3 weeks ago
Life is perfect. For once in this awful, disgusting, screwed-up world, Daniel Jackson's life is perfect. Because I've finally met him. The man of my dreams. The one I always hoped would come but never dared to actually believe it.
His name is Jonathan.
He's smart, funny, caring, romantic, and the most amazing lover. True, his temper is quick sometimes, but I forgive him.
Because he loves me.
Me! Imagine that.
I grew up with the innate knowledge that I was worthless. Oh, no one told me. They didn't have to. I just knew; from the glances and the whispers and the constant moving me from home to home. No one wanted me. Something must be wrong with me. Yeah. It was me that was fucked-up. Oh God, what I wouldn't do for acceptance. Please God, I want somebody to love me, please God, please...
Then he came into my life. And he cares for me. And I think, that if I leaped off of a bridge as I have daydreamed so many times, either I would fly...
Or Jon would catch me.
2 weeks ago
Life is good. Jon and I share an apartment. I go to work every day and smile at my friends and they smile back. They know what Jon and I have. They're happy I'm happy.
But am I happy?
Jon yelled at me again last night. I'd left the dryer door ajar, letting the light filter out, wasting energy. He yelled and yelled and when he slammed his fist into the wall, I couldn't help but flinch. He was there in a second, apologizing, loving, I promise, Danny, never do that again, so sorry...
But it does happen again. And again. He's disappointed in me, I know it. I've screwed up again, can't do anything right. God, why can't I get this right? He used to love me. He does love me, dammit. But when he gets so damn angry and his eyes turn cold, I know that he knows what I've known all my life.
Worthless selfish motherless waste.
Can't let this go on. Gotta do it, gotta make up for my failing. Make sure he's comfortable, make sure things are how he likes them. Because I can't let something this good slip away.
Finally someone loves me. And I won't fuck it up again. I promise.
1 week ago
Knock at door.
Go away, please go away. I tense, does the noise wake him up? No, Jon's still asleep. I'm in the bathroom, trying to get the blood out, gotta get it out before he sees it.
Jon beat me again last night. Apartment's a sty, you're a mess, goddammit Jackson, why can't you get it right. I press my hands against my temples, trying to block the memory of those hands, those beautiful hands, clenched into fists and pummeling my stomach. I'm still sore. Purple/yellow bruises showed. Oh God, he would be so angry...
The knock again. Louder. More insistent. On and on until finally whoever it was goes away. I sigh, safe. Then Jon moves.
"Why didn't you get the door, Daniel?"
My stomach drops. "I-I d-d-d-" Damn! I never stutter except around him. He makes me so nervous I trip over my own tongue. No wonder he hits me so hard.
Speaking of hitting...
He's out of bed, how'd he move that fast, and his fist hits my jaw so that I fall to the ground. He kicks me in the back over and over and my mouth is forming these pathetic whimpering pleas, so sorry, won't do it again, please sir no, AH! please God please please please...
I hate myself. Why am I so weak? So stupid? If only I were better, Jon would love me like he had when we first met. He never kisses me now, never strokes my hair, never touches me unless he wants to hit me for something.
God, I deserve this.
He strikes me in the leg. I hear bone break and an agonized wail tears out of my throat before I can stop it. Now I'm in for it, too weak to take what I had coming, now I'd pay...
I'm not worthy. Pain. The pain will make it better. Jon will make me better. Because he loves me. He's doing this because he loves me. It's true, I swear...
1 day ago: O'Neill
Jack O'Neill banged on the apartment door. He knew Daniel was home, and home alone. His boyfriend had left a half hour earlier. Jack had made sure he was gone. Happy as Daniel seemed around Jonathan, something about their relationship gave Jack the creeps. No, it wasn't because it was homosexual. That was alright by him. But the way their eyes met sometimes, and the way Daniel flinched when anyone moved suddenly, the way he stammered now, the way he constantly apologized...
No. Something was wrong. He'd known that for sure today, when Daniel was late for work. Which never, repeat, never, happened. O'Neill had waited for Jonathan to leave. Then he went up after his friend.
"Daniel Jackson, if this door's not open in thirty seconds, it's coming down!"
Was that a faint 'don't!' he heard through the thin door?
"One Mississippi, two Mississippi, thirty, I'm coming in!"
He threw his shoulder against the door and the cheap latch popped. Jack sprang into the room, ready for anything.
He's gone. He left me.
I crawl toward the door but collapse halfway there. I'm bleeding on the carpet. Gotta move, he'll see it, anger again, beating again, God please no!
But I can't move. I'm too weak. Still. I sob into the plush carpet. Still the weak fuck I've always been. I'm not good enough for Jonathan. Never have been. I've proved it, gone too far, and now I'll never see him again.
He that loved the fool.
I lie there crying like a silly child for what seemed like forever. Slowly I come back to the real world, the agonizing, evil, God-awful real world. And my insides freeze with horror.
Because he's outside.
He couldn't see this! He couldn't. Jack would get involved in his usual bull-in-tea-garden style and Jon would never see me again, never speak to me. I couldn't let that happen. No!
"Daniel Jackson, if this door's not open in thirty seconds, it's coming down!"
My throat's raw from screaming and crying and I can't do anything but stretch out one hand and croak, "Don't!" If the door was broken down when if Jon came home, he'd blame me. And why not? It's always my fault, always has been, always...
"One Mississippi, two mississippi, thirty, I'm coming in!"
The door burst open and...
...and I think I fainted.
Jack O'Neill thought he might be sick. He and the SG-1 team had been through hell and back, they should be used to seeing each other looking like they'd been through the meat grinder.
But no matter how many times it happened, it still tore Jack up that it happened at all.
His soul tore now looking at Daniel.
The handsome archaeologist was handsome no more. Not now. His face was a bloody mask, his hair matted with dried blood. His legs jutted at odd angles and one hand hung useless from a wrist sporting a compound fracture. His naked body was spotted with bruises and bite marks and blood and oh God! was that a cane mark? A belt mark?
It was when he spotted the blood between Daniel's thighs that the Colonel completely lost it. He went back out into the hall so Daniel wouldn't see. Could he see? Were those blue eyes even there under all that... God, all that blood.
O'Neill fell to his knees and slammed his fists against the wall. His furious roar must have awakened half the city. But he knew that this was doing Daniel no good.
Shakily the colonel stood and drew out his cell phone. He called SGC. The base medics. Daniel needed a hospital. Stat.
My eyes fly open. BANG! from the hall and a bellow that shakes me to my core.
Oh God, now Jack. Jack, my friend. He knows what I've done, knows I've screwed up my life again and he's so angry at me. I messed up again. I mess up everything. I deserve what I've gotten.
What I'm going to get.
O'Neill's in the doorway. I try to curl up and get away from the storming fury in his eyes. He hates me. Oh, he hates me now. He knows what a failure I am. And he can't stand the sight of me.
He's going to hit me, tell me how I've failed him, failed SG-1, failed everybody.
His hand is on my shoulder and his fingers are brushing my hair from my eyes. The base instincts kick in and I cower away. The most pathetic pleas spill from my lips.
don't want to be hurt anymore, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, forgive me, I'll be better, do anything, please Colonel, don't don't don't pleaaaase....
God I hurt.
Jack closed the phone and went to Daniel's side. He touched the younger man lightly, tried to remove the matted brown hair from his face so he could see if-
He sat back on his heels in shock. Daniel's eyes were those of a terrified child. As soon as Jack touched him he quailed, pleading with O'Neill not to hurt him. Then he went limp.
For one terrifying instant Jack thought the man was dead. But then he caught the gentle rise and fall of Jackson's chest. No. Not dead. Fainted.
He could hear the wailing of the ambulance already. He stroked the unconcious man's hair.
"Help's coming, Danny. Coming to take you home."
Jack O'Neill, Samantha Carter, Teal'c and Janet Frasier stood in a little circle around Daniel Jackson's bed. Most of his bones had been set, the lacerations stitched and cleaned. But all the cleaning in the world couldn't hide the ugly bruises all over him. He was a wreck.
SG-1 were a tough squad, the best. They'd been through hell and high water and Goa'uld and all kinds of other crap for each other. But here, now, faced with the pain of their dearest friend, they could barely handle it.
Janet looked up from the instruments. "He should be coming around soon."
Samantha: If only we'd known...
Jack: If I ever get my hands on that sick bastard I'll gut him...
Janet: He should be coming around soon...
My eyes flutter open. They stand around me, hovering. I take one look and moan. They all know now. They all hate me. Just look at the anger in those eyes. Even Teal'c looked ready to murder. I want to cry, to burrow away from all their hate and find a place where everyone loved me.
Hell, I didn't even love me.
So how could anyone else.
Jack speaks first. "Hey Danny, how do you feel?" His voice is strained. The presence of the ladies must have constrained him. I know what he really wants to say.
"Fine," I manage.
"Do you remember what happened?" This from Janet, gently.
I did. God help me, I did.
Daniel sat up so fast his IV was in danger of coming loose. Frasier rushed to fix it and O'Neill put his hands on Daniel's shoulders. "Daniel, calm down, please, lay back now, relax."
It was one thing to see Daniel afraid of someone else. It was entirely different for Daniel to be afraid of his best friend. The injured man twisted and cried, gibbering, "I didn't mean it, please sir, no, please don't hit me, please, I'm sorry..!"
Gently Janet pushed him back onto the bed. "What happened, Daniel?" she asked again.
"You are safe here, Daniel Jackson," rumbled Teal'c helpfully.
"You are safe here, Daniel Jackson."
Safe? Nowhere was safe. I fucked up everything, nothing was safe from the screwball that was Doctor Daniel Jackson. They wanted to know what happened. So did I.
"W-w-where's Jon?" I manage.
Glances were exchanged. Oh great, now they'll keep from me the one man who really loves me. I clutch at O'Neill's sleeve. "Please, I need him, I need to be home when he gets there, if I'm not he'll-"
Big stupid mouth, Jackson, always running off ninety to nothing. Have to put a stop to that. I close my lips, but I've said too much. Sam gives me a significant look. "Do what, Danny?"
I don't want to tell. I can't tell. Jon will leave me if I tell, he'll never love me again. But what do I do? Dumbass, always spilling your guts at the wrong instant.
I tell them everything.
I hate myself.
I want to die.
Outside, Sam Carter pulled her fingers through her blonde hair. "How could we have been so blind, Colonel? The way he was acting, the bruises on his wrists, that time he came in with a broken nose... How could we have been so stupid?"
O'Neill fought the urge to punch something. He agreed with Sam. He felt like an idiot for not seeing what was happening to his best friend. He just plugged away at his work and all the time that son of a bitch was abusing their innocent Daniel? He couldn't think about it.
"He blames himself," Teal'c threw in out of nowhere.
"Daniel Jackson believes he is the cause of everything. He feels that he deserves this kind of abuse. That he is unworthy of love."
Carter's mouth opened and closed like a dying fish. "But he knows we love him!"
"Does he?" The famous Teal'c eyebrow maneuver.
Jack blew out a gusty sigh. "Obviously not. But I think it's time we tell him." He strode purposefully toward Daniel's sick room.
Face buried in my pillow. Never want to come out again. Jon's gone, everything's gone, nobody wants me now, I should just die. Yeah. Lay still and let the air run out. Lay still Danny. This won't hurt much.
A hand descends on my shoulder. I jump three inches. Stupid stupid stupid. I brace for the coming slap, but instead gentle hands turn me over. O'Neill's voice, surprisingly soft. "Turn over, Danny, you need to breathe."
I settle on my back and watch the three of them with solemn eyes. I'm resigned. Whatever they do to me, I can handle it. I... I...
I'm a damn liar.
Sam opens her mouth and I wince. Wait for it...
"We love you Daniel."
I peek cautiously up at her. She looks sincere enough. But how can she be, when she knows me? She spots my doubt and nods. "We all love you, Daniel. You're a huge part of our lives and if anything ever happened to you, SG-1 would fall apart. You're so important to us. Please believe that."
But how can I?
Teal'c chimes in. "The Stargate program would be nothing without you, Daniel Jackson. You are an important man, both to the government and to us. You are loved."
Even Jack speaks up. He clears his throat and I flinch hard at the loud noise. He grabs my hand apologetically and says awkwardly, "You're my best friend, Danny boy. If I lost you, I'd lose myself. No matter what, you'll have a friend in me. In us." His eyes shifted. I can tell he's not used to being this open. Ha.
They like me?
They love me?
They're idiots. So am I.
Because I so want to believe them. Even if it can't be true. Let me believe it, let me live a fantasy where everyone accepts me even though I'm a stupid idiot who can't do anything right.
Sam takes my hand and rests her forehead against mine. "Believe me, Daniel, there is no one on this team more important and more beloved than you."
Right then, I believed her. Stupid, but true.
Who knows, maybe one day I'll believe all of it. Even the lies.
|Warnings:||Non-Consensual Sex Acts, Partner Betrayal|
|Summary:||Finally someone loves me. And I won't mess it up again. I promise. DanielxOC slash briefly, domestic abuse featured.|