7.01 Fallen by Nialla
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Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Season Seven: The Breadbox Editions
Summary: A parody of Fallen, with audience participation.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to Christi for much inspiration during our live MSTie sessions watching Stargate eps, and for beta reading. Thanks also go to Tam for adding more Star Wars "homages." Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alphagate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem very familiar.
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I've called dibs on playing with Nekkid!Daniel. What Jack doesn't know and Daniel doesn't remember won't hurt me. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only. The original characters, situations and story are mine. Please check with me first if you want to archive or link to this story.

Previously on Stargate SG-1...

Daniel died trying to save a planet of idiots. Being a Science Fiction show, this meant several guest appearances before he returns full-time from the Ascended plane.

And now, on Stargate SG-1...

FADE IN

EXT. VIS UBAN

[OLD GEEZER AND TWO YOUNGER MEN WALK DOWN A PATH. A BRIGHT LIGHT FLASHES NEARBY. CUT TO AN AERIAL IMAGE OF A NAKED MAN CURLED IN THE FETAL POSITION ON THE GROUND.]

AUDIENCE: OK, you've got our attention.

DANIEL FANS: Dayum! Payoff! But can you zoom in a bit? Thanks bunches!

[CLOSE-UP OF THE NAKED MAN'S EYE AS HE OPENS THEM.]

DANIEL FANS: That wasn't the kind of zooming in we were talking about, but still... dayum.

[THE TRIO APPROACHES THE NAKED MAN.]

YOUNG MAN #1: Who are you?

DANIEL FANS: Whoa! Nipplage!

DANIEL: I don't know.

SLASHERS: Don't worry, Jack will be along shortly to jog your memory.

OPENING CREDITS

INT. LAB IN THE SGC

[JONAS IS WORKING ON DECIPHERING THE ANCIENT'S TABLET.]

JONAS: I got it!

AUDIENCE: What, a social disease?

[JONAS GOES ON A MAD DASH DOWN THE CORRIDORS.]

INT. HAMMOND'S OFFICE

JONAS: I got it.

SAM: Hopefully it's not contagious.

AUDIENCE: See, like we said, a social disease.

[JONAS BABBLES ABOUT THE TRANSLATION RELATING TO THE LOST CITY.]

SAM: Do you have a gate address?

JONAS: Babble, lost city not lost. Babble, unfinished city.

SAM: Gate. Address. Idiot.

JONAS: The last gate address on the list of those that Colonel O'Neill entered into the base computer when he had the Ancients' library downloaded into his brain should be it.

AUDIENCE: Um... we thought Jack didn't finish putting all the addresses in? But sure, we'll buy that plot device for a quarter. Excuse us for a bit, while we rewind to watch the Nekkid!Daniel scene again.

EXT. VIS UBAN

[SGC TEAMS ARE LOOKING FOR THE LOST CITY/CITY OF THE LOST/THE LOCAL MCDONALD'S. THEY FIND A NOMADIC PEOPLE WHO'VE TAKEN UP RESIDENCE IN THE RUINS.]

JACK: These people don't look lost. Or dead.

AUDIENCE: Ya think?

NOMAD: Greetings.

JONAS: Greetings. We're travelers from the planet Earth.

AUDIENCE: It's just too complicated to say, "Two of us are from the Earth, one's from Chulak, and I'm from Kelowna, Planet of the Idiots," isn't it?

JONAS: We just want to take a really good look at your ruins.

NOMAD: Is that a good pick up line where you come from? Because it usually gets me a slap to the face. "I want to dig for your artifacts" usually entails a kick to the groin.

[A SECOND SG TEAM IS IN THE WOODS WHEN A STRANGER APPROACHES. THEY RAISE THEIR WEAPONS, THEN REALIZE IT'S DANIEL.]

EXT. RUINS OF VIS UBAN

[ELDER APPROACHES. HE AND JACK TRADE QUIPS BACK AND FORTH.]

AUDIENCE: Cosmic giddiness our asses. Get that man on some Ritalin and get a director willing to make him do his job.

[SOLDIER FROM THE OTHER SG TEAM ENTERS THE RUINS.]

SOLDIER: Colonel, we found something you might want to see.

SLASHERS: Why, whatever would have given you that idea? [Attempts innocent look, fails miserably.]

[DANIEL ENTERS THE COURTYARD WITH THE REST OF THE SOLDIERS.]

JACK: Daniel?

SLASHERS: [sigh]

ELDER: Arum.

JACK: Say what?

ELDER: It means "naked one."

DANIEL FANS: [thud]

JACK: You've got some splainin' to do, Danny Boy.

SOLDIER: He doesn't know who he is.

AUDIENCE: No, really? Never would have guessed.

[SAM APPROACHES DANIEL, TRIES TO TOUCH HIM.]

S/D SHIPPERS: Yay!

[DANIEL PUSHES HER HAND AWAY.]

S/D SHIPPERS: Boo!

SLASHERS: Even without his memory, Daniel knows that Jack would kill her if she tried anything.

TEAL'C: Do you not recognize us, DanielJackson?

DANIEL: I'm sorry.

[DANIEL WALKS AWAY.]

JACK: Not even me?

SLASHERS: [cackle]

INT. TENT

[JACK ENTERS TO TALK TO DANIEL.]

SLASHERS: Talk. Mmmmm yeah, that's it.

[JACK TRIES TO EXPLAIN THE SITUATION TO DANIEL.]

DANIEL: I don't remember anything before waking up in the woods.

SLASHERS: Give Jack some more time to "explain." You'll figure it out, or at least have fun trying.

JACK: You're a member of my team. You're a friend of mine. Last year you died.

DANIEL: I'm dead?

JACK: You just sorta died. You Ascended to a higher plane. Last time I saw you, you were helping us fight Anubis.

DANIEL: Anubis?

JACK: Yeah, kind of an over-the-top, cliche bad guy.

WRITERS: Hey, we heard that!

JACK: You wrote it! I only do the lines I'm given.

AUDIENCE: That's not what we've heard.

[JACK EXITS THE TENT AND TALKS TO SAM.]

S/J SHIPPERS: Squee! They're in the same frame!

NOROMOS: [sigh]

SAM: It will take time for the other SG teams to search the ruins, so why don't we spend that time trying to help Daniel regain his memories?

JACK: Tag, you're it.

TRI-SMUTTERS: Wait, you could both go "talk" to him!

INT. TENT

[SAM GOES IN TO TALK TO DANIEL.]

DANIEL: What's your name again?

SAM: Samantha Carter. You used to call me Sam. Or love bunny, depending on your mood.

DANIEL: Look, like I told Jim, I'm not interested...

SAM: Um, it's Jack.

DANIEL: Whatever. I want to know who I am, but I'm afraid I won't like who I was.

SAM: We all thought we'd lost you. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through.

S/D SHIPPERS: [swoon]

SAM: You're the kind of person who would give his life for someone he didn't even know.

AUDIENCE: That's exactly what he did. He died for a planet of ungrateful idiots.

JONAS: I'm not offended by the continuous "idiot" comments.

AUDIENCE: Really? Then we'll have to come up with something else.

SAM: Come back with us, and we'll show you who you are.

DANIEL: I'll think about it.

[SAM MOVES TO LEAVE THE TENT.]

DANIEL: Samantha Carter. Was there ever anything between us?

AUDIENCE: Medic! The Sam/Daniel shippers fainted en masse!

SAM: No, because Jack would kill me if I tried anything.

SLASHERS: Damn straight, if you'll pardon the pun.

[SAM EXITS THE TENT, AND JOINS JACK, THE ELDER, TEAL'C AND JONAS OUTSIDE.]

JONAS: It'll take weeks to study the ruins.

NON-JONAS FANS: Have fun staying there doing that. We'll miss you. Not. Oh damn, you mean he's *not* staying there?

TEAL'C: What about DanielJackson?

D/T SLASHERS: Ooooh, let Teal'c have a crack at jogging Daniel's memories!

[DANIEL EXITS THE TENT.]

DANIEL: He's going home.

INT. GATEROOM

HAMMOND: Welcome back, Dr. Jackson.

DANIEL FANS: You have no idea how we've *longed* to hear Hammond say those words.

[THE TEAM EXITS THE GATEROOM.]

JACK: Daniel, did I mention you owe me fifty bucks?

SLASHERS: Not. Touching. That. One.

INT. INFIRMARY

JANET: He's in perfect health, with one small exception.

[JANET GIVES DANIEL HIS GLASSES AND HE PUTS THEM ON. DOZENS OF "EYES" FANS SQUEE LOUD ENOUGH TO BREAK THE GLASSES.]

JACK: You recognize me now?

DANIEL: Has your hair always been that way?

JACK: What way?

DANIEL: Nevermind.

SLASHERS: Let's ponder what prompted that conversation for a while, shall we? What was the term in the DVD commentary, "non sequitors and unrequited homosexual tension"? Ponder, ponder, ponder.

INT. ROOM IN THE SGC

[JACK HAS SAVED SOME OF DANIEL'S BELONGINGS TO PLACE IN HIS NEW "HOME."]

SLASHERS: Yes. Oh, yes.

[DANIEL SEES A PICTURE OF SHA'RE.]

DANIEL: I know her.

JACK: Really?

DANIEL: I must, if her picture is here.

JACK: The picture I *wanted* to put here would have caused problems, what with the military regs and all.

[LATER... DANIEL AWAKENS FROM A DREAM, AND GOES TO TEAL'C'S QUARTERS.]

D/T SLASHERS: Indeed. Rowr.

[DANIEL SHOWS TEAL'C THE PICTURE OF SHA'RE.]

DANIEL: Her name is Sha're, I remembered on my own.

TEAL'C: [uncomfortable]

DANIEL: Where is she?

TEAL'C: [very uncomfortable]

DANIEL: She's dead.

TEAL'C: [extremely uncomfortable]

H/C FANS: Missing scene alert!

[DANIEL URGES TEAL'C TO TELL HIM WHAT'S GOING ON INSTEAD OF WAITING TO FIGURE IT OUT ON HIS OWN. OF COURSE WE CAN'T HEAR HIM DOING THIS, SINCE THAT WOULD INVOLVE TEAL'C ACTUALLY HAVING DIALOGUE.]

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL COMES INTO A MEETING IN PROGRESS.]

DANIEL: Sorry, forgot what time the meeting was. Small joke there.

AUDIENCE: Very small.

HAMMOND: These meetings are classified, son.

DANIEL: I know, but I was a part of this once. Besides, who am I going to tell? I don't remember anyone.

[JONAS BEGINS TO NATTER ON ABOUT THE CITY OF THE LOST.]

DANIEL: You translated the name wrong.

AUDIENCE: If he decides it's "Land of the Lost," we're outtie.

WRITERS: Hey, the dinosaur angle could be cool. [pause] Anyone know if we've got that on DVD?

JONAS: But my translation was based on your notes.

DANIEL: Also wrong.

NON-DANIEL FANS: Ha! He was wrong!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: Yes, and he freely admitted it, unlike some other folks on this show we could name.

DANIEL: All I know is you're looking in the wrong place.

JACK: Then where is it?

DANIEL: Did I just say, "All I know..."?

BANTER FANS: Yes, you did. Oh, how we missed the banter, even this small bit is manna from heaven.

JACK: Everyone, turn away. I want no witnesses.

SLASHERS: Why, gonna snog him senseless?

INT. DANIEL'S ROOM

JONAS: Let's make a replica of the tablet to fool Anubis.

DANIEL: Yeah sure, why not? It's not like I've got anything better to do. Or if I do, I don't remember it.

INT. LORD YU'S SHIP

[TEAL'C HAS ARRIVED TO SUCK UP TO YU.]

AUDIENCE: Get your mind outta the gutter!

SLASHERS: Sorry, but we live there now. It's nice and warm and all our friends are here. Though we still haven't cleaned up from the "Welcome Back Daniel!" party. It's quite a mess at the moment.

DANIEL FANS: We're sorry. But still... squee!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM'S GIVING A PRESENTATION TO MISC. SGC AND TOK'RA.]

SAM: The writers have been watching the original Star Wars trilogy, so we're going to have to fire a missile down a shaft to destroy Anubis' ship.

TEAL'C: Just like shooting womprats in my T-16 back home.

AUDIENCE: [rolls eyes]

TOK'RA CHICK: We can't translate Anubis' coded messages.

SAM: Which is where Daniel and Jonas come in. They'll hack the computer and translate what we need.

AUDIENCE: You're sending an idiot and a man with no memory on a mission by themselves? Not to mention that the idiot and his people tried to cover up their responsibility for the man with no memory having to join the Glow Squad?

WRITERS: Yes. You got a problem with that?

AUDIENCE: Yes. You got a few hours?

SAM: Once we've taken out Anubis' defenses, Yu will take care of the rest.

JACK: OK, who thinks this is the wackiest plan we've ever had?

[SGC PERSONNEL, TOK'RA AND THE ENTIRE FREAKING AUDIENCE ALL RAISE THEIR HANDS.]

SAM: Wackier than strapping an active Stargate to the bottom of the X-302? Wackier than blowing up a sun?

AUDIENCE: Wackier than turning a formerly competent and independent 2IC into The Girl with a crush on her boss? [pause] No, can't get much wackier than that.

INT. LORD YU'S TEMPLE

FIRST PRIME: The fleet is ready.

YU: *I'll* say when it is ready.

AUDIENCE: But we're more than ready to see more of the First Prime. *Lots* more.

SLASHERS: We're sensing a story with Teal'c sharing "war stories" with him, and one thing leads to another...

FIRST PRIME: I serve my Lord, and I fear nothing. [Looks at the audience] Except them, they're wigging me out.

YU: We're not joining the war party, and I'm taking a nap. Toodles.

INT. LOCKER ROOM

[JACK AND DANIEL ARE IN THE FINAL STAGES OF GETTING DRESSED.]

JACK AND DANIEL FANS OF ALL VARIETIES: We wuz robbed! They're already fully dressed!

SLASHERS: Pity, isn't it? But that's what missing scene fic is for.

NOROMOS: [grumble] OK, so they *would* be nice eye candy, we admit it. But *no* romance!

[DANIEL COMMENTS ON CHARLIE'S PICTURE IN JACK'S LOCKER, AND REMEMBERS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.]

JACK: You sure you're ready for this?

DANIEL: Despite what you say, I don't think you'd be doing this if it wasn't worth doing.

JACK: You obviously don't remember everything. You never used to follow my lead.

SLASHERS: Too easy. Oh, what the hell... so is this a commentary on who's the dom or what?

DANIEL: I didn't?

SLASHERS: He's obviously having a memory flashback. Can we get a nice montage of images here?

DANIEL: I may not remember everything, but ah... I remember enough.

JACK: Good.

SLASHERS: Oh, *very* good.

EXT. BASE CAMP ON VIS UBAN

[GENERAL HAMMOND HAS ARRIVED.]

HAMMOND: Nice to actually see the outside of the SGC for a change.

[YU'S SHIPS ARE APPROACHING THE PLANET, THE X-302 IS PREPARING TO LAUNCH.]

LAUNCH CONTROL: Air Strike, you're ready to go.

JACK: I thought we were going with Red Leader on this one?

AUDIENCE: [groan] Stop it, stop it, stop it! It's not funny anymore!

JACK: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

AUDIENCE: Argh!

EXT. RUINS ON VIS UBAN

[NUBY'S JAFFA RING DOWN TO EXPLORE THE SITE, WHILE DANIEL, JONAS AND OTHER SGC PERSONELL ARE HIDING. THEY ZAT THE ONE GUARD LEFT BEHIND, AND DANIEL AND JONAS RING UP TO NUBY'S SHIP.]

EXT. SPACE

[JACK AND SAM ARE IN THE X-302, APPROACHING NUBY'S SHIP.]

JACK: Holy crap, look at that thing. It's huge.

AUDIENCE: Cut the chatter, Red Two. We've seen this movie before.

SAM: That's no moon. It's a space station.

AUDIENCE: We've got a bad feeling about this. Dammit! Now you've got *us* doing it.

WRITERS: Hee!

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

[DANIEL AND JONAS ARE LURKING ABOUT WHILE NUBY'S JAFFA STOMP BY. MUCH RUNNING AROUND IN CORRIDORS COMMENCES.]

AUDIENCE: Hey, shouldn't there be some DRDs in the corridors?

WRITERS: No, that's Farscape.

AUDIENCE: Our bad. But you know it's getting difficult to keep up with what makes this show Stargate, since, you know, we rarely get to see the gate.

EXT. SPACE

[JACK AND SAM BLOW UP SOME OF NUBY'S FIGHTERS.]

WRITERS: These ships are too small. They're not making big enough explosions!

SAM (via radio): Daniel, Jonas, we need that intel. We can't hold them off much longer.

DANIEL: You're not exactly helping my concentration.

AUDIENCE: If you find information about a princess in cellblock AA-23, *please* ignore it.

INT. YU'S SHIP

[YU TELLS HIS FIRST PRIME TO HEAD OUT TO ANOTHER LOCATION TO FIGHT, EVEN AFTER THE JAFFA TELLS HIM THEY'RE ABOUT TO ATTACK NUBY.]

YU: I'm the only cool System Lord besides Ba'al, so of *course* the writers have to make it so I'm losing my marbles.

WRITERS: Of course.

[YU'S FIRST PRIME ORDERS TEAL'C TO BE PUT IN THE BRIG.]

AUDIENCE: Well, at least he's not being encased in carbonite.

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

[NUBY STANDS IN FRONT OF A WINDOW, STARING OUT AT THE STARS.]

NUBY: I feel a disturbance in the Force, one I've not felt since...

AUDIENCE: [sigh] Can someone wake us up when we get back to Star*gate*?

[DANIEL AND JONAS ARE IN A COMPUTER ROOM, AND HAVE LOCKED AND JAMMED THE DOOR AGAINST THE JAFFA BEATING ON IT.]

JAFFA: What's going on in there, why's the door locked?

DANIEL: Uh, we had a slight weapons malfunction, but uh... everything's perfectly all right now. We're fine. We're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?

AUDIENCE: So no thought given to the Jaffa gassing the room or anything?

WRITERS: No.

DANIEL: I'm in to the computer system.

AUDIENCE: A man without his full memory just hacked into an *alien* computer system? This is almost as bad as the use of a computer virus in an alien system in Independence Day.

[DANIEL FINDS THE INFORMATION ABOUT THE VENT, AND TRANSMITS IT TO JACK AND SAM.]

JAFFA OUTSIDE THE ROOM: Open up, right now! That room has the only bathroom on this floor!

[DANIEL SEES THAT NUBY'S SHIP IS TARGETING THE STARGATE. JONAS CONTACTS THE BASE TO WARN THEM.]

CHEVRON GUY: OK, this is more exciting than doing the chevron countdown, but I could get killed here. I wanna go home! I want my mommy!

EXT. SPACE

SAM: Transferring the targeting data to the computer. Stay on target, stay on target...

AUDIENCE: Use the Force, Jack.

WRITERS: Hey, did y'all get a copy of the script, because that line was there originally.

AUDIENCE: Are you *really* this clueless, or is it just an act?

WRITERS: Yes.

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

[JAFFA ARE LIFTING THE DOOR. THEY *REALLY* HAFTA PEE.]

DANIEL: Let's get out of here.

AUDIENCE: Good plan.

[JONAS HELPS DANIEL INTO AN AIR VENT.]

DANIEL FANS: I know torches are in-style on Goa'uld ships, but would it kill you to light a butt shot scene a bit better?

[THE JAFFA ENTER BEFORE JONAS CAN MAKE HIS ESCAPE, AND THEY ZAT HIM.]

NON-JONAS FANS: Yay! Do it again! Or give us some zats and we'll pitch in to help.

EXT. SPACE

[JACK FIRES AT THE VENTILATION SHAFT AND HITS THE TARGET.]

AUDIENCE: Nice shootin', Tex.

INT. NUBY'S SHIP

JAFFA: We've been hit. The core is overloading, we have to shut down the weapon.

[CUT TO A SCENE RIGHT OUT OF RETURN OF THE JEDI'S DESTRUCTION OF THE SECOND DEATH STAR.]

AUDIENCE: Do they think if they mix and match movies, we won't notice the rip offs?

WRITERS: Maybe. Is it working?

AUDIENCE: We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life.

[DANIEL'S CRAWLING THROUGH THE VENTILATION DUCT WHEN SAM CONTACTS HIM VIA RADIO.]

AUDIENCE: At least he's not in a garbage chute.

SAM: We'll rendezvous with you at the Stargate as planned.

AUDIENCE: Staaaargaaaaate. What's that again?

DANIEL: We may have a little problem.

[CUT TO SCENE OF JONAS STRAPPED TO A TABLE, WITH NUBY PREPARING TO "QUESTION" HIM.]

NON-JONAS FANS: We're not seeing a problem. Can we help? Are there enough tools to go around?

JONAS: You're not scaring me.

AUDIENCE: He's never scared anyone, you git.

JONAS: I won't tell you anything.

NUBY: Oh. Yes. You. Will.

[NUBY PULLS OUT A SMALL METALLIC DEVICE.]

NON-JONAS FANS: Kewl! Um... which end does it go in? 'Cause we've got suggestions.

FADE OUT

NEXT WEEK, HOMECOMING, AND A RETURN TO THE PLANET OF THE IDIOTS
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