7.06 Lifeboat by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Lifeboat, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I'd like to play with Daniel, but that whole "Is he jail bait when Keenin is in residence?" issue is a potential squick. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1...
Nobody does crazy quite like Daniel. Apparently the writers have finally noticed.

DANIEL FANS: 'Bout time! Drool buckets at the ready!

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

INT. ALIEN SHIP

NOROMOS: A ship. Not exactly a promising beginning here.

WRITERS: Not *that* kind of ship!

AUDIENCE: Like this kind is an improvement?

WRITERS: If we could have a full hour of Sam and Jack snogging on the Prometheus, it would be a perfect episode.

S/J SHIPPERS: [sigh] Yes, it would be.

[THE TEAM IS EXPLORING THE INSIDE OF THE SHIP USING FLASHLIGHTS. APPARENTLY THE SHIP CRASHED.]

NOROMOS: Yes!

WRITERS: We *said* it's not *that* kind of ship!

NOROMOS: At this point, we don't care. We'll take any kind of crashing ship we can get.

[CARTER SAYS THEY DETECTED A BEACON VIA THE MALP, BUT THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN AUTOMATICALLY ACTIVATED ON IMPACT AND THERE MIGHT NOT BE ANY SURVIVORS. AS THEY CONTINUE EXPLORING, THEY FIND SOME SORT OF PODS WITH PEOPLE IN THEM.]

SAM: Sir, these people are alive. At least they're in some form of cryogenic sleep. Any civilization without faster-than-light technology would have to babble, babble, technobabble.

JACK: We've got a shipload of frozen people.

SAM: That would be the more succinct way of putting it. Yes, Sir.

S/J SHIPPERS: [humming "Can You Feel The Love Tonight"]

NOROMOS: Yeah, we're feeling the love.

[JACK ORDERS THE TEAM TO SPLIT UP TO COUNT THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE. SAM AND TEAL'C GO IN ONE DIRECTION, WHILE JACK AND DANIEL GO ANOTHER.]

SAM/TEAL'C SHIPPERS AND JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: [preen]

[JACK'S COUNTING, BUT FINDS ONE POD WITH A SKELETON.]

AUDIENCE: If he says "I see dead people," we're going to have to hurt someone.

[DANIEL HEARS A SOUND AND TURNS TO LOOK, AND THEN HE YELLS...]

DANIEL: Jack!

SLASHERS: Let the record show...

S/J SHIPPERS: Don't. Wanna. Hear. It.

SLASHERS: And Daniel can call him Jack, not Sir.

BDSMERS: Unless Jack *wants* him to call him Sir.

NOROMOS: [whimper]

BDSMERS: Our work here is done. No, wait, it's not.

[A BALL OF LIGHT GOES DOWN THE CORRIDOR, PASSING THROUGH JACK. THEN EVERYONE'S UNCONSCIOUS.]

AUDIENCE: That was one hell of a party light, wasn't it?

[TEAL'C WAKES UP. HE TRIES TO CONTACT THE OTHERS VIA RADIO, BUT GETS NO RESPONSE. HE GOES DOWN THE CORRIDOR AND FINDS JACK OUT COLD. THEN SAM, SAME STORY. HE THEN FINDS DANIEL, WHO IS HALF SITTING PROPPED AGAINST THE WALL OF PODS, ALSO OUT COLD. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND SCREAMS.]

DANIEL: Ahhh!

DANIEL FANS: Let the Crazy Danny Extravaganza begin! Our Motto: "Give us toes or give us... arm porn!"

INT. SGC CONTROL ROOM

[CHEVRON GUY ANNOUNCES THAT SG-4 HAS SIGNALED THAT THEY'VE GOT SG-1. HAMMOND ORDERS DEFENSE AND MEDICALS TEAMS TO STAND BY, AND TELLS CHEVRON GUY TO OPEN THE IRIS. SG-4 COMES THROUGH THE GATE, CARRYING SAM AND JACK ON STRETCHERS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Separate stretchers.

S/J SHIPPERS: Aw, man!

[JANET CHECKS ON THEM, AS SG-4 REPORTS THAT THEY'RE BOTH UNCONSCIOUS, BUT OTHERWISE STABLE. TEAL'C EMERGES FROM THE GATE, HELPING DANIEL, WHO APPEARS TO BE IN PAIN.]

JANET: Daniel?

DANIEL FANS: Daniel's not here now, please leave a message at the beep. [beep]

DANIEL: I have to go back... I have to go back... I have to go back! I have to go back!

AUDIENCE: Let us guess... he wants to go back?

[THE WORMHOLE DISSOLVES AS DANIEL BREAKS FREE OF TEAL'C AND HEADS FOR THE GATE. HE COLLAPSES, AND JANET GOES TO HIM.]

JANET: It's okay.

DANIEL/JANET SHIPPERS: Oh, it's *more* than OK!

DANIEL: Who are you? What is this place?

AUDIENCE: Has he got Post Descension Traumatic Stress Disorder?

DANIEL FANS: Not sure, but we're more than willing to perform a thorough medical examination. Very. Thorough.

SLASHERS: Video?

DANIEL FANS: Yeahsureyoubetcha!

SLASHERS: Thanks bunches!

DANIEL FANS: It's *our* pleasure!

NOROMOS: We've got a bad feeling about this.

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah! Sam's going to be pissed when she wakes up!

NOROMOS: We wish she'd "wake up" about the whole ship thing.

S/J SHIPPERS: Same here!

NOROMOS: [slaps foreheads]

INT. INFIRMARY

[SAM AND JACK ARE LYING IN BEDS.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee!

NOROMOS: Beds. Plural.

S/J SHIPPERS: [pout] You're no fun.

NOROMOS: It's a burden we must carry.

[HAMMOND TELLS A NURSE TO NOTIFY HIM THE MOMENT SAM AND JACK REGAIN CONSCIOUSNESS, AND LEAVES. HE ENTERS THE OBSERVATION DECK. TEAL'C IS ALREADY THERE, WATCHING THROUGH THE ONE-WAY MIRROR. DANIEL'S ON THE OTHER SIDE WEARING WHITE HOSPITAL JAMMIES AND A RATHER STYLISH ACCESSORY -- WRIST RESTRAINTS SECURED TO HIS WAIST.]

BDSMERS: Oh. My. One of our dreams come true. We have more. We've got notes around here somewhere. Bridge keeps sending them back.

[DANIEL'S VERY ANGRY, DEMANDING TO KNOW WHO'S RESPONSIBLE AND WHY HE'S BEING RESTRAINED.]

BDSMERS: Because we've been very, very good. Or bad, depending on your definition. We're flexible. *Really* flexible.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: [backs away slowly]

JANET: Those may be removed when you decide to calm down.

DANIEL: Calm? How do you expect me to be calm? I was made promises that nothing like this could happen! That nothing could go wrong!

JANET: All right, let's start there. Can you tell me what has gone wrong?

DANIEL: What has gone wrong? What has gone wrong? Well, this is not the Stromos, you are not a member of my staff, and...

[HE'S POINTS TO HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRRORED GLASS.]

DANIEL: That is not me!

DANIEL FANS: But it's probably an improvement over the old model, right?

SLASHERS: And the fringe benefits are just going to blow you away. Um... pardon the pun.

SMUTTERS: OK, if several minds are in the same body, it's still considered an orgy, right?

JANET: All right, listen carefully. We did not do this. In fact, we're in the dark about what has happened, as much as you apparently are. Now if you cooperate...

DANIEL: I will undergo no more of your tests.

[HE PUTS A HAND TO HIS HEAD AND WHIMPERS SLIGHTLY.]

H/C FANS: Oh, we're *so* there. We wish.

[JANET ASKS IF HE'S IN PAIN. DANIEL SNAPS YES, THEN CALMS DOWN A BIT AND ADMITS HE'S IN A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN. JANET PROMISES TO GET HIM SOMETHING FOR THE PAIN, BUT TO REMAIN CALM OR HE'LL HAVE TO BE RESTRAINED FURTHER.]

BDSMERS: How many restraints does Janet have access to? Just asking.

DANIEL: You have no idea who I am, do you?

DANIEL FANS: The body is hot, but the 'tude... not.

[JANET LEAVES AND GOES TO THE OBSERVATION AREA.]

TEAL'C: That is not Daniel Jackson.

AUDIENCE: No, really? Never would have guessed.

HAMMOND: But is he a Goa'uld?

AUDIENCE: Not judging by his fashion sense. Even Nuby's got more style.

JANET: No, Sir. Although at the moment, he's every bit as arrogant.

AUDIENCE: She shoots, she scores!

[HAMMOND ASKS IF DANIEL'S SUFFERING FROM A FORM OF MENTAL ILLNESS. JANET SAYS THAT THE EEG READINGS WERE LIKE NOTHING SHE'S EVER SEEN -- INDICATIONS OF A COMA, BUT ALSO THE SIGNS OF A DOZEN PEOPLE ALL JUMBLED TOGETHER.]

TEAL'C: He is claiming to be a passenger from the crashed alien vessel we discovered on the planet.

HAMMOND: How's that possible?

AUDIENCE: [tsk] Hammond hasn't checked out the Weird Shit-O-Meter recently, has he?

JANET: I have no idea, Sir, but Teal'c is right. And I think we're dealing with more than one passenger. By that I mean Daniel's behavior in the gate room and throughout the preliminary testing was distinctly different than his current behavior. I'd say we've witnessed at least two, maybe even three separate personalities.

HAMMOND: Could there be more?

TEAL'C: We discovered several hundred passengers in cryogenic suspension.

AUDIENCE: Why did they just pick Daniel?

DANIEL FANS: Is that a trick question? Just *look* at the man.

SAM, JACK AND TEAL'C FANS: Hey!

DANIEL FANS: No offense, but we're just sayin'.

[DANIEL THROWS A TRAY AT THE WINDOW, AND THE PEOPLE IN THE ROOM MOVE TO RESTRAIN HIM. TEAL'C WATCHES WITH AN ANGSTY LOOK ON HIS FACE UNTIL DANIEL'S SITTING ON THE BED. HE REPEATS WHAT HAPPENED ON THE SHIP; WHEN HE WOKE UP, THE OTHERS WERE IN THEIR CURRENT STATE. JANET SAYS SHE'S ON HER WAY TO CHECK JACK AND SAM. HAMMOND SUGGESTS TEAL'C GO TO THE INFIRMARY TOO, BUT TEAL'C WON'T LEAVE.]

TEAL'C FANS: Damn right.

[AS TEAL'C WATCHES, SOMEONE GIVES DANIEL SOME CAPSULES TO TAKE.]

DANIEL: I am a sovereign of Talthus. My name is Martice.

MED TECH: I beg your pardon, Sir.

DANIEL: Oh, Sir... well that's a start.

AUDIENCE: He's channeling Evil Danny, isn't he?

DANIEL FANS: Yep!

INT. INFIRMARY

[JANET IS SHINING A PENLIGHT INTO SAM'S EYES. SHE SAYS HER PUPILS ARE STILL A LITTLE DILATED, AS THOUGH THEY WERE STRUCK WITH SOME SORT OF POWERFUL ZAT, BUT THEIR EEGS ARE NORMAL. JACK WAKES UP.]

JANET: How're you feeling, Sir?

JACK: Headache. Bad.

JANET: Well, I can take care of that, but first I need to know if you're feeling... yourself.

SMUTTERS: Can't. Breathe.

AUDIENCE: What? [rereads Janet's line] Oh, geeze. Pervs.

SMUTTERS: Yes? You have a point?

JACK: Well, other than this... nail through my head... fine. Why?

[JANET SAYS SHE'LL EXPLAIN LATER, AND THAT TEAL'C HAD TO CARRY THE THREE OF THEM BACK TO THE GATE. JACK ASKS ABOUT SAM AND DANIEL, JANET TELLS HIM SAM IS SUFFERING THE SAME AFTEREFFECTS AS JACK. SAM WAKES UP.]

SAM: Janet?

JANET: Sam.

[JANET MOVES TO STAND BESIDES SAM'S BED.]

JANET: Hey, it's gonna be fine. You've both suffered some sort of neural shock.

FEMSLASHERS: Um... we'll be in our bunks.

FIREFLY FANS: [sobbing and chanting, "The movie is coming, the movie is coming, believe in the Joss, the Joss is good..."]

[HAMMOND ARRIVES, ASKING HOW THEY'RE DOING.]

JACK: Got a nail in my head, Sir.

HAMMOND: That sounds like our Colonel O'Neill.

AUDIENCE: Unfortunately, yes, it does.

[JANET SAYS THEIR EEGS ARE NORMAL, AND THEY APPEAR TO BE UNAFFECTED.]

JACK: Unaffected by what? Where's Daniel?

SLASHERS: Squee!

[JACK TRIES TO SIT UP, BUT JANET STOPS HIM. JACK GRITS HIS TEETH AND SAYS HE'S FINE, BUT HE CAN'T GET UP AND LIES BACK DOWN.]

INT. LOONEY LAB

[MARTICE IS GETTING FRUSTRATED.]

MARTICE: Just find the small woman and tell her that what she gave me is not good enough. It isn't working!

AUDIENCE: Small woman? Oh, he's *so* gonna get it for that one.

VERTICALLY COMPACT AUDIENCE MEMBERS: Dead man walking, is all we're saying. Especially if he needs more tests.

[JANET RETURNS. MARTICE TELLS HIM HER MEDICINE IS WORTHLESS. THEN HE CLAIMS THAT THE BODY HE'S BORROWING MUST BE DAMAGED.]

DANIEL FANS: [bristle] Them's fightin' words.

JANET: I doubt that. Dr. Jackson was in perfect health.

DANIEL/JANET SHIPPERS: We're *certain* she knows more about his perfectness than your average doctor would.

MARTICE: I assume Dr. Jackson was the former... Not that I have anything against it, mind you. It's younger and stronger than my own. Did something happen to my own body? In times of disaster, people need their sovereign to look up to. How will they recognize me now?

JANET: I've already told you, we didn't do this.

MARTICE: How else could I have arrived in this situation?!

AUDIENCE: We're guessing the phrase "Weird Shit-O-Meter" doesn't translate.

JANET: We don't know.

[MARTICE GETS EXTRA SNOTTY, FINALLY ASKING WHERE THEY ARE.]

JANET: In a military facility on a planet called Earth.

MARTICE: Earth ... the ship was bound for Ardena. How far are we from Ardena?

JANET: I don't know.

MARTICE: The other passengers, they will be concerned for me. As I am for them, of course.

AUDIENCE: Oh, of *course* you are. And we're sure they'd miss you like a rock in their shoe.

JANET: Most of them are still on board the ship. But we think it's possible that several of them may be here with us right now.

MARTICE: As prisoners?

JANET: No. We think they may be right here in this room. We don't know the reason, but somehow several of the passengers who were in cryogenic sleep have...

[JANET TRAILS OFF AS SHE NOTICES THE EXPRESSION ON DANIEL'S FACE CHANGES AND HE ASKS WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

JANET: Martice?

TRYAN: Uh, no, M-Martice is a sovereign. I'm... I'm just a crewmember.

[HE LOOKS AROUND, THEN SEES HIS REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR.]

TRYAN: Is that...

[JANET WALKS UP BEHIND HIM AS HE LOOKS CLOSELY AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR. HE TOUCHES HIS FACE.]

TRYAN: No, no. This is, this is wrong. I mean, yeah, this body's not shabby, but this is a mistake.

DANIEL FANS: Dude, you're trading UP. What IS your problem?

JANET: Yes it is. One that we want to correct. I'm Dr. Fraiser.

TRYAN: I am Tryan, Engineer, second rank.

LATER...

[TEAL'C IS WATCHING FROM THE OBSERVATION ROOM.]

TRYAN: I don't recognize this man... or rather, myself.

JANET: His name is Daniel Jackson. The body you're inhabiting belongs to him.

SLASHERS: No, it belongs to Jack.

DANIEL FANS: Nope, it belongs to us.

NOROMOS: [exasperated] Joint custody. Move on.

TRYAN: He wasn't aboard the Stromos.

JANET: No.

TRYAN: Then how could I have ended up in his body?

DANIEL FANS: Sheer incredible luck?

JANET: Your ship crashed on a planet that we call P2A-347. We don't know how or why the crash occurred, only that the only survivors were those in cryogenic sleep. When Daniel Jackson and the other members of his team boarded your ship, this happened.

TRYAN: I have no memory of coming here.

JANET: What do you remember?

[BEGIN FLASHBACK]

HIGHLANDER FANS: Oh, man, now *we* are having a flashback.

INT. STROMOS

[TRYAN RECALLS BEING ONBOARD THE STROMOS, AND GOING INTO HYPERSLEEP.]

[END FLASHBACK]

TRYAN: Leaving Talthus, entering my sleep chamber, and then... then seeing your face, here. Why am I restrained?

JANET: It wasn't you. You're the fourth personality to emerge since being brought back. We believe that there are others from your ship in there along with you.

AUDIENCE: Fourth? Who've we missed?

TRYAN: No, the strain on the body would be too great. It wouldn't survive.

JANET: Do you know that for certain?

TRYAN: It couldn't happen. The only conceivable result would be insanity.

JANET: Then we should both hope you're wrong.

AUDIENCE: Or that the military has provided Daniel with *stellar* health coverage. No pun intended.

WRITERS: Suuuuuuure there wasn't. And you say *we're* cheesy?

AUDIENCE: Yes. Extra stinky cheese.

DANIEL FANS: On the bright side, at least Crazy Danny is entertaining to watch.

[TRYAN TELLS JANET THAT THIS *CAN'T* HAPPEN, BECAUSE THERE ARE FAILSAFES IN PLACE TO PREVENT SOMEONE RETURNING TO ANOTHER BODY. JANET TELLS HIM TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR, BECAUSE IT *HAS* HAPPENED. JANET SAYS HE'S THE FIRST PERSONALITY THAT'S BEEN HELPFUL, SO SHE ASKS HIM HOW IT COULD HAPPEN.]

TRYAN: A cryosleeper's consciousness is stored in the same memory module that maintains the sleeper's body. There is simply no way to separate them or... send the consciousness to any other than it's corresponding body unless... Oh, no... unless the sleeper's bodies are dead.

AUDIENCE: He just caught the clue bus, didn't he? Or got hit by it.

INT. OBSERVATION ROOM

[HAMMOND, JACK AND SAM JOIN TEAL'C.]

TEAL'C: Yet another personality has emerged. Dr. Fraiser appears to be making progress.

JACK: How'd he get stuck in here?

TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson's preliminary electroencephalogram proved anomalous.

JACK: I dare you to say that again.

AUDIENCE: We triple dog dare you.

[TEAL'C OPENS HIS MOUTH TO SAY IT AGAIN, BUT IS CUT OFF BY HAMMOND.]

HAMMOND: Dr. Fraiser declared a Code 17. Dr. Jackson has been under constant guard and only she and a few of her staff have had any direct contact as a precautionary measure.

SAM: She thought he was a Goa'uld?

HAMMOND: We've since ruled that out, but I'm not taking any chances until we can determine the means by which these additional persons have found their way into Dr. Jackson.

SAM: To do that, I'd have to have another look at their cryogenic systems.

HAMMOND: Schedule a mission briefing with Dr. Frasier as soon as possible.

JACK: With your permission, Sir, I'd like to stick it out here with Daniel.

SLASHERS: [supersonic squee of epic proportions]

S/J SHIPPERS: [mumble, mutter, bitch, whine]

NOROMOS: Eh? We can't hear anything now, just this weird humming noise.

[HAMMOND OKAYS JACK STAYING, THEN HAMMOND LEAVES. SAM AND TEAL'C LEAVE, AND JACK TAKES TEAL'C'S SEAT.]

INT. LOONEY LAB

TRYAN: There's simply no other way this could've happened. Only then can the failsafes be overridden and the consciousness purged from the system. I am dead. As are the others who may reside in this body.

[JANET SAYS THEY CAN'T BE SURE UNTIL THEY MAKE A TRIP BACK TO THE PLANET, THEN ASKS WHY THE CONSCIOUSNESS IS REMOVED FROM THE BODY DURING CRYOSLEEP. TRYAN EXPLAINS THAT THE "ESSENCE" OF THE PERSON COULD NOT SURVIVE OTHERWISE.

JANET: So the memory requirement must be enormous.

AUDIENCE: Not if they were storing someone with the level of intellect Jack's been displaying lately.

[TRYAN TECHNOBABBLES ABOUT HOW EACH CAPSULE HAS A MEMORY MODULE TO STORE A SINGLE MIND. JANET SUGGESTS IT MIGHT BE POSSIBLE TO UPLOAD THEIR CONSCIOUSNESS BACK INTO THAT MEMORY, BUT TRYAN SAYS EACH MODULE CAN ONLY STORE ONE MIND. JANET SUGGEST DOING IT ONE AT A TIME, AND THE AUDIENCE IGNORES THE SMUTTERS SNICKERING IN THE BACKGROUND.]

TRYAN: No. That's not possible. Here...

[HE PICKS UP A GLASS OF WATER AND ASKS IF THE SAME WATER MOLECULES COULD EVER BE RETURNED TO THIS GLASS, IN PRECISELY THE SAME CONFIGURATION, THEN POURS THE WATER BACK INTO THE PITCHER.]

TRYAN: Our minds have been blended together. Poured into one vessel, ill equipped to sustain our volume.

JANET: Yeah, but if the computers on board your ship can separate the human consciousness from the body, then surely they can isolate the...

[TRYAN SAYS HE CAN HEAR THE VOICES OF THE OTHERS, AND THEY'RE GETTING LOUDER. JANET SAYS SHE DOUBTS THE OTHERS CAN HELP AS MUCH AS TRYAN, BUT HE SAYS NO ONE CAN HELP.]

AUDIENCE: Bit defeatist aren't ya?

TRYAN: They're pulling at me now. I don't - I don't know how...

DANIEL: Janet?

JANET: Daniel?

DANIEL: What's going on?

JANET: Look, something has happened. I need you to just...

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SCENE TRANSITIONS TO TEAL'C, SAM, HAMMOND AND JANET WATCHING THE VIDEO OF DANIEL'S PERSONALITY COMING FORWARD.]

JANET: That was it. A moment later, another person emerged, but we didn't learn anything from her. So, he only surfaced for a moment, but it was definitely Daniel.

DANIEL FANS: Doc, we love you, but sometimes... Really! What woman chained inside Daniel Jackson's body would be interested in *talking?* She asked for a moment alone to check out the, ah, *surroundings*, didn't she? C'mon... you can share with us! Please?

SAM: At least we know he's still in there.

SLASHERS: And Jack's worried enough about the company he's keeping to play hooky on this conference.

[JANET EXPLAINS THAT SHE AND DR. MCKENZIE THINK DANIEL IS IN A SORT OF A COMA, AS THOUGH HIS OWN CONSCIOUSNESS HAS RETREATED TO PROTECT ITSELF. THEY ALSO THINK DANIEL MIGHT BE CARRYING AS MANY AS A DOZEN OTHER MINDS.]

SAM: Sir, it's possible I could reconfigure the ship's systems to separate Daniel.

HAMMOND: The last time you went on that ship, you were attacked.

SAM: It may have been automated defenses.

TEAL'C: I think not, Major Carter. I discovered Daniel Jackson at the base of one of the sleep chambers. The door was open.

SAM: There's no way Daniel would have stepped into one of those things on his own.

DANIEL FANS: Oh, come on, this is *Daniel*, the King of Getting in Trouble for Touching Things.

SLASHERS: ...That aren't Jack.

[TEAL'C SAYS SOMEONE ELSE MUST HAVE PUT DANIEL IN THE POD, AND MAY HAVE INTENDED TO DO THE SAME TO THE REST OF THEM, BUT TEAL'C WOKE UP BEFORE THEY COULD DO SO. SAM WONDERS WHY ANYONE WOULD DO SUCH A THING. JANET TELLS THEM TRYAN SEEMED CERTAIN THAT HIS PHYSICAL BODY WAS DEAD, AND PERHAPS THIS WAS A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO PRESERVE THE DEAD PEOPLE. DANIEL'S A LIFEBOAT, HENCE THE EP TITLE. SAM RECOMMENDS SG-12 GO BACK WITH THEM TO SEARCH THE SHIP WHILE SHE STUDIES THE CRYOGENIC SYSTEMS.]

INT. LOONEY LAB

[ANOTHER PERSONALITY EMERGES, AS JACK WATCHES FROM THE OBSERVATION ROOM.]

AUDIENCE: So basically they filmed RDA for like ten minutes, just sitting in a chair all by his lonesome, then cut it so it would look like Jack was actually there?

WRITERS: Yep.

FRIENDSHIPPERS: At least it looks like Jack gives a rat's hind end about Daniel for a change.

WRITERS: It was an accident. Don't get used to it.

[THE LATEST PERSONALITY IS A YOUNG BOY NAMED KEENIN. DANIEL FANS, SMUTTERS AND SLASHERS ARE DISTURBED OVER WHETHER OR NOT THIS MAKES DANIEL JAIL BAIT OR NOT. NOROMOS RATHER LOUDLY EXCUSE THEMSELVES FOR SNACKS.]

INT. GATEROOM

[SG-12 HEADS OUT, WHILE HAMMOND TELLS SAM AND TEAL'C HE KNOWS THEY'LL DO EVERYTHING THEY CAN FOR DANIEL, BUT THE LAST THING THEY NEED IS FOR ANYTHING TO HAPPEN TO THE TWO OF THEM.]

SAM/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: We have a few ideas on what could happen.

AUDIENCE: So SG-12 is totally expendable?

WRITERS: Look. At. The. Title.

AUDIENCE: We. Wish. You. Would.

STARGATE: Word.

INT. LOONEY LAB

[JANET ASKS KEENIN ABOUT THE LAST THING HE REMEMBERS, AND HE HAS A FLASHBACK. HIS FATHER, PHARRIN, IS PLACING HIM IN A CRYO POD. KEENIN ASKS WHY HE CAN'T WAIT WITH HIS FATHER, BUT HE TELLS HIM THAT HE'LL BE SAFER IN THE POD WHILE THE SHIP ACCELERATES TO ESCAPE A RADIATION FLARE. HE TELLS HIM HE'LL DREAM SWEET DREAMS, AND WHEN HE WAKES UP, THEY'LL BE AT THEIR NEW HOME. HUNDREDS OF YEARS WILL HAVE PASSED, AND ALL THIS WILL BE OVER. FLASHBACK ENDS.]

HIGHLANDER FANS: You know, flashbacks are much more fun with Fitz.

KEENIN: I didn't want to go. I wanted to stay on Talthus.

JANET: So, you had to leave.

KEENIN: They knew it was going to happen since a long time before I was born. Do you know what a dark star is?

JANET: Mm-hmm... one that's burned out it's fuel.

KEENIN: They said it would pass close enough to our sun to make it flare and that it would engulf Talthus. I knew my whole life that the world was gonna end.

JANET: So, your people built the Stromos?

KEENIN: They built three ships, including the Stromos. But it wasn't enough. They had a lottery and they said that was the only fair way, but my father was an officer on the Stromos... so he was allowed to pick one person from his family. My mother made him choose me. My mother said she would take her chance with the lottery, but she wasn't chosen. The sovereigns were chosen, but she wasn't chosen. No one I knew was chosen. I wanted to stay with her.

[KEENIN'S CRYING, AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN JANET'S LAP, WHILE JACK LOOKS ON FROM THE OBSERVATION ROOM.]

DANIEL/JANET SHIPPERS: Squee! Hey, wait, it's not really Daniel, so we're changing our votes to an "awwwww."

SLASHERS: Jack can't be jealous, since Daniel's not really in control at the moment.

SMUTTERS: And usually he loves it when Daniel's not in control.

[JANET TRIES TO SOOTH KEENIN, BUT MARTICE'S PERSONALITY COMES FORWARD AND ACTS PISSY, RUINING THE MOMENT.]

INT. STROMOS

[SAM SAYS THE POWER LEVELS ARE LOW, AND SHE'S NOT EVEN SURE HOW IT COULD STILL BE WORKING. TEAL'C SUGGESTS REVIVING ONE OF THE PEOPLE TO HELP, BUT SAM DOESN'T THINK THERE'S ENOUGH POWER TO DO EVEN THAT.]

INT. LOONEY LAB

[MARTICE IS SPEAKING AGAIN, BEING A ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS.]

MARTICE: I demand to speak to someone in authority.

JANET: Well, I'm sorry. You're stuck with me.

MARTICE: Why have you involved the boy in this?

JANET: What boy?

MARTICE: The boy. You were just talking to him. Where is he?

INT. STROMOS

[SAM AND TEAL'C ARE STILL WORKING.]

SAM: If we don't get these systems hooked up to another power source soon, these people are going die. We'll need a naquadah generator and I'll have to build some...

[TEAL'C PUTS UP A HAND TO SILENCE HER.]

AUDIENCE: Whoa. Her technobabble wasn't *that* bad. Yet.

[THEY HEAR QUIET FOOTSTEPS. TEAL'C MOVES TO STAND BEHIND THE WALL WHERE THE FOOTSTEPS ARE APPROACHING, SAM CONTINUES HER SPIEL.]

SAM: One generator should be enough.

NOROMOS: It wouldn't be enough to keep the *other* ship going. [rim shot]

SLASHERS: Rim shot? What? Where?

NOROMOS: Pervs.

[PHARRIN COMES AROUND THE CORNER WITH A WEAPON IN HAND. TEAL'C GRABS HIM AND HOLDS HIM UP AGAINST THE WALL BY HIS THROAT WHILE SAM AIMS HER WEAPON AT HIM.]

PHARRIN: Please, don't hurt us.

AUDIENCE: Looks like Teal'c already putting some hurt on him.

INT. LOONEY LAB

[MARTICE IS STUMBLING AROUND, HOLDING HIS HANDS OVER HIS EARS.]

MARTICE: Tell them to stop shouting! It is unendurable!

[JANET EXPLAINS THAT SHE CAN'T HEAR THEM, THAT THEY'RE IN HIS MIND.]

MARTICE: No. No. No, no, no, no, no, what you say cannot be so. Uh... I have responsibilities to attend to. I, uh, cannot remain here.

JANET: You cannot leave.

MARTICE: Three thousand of our people depend on me to lead them. I am their sovereign. They have sworn an oath to me.

JANET: I'm sorry.

AUDIENCE: So are we. Poor people, having to swear an oath to this git.

MARTICE: It is my destiny to rule over Ardena!

AUDIENCE: You're so very *not* on Ardena, so shut the frell up.

MARTICE: And you still don't realize who you are talking to!

JANET: I don't give a damn! You don't belong in that man's body and I intend to take it back!

AUDIENCE: Go Janet!

DANIEL FANS: We'd say slap him, but it *is* Daniel's body.

BDSMERS: And you have to have his permission first.

DANIEL/JANET SHIPPERS: She's going take back his body? Oh, we're so very there for that one.

NOROMOS: PLEASE make it stop. We're begging here.

INT. STROMOS

[SAM AND TEAL'C QUESTION PHARRIN. HE TELLS THEM HE'S THE ONLY ONE AWAKE, AND SAYS THERE WAS NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO USE DANIEL AS A LIFEBOAT AND THEY MUST DO THE SAME.]

SAM: I don't think so.

AUDIENCE: Send Jack over, looks like he's got plenty of room for visitors in his brain.

[PHARRIN, OR RATHER THE PERSONALITY NOW IN CONTROL, SAYS THE POWER IS FAILING, BUT IF THEY EACH CARRY A HANDFUL OF SOULS THEY CAN ROUTE THE REMAINING POWER TO THE OTHERS.]

SAM: That's not going to happen.

DANIEL FANS: Nah, nobody does crazy quite like Daniel.

PHARRIN: We do not know how many more we can accommodate.

[WHEN SAM QUESTIONS HIM ABOUT "WE" HE PUTS A HAND TO HIS TEMPLE. THEY REALIZE HE'S CARRYING THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF MANY.]

TEAL'C: To what end do you attempt to preserve the life of these people? Their bodies are dead.

PHARRIN: We are the last of an entire world. The other ships will come. We have sent a message. They will hear it and they will come. And when they do, they will find a way to restore us.

TEAL'C: Why did you not attempt to revive the others?

[BEGIN FLASHBACK]

HIGHLANDER FANS: If not Fitz, could we at least have *Methos?*

WRITERS: There. Is. No. Methos. Here.

HIGHLANDER FANS: If you insist... "Hebron" then. We know who it really is.

REST OF AUDIENCE: Such GEEKS.

HIGHLANDER FANS: Pot. Kettle. Black.

[PHARRIN EXPLAINS THAT THEY DON'T KNOW WHY THE SHIP CRASHED, BUT AFTER IT HAPPENED, HE WAS REVIVED BY THE COMPUTER. BUT THE DRAIN ON THE SYSTEM CAUSED A POWER FAILURE TO TWELVE OF THE CHAMBERS. HE ONLY HAD MINUTES TO RESTORE POWER, BUT THERE WASN'T ENOUGH TIME. THE ONLY OTHER CHOICE WAS TO TRANSFER THEM INTO SOMEONE ELSE.]

[END FLASHBACK]

PHARRIN: There are over a thousand souls aboard the Stromos. If Pharrin had attempted to revive the others, then many more may have died.

SAM: Even one person to share the burden...

PHARRIN: Pharrin walked as far as he could see. There was little more than rock! Neither was there sufficient water or food remaining aboard after the crash. Pharrin dare not revive another soul. We are not alone. We live in a democracy of one. It is strange, yes. But we are the chosen survivors of an entire race. How could Pharrin have allowed even one of us to be lost?

[SAM SAYS THEY COULD HAVE HELPED, AND PHARRIN'S OTHER PERSONALITIES START ARGUING WITH EACH OTHER... THEY SHOULD HAVE ASKED... COULDN'T TAKE THE CHANCE... ETC.]

AUDIENCE: Gollum did it better.

LORD OF THE RINGS FANS: Damn right.

GOLLUM: Thank you, my Precious.

PHARRIN: You... would never have consented... would you?

TEAL'C: We would not.

PHARRIN: Then... we chose correctly.

AUDIENCE: Not exactly winning points with us.

[BEGIN FLASHBACK]

HIGHLANDER FANS: How about...

REST OF AUDIENCE: Let it go!

HIGHLANDER FANS: [pout]

[WE SEE THE TEAM'S FIRST ARRIVAL FROM PHARRIN'S PERSPECTIVE.]

PHARRIN: Our mistake was to flee when you revived so quickly from our stun weapon and returned for your friends. But too many of us were afraid.

[WE SEE PHARRIN HIDING, WATCHING AS TEAL'C KNEELS DOWN BESIDE DANIEL.]

[END FLASHBACK]

[SAM EXPLAINS THERE ARE OTHER WAYS THEY COULD HELP, SUCH AS BRINGING IN A POWER SOURCE TO KEEP THE SYSTEM RUNNING. PHARRIN'S PERSONALITIES START DEBATING AGAIN. SAM INTERRUPTS BY TELLING HIM... ER... THEM... THEY CAN TAKE THEM ANYWHERE THEY WANT TO GO, LIKE AS ARDENA.]

PHARRIN: You have a ship?

NOROMOS: Oh, does she *ever*.

SAM: We know of a device capable of transporting all your people, instantaneously, to any number of worlds. We call it a Stargate.

AUDIENCE: How can she promise to get them to Ardena when she doesn't know if there's a gate there?

PHARRIN: Such a device is not possible.

AUDIENCE: It's also possible that we'll rarely if ever get to see it on a show with its name in the title.

[SAM SAYS TO COME BACK WITH THEM AND SHE'LL PROVE IT, WHILE TEAL'C ADDS THEY WILL ONLY DO THIS IF DANIEL'S EXTRA PASSENGERS ARE REMOVED.]

PHARRIN: He is preserving life.

TEAL'C: At the expense of his own, against his will!

FRIENDSHIPPERS FANS: Teal'c's da man!

PHARRIN: Please ... do not ask us to do this.

SAM: We're not asking.

[PHARRIN PLEADS FOR THE LIVES OF THOSE DANIEL CARRIES, SAYING THEY ARE AMONGST THE MOST PRECIOUS OF ALL. TEAL'C SAYS THEIR FRIEND IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO THEM.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: OK, we so very *heart* Teal'c now. Now if only we can get Jack to work on a full-time basis.

[PHARRIN ANGSTS SOME MORE, WHILE SAM ASKS IF IT'S POSSIBLE TO UNDO WHAT'S BEEN DONE TO DANIEL. PHARRIN'S PASSENGERS HAVE YET ANOTHER DEBATE.]

AUDIENCE: This guy is starting to give us one of the "nail in the head" headaches Jack mentioned earlier.

PHARRIN: There is a way.

SAM: Do you understand that what we're offering could save everyone on this ship?

PHARRIN: And do you understand that one of the souls that your friend carries within him... is my son?

AUDIENCE: Ouch. We have a bad feeling about this.

INT. LOONEY LAB

[HAMMOND HAS JOINED JACK IN THE OBSERVATION ROOM, AS THEY WATCH JANET DEALING WITH DANIEL, OR RATHER, WHOEVER'S IN CHARGE AT THE MOMENT.]

DANIEL: Please... why does it hurt so much?

[JANET ORDERS A NURSE TO GET SOMETHING, BUT ANOTHER PERSONALITY COMES OUT, AND IS MUCH CALMER.]

DANIEL: That won't be necessary, Dr. Fraiser. I seem to have a higher threshold for pain than the others.

JANET: Tryan?

TRYAN: Yes.

[SAM STEPS INTO THE LOONEY LAB, AND ASKS TO HAVE A PRIVATE WORD WITH JANET.]

FEMSLASHERS: [perk]

[TEAL'C JOINS JACK AND HAMMOND IN THE OBSERVATION ROOM. JACK ASKS TEAL'C IF HE TRUSTS PHARRIN, AND TEAL'C SAYS THAT HE HAS MUCH TO GAIN BY HELPING. THE DOOR TO THE LOONEY LAB OPENS; PHARRIN IS AT THE DOOR, FOLLOWED BY SAM AND JANET. TRYAN REACTS IMMEDIATELY.]

TRYAN: Officer Pharrin, Sir. Engineer Tryan, second rank.

PHARRIN: Tryan... of course. Of all of our crew, you would have thought this was not possible.

TRYAN: And of all our crew, Sir, you're the one who'd find a way to do it.

[TRYAN AND PHARRIN CATCH UP ON WHAT HAPPENED TO THE STROMOS AND ITS PASSENGERS. PHARRIN TELLS THEM THEY MIGHT BE SAVED, BUT NOT WITHOUT CONSIDERABLE SACRIFICE TO TRYAN AND THE OTHERS THAT RESIDE IN DANIEL. HE TELLS TRYAN ABOUT THE STARGATE, AND THAT THE SGC WILL TRANSPORT THEM, BUT ONLY IF THEIR FRIEND IS RETURNED TO THEM.]

TRYAN: I will do whatever is necessary, Sir. Whatever you ask of me.

BDSMERS: Oooh, he's well trained, isn't he?

[THE ROYAL PAIN IN THE ASS COMES OUT TO PLAY.]

MARTICE: No! There will be no sacrifice of any kind! Officer Pharrin, as your sovereign, I demand you return me to the ship immediately.

[PHARRIN'S PERSONALITIES SAY THEY HAVE SWORN AN OATH TO THEIR SOVEREIGN, AND THEY MUST OBEY HIM. HE KNEELS IN FRONT OF MARTICE. JACK HAS FINALLY HAD ENOUGH, AND GOES INTO THE LOONEY LAB AND YELLS AT PHARRIN.]

JACK: Your sovereign's dead! Get up!

AUDIENCE: Besides, what happened to the democracy of one?

PHARRIN: His soul lives on.

JACK: Not if I cut him out!

PHARRIN: You would not.

JACK: Oh, yes I would.

AUDIENCE: Um, *how* exactly?

WRITERS: Never mind that. It happens offscreen. Or something.

SLASHERS: For Daniel, he'd manage.

FEMSLASHERS: Yeah, he writes the check and expects Sam and Janet to cash it. Again.

[JACK TELLS PHARRIN TO DO WHAT HE CAME HERE TO DO. PHARRIN TELLS MARTICE IT IS THE ONLY WAY TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE.]

MARTICE: I will not surrender this body, not at any cost. It is mine.

AUDIENCE: We know it's quite lovely, but we think there are several people who would disagree with that claim of ownership.

DANIEL FANS: Damn straight.

SLASHERS: If you'll pardon the pun.

SHIPPERS & NOROMOS: We won't.

[THE PERSONALITIES IN DANIEL BEGIN ARGUING. MARTICE IS STILL BEING AN ASS. PHARRIN SAYS THEY HAVE FOUGHT FOR TWELVE YEARS TO SAVE THEIR PEOPLE, AND WILL DO ANYTHING, NO MATTER HOW GREAT THE SACRIFICE. DANIEL LOWERS HIS HEAD, AND ANOTHER PERSONALITY EMERGES.]

KEENIN: Father?

AUDIENCE: Damn. Did Martice manage to force Keenin to the front on purpose? Bastard.

[PHARRIN TELLS KEENIN HE MUST SACRIFICE AS WELL, BUT THEY WILL ALL BE TOGETHER.]

INT. STROMOS

[PHARRIN IS IN ONE CHAMBER, DANIEL IS IN ANOTHER.]

JANET: There's no way to tell, yet, if they all made it into Pharrin, but Daniel's readings are back to normal.

JACK: How'd you do that?

JANET: I wasn't me, Sir. It was Daniel. His consciousness protected itself, and he never emerged for more than a few seconds. That's what allowed Pharrin to separate the others from Daniel and absorb them himself.

[JANET SAYS PHARRIN WILL STAY IN SUSPENDED ANIMATION UNTIL THE OTHER PASSENGERS CAN BE REVIVED TO TAKE CARE OF HIM... THEM. THE LIGHTS GET BRIGHTER, THEN SAM AND TEAL'C JOIN THEM.]

SAM: The naquadah generator will sustain the power, Sir.

TEAL'C: We should be able to begin the restoration process within hours.

SAM: And we can start relocating them shortly after that.

JACK: Good. We'll leave that for SG-4. They love that kinda stuff.

AUDIENCE: Last time we checked, SG-4 was the Russian team, right?

SG-4: Da, and we *hate* this kind of stuff.

[JANET SAYS DANIEL MAY BE OUT FOR A WHILE, BUT HE SEEMS TO BE WAKING UP, BARELY OPENING HIS EYES.]

DANIEL: What?

JACK: Daniel? Is that you?

DANIEL: Jack?

SLASHERS: [sigh]

JACK: How ya doin'?

DANIEL: Hmm... bad headache.

JACK: Nail-in-the-head kinda thing?

DANIEL: Yeah... something like that.

JACK: Yeah.

HURT/COMFORT FANS: Yeah.

AUDIENCE: We're kinda disappointed. For a Crazy Danny episode, we really only saw Daniel for a few minutes. After the first few minutes, he sorta hung up a "Back in 45 minutes" sign.

BDSMERS: We're disappointed too. We were expecting the use of a lot more restraints. Hopeful, anyway.


FADE OUT


NEXT WEEK, ENEMY MINE, WHERE SLASHERS GO TO THEIR HAPPY PLACE.

SLASHERS: Compared to our usual Bad Place. We own condos there now. Nice view of the River Denial, where we can splash in the Shallow End 24/7.
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