7.07 Enemy Mine by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Enemy Mine, with audience participation.

- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer:Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Perhaps a swim in River Denial will lead us to the Happy Place. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...
Daniel is friendly with an Unas named Chaka. Apparently Jack's not into a ménage a trois. Or is it the scales that are a turn-off?

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

EXT. P3X-403

[AN SGC MINING CREW ARE AT WORK. THEY'VE FOUND SOME NAQUADAH, BUT NOT MUCH SO FAR. A NEW SAMPLE ANALYSIS SHOWS A DEPOSIT THAT'S FIFTY TIMES HIGHER THAN ANYTHING ELSE THEY'VE SEEN.]

MEANWHILE, OUT IN THE WOODS...

[A LONE SGC MEMBER IS SETTING UP EQUIPMENT. HE HEARS TWIGS SNAPPING AND SNARLING SOUNDS.]

AUDIENCE: That's not good. He doesn't have a red shirt on under his uniform, does he?

[SOMETHING GRABS HIM AND DRAGS HIM AWAY KICKING AND SCREAMING.]

AUDIENCE: Yep, definitely a red shirt. But haven't they heard of the concept of swim buddies? Why was this guy out there by himself?

WRITERS: Quit complaining and watch the story.

AUDIENCE: We will when you write a decent one without monstrous plot holes.

OPENING CREDITS

LATER...

[SG-1 HAS ARRIVED ON THE SCENE, AND TALKS TO THE MINING TEAM LEADER, COLONEL EDWARDS.]

EDWARDS: I'm glad you're here, Jack. We're not trained for search and rescue. And Ritter's been missing now for three hours.

AUDIENCE: And is SG-1 trained for search and rescue? Since when? We thought they were a first contact team.

WRITERS: This is what the story needs. Deal.

[THE PLANET HAS WEIRD ELECTROMAGNETIC PROPERTIES THAT MAKE A COMPASS USELESS AND LIMIT THE RANGE OF THE RADIOS. EDWARDS MENTIONS THE POSSIBLY SIGNIFICANT NAQUADAH DEPOSIT.]

EDWARDS: The Pentagon wants battle cruisers and F-302s. We find the rocks.

JACK: And we find the rock... finders.

AUDIENCE: Cosmic Giddiness (tm). Yeah, we get it. Can we send it back, marked "Addressee Doesn't Give A Damn"?

[MAJOR LORNE IS ABOUT TO LEAD THEM TO WHERE RITTER WAS LAST SEEN, BUT THEY PASS BY CRATES COVERED WITH A TARP. DANIEL STOPS AND PULLS BACK THE TARP.]

DANIEL: Artifacts?

LORNE: Yes.

AUDIENCE: You've got some 'splaining to do, Mister.

DANIEL: You found all this and you didn't contact me?

LORNE: We were going to.

DANIEL: They've been moved.

LORNE: Well, they were in the way.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO EVEN HAVE EVEN A PASSING INTEREST IN ARCHAEOLOGY: [wince]

[JACK STEPS FORWARD AND PUTS A HAND ON DANIEL'S SHOULDER.]

SLASHERS: Squee!

JACK: Daniel... go to your happy place.

SLASHERS: We've *seen* Daniel's happy place.

AUDIENCE: Say what?

SLASHERS: Photo manips, baybee. Where all your dreams really can come true.

AUDIENCE: They sometimes just hand these lines to the slashers, don't they?

WRITERS: Wasn't intentional. Trust us.

AUDIENCE: As far as we can throw you.

[LORNE, JACK, AND TEAL'C ARRIVE AT THE LOCATION WHERE RITTER WAS WORKING. TEAL'C INVESTIGATES THE AREA, BUT CANNOT FIND ANY TRACKS. THEN DANIEL CONTACTS JACK VIA RADIO.]

DANIEL: I've got something here you need to see.

SLASHERS: He most certainly does, and dammitall, there's not a handy supply closet out in the wilderness.

[JACK HEADS BACK TO THE CAMP AND TALKS TO DANIEL.]

JACK: Whadda ya got?

SLASHERS: We can't *even* begin to describe the answers that come to our minds.

NOROMOS: No description? Thanks bunches!

[DANIEL EXPLAINS THE MINING EQUIPMENT WILL BE HARD TO DATE UNTIL HE GETS BACK TO THE SGC, BUT HE'S FOUND ONE FAMILIAR ITEM -- A PAIN STICK.]

DANIEL: Remember these?

JACK: Ever so fondly.

BDSMERS: Really? [whimper]

[DANIEL TOUCHES IT TO A CRATE AND IT GIVES OFF A CHARGE.]

DANIEL: Still has power.

JACK: Just keeps going and going.

SLASHERS: [cackle] Just like Jack and Daniel.

DANIEL: I want to show you the truly fascinating part.

SLASHERS: Video! We're getting video!

DANIEL: It's a yoke... capable of supporting or pulling great weight... evenly distributes the weight across the shoulders... and predates the harness on Earth.

SLASHERS: Damn.

BDSMERS: We're still listening.

[DANIEL GOES ON TO EXPLAIN THE YOKE IS TOO BIG AND HEAVY. IT WASN'T MADE FOR A HUMAN AND IT'S TOO SMALL FOR A FOUR-LEGGED ANIMAL, SO HE THINKS IT WAS MADE FOR AN UNAS.

JACK: Oh.

SLASHERS: Now Jack, there's nothing to be jealous about. There's not been an Unas around to drag Daniel out into the woods and make him a Love Slave. Yet.

[DANIEL THEORIZES THE GOA'ULD USED THE UNAS AS SLAVES BEFORE THEY BEGAN USING HUMANS, AND THEY'RE PERFECT LABOR FOR MINING. JACK CONTACTS TEAL'C VIA RADIO AND GIVES HIM A HEADS UP ON THE POSSIBILITY OF UNAS BEING IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.]

EDWARDS: Okay, let me get this straight. You want me to delay this operation because you found some shoulder harness?

DANIEL: Yoke, actually.

DANIEL FANS: Daniel, we love you, but you know that you need to properly train Edwards like you've done with Jack.

BDSMERS: Yes, proper training is ever so important.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Ooooooookaaaaaaay. We'll have to take your word on that one.

[EDWARDS SAYS THEY'VE BEEN ON THE PLANET FOR THREE MONTHS AND HAVEN'T SEEN ANYONE ELSE, NOT EVEN AN UNAS. DANIEL TELLS HIM THAT'S PROBABLY HOW THEY WANTED IT.]

EDWARDS: Look. Doctor, I've got the Pentagon breathing down my neck, I've got to show some results...

DANIEL: Colonel, you don't understand. Unas are territorial, and when provoked, they can be extremely dangerous.

SLASHERS: Just like Jack.

[EDWARDS ASKS JACK IF DANIEL'S ALWAYS LIKE THIS.]

JACK: Yeah, pretty much.

DANIEL FANS: We wouldn't have it any other way.

SLASHERS: And how. Amen.

[DANIEL TELLS EDWARDS THAT IF THE UNAS REALLY ARE ON THE PLANET, THEY PROBABLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH RITTER'S DISAPPEARANCE. EDWARDS SAYS HE WON'T SHUT DOWN THE OPERATION, BUT WANTS TO BRING IN EXTRA TROOPS TO SECURE THE AREA.

EXT. ELSEWHERE ON P3X-403

[TEAL'C AND OTHERS ARE STILL SEARCHING. THEY FIND A CLEARING WITH SEVERAL JAFFA BODIES HANGING ON CROSSES LIKE SCARECROWS, ALONG WITH OTHER ITEMS. TEAL'C ALSO SEES A NECKLACE OF BONES THE UNAS WEAR TO PREVENT GOA'ULD INFESTATION.]

TEAL'C: I believe these figures are intended as a warning to stay away.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

[AS LORNE CONTINUES DOWN THE TRAIL, HE REALIZES THE LAST CROSS HAS RITTER HANGING ON IT.]

LORNE: [urp]

EXT. MINING CAMP

[RITTER'S IN A BODY BAG, BEING CARRIED AWAY. EDWARDS ORDERS EXTRA AMMO FOR ALL HIS MEN.]

DANIEL: What are you intending to do?

AUDIENCE: We'll give you three guesses.

EDWARDS: These things killed one of my men and strung him up like a scarecrow. What the hell do you think I intend to do?

DANIEL: Well, you may have, unknowingly, provoked them.

EDWARDS: We didn't even know they were here. How the hell could we have provoked them?

[DANIEL SAYS THE UNAS DON'T WANT THEM HERE, EDWARDS SAYS THE FEELING'S MUTUAL.]

DANIEL: Jack?

FRIENDSHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: [contented sigh]

JACK: Look, I know he can be a little... but he's usually right about this stuff.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: Yay!

[EDWARDS SAYS HIS ORDERS HAVEN'T CHANGED, SO HE'S GOING TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO KEEP HIS PEOPLE SAFE.]

LATER...

[JACK AND DANIEL, ALONG WITH OTHER SGC PERSONNEL ARE WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS AGAIN. DANIEL SAYS THIS IS A MISTAKE, BUT JACK SAYS IT IS EDWARDS' COMMAND.]

AUDIENCE: Um... wouldn't Jack still be the ranking officer though?

[DANIEL SAYS THAT EDWARDS DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S DEALING WITH, SINCE HE'S NEVER ENCOUNTERED UNAS BEFORE. THEY HEAR GUNFIRE AHEAD OF THEM, AND BOTH RUN TOWARDS THE SOUND. UNAS AND SGC PERSONNEL ARE FIGHTING, AND AN UNAS WEARING JAFFA ARMOR KNOCKS JACK DOWN. DANIEL IS AIMING HIS PISTOL AT THE UNAS.]

DANIEL: Ka kecka!

AUDIENCE: Gensundheit!

[THE UNAS STOPS AND LOOKS AT DANIEL.]

DANIEL: Ka kecka!

[THE UNAS LOOKS AT JACK AND THEN BACK AT DANIEL.]

IRON SHIRT: Ska nat? Ka ko kecka!

SLASHERS: Translation: "This one is yours, and you'll shoot me if I try anything?"

IRON SHIRT: Benna! Benna ka cha! Benna ka cha!

SLASHERS: Translation: "He's hot, but not worth dying over. Retreat!"

[THE OTHER UNAS STOP ATTACKING AND DRAG OFF THEIR DEAD AND WOUNDED. JACK GRIMACES IN PAIN AND GRABS THE SHOULDER HE LANDED ON. DANIEL MOVES TO HELP HIM.]

SLASHERS AND H/C FANS: Squee!

[AS THE LAST OF THE UNAS CLEAR OUT, WE SEE A BONE NECKLACE AT THE BASE OF A TREE. TEAL'C AND OTHERS ARRIVE ON THE SCENE.]

EDWARDS: My men'll take care of the rest of the wounded. They're on the run. Let's take them now.

[THERE'S A LOUD ROARING NOISE IN THE DISTANCE.]

EDWARDS: What's that? What are they doing now?

DANIEL: They're mourning their dead.

AUDIENCE: Please don't tell us it's the Klingon death yell. We may start throwing things. Like writers.

EDWARDS: This may be our best chance. Come on, we're not just going to let them get away, are we?

JACK: We're not going to pursue an enemy into unknown terrain.

AUDIENCE: Besides, Jack's got an owie and needs a timeout.

EDWARDS: Jack, you make it sound like they're capable of tactics.

DANIEL: We've had dealing with them before. They're far more intelligent than you think.

AUDIENCE: And far more intelligent than Jack's been acting recently.

EDWARDS: I don't care! They attacked us!

JACK: Edwards! We're not going in.

EDWARDS: This is my command! You are here at my request!

DANIEL: You're in charge of a mining operation.

JACK: Your standing orders no longer apply! Now, let's take it back to SGC and we'll figure it out there.

EDWARDS: Fine.

AUDIENCE: Aw, gonna take your toys and go home now? Maybe pout?

INT. INFIRMARY

[JACK'S IN THE INFIRMARY, WITH HIS ARM IN A SLING. DANIEL'S THERE WITH HIM, AND SLASHERS SQUEE IN DELIGHT. SAM ENTERS THE SCENE, AND SHIPPERS PERK UP AFTER SITTING AROUND IN AN EXTREME STATE OF BOREDOM SO FAR.]

SAM: How's the arm?

JACK: Good. How's the science project?

SAM: You mean my complete overhaul of the gate diagnostic system?

JACK: I guess that's what I mean.

SAM: It's going well, sir. Thank you for asking.

SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: You're serious, aren't you?

SHIPPERS: The slashers have even less to go with than we do!

SLASHERS: So we use our imagination. A lot. We're *very* good at it.

DANIEL: Uh, if we go back to this planet, you're not coming with us, are you?

JACK: It's doubtful.

DANIEL: Yeah, that's too bad. I was kind of hoping you'd take command of the mission. Colonel Edwards has no experience dealing with the Unas.

JACK: Nor you. He's an okay guy, Daniel. He's just under a lot of pressure.

DANIEL: Yeah, yeah. I... I guess I just spent a lot of time breaking you in, I just didn't want to have to start with a new colonel.

SLASHERS AND FRIENDSHIPPERS: [snork]

JACK: Just... try not to be so...

DANIEL: What?

JACK: Oh, you know...

SLASHERS AND DANIEL FANS: Hot?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[HAMMOND, VIDRINE, EDWARDS AND MORE ARE LOOKING AT AERIAL PICTURES SPREAD OUT ON THE TABLE. VIDRINE IS IN CHARGE OF THE PROJECT TO BUILD SHIPS, AND IS OPEN TO OTHER WAYS TO ACQUIRE NAQUADAH, BUT IF NO ONE HAS ANY IDEAS, THEY'LL GO BACK TO P3X-403.]

EDWARDS: With enough men and enough firepower, I can take care of your problem, sir.

AUDIENCE: He's the physical manifestation of the writers wanting to blow shit up, isn't he?

[HAMMOND SAYS IT WON'T BE AS EASY AS THEY THINK IT WILL BE. VIDRINE SAYS EDWARDS WILL RETURN AND BEGIN MINING OPERATIONS IMMEDIATELY, WITH SGC PERSONNEL PROVIDING SECURITY.]

VIDRINE: Now, if this leads to hostilities...

[DANIEL HAS ENTERED THE ROOM.]

DANIEL: It will.

VIDRINE: Dr. Jackson, I don't believe you were invited to this meeting.

[DANIEL APOLOGIZES, BUT THINKS THERE'S A WAY THINGS CAN BE RESOLVED PEACEFULLY. HE SAYS IT WASN'T UNTIL THEY ENTERED THIS ONE PARTICULAR AREA THAT THE UNAS ATTACKED, SO THEY CAN MINE SOMEWHERE ELSE.]

EDWARDS: All the other mine sites we've surveyed have been void of significant deposits. This is the only site we've found, thus far, that might satisfy production quotas.

DANIEL: And if this leads to another dead end?

VIDRINE: Then we won't have a problem. But I'm not going to walk away from this until I know for sure.

DANIEL: Well, then, can we at least try to negotiate with them?

EDWARDS: They're animals, sir.

CHAKA FANS: Dead human walking.

DANIEL: They are not animals. They are intelligent beings with a sense of honor and if you underestimate them more will die on both sides.

VIDRINE: Who would negotiate on our behalf? You?

DANIEL: I can speak their language with a limited vocabulary and I have a rudimentary understanding of their ways, but this has gone too far for me to handle myself.

VIDRINE: What are you proposing, Doctor?

DANIEL: I suggest we use Chaka as a liaison.

VIDRINE: Chaka?

DANIEL: He's an Unas we met on a different planet. Now, I've had periodic contact with him. He's made impressive progress in his understanding of us. Look, we've interacted with these beings before and lived. Chaka, himself, saved my life. This is their planet. We're the invaders. We don't have to provoke them. We don't have to kill them.

VIDRINE: Well, I'm sure no one wants that, Dr. Jackson.

DANIEL: Yes, I'm sure.

AUDIENCE: We're giving Edwards the Evil Eye now.

HAMMOND: If the negotiations are resolved in the time allotted to determine the viability of the mine, you're giving up nothing by letting him try.

[VIDRINE AGREES, BUT WARNS DANIEL THAT IF NEGOTIATIONS FAIL, USE OF DEADLY FORCE IS AUTHORIZED.]

INT. GATEROOM

[DANIEL ARRIVES WITH CHAKA.]

VIDRINE: Uhm.

[CHAKA SNARLS AT HIM.]

CHAKA: A cha'aka.

DANIEL: Uh... a cha'aka... is a greeting. In this case, he's, uh, he's saying 'hello'.

CHAKA: ell... o

EDWARDS: Pfft.

CHAKA: Pfft.

AUDIENCE: Edwards, he could make mincemeat out of you. We wouldn't "pfft" too much in front of him.

[DANIEL SAYS HE'S TALKED TO CHAKA, AND FOUND THAT HE LED AN UPRISING ON THE PLANET WHERE CHAKA NOW LIVES. EDWARDS WANTS TO KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE KILLED, BUT DANIEL SAYS THAT'S NOT THE POINT -- CHAKA BROKERED A TRUCE. IF HE CAN DO THAT, HE COULD ACT AS A LIAISON BETWEEN THE SGC AND THE UNAS OF P3X-403.]

EXT. P3X-403

[THE UNAS HAVE DESTROYED MUCH OF THE CAMP, AND PART OF IT IS STILL ON FIRE.]

EDWARDS: You're right, Dr. Jackson. They're much more advanced than what I thought. They have command of fire.

CHAKA FANS: You really have a death wish, don't you? We'd be happy to accommodate you.

DANIEL FANS: We'll back you up. Provide a weapon, an alibi, whatever you need.

[DANIEL SAYS CHAKA SHOULD BE ABLE TO LEAD HIM TO THE NATIVE UNAS. EDWARDS GETS INTO A STARING MATCH WITH CHAKA, WHO DOESN'T TAKE KINDLY TO IT.]

DANIEL: Colonel, he knows you don't like him. If you keep staring at him like that, he's going to take it as a challenge.

CHAKA FANS: Let Chaka eat him, Daniel! OK, how about just a nibble, 'cause we know he'd taste bitter and give Chaka heartburn?

EDWARDS: Just keep him away from me. Hanson! Penhall! You're with them.

21 JUMPSTREET FANS: Flashback!

PDL: Ain't it cool?

EDWARDS: The rest of you people! I want this perimeter secured. Anti-personnel and overlapping fields of fire! Move it!

[DANIEL TELLS TEAL'C EDWARDS IS GETTING READY FOR A WAR. TEAL'C SAYS IT'S HIS RESPONSIBILITY TO PROTECT THE CAMP, BUT DANIEL ASKS IF IT'S THAT, OR LOOKING FOR REVENGE FOR LT. RITTER.]

LATER...

[BACK AT THE SITE WHERE RITTER WAS FOUND, DANIEL, TEAL'C AND OTHER SGC FOLKS WATCH AS CHAKA LOOKS AT THE SCARECROWS. CHAKA TELLS DANIEL THE SIZE OF THEIR GROUP MAKES IT LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO ATTACK, AND HE WANTS DANIEL TO GO WITH HIM ALONE AND UNARMED.]

SLASHERS: Do we really want to run with this one? We're going into Squick Land.

NOROMOS: Well, *finally*. We were wondering if there was a limit.

TEAL'C: This is unwise, Daniel Jackson.

SLASHERS: Translation, "Jack will kill me if I let you do this and you get so much as a scratch."

[CHAKA LEADS DANIEL TO ANOTHER CLEARING, WITH A RING OF STONES IN FRONT OF AN ALTAR DECORATED WITH JAFFA AND GOA'ULD THINGS. THEY LIGHT A FIRE AND CHAKA BEGINS CHANTING THE UNAS VERSION OF KUMBAYA.]

EVEN LATER...

[CHAKA IS STILL CHANTING, WHILE DANIEL'S LOOKING A BIT BORED FROM WAITING.]

DANIEL FANS: Wouldn't you be, after listening to the same words over and over again for hours?

CHAKA FANS: But it's got a beat and you can dance to it.

AUDIENCE: [boggle]

CHAKA FANS: OK, you can dance to it if you're an Unas. We think.

[IRON SHIRT AND THE OTHER UNAS APPROACH. MUCH SNARLING ENSUES. CHAKA KNEELS IN FRONT OF THEM, AND DANIEL DOES THE SAME.]

DANIEL: Down... good idea.

SLASHERS: Must... fight... Satan. Make it up to him... later.

[CHAKA LAYS A KNIFE DOWN ON A ROCK. IRON SHIRT EXAMINES IT, THEN PUTS IT IN HIS BELT BEFORE PLACING A WRIST BAND ON THE SAME ROCK. CHAKA ACCEPTS IT, AND INTRODUCTIONS BEGIN.]

CHAKA: A cha' aka. Te Chaka.

IRON SHIRT: Ta?

DANIEL: Uhm, a cha' aka. Te... Daniel.

IRON SHIRT: Dan'el...

DANIEL: Dan'el's fine.

DANIEL FANS: Damn fine.

[DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT THEY WANT TO WORK IT OUT AND NOT FIGHT.]

DANIEL: Okay, all right. Now we're talking, huh?

AUDIENCE: Or grunting. Whatever.

EXT. MINING CAMP

[THE MINING CREW ARE WORKING AS DANIEL AND CHAKA RETURN. DANIEL EXPLAINS THAT THE REASON THE UNAS ATTACKED IS BECAUSE THE MINE IS SACRED TO THEM. MOST OF THEIR ANCESTORS WERE WORKED TO DEATH BY THE GOA'ULD WHILE MINING IT.]

DANIEL: Now I told them I'd speak to my superiors on their behalf. Sacred burial grounds are protected on Earth from industrial development. I think the same rule should apply here. We have to leave.

[THE RESULTS ARE IN. THERE'S A BUTTLOAD OF NAQUADAH IN THE MINE.]

EDWARDS: We're not going anywhere.

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[DANIEL'S REPORTING BACK TO HAMMOND AND VIDRINE VIA RADIO.]

VIDRINE: How many of them are there?

DANIEL: I only saw a medium-sized clan. I can't be sure... why?

AUDIENCE: He needs to know how many kegs to order for the party?

VIDRINE: We need to know if we're going to relocate them.

DANIEL: They'll never accept relocation, sir. They won't understand it.

[VIDRINE SAYS DANIEL HAS TO MAKE THEM UNDERSTAND, OR THEY'LL GO IN WITH TRANQUILIZERS AND CAPTURE THEM. DANIEL THINKS HE AND CHAKA CAN WORK SOMETHING OUT, AND HAMMOND GIVES HIM 24 HOURS TO TRY.

LATER... BACK AT THE ALTAR

[DANIEL AND CHAKA TRY TO EXPLAIN THEY'LL GIVE THE UNAS FOOD IN EXCHANGE FOR NAQUADAH TO MAKE WAR WITH THEIR COMMON ENEMY, THE GOA'ULD.]

IRON SHIRT: Kel?

DANIEL: How? Well, we make, uh... ships out of it.

NOROMOS: Ship?! Duck and cover!

[DANIEL MOVES HIS HAND AROUND LIKE A FLYING SHIP, COMPLETE WITH SOUND EFFECTS. BOTH CHAKA AND IRON SHIRT LOOK AT HIM LIKE HE'S LOST HIS MIND.]

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Again?

DANIEL FANS: Any chance of Daniel Toes again?

BDSMERS: Or restraints?

[DANIEL PICKS UP A STAFF WEAPON, AND EXPLAINS THEY'LL MAKE WEAPONS TO FIGHT THE GOA'ULD.]

MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE IN THE WOODS

[SOLDIERS ARE PATROLLING. ONE HEARS A TWIG SNAP AND THEY ALL RAISE THEIR WEAPONS.]

MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE RANCH, ER, ALTAR

[DANIEL TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT IF THEY DON'T COME TO AN AGREEMENT, THE HUMANS WILL RELOCATE THE UNAS. HE EVEN MOVES HIS FINGERS LIKE THEY'RE WALKING IN AN ATTEMPT TO GET THE IDEA ACROSS.]

AUDIENCE: Daniel, they already think you're a few fries short of a Happy Meal. Give it up.

SLASHERS: We're thinking maybe they're extremely curious about what else he can do with his fingers.

[IRON SHIRT SAYS THEY'LL FIGHT, BUT DANIEL TELLS THEM THEY CAN'T WIN.]

IRON SHIRT: A Unas naya tok!

DANIEL: All the tribes will fight. How many? Uh, kel ka naya?

IRON SHIRT: Soseka.

DANIEL: No. That... that's impossible.

AUDIENCE: Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, you were dead, fer cryin' out loud. How can you say anything's impossible?

[DANIEL TRIES TO CONTACT TEAL'C ON THE RADIO, BUT CAN'T GET THROUGH. HE AND CHAKA LEAVE.]

MEANWHILE, ELSEWHERE IN THE WOODS, AGAIN

[AN UNAS HAS RETURNED TO THE SITE OF THEIR EARLIER CLASH WITH HUMANS TO RETRIEVE HIS BONE NECKLACE. A SOLDIER SEES HIM AND OPENS FIRE, KILLING THE UNAS. DANIEL AND CHAKA HEAR THE SHOTS AND ARRIVE ON THE SCENE AS OTHER SOLDIERS ARE ARRIVING TOO.]

SOLDIER: It was coming up on my position. It was attacking.

[DANIEL SEES THE NECKLACE, AND EXPLAINS THAT THE UNAS WAS COMING BACK FOR IT, NOT ATTACKING.]

SOLDIER: I didn't know.

EDWARDS: No need to apologize.

AUDIENCE: Sez you, dead man walking.

[LOUD ROARING IS HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.]

TEAL'C: They are preparing to attack.

EDWARDS: Let 'em come, we're ready.

DANIEL: No, you're not.

AUDIENCE: (singing) Dead man... dead man walking...

[EDWARDS GIVES DANIEL A DIRTY LOOK.]

DANIEL FANS: OK, what's the chorus to the "Dead Man Walking" song?

EXT. MINING CAMP

[DANIEL'S TRYING TO CONVINCE EDWARDS THEY NEED TO GET OUT, BUT EDWARDS ISN'T BUYING. HE SAYS THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN THAT LARGE OF AN UNAS POPULATION ON AERIAL SCANS.]

DANIEL: Unas live primarily underground in caves where aerial scans don't detect them.

AUDIENCE: If there aren't as many as it sounds, then are they using a Mr. Microphone or something else to amplify the sound?

[IRON SHIRT IS ON A RISE LOOKING DOWN AT THE SOLDIERS.]

EDWARDS: If they attack, we will defend ourselves!

[IRON SHIRT IS JOINED BY A LOT OF OTHER UNAS. A WHOLE FRIGGING LOT OF UNAS.]

EDWARDS: You're right, Dr. Jackson. Let's get back to the gate.

AUDIENCE: We're pretty sure Edwards needs some clean undies now.

DANIEL: No, it's too late. If we move now, they'll run us down.

[IRON SHIRT WALKS DOWN TO THE CAMP ALONE.]

DANIEL: Don't do anything stupid. He's giving us a chance.

EDWARDS: A chance to do what?

AUDIENCE: Knowing you, something stupid.

DANIEL: To surrender.

EDWARDS: Surrender? Not possible.

AUDIENCE: Do you want a quick recap of your situation along with the fresh undies?

[EDWARDS LOWERS HIS WEAPON, AS DANIEL TELLS IRON SHIRT THEY DON'T HAVE TO FIGHT. THEY CAN BE OF THE SAME TRIBE AND BRING DEATH TO THE GOA'ULD. IRON SHIRT THINKS IT'S A TRICK -- WHILE THEY WERE TALKING PEACE, A HUMAN KILLED AN UNAS.]

DANIEL: We have to show respect. We have to get down on the ground.

EDWARDS: On the ground? There's no way I'm getting down on the...

AUDIENCE: We'll explain it rather simply. Either you get down on the ground willingly, or your dead body will be hitting it forcefully. Possibly in pieces.

DANIEL: Colonel, this is the way their social order works! We have to show submissiveness to show that we're not a threat, that we're not challenging them! We have to get down on the ground and that is all that we have to do.

[EDWARDS TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THE OVERWHELMING NUMBER OF UNAS, AND FINALLY KNEELS. THE REST OF THE MEN FOLLOW HIS LEAD. DANIEL GIVES IRON SHIRT HIS LIGHTER, WHILE IRON SHIRT GIVES HIM A BONE NECKLACE.]

DANIEL: Now we can negotiate.

EDWARDS: How long do we have to kneel?

DANIEL: As long as it takes.

BDSMERS: We like the sound of that.

LATER...

DANIEL: Well, I think we've got ourselves a deal.

EDWARDS: And what deal would that be, Dr. Jackson?

DANIEL: Well, we've agreed not to desecrate their sacred ground any more.

EDWARDS: We have?

DANIEL: And in exchange the Unas will honor their dead by helping defeat their ancestors' killers, the Goa'uld.

EDWARDS: And just how are they going to do that?

DANIEL: They're going to work the mine themselves.

EDWARDS: What? Did you propose this?

DANIEL: No, actually, it, uh, was Iron Shirt.

EDWARDS: Okay, let me get this straight... the Unas are going to mine this deposit and turn all the naquadah over to us?

DANIEL: That's right.

EDWARDS: Can they, uh, work a jackhammer?

DANIEL: I think you'll find they are very intelligent and can learn. You treat them with honor and respect and you'll find out what kind of allies they can be.

EDWARDS: O'Neill was right about you. You are a pain in the ass... but well worth it.

SLASHERS: And you don't even get the full benefits that Jack receives. You have no *idea* how worth it he is. We're going to go wallow in our Happy Place for a while.

FADE OUT


NEXT WEEK, SPACE RACE, IN WHICH THE WRITERS RIP OFF THE POD RACE FROM THE PHANTOM MENACE, COMPLETE WITH IRRITATING ANNOUNCERS.

WRITERS: It's a hom-

AUDIENCE: Don't *even* say it.
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