7.05 Revisions by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Revisions, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. Pay no attention to the little green characters making up machine code from The Matrix as they drop down your screen. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine.
Previously on Stargate SG-1... Once upon a time, there was this Big Round Thing. Our heroes went through it to explore other worlds and meet new people. Apparently this episode is its one contractual obligation to appear for the season.

WRITERS: Damn straight. The bitch wants a pay raise.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM

[SAM'S SITTING AT A COMPUTER CONSOLE WHEN DANIEL APPROACHES.]

DANIEL: What's going on?

SAM: We're getting MALP telemetry from P3X-289. Atmosphere is completely toxic. Sulfur dioxide, carbon monoxide, methane, ammonia.

AUDIENCE: We're what, less than five minutes into an ep and Sam's starting off with technobabble? This doesn't bode well.

[DANIEL AND SAM AGREE IF A GATE IS THERE, THERE WAS PROBABLY LIFE THERE AT ONE POINT. ON THE MONITOR, WE SEE AN IMAGE OF A DOME IN THE DISTANCE. THE MALP GETS CLOSE AND FINALLY PUTS ITS ARM THROUGH THE BARRIER.]

AUDIENCE: We could go with the whole sexual metaphor thing again, but apparently the writers aren't familiar with Freud.

WRITERS: Freud? Isn't that the name of a cigar brand?

SLASHERS: They said cigar! [snicker]

[THE MALP CONTINUES FORWARD THROUGH THE BARRIER AND LOSES CONTACT WITH THE SGC. SAM CALLS UP THE LAST IMAGE FROM THE MALP... GREEN GRASS, TREES, AND OTHER SIGNS OF LIFE.]

DANIEL: How is that possible?

SAM: I have no idea.

AUDIENCE: [faint]

INT. GATE CONTROL ROOM... LATER, AFTER THE AUDIENCE WAS AWAKENED WITH SMELLING SALTS

[SG-1 HAS GONE THROUGH THE GATE IN HAZMAT SUITS AND IS REPORTING BACK TO HAMMOND. SAM SAYS THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO WITHSTAND TWELVE HOURS OF EXPOSURE IN THE HARSH ENVIRONMENT OUTSIDE THE DOME.]

JACK (via radio): Shouldn't be a problem, Sir. We can make it to the dome and back inside an hour.

AUDIENCE: Less the time for commercials.

EXT. P3X-289

[SG-1 APPROACHES THE DOME, LOOKING VERY STYLISH IN THEIR RED HAZMAT SUITS.]

AUDIENCE: Who wants to bet that RDA's stand in filmed these scenes?

WRITERS: No bet.

[AS THEY GET CLOSER, THEY FEEL A STATIC CHARGE.]

DANIEL: Yeah, I can feel it.

DANIEL FANS: We'd like to feel "it" too... er... was that our out loud voice?

[THE TEAM STEPS THROUGH AND FIND A NORMAL ATMOSPHERE IN THE DOME. THE INSIDE APPEARS TO BE A HOLOGRAM AND IT CLEANED THEIR SUITS WHEN THEY WALKED THROUGH. THE TEAM TAKES OFF THEIR HOODS.]

DANIEL FANS: Bed head! Yes!

SLASHERS: Bed? Did we missing something?

[THEY CHECK THE MALP, WHICH IS STILL FUNCTIONING, BUT APPARENTLY THE BARRIER BLOCKED THE SIGNAL. THEY HEAR A TWIG SNAP, AND THEY FIND A YOUNG BOY WATCHING THEM FROM BEHIND A TREE.

NEVIN: I'm called Nevin.

JACK: Hello, Nevin. I'm Jack. That's Sam, Daniel and Teal'c.

NEVIN: You wear strange clothes.

JACK: Caught us on a bad day.

SLASHERS: Yeah, Daniel won't let him wear certain clothes outside.

[THEY ASK THE BOY TO TAKE THEM TO WHERE HE LIVES. APPARENTLY THIS KID HASN'T HEARD THE "NEVER TALK TO STRANGERS" RULE, AND SUGGESTS A TRADE FOR THE INFORMATION.]

LATER...

[THE TEAM IS OUT OF THEIR HAZMAT SUITS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY THEY HAD OTHER CLOTHES ON UNDERNEATH. NEVIN HAS LED THEM TO TOWN, WEARING ONE OF THE SUITS AND CARRYING THE HELMET.]

AUDIENCE: Um... so without the suit, how will all four of them get out if there's an emergency? Because we know there's *always* an emergency.

[NEVIN INTRODUCES THE TEAM TO HIS FATHER, KENDRICK, WHO HAS A SMALL METALLIC OBJECT ATTACHED TO HIS TEMPLE, AS DO ALL THE OTHER ADULTS. KENDRICK TELLS THEM THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE THE ONLY SURVIVORS, AND TAKES THEM TO SEE THE COUNCIL.]

INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER

[THREE MEN AND ONE WOMAN ARE SEATED AT A TABLE IN FRONT OF SG-1, WHILE A CROWD OF PEOPLE WATCH THROUGH THE WINDOWS.]

AUDIENCE: A whole town of Peeping Toms?

SMUTTERS: Oh, wow. When can we move there?

[THE COUNCIL QUESTIONS THE TEAM ABOUT WHERE THEY CAME FROM, AND HOW THEY SURVIVED IN THE ATMOSPHERE OUTSIDE THE DOME. DANIEL EXPLAINS ABOUT THE STARGATE, AND SAYS THERE MUST BE SOME HISTORICAL REFERENCE TO THE GATE.]

AUDIENCE: Why? It's not like everyone on Earth knew about it. And even the writers ignore it as much as possible nowadays.

COUNCIL MEMBER #4: One moment, please...

AUDIENCE: What, is he putting them on hold?

[THE COUNCIL MEMBER TOUCHES THE DEVICE ON HIS TEMPLE, AND ALL THE CITIZENS STOP.]

COUNCIL MEMBER #4: The Gate of Magh Mar. Discovered 563 years ago.

COUNCIL MAN #3: Believed to have been of ritual significance in the worship of the goddess Morrigan.

COUNCIL WOMAN: Taken from the ruins of Danaan and put on display in the national museum of history.

SAM: So, you do know about the gate.

AUDIENCE: Like, duh, smartypants.

COUNCIL WOMAN: We do now.

COUNCIL MAN #4: We've accessed the relevant information through the link. It's a direct neural interface with a databank.

COUNCIL WOMAN: The link contains the sum total of our knowledge and wisdom. All our history, our culture, our science... everything.

SAM: And you can simply call up this information whenever you need it?

COUNCIL WOMAN: Precisely.

AUDIENCE: Taking bets now on whether Sam or Daniel squees in delight first. There might even be dancing involved.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: Really?!

NOROMOS: We're getting tired of saying it, but [sigh].

EXT. P3X-289

[JACK AND TEAL'C SEND THE MALP PARTWAY THROUGH THE BARRIER IN ORDER TO ATTEMPT A CONTACT WITH THE SGC. ONCE ESTABLISHED, JACK REPORTS TO HAMMOND, BUT WITH A DISTINCT DRAWL TO HIS VOICE.]

AUDIENCE: Did Jack's Cosmic Giddiness (tm) take a vacation in Texas or what?

BBE WRITER: As I Texan, I can say that *ain't* a proper Texas accent. But Jack can visit whenever he wants, sans Cosmic Giddiness (tm). I'd prefer Daniel and/or Teal'c, but I'm not going to be too choosy when opportunity knocks.

[JACK REPORTS THE DOME IS INHABITED, BUT THE PEOPLE ARE A BIT ODD.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, that's rich. Pot. Kettle. Black.

JACK: They're going to show Carter all the technical stuff tomorrow. In the meantime, they've offered to put us up for the night.

SLASHERS AND SHIPPERS: We wonder what the sleeping arrangements will be like?

NOROMOS: Stop. Just. Stop.

SATAN: Yeah, I don't have enough longjohns for this sort of thing and I never learned to ice skate.

INT. KENDRICK'S HOME, IN THE EVENING

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE DINING WITH KENDRICK AND NEVIN.]

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Indeed, baybee, indeed.

[NEVIN PESTERS THE HELL OUT OF JACK, ASKING QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW MANY PLANETS HE'S BEEN TO, ETC. JACK ASKS TEAL'C IF IT'S TOO LATE TO PITCH A TENT.]

AUDIENCE: Cosmic Giddiness (tm) bites Jack on the ass once again.

SLASHERS: Wha? We *so* missed a scene. And a tent *would* allow for a lot more privacy.

INT. PALLAN AND EVALLA'S HOME, IN THE EVENING

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE DINING WITH THE COUPLE.]

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: [dancing around in circles] Yes, yes, yes!

[PALLAN EXPLAINS THE DOME DRAWS POWER FROM GEOTHERMAL VENTS. HE'S ONE OF THE TECHS WHO MAINTAINS THE SYSTEM. DANIELS SAYS THEY HAVE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGY, YET THEIR LEVEL OF ARCHITECTURE SEEMS OUT OF STEP WITH THEIR TECH. EVALLA EXPLAINS THAT TECHNOLOGY DESTROYED THEIR WORLD, AND THE SURVIVORS MADE THE CHOICE TO SIMPLIFY THEIR LIVES.]

DANIEL: We have our own environmental problems. Perhaps if we learned about your history, it might help us avoid a similar fate.

EVALLA: Well, the easiest way for you to learn about our history is through the link.

[EVALLA TAKES OFF HER LINK AND GIVES IT TO DANIEL.]

DANIEL: Is that possible?

EVALLA: Of course. Thousands of historical books are on file.

SAM: Uh... maybe that isn't such a good idea. We have no way of knowing if our brain physiology if compatible with the technology. Besides, Colonel O'Neill has this rule about Daniel touching things that aren't him.

PALLAN: Ah...

SLASHERS: Yeah, ah.

DANIEL: Thanks though ... maybe later.

AUDIENCE: It's still rather a tie over which one is more excited about the possibilities of the link, so nobody won the bet.

BDSMERS: Did someone say tie?

INT. COUNCIL WOMAN'S HOUSE

[THE COUNCIL WOMAN IS SLEEPING, BUT SUDDENLY AWAKENS AND PACKS A SUITCASE. WE SEE HER WALK DOWN AN ALLEY AND THROUGH THE BARRIER.]

AUDIENCE: Someone overdid the PMS thing, eh?

EXT. P3X-289, THE NEXT DAY

[JACK AWAKENS TO SEE NEVIN STARING AT HIM WEARING HIS HAZMAT SUIT.]

JACK: Hello Nevin.

NEVIN: I'm not Nevin. I'm Colonel O'Neill from Stargate Command.

AUDIENCE: Oh god, no. Not another one.

[JACK ASKS NEVIN TO TAKE OFF THE HOOD, AND HE DOES. KENDRICK COMES INTO THE ROOM AND TELLS HIM IT'S TIME FOR SCHOOL. NEVIN ASKS IF HE CAN BE AN EXPLORER WHEN HE GROWS UP, AND HIS FATHER SAYS THEY'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER.]

AUDIENCE: Considering the current first contact team has been doing precious little exploring recently, Nevin might want to rethink his career choice.

EXT. P3X-289

[SAM AND PALLAN ARE WALKING THROUGH TOWN. PALLAN SAYS NO ONE HAS BEEN OUTSIDE THE DOME IN OVER 400 YEARS. THEY CONTINUE TO MONITOR THE TOXICITY, BUT THEY'VE NEVER SEEN IT, THOUGH THE LINK HAS SHOWN THEM WHAT IT USED TO BE LIKE. SAM TELLS HIM THERE'S NOTHING LEFT BUT RUBBLE.

PALLAN: I suppose that's why they created this.

[HE TOSSES A ROCK DOWN AN ARCHED TUNNEL. IT APPEARS TO BE MORE TOWN ON THE OTHER SIDE, BUT THE ROCK PASSES THROUGH THE BARRIER HOLOGRAM. SAM ASKS TO SEE HOW IT'S MADE, AND PALLAN TAKES HER TO THE CONTROL ROOM.]

ELSEWHERE ON P3X-289...

[EVALLA TAKES DANIEL TO A ROOM FILLED WITH BOOKS. IT LOOKS AS IF NO ONE HAS USED THEM IN QUITE SOME TIME. DANIEL TRIES NOT TO DROOL ON ANY OF THEM OR GAPE IN AN UNSEEMLY MANNER. HE SAYS THE LANGUAGE IS SIMILAR TO SOMETHING THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE, AND ASKS FOR EVALLA TO HELP IN THE TRANSLATION.]

AUDIENCE: Surely she's able to read the language. If not, the link can instantly give her the ability, then she can read it all to Daniel, since they ditched the idea of aliens speaking an *alien* language.

WRITERS: Um. Well. [all of them scratch their heads] Um.

SERIES BIBLE (from the trash bin): Ha!

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[MEANWHILE, SAM'S TRYING NOT TO DROOL ON THE MACHINERY AS PALLAN GIVES HER A TOUR. AS HE GOES TO CHECK ON HIS CONSOLE, SAM IS LOOKING AT THREE DISPLAYS. THEY ALL GO BLACK AND SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE MACHINE CODE APPEARS. SAM ASKS FOR PALLAN, BUT HE DOESN'T RESPOND.]

AUDIENCE: The Matrix has you.

INT. LIBRARY ROOM

[DANIEL ASKS EVALLA A QUESTION, BUT SHE'S UNRESPONSIVE, STARING OFF INTO SPACE.]

AUDIENCE: What is the Matrix?

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[THE DISPLAYS RETURN TO NORMAL.]

INT. LIBRARY ROOM

[EVALLA'S BACK TO NORMAL, BUT DOESN'T SEEM TO REALIZE ANYTHING HAPPENED.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[PALLAN IS BACK TO NORMAL, AND DOESN'T REMEMBER BLANKING OUT, AND HE DIDN'T SEE THE DISPLAYS CHANGE.]

AUDIENCE: Why oh why didn't we take the blue pill?

WRITERS: Quit quoting The Matrix!

AUDIENCE: Homage. Bite. Us.

WRITERS: Quit homaging then!

AUDIENCE: You first.

EXT. P3X-289

[SAM AND DANIEL MEET WITH JACK AND TEAL'C. SAM SAYS THEIR TECH IS INCREDIBLE, BUT LAMENTS THAT THERE'S NO OFF THE SHELF PROGRAM FOR HER TO PLUG HER LAPTOP INTO THE SYSTEM. SHE SAYS THEY APPEAR HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE, BUT JACK SAYS THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.]

AUDIENCE: Since when does anything make sense to Dumb!Jack!?

[SAM SAYS THEY CAN OFFER RELOCATION, JACK AGREES.]

INT. COUNCIL CHAMBERS

[THE THREE MALE COUNCIL MEMBERS ARE PRESENT. THEY ARE ALL SURPRISED BY THE IDEA OF RELOCATING. THEY DON'T SEE ANY REASON TO DO SO, BECAUSE THE DOME PROVIDES EVERYTHING THEY NEED.]

JACK: What about the other folks in the town? Some of them have to think differently.

COUNCIL MAN #4: The Council speaks for the town... and the Council's decision is unanimous.

DANIEL: Well, what about the other Council member? The woman that was here?

COUNCIL MAN #4: Uh, there hasn't been a woman on the Council since the last election... and that was two years ago.

JACK: What're you talking about? There was a woman sitting there yesterday.

COUNCIL MAN #1: Colonel, I can assure you the Council has always consisted of three members.

[THE THREE COUNCIL MEMBERS LOOK AT THE TEAM LIKE THEY'RE CRAZY. THE TEAM RETURNS THE FAVOR. THE AUDIENCE SHIFTS IN THEIR CHAIRS IN GENERAL BOREDOM.]

CERTAIN FANS: Actually, that sounds a lot like Season 6.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

[THE TEAM MEETS TO DISCUSS THE SITUATION. SAM SAYS PALLAN CLAIMS TO HAVE NO MEMORY OF THERE EVER BEING A FOURTH COUNCIL MEMBER. SAM SUGGESTS THE LINK MIGHT BE BEHIND THIS. THEY KNOW IT CAN DOWNLOAD INFORMATION DIRECTLY INTO THE BRAIN, SO PERHAPS IT CAN ALTER MEMORIES TOO. JACK SAYS THEY CAN'T TRUST THESE PEOPLE, BUT SAM WANTS TO CONTINUE RESEARCHING THE DOME TECHNOLOGY, WHILE DANIEL WANTS TO SEE IF THE ARCHIVE SHEDS ANY LIGHT ON WHAT'S HAPPENING.]

INT. LIBRARY ROOM

[EVALLA ENTERS THE ROOM, WHILE DANIEL'S READING. DANIEL SAYS HE CAN'T FIND ANY REFERENCE TO WHEN THE DOME WAS FIRST CREATED. EVALLA EXPLAINS THAT BY THAT TIME THEIR PEOPLE HAD BEGUN USING THE LINK, SO NOT MUCH WRITTEN MATERIAL SURVIVES FROM THAT ERA.]

AUDIENCE: Here's a thought... ASK SOMEONE WHO HAS A LINK!

[DANIEL AND EVALLA HAVE A DISCUSSION ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF LEAVING THE DOME. EVALLA SAYS SHE SEES NO NEED FOR IT, BUT THEY DO HOPE THAT ONE DAY THEY CAN RECLAIM THE PLANET. SHE ALSO EXPLAINS THAT EVERY COUPLE IS LIMITED TO TWO CHILDREN TO CONTROL THE POPULATION, WHICH IS CURRENTLY 1,373.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[SAM HAS MANAGED TO INTERFACE HER LAPTOP INTO PALLAN'S SYSTEM.]

BILL GATES: Another world conquered!

PALLAN: You believe this technology will be useful on your world?

SAM: Why don't you and your wife come back with us and see for yourselves?

[PALLAN ASKS IF EARTH HAS OCEANS.]

NOROMOS: Oceans, and ships that can take an entire show down with it.

SAM: You said these were the power utilization figures, right?

PALLAN: That's right.

SAM: What's a normal variation?

PALLAN: Between .01 and .07 percent.

SAM: Well, then we've got a problem. These levels are least 2% lower than when we first came down here.

PALLAN: No, that can't be. No, you're mistaken. These figures are within normal range.

SAM: Do you have the readings from this morning?

PALLAN: Of course. You see? No variation.

SAM: This is wrong.

PALLAN: These measurements are foreign to you.

SAM: Well, it doesn't mean I can't recognize a relative drop.

AUDIENCE: Silly boy, you're not supposed to contradict anything Sam says. It's not a healthy habit.

[PALLAN SAYS THERE'S NO RECORD IN 400 YEARS OF A POWER DROP THAT LARGE, BUT THEORETICALLY IT COULD AFFECT THE INTEGRITY OF THE FORCE FIELD.]

EXT. P3X-289

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE MAKING THEIR WAY TO THE MALP TO CONTACT THE SGC. KENDRICK APPROACHES, ASKING IF IT'S TRUE, THAT THEY'VE OFFERED TO TAKE THEM TO ANOTHER WORLD. JACK SAYS YES.]

KENDRICK: Then Nevin and I will come with you. I see the way he is with you and I realize that Nevin deserves the chance for much more than this world can ever offer.

TEAL'C: Are you certain? This is not a decision to be taken lightly.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, because being around Jack could expose Nevin to a lethal dose of Cosmic Giddiness (tm).

KENDRICK: I want my son to grow up in a world where the sky and the clouds aren't part of an illusion created by a computer.

JACK: Well, that's good enough for me.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[SAM'S STILL WORKING WITH THE NEW INTERFACE, AND CONTACTS JACK ON THE RADIO.]

SAM: Sir, I've been running some calculations here and I've discovered something.

[CUT TO JACK AND TEAL'C, WHO CAN'T FIND THE MALP.]

AUDIENCE: Men. They *never* pay attention to where they parked the car.

SAM (via radio): Sir, are you reading me?

NOROMOS: No, he's not interested, sweetums.

JACK (via radio): Carter, the MALP's gone.

TEAL'C: It would appear someone does not wish us to communicate with Stargate Command.

SAM: Well, that's not our only problem. The dome is losing power. I noticed a discrepancy with the output levels, but I wasn't sure because the computer record showed no change. So, I converted the units and compared the current levels with the readings I took yesterday when we first came through.

JACK: And?

AUDIENCE: But? So? Therefore?

SAM: In the last 24 hours, there's been almost a 4% drop. Sir, if this continues, the dome will fail.

24 FANS: Don't tell anyone at CTU, or else there'll be another Jack in for a Really Long Day.

JACK: How much time?

SAM: It's hard to say. But when it does, everyone here will die.

AUDIENCE: [gasp] Not.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

[THE COMPUTERS DO ANOTHER MATRIX CODE DANCE. MEANWHILE, OVER IN THE LIBRARY, EVALLA GETS A STRANGE LOOK ON HER FACE AND LEAVES.]

SAM (via radio): Sir, the computer's giving me new information. The power level is definitely dropping.

TEAL'C (via radio): Major Carter, should we not warn the townspeople?

SAM: I'm not sure we're going to be able to convince them. The only evidence we have are the computer readings and... for some reason, Pallan couldn't see that they were changing.

JACK: Maybe he's in on it.

SAM: I don't think so. I think the Matrix... er... I think his memories are being altered and it's possible that the same hold true for everyone in this town.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

[DANIEL HAS GONE AFTER EVALLA, BUT SHE'S TOO FAR AHEAD AND HE CAN'T CATCH UP. SHE DISAPPEARS DOWN AN ARCHED WALKWAY, BUT WHEN DANIEL APPROACHES, THE END IS WALLED OFF WITH BRICKS AND THERE'S NO SIGN OF EVALLA.]

INT. SOMEONE'S HOUSE

[JACK, SAM, TEAL'C AND DANIEL ARE TALKING ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.]

DANIEL: Then I called out to her and she just ignored me. It was like she was in some sort of trance or something.

TEAL'C: Perhaps she was under the influence of the link.

DANIEL FANS: Or the writers. They seem to have a lot of experience ignoring Daniel.

WRITERS: Wasn't he a character in a movie that was sorta like our show?

AUDIENCE: A movie you could homage a little more often. Wouldn't kill you.

SAM: There's no telling what level of manipulation is possible.

DANIEL: We have to help these people. I mean, they're-they're being held against their will, they don't even know it.

JACK: Well, as long as they've got those... things on their faces, they're not gonna be convinced of anything.

TEAL'C: Is it possible to disable the link?

SAM: It's part of the same computer system that controls the dome. If we tamper with it, we risk bringing the whole force field down. On the other hand, if I could use the computer to access the link, maybe I could reprogram the information that's being sent out.

DANIEL: You mean do a little brainwashing of our own?

AUDIENCE: Will that work on the writers?

SAM: The only problem is, I don't think I could do it without Pallan's help.

DANIEL: If I can find historical evidence in the library that directly contradicts information available on the link, that might prove to at least some of these people that they're being lied to.

SAM: Like records of the Council meetings. They would show that there used to be more than three members.

AUDIENCE: Like there used to be four members of the team that acted like friends who cared for each other?

DANIEL: Exactly.

JACK: All right, you two do what you do... Teal'c, you and I are late for a radio contact.

[JACK AND TEAL'C LEAVE, WALKING DOWN ONE OF THE TOWN'S SIDEWALKS. NEVIN COMES RUNNING AFTER THEM, ASKING WHERE THEY'RE GOING.]

JACK: We're going back to the house. We need those special outfits we had.

[NEVIN TELLS THEM THEY'RE GOING THE WRONG WAY, THEY'RE HEADING TOWARDS THE EDGE OF THE DOME. NEVIN HEADS OFF IN THE "RIGHT" DIRECTION, GOES INTO A HOUSE AND BRINGS THE SUIT TO JACK.]

NEVIN: Here it is. See? Right where you left it.

JACK: Hey... is this where we slept last night?

SLASHERS: Like there was any sleeping involved.

TEAL'C: It is not.

JACK/TEAL'C SLASHERS: Because... there was no sleeping involved!!

NOROMOS: This isn't Kendrick's house, you pervs. Pay attention.

SLASHERS: Trust us, we pay *very* close attention.

[KENDRICK ARRIVES AND ASKS IF THEY'RE RETURNING TO EARTH NOW.]

JACK: No. We were just gonna send a message. Don't worry, we're not leaving without you.

KENDRICK: Excuse me?

JACK: Anyone who wants to leave is welcome to come with us.

KENDRICK: Why would I leave?

TEAL'C: You have expressed a desire to live in a world where the sky was not artificial.

KENDRICK: You must have me mistaken for someone else.

JACK: Nevin, you wanted to be an explorer, right?

NEVIN: I'm going to be a gardener, like my father.

AUDIENCE: Da dah duuuuuuuum.

TEAL'C: You are under the influence of the link.

KENDRICK: What are you talking about?

AUDIENCE: The Matrix has...

WRITERS: Not. Listening. La la la.

JACK: Those things on your head... you gotta lose 'em. They're messing with your mind somehow. You've gotta... get rid of them.

KENDRICK: The link gives us everything we need.

JACK: Look, just... take it off for a minute. Just flick it off.

KENDRICK: I can't. To be disconnected from the link would cause instant death.

JACK: Now, see, that's something you've never said before.

KENDRICK: Colonel, I think you should leave now.

EXT. TOWN

[SAM'S ON HER WAY TOT HE CONTROL ROOM. JACK CONTACTS HER VIA THE RADIO AND TELLS HER "THEY" GOT TO KENDRICK. SHE PICKS UP HER PACE.]

AUDIENCE: We guess the idea of getting out of town is out of the question, eh?

WRITERS: Yep.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

SAM: Do you remember earlier today, I told you I noticed a drop in the power levels?

PALLAN: I remember you being mistaken.

AUDIENCE: Ack, Pallan! Didn't we *warn* you about saying things like that?

SAM: Every time these screens are updated, the information on the link is updated as well. It alters your memory so you don't see what's happening.

PALLAN: Major, this is absurd.

AUDIENCE: Pallan's gonna die, isn't he? A slow, painful, horrible death.

SAM: Pallan... the dome is failing.

PALLAN: I told you, you're mistaken.

AUDIENCE: Pallan, please, for the love of...

SAM: No. I am not mistaken. Now, if you don't help me warn the others, then you and Evalla and everyone in this city will die.

PALLAN: Who?

SAM: Evalla, your wife.

PALLAN: Major, I don't know what's come over you but, I've never been married.

AUDIENCE: Oh, no! It's worse than we thought. Now he's eligible to look longingly at Sam and receive the Black Widow Curse.

INT. LIBRARY

[DANIEL IS STILL LOOKING THROUGH DOCUMENTS. IT APPEARS HE'S FOUND SOMETHING HE CAN USE.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

SAM: I need you to disconnect yourself from the link.

PALLAN: That's insane.

SAM: I know that you believe that removing that node from your forehead will kill you.

PALLAN: I've known that since childhood.

SAM: But last night, Evalla removed hers and nothing happened.

PALLAN: Who is this Evalla?

SAM: I told you. She's your wife. Your memories of her have been altered in the same way that you've been kept from realizing that the dome is deteriorating. At first, I thought it was somebody on the Council who was responsible, but the changes are happening too quickly. I think it's automatic. The computer makes changes and then updates the memories of everyone in this town so no one's the wiser. Pallan, you have to disconnect.

PALLAN: That would be suicide.

SAM: No. That's just a lie that's been planted by the computer. We need to reprogram the link to convince the others of what's happening, but I can't do it without you.

[DANIEL COMES RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS.]

DANIEL FANS: Day-um!

DANIEL: Sam! Got it.

SAM/DANIEL SHIPPERS: We wish they'd both get "it." [sigh]

PALLAN: What is that?

DANIEL: They're legal documents. All I can say is thank God for lawyers.

LAWYERS: Go us! That'll be $500 dollars.

DANIEL: When everyone else was converting to the link, they were still using good, old-fashioned paper. See, when the dome was first created, everyone signed a contract establishing communal land ownership rights. Look at the number.

PALLAN: No, that can't be.

DANIEL: There were originally over a hundred thousand people living here.

PALLAN: That's impossible. The dome isn't big enough to sustain that many.

DANIEL: Not any more.

SAM: Oh, my God. All this time, I thought the power loss would cause the dome to fail. But the computer found a way to compensate... the dome is shrinking.

DANIEL: See... that's what happened to the MALP. It didn't go anywhere. It's right where we left it, except for now it's on the outside.

PALLAN: Now, wait a minute... if there were over 100,000 people living here... where did they all go?

AUDIENCE: Da dah duuuuuuuum.

EXT. P3X-289

[JACK AND TEAL'C ARE IN HAZMAT SUITS, WALKING THROUGH THE POISONED AIR. TEAL'C FINDS RECENT HUMAN REMAINS, AND OLDER ONES EATEN AWAY BY THE ATMOSPHERE. JACK FINDS A LINK DEVICE AMONG THE REMAINS.]

INT. CONTROL ROOM

SAM: I understand why you're reluctant to believe us, Pallan. You've got things in your head that must seem like memories of a lifetime, but they're not. Just yesterday, you'd never even heard of the idea that disconnecting from the link could be fatal.

PALLAN: You're lying.

AUDIENCE: We give up, you're on your own.

DANIEL: Look at these documents. They're over 400 years old, they're written in your language. How could we fake this? Why would be fake this? The only reason they still exist is because the computer did not foresee outside interference. To anyone on the link, they're completely irrelevant.

PALLAN: But why?

SAM: The computer is programmed to maintain the community. Individuals had to be sacrificed for the good of the whole. Only each time someone disappeared, no one noticed because all memory of them was erased. Please...

[SAM REMOVES HIS LINK, AND HE'S STUNNED HE'S STILL ALIVE.]

AUDIENCE: So are we, he dared to say something against Sam.

SAM: Now, we need your help.

LATER...

JACK (via radio): Carter, what's your status?

NOROMOS: Risking a court-martial every day of her life, lusting after you.

SAM: Pallan's trying to access the link right now. If he can get in, we might be able to reprogram it.

JACK: Understood. We're coming to you.

SMUTTERS: Hee! He said coming!

[PALLAN PRESSES SOME KEYS, AND THE SCREENS GO ALL MATRIX-Y.]

PALLAN: What did I do?

SAM: It's another update.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

[THE TOWNSPEOPLE STOP MOVING AND STARE INTO SPACE, WHILE KENDRICK AND NEVIN ARE ALSO AFFECTED AT THEIR HOME.]

AUDIENCE: Glitch! Where's the black cat?

WRITERS: Idiots. We're moving on to "Dawn of the Dead" now!

AUDIENCE: Crossover homages? This doesn't bode well.

INT. CONTROL ROOM

PALLAN: These systems are so complicated. Without access to the link, I'm not sure I know what I'm doing.

SAM: Pallan, you've been doing this your whole life. You're just going to have to try to remember the old-fashioned way.

EXT. TOWN SQUARE

[JACK AND TEAL'C TURN A CORNER AND SEE A LOT OF TOWNSPEOPLE HEADING TOWARDS THEM, PROBABLY TO CHOMP ON THEIR BRAINS.]

JACK: Maybe not that way.

TEAL'C: Agreed.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

[THEY TURN ANOTHER CORNER AND SEE MORE PEOPLE COMING THEIR WAY. KENDRICK IS LEADING THIS GROUP.]

JACK (via radio): Uh, Carter, we may have a little problem here.

NOROMOS: It's called "ship" and it's a big problem.

SAM (via radio): They're being controlled by the computer, Sir.

[TEAL'C AND JACK ARE PURSUED DOWN THE SAME CORRIDOR WHERE EVALLA DISAPPEARED. THEY'RE TRAPPED BETWEEN THE BARRIER AND THE CROWD.]

KENDRICK: Everything's going to be all right, Colonel. These are for you.

[KENDRICK HAS TWO LINK DEVICES.]

JACK: I don't think so.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, don't those things need a brain to work? Teal'c's not a problem, but with Jack... problem.

KENDRICK: You've been disconnected from the link. You're not well. Let us help you.

JACK (via radio): Carter... now would be a good time.

S/J SHIPPERS: To marry you and have your babies?

NOROMOS: To quit giving you Looks of Luv?

J/D SLASHERS: To return Daniel in his original, upright position?

S/D SHIPPERS: Do we yank YOUR chains?

BDSMERS: You can yank ours. Pretty please?

INT. CONTROL ROOM

PALLAN: I'm in. Now, what do I tell them?

SAM: There's no time to explain everything. Try to erase all memory of us completely.

NOROMOS: Hey, think we can borrow the link program to get rid of ship?

S/J SHIPPERS: Over our dead bodies!

NOROMOS: Deal!

SLASHERS: Let the record show we had no part in this. None! But we are rather interested in possible recording technology involved in link usage.

BDSMERS: The link *ties* people together, right?

NOROMOS: [sigh] Never. Mind.

EXT. TOWN

[JACK IS TAKING AIM AT KENDRICK.]

KENDRICK: You're not yourself, Colonel. Without the link, your mind is playing tricks on you.

AUDIENCE: Now that you mention it, the link might actually be an improvement for Jack.

[PALLAN'S SENT THE COMPUTER THROUGH A MATRIX MODE.]

KENDRICK: Who are you?

AUDIENCE: He's supposed to be Colonel Jack O'Neill, but honestly, we haven't seen *him* in a looooooooong time. We thought at first space aliens were at fault, but now we see it's bored writers and an even more bored actor.

LATER...

[SGC PERSONNEL ARE ESCORTING TOWNSPEOPLE IN HAZMAT GEAR THROUGH THE BARRIER. SAM AND PALLAN DISCUSS WHAT WAS HAPPENING TO HIS WORLD.]

SAM: We ran some tests on the geo-thermal vents that supply the town's power. Looks like they started to cool about 200 years ago. The dome started shrinking some time after that. We should have the whole town relocated in a couple of days.

PALLAN: I think I'm going to miss this garden. How much longer will the force field last?

SAM: It's difficult to say. I mean even with less and less surface area to maintain, the power would have failed eventually.

PALLAN: And in the meantime, more of us would have disappeared.

SAM: You still don't remember her, do you?

PALLAN: No. You know, in a way, I envy the others. They all must have lost somebody, but I'm the only one who knows for sure. How do you mourn someone when you can't even picture her face?

SAM: I'm sorry, Pallan. I wish I could help.

PALLAN: Maybe you can.

SAM: How?

PALLAN: Tell me about her.

NOROMOS: Just don't look at him with goo-goo eyes. We like Pallan, and want him to live.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, IT'S A CRAZY DANNY EXTRAVAGANZA. THINK "LEGACY," BUT WITH MORE ALIENS AND MUCH BETTER MEDICAL CARE.

DANIEL FANS: Yes! Yes! Yes! Day-um Alert, Level Ten! Maybe we'll get Danny Toes
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