TWO GOONS TO GET RID OF TEAL'C AND EAMON. AS THE TWO STAND, HAGAN, JACK, DANIEL AND SOME SECURITY PERSONNEL ARRIVE. HAGAN'S PEOPLE TAKE CARE OF TYNAN AND COMPANY.]

DANIEL (to Teal'c): Nice outfit. You guys okay?

TEAL'C: Indeed.

JACK: How many times have I told you... don't get caught by the bad guys?

[TEAL'C TELLS HAGAN THAT TYNAN CLAIMS HE WAS PROTECTING HIS PEOPLE FROM A SERRAKIN CONSPIRACY. HAGEN TELLS TYNAN THE REASON HE WAS PASSED OVER FOR PROMOTION IS HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR CORRUPTION, BUT THEY COULDN'T PROVE ANYTHING UNTIL NOW.]

TYNAN: I intend to file a protest with the employment council.

HAGAN: Employment is the least of your worries right now, Del.

AUDIENCE: You'll never work on this planet again!

[TYNAN IS LED AWAY, WHILE EAMON CONTACTS WARRICK AND SAM, TELLING THEM THEY'RE OK SO GET BACK IN THE RACE. SAM SAYS THAT MUIRIOS HAS TOO BIG A LEAD AND THEY'LL NEVER CATCH UP. WARRICK SAYS THEY ONLY HAVE TO KEEP MUIRIOS FROM CROSSING THE FINISH LINE. JARLATH HAS AN IDEA. WARRICK, SAM AND THE AUDIENCE ARE ALL AMAZED. HE OPENS A FLOOR PANEL AND STARTS TINKERING WITH THE WIRING.]

SAM: What are you doing?

JARLATH: Re-routing the conduit from your fancy power device and doubling it back through the communications array.

SAM: Why? So we can ask him to lose?

AUDIENCE: She's been around Jack too much.

NOROMOS: You can say that again.

SHIPPERS: Blasphemy!

JARLATH: Humorous. More like tell him. This will allow us to send a blast transmission. If my aim is correct, it'll temporarily freeze the command controls on Muirios' ship.

[MUIRIOS IS TRYING TO TAKE OUT ANOTHER SHIP PILOTED BY LA'EL MONTROSE. JARLETH ACTIVATES HIS IMPROVISED WEAPON, TAKING OUT MUIRIOS' SHIP. WITH HIM OUT OF THE RACE, MONTROSE WINS.]

WE INTERRUPT THIS EPISODE OF STARGATE FOR HOPEFULLY THE LAST ANNOYING NEWSFLASH

[HADRAIG AND BORON TALK ABOUT MUIRIOS' SURPRISE LOSS AND MONTROSE WINNING, AND APPARENTLY BORON LOST REALLY BIG IN THE BETTING POOL.]

HADRAIG: Any predictions for next year?

BORON: Well, I'd rather not say.

[THEY BOTH CHUCKLE, AND THE AUDIENCE GETS A SHIVER OF FEAR THAT THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE TO SEE NEXT YEAR'S RACE.]

HADRAIG: All right, then. We'll be right back with post-race interviews after a word from our sponsor: Corso's Temporal Eatery - where your whole family can eat what they want, when they want. Part of the Tech Con Group family of restaurants.

AUDIENCE: [bazooka barfing]

INT. SEBERUS

WARRICK: Sorry we did not win.

SAM: It was still worth it.

AUDIENCE: It was worth wasting an hour of our time to learn... what exactly? That Sam has been a closet adrenaline junkie for years in addition to having an inappropriate crush on her boss? Wow, big character development for her. What's next, she gets laid?

WRITERS: OK, who leaked the scripts?

SHIPPERS: [dead faint in shippy ecstasy]

NOROMOS: Oh. Shit.

INT. SGC

[SAM IS WALKING THROUGH A CORRIDOR, COMES AROUND A CORNER AND SEES DANIEL HANGING UP A RED PHONE.]

AUDIENCE: What is he doing? Ordering pizza?

SLASHERS: Phone sex. [puffs virtual cigarettes]

[SAM TELLS HIM SHE'S HEARD FROM WARRICK. THE WINNER OF THE RACE HIRED HIM AS CO-PILOT. SAM SAYS HE SOUNDS REALLY HAPPY, BUT DANIEL SAYS SAM DOESN'T.]

SAM: I'm fine.

DANIEL: You've still got that ion drive to study.

SAM: I know... very cool.

DANIEL: You're just sore that you lost.

SAM: Well, come on. It wasn't fair... bunch of cheaters.

AUDIENCE: What, is she in the fifth grade?

NOROMOS: She *has* been acting rather Junior High recently.

DANIEL: So, whatcha gonna do?

SAM: Next year... I'm gonna kick butt.

AUDIENCE: Please, oh please, let that be one of the multitude of things that happens off screen.

WRITERS: We thought you were complaining about too much happens off screen?

AUDIENCE: Some things would be OK with us. Avoiding just about any kind of ship cuts out a whole lot of problems.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, AVENGER 2.0 AND THE RETURN OF FELGER.

AUDIENCE: No, no, anything but that!

BBE WRITER: You mean I actually have to watch this again? I'm rethinking my fanfic career.
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