‘If I could only stop my mind from wondering what I left behind, and from worryin’ ‘bout this wasted time.’
Jack was on his roof again, his eye glued to his telescope looking at a far distant sun. He had spent a great deal of time in the last year in just this manner, letting his mind wander, trying not to think, not to remember what he had left behind on a small planet revolving that distant sun.
He knew how useless and stupid this behavior was; it wouldn’t change anything. He wondered, as he did each night it was clear enough to see the stars if he had the energy to go out and find a life for himself. But Jack, well … he still had dreams and was reluctant to let go of those dreams. Those dreams were more important to Jack than finding a life.
Jack was a haunted man, haunted in particular by a pair of beautiful blue eyes and full sensuous lips and the memory of a soul shattering kiss he swore he would take to his grave.
Hell, he couldn’t help himself; the blue eyes of Daniel Jackson appeared each night while he was asleep, along with those lips and long elegant fingers attached to large, masculine hands. To make matters worse, several times a week Jack would awaken from sleep, heart pounding, his hand completing the final tugs on his cock, coming explosively while groaning out Daniel’s name. Jack was deeply shamed each time this happened.
The first time it happened, Jack acknowledged the erotic dream had been his mind’s way of letting him know he hadn’t fully dealt with his unresolved feelings for the archeologist. Jack knew there was something more than friendship involved, especially after that kiss, but it was the first time Jack suspected he might have fallen irrevocably in love with Daniel.
Before that first erotic dream, Jack knew Daniel was in large part responsible for him coming to terms with his grief after the death of his son. The mission to Abydos and Daniel did what his wife had been unable to do; force Jack out of his suicidal mindset, crack the wall of misery and guilt Jack had built around himself and entice him back to life.
Now Jack had to deal with his nightly dreams of Daniel as well as the wetter variety that had him coming in his sheets like an untried teenager. Jack had tried mindless sex with both men and women thinking, hoping, if his body was sated the embarrassing dreams would go away. No such luck. The one-night stands were slowly turning Jack into the cold, unfeeling man he’d been before Daniel breached all of his barriers. The erotic dreams still came, along with the shame so Jack stopped having meaningless sex.
Jack wasn’t looking for casual anymore, He longed for the deeper connection he’d started to feel with Daniel. He ached for the unspoken promises he had seen in Daniel’s eyes when they’d said goodbye. The problem was Daniel now lived on a backwater desert planet and Jack was stuck on Earth. He knew the time he wasted wishing for things that could never be was preventing him from finding happiness, but the only person he seemed to want was Daniel. Jack had no desire to spend the rest of his life alone, but … there were those dreams … and he couldn’t let go, not yet … maybe not ever.
While Jack regretted this waste of time, he mostly regretted not staying with Daniel. He’d give anything to undo time, bad decisions and tragic events, but he’d learned from bitter experience that life, fate, whatever, was a cold, unforgiving, mother fucking bitch that didn’t allow do-over’s.
And so Jack O’Neill was a deeply lonely man, more lonely than he had ever been.
For the first time in months Jack let his mind return to the trip through the gate. Not the crazy stuff; the death and dying, the aliens, the bomb, his orders. After years in Special Ops, all that shit was old hat, well, except for the aliens. Command decisions that didn’t always make sense but were never fully questioned by Jack, split second decisions on his part based on the intelligence available on the ground, the ability to kill without hesitation. No, Jack’s mind was allowing him to think freely about Daniel … about that kiss. A kiss Jack hardly ever allowed to enter his mind while he was awake. It was too damn painful.
The brass and the doctors knew he’d retired because he couldn’t cope with his son’s death. The aftermath of Charlie’s death was as bad as it got; out of control drinking, suicidal urges that grew rather than lessened, and a marriage that was over in all but name.
Who better than Jack to lead a mission where the odds of returning were slim and none? Jack O’Neill was not only willing to die for his country; he was counting on it, actively seeking death. There was no better man for the job. That the military shamelessly used him for their own purposes was not a problem for Jack, after all, he’d shamelessly used them as well.
‘I thought by now you’d realize, there ain’t no way to hide your lying eyes’
Jack had been in his son’s bedroom, contemplating his gun when they came. For long moments he ignored the men sent to fetch him as he hefted the gun’s weight and thought about how good the gun would taste as he slipped it into his mouth: Cool and metallic. Jack was eager for that taste. He was unable to wrap his mind around the fact that he was being recalled. It had taken Sara’s cool hand to focus his thoughts on the military presence.
Once the mission had been explained to him, Jack couldn’t wait to go. A way to die honorably was a gift he wouldn’t send back. The men chosen for this mission were all men he’d worked with before. A couple were good friends, the rest were friends in the military sense; he knew them and their abilities, they knew and respected him. He knew he could trust these men; they would carry out his orders, no questions asked.
Except for the geeky scientist. He was the unknown factor and Jack didn’t like going into any mission with such a large unknown. He’d managed to talk himself onto the team going through the Stargate and that alone pissed Jack off.
Although General West felt they had one chance in a thousand to come back home, he insisted Jackson was their best and perhaps only chance. So Jack was stuck with the skinny, sneezing, geeky, albeit brilliant Daniel Jackson.
Once on the other side of the gate, when it became clear Dr. Jackson couldn’t immediately open the gate to get them home, Jack wanted nothing more than to smash his face in. He ordered the geeky scientist to figure it out ASAP, giving Jackson no room to explain, complain or make excuses. Jack gave orders and expected his orders to be carried out forthwith.
When Daniel insisted he had to have more information, had to perhaps see if there were people that could supply the missing symbol, Jack wasn’t a happy camper. He wanted nothing more than to send his men home and to blow the fucking gate thereby ending his own miserable life. But without the missing symbol, Jack was hesitant to carry out Plan B, which was to blow the gate along with every man on this side. Jack had no choice but to believe Daniel could somehow pull the needed symbol from his brilliant brain.
Jack, almost against his will had been impressed as hell when Daniel figured out how to communicate with the indigenous population. He was further impressed at how well Daniel seemed to get along with the population. Jack had seen their innocence and the hero worship the boys had for him and his men. Daniel had the same innocence without the hero worship. Daniel was also the only one to be given a woman to spend some time with. Jack hadn’t been all that surprised when Daniel worked out the last symbol, the symbol to get home.
It was hard being angry with someone when you were busy admiring him and letting yourself be impressed by him. And then of course, all hell broke loose and as in any combat situation, trust must be given and taken. And so Jack began to trust Daniel.
When all the madness, the danger, the fear, the death, and the dying were over, the people of Abydos were in the mood to celebrate and insisted Jack and his men join the party. Jack couldn’t say no, his men needed a wild rollicking party, as did the people of Abydos. Jack was no longer in any hurry to carry out his primary orders even if he’d still had the bomb and needed some time to come up with a plan.
Jack also needed to speak with Daniel, somewhere privately where there was no chance at being disturbed by the increasingly drunken population. At some point, perhaps when looking into Daniel’s eyes over the bomb or seeing Daniel take a killing hit meant for him, something in Jack’s world was rocked. Daniel had gotten to him. Jack wasn’t quite sure how or what it meant, but he meant to find out if he could.
Jack looked up to see Daniel’s beautiful blue eyes staring intently at him as he absently ate something pushed through his lips by the woman he’d been given. Jack felt a shiver run through his body. His eyes softened as he looked up at Daniel, filling with all that he felt inside. “Daniel,” he called out softly, “we need to talk. Somewhere … else, in private.”
Daniel got to his feet at Jack’s request and led them into the darkness of the desert. The glow from numerous fires from inside the dwellings and thousands of stars allowed the two men to see each other if they wanted. For now, they stood side by side, each knowing they faced a difficult conversation.
Jack had come up with a plan, which he needed in order to convince the brass the gate had been neutralized, as ordered. He just might be able to explain why the gate still existed but he no longer had the bomb, was fairly confident he could convince the brass the people of Abydos posed no threat to Earth. His plan would protect the people of Abydos. He needed Daniel to clue in the folks of Abydos as to what they had to do in order to protect themselves from the anal retentive military mindset. The military that might still decide to send a tactical nuke through the gate just to make sure. “Daniel, you’ve got to tell these people to bury the gate when we leave.”
“Problem Jack, I’m not … not going back with you.” Daniel moved to stand in front of Jack, looking at him with that strangely intent gaze.
“Daniel,” Jack began and then faltered. He tried again, falling back on military protocol, “Daniel, I can’t leave you here. I’m responsible for you.”
“ Jack. Don’t you see? This is literally a once in a lifetime chance for me. I can study an ancient Egyptian society, practically unchanged. All of my theories, being handed to me. Let’s face it; I don’t have much of a career left back on Earth. And then there’s Sha’re. They consider us married Jack. If I leave, I don’t know what would happen to her.”
Jack seized on the weakest part of Daniel’s argument, “Did you fuckin’ ask to get married?”
“No, of course I didn’t, but it’s … done. I feel responsible for her now. Maybe … maybe, you’d consider … staying? “
“For what Daniel?” Jack spit out.
“For … me, for … us”
“There is no us Daniel. I repeat, no fucking us,” Jack growled, his eyes snapping in anger and denying whatever this … feeling … this … thing between them was. But Jack was lying.
Jack made no effort to move when Daniel raised his hand to Jack’s face and cupped it. “Jack, I know you’re lying. You can hide and lie about what you’re feeling from your men, maybe even to yourself but … not from me. There’s a … a connection between us … I know I’m right; I’m not the only one feeling it. I saw it Jack … I saw it in your eyes.” Daniel leaned forward and gently kissed Jack.
Jack refused to respond at first. Daniel’s lips left Jack’s, and rained kisses on Jack’s jaw and neck. His arms tightened around Jack’s back and he slanted his lips against Jack’s, licking and gently biting.
Jack groaned low and deep in his throat and fell into the kiss, responding though he had promised himself he wouldn’t. If felt inevitable, he’d known somewhere deep inside, almost from the start that he’d end up kissing Daniel. It was what he wanted, maybe even what he needed.
And then, unable to help himself, he began to kiss Daniel back, as he drew Daniel’s body closer.
Their lips met and then parted, their tongues twining and curling around each other. The first moments of the kiss were a gentle, almost shy exploration. It deepened to passion soon after, an unexpected passion, a slow burn licking at both men relentlessly, each of them demanding and then receiving a response.
Both men moaned as the kiss captured them, refusing to let them go.
Jack couldn’t remember the last time he’d wanted to kiss anyone with such joyful abandon, such passion.
He angled his neck so Daniel could nip and lick to his heart’s content and then took his turn kissing and tasting Daniels’s neck and face and mouth, and those full lips. Jack wanted to lose himself against those lips, and fantasies surrounding those lips were enough to further set Jack on fire. Jack was lost in the sensations and wanted nothing more than to climb into Daniel’s skin.
Jack combed his hands through Daniel’s hair, holding his head just where he wanted it. His tongue plunged, stroked rhythmically and memorized Daniel’s mouth. Jack tried with every fiber of his being to explain the feelings, the primitive heat he’d developed for Daniel through his kiss.
Jack wanted Daniel to understand going back to Earth meant they could explore these intense feelings together. No kiss had ever affected Jack like this one and he wanted it to last till he died.
Daniel matched Jack stroke for stroke, allowing Jack to plunder his mouth at will. One of Daniel’s hands made it’s way to Jack’s ass where he forced Jack’s body ever closer. His other hand tangled in Jack’s closely cropped hair, holding Jack’s head so he couldn’t break this kiss that was meant to show all that Daniel felt for Jack.
Daniel wanted Jack to know, to understand, to feel his raw emotions. He put all his passion into this one kiss and no kiss given or taken had ever affected him like this. He wanted this kiss to go on forever.
Daniel wrapped his leg around Jack, softly moaning into his neck, the gust of his breath causing shudders to run through Jack. He felt the hot, hard length of Jack rubbing against his own hardness. They’d begun the sweet slide of friction that would bring them to completion when sanity suddenly slammed into Jack. He stiffened and pushed Daniel’s body away. “We can’t do this Daniel ... I’m leaving … you’re staying and you … you just got fucking married,” Jack said with a bitter laugh.
“Please Jack … please.”
“If we go on from here Daniel, there’s no fuckin’ way I’ll let you stay. I’ll carry you kicking and screaming through the fuckin’ gate, and you’ll end up hating me.”
Jack took deep breaths to try and get himself under control. “You’re going to have to bury the gate Daniel, if they think it wasn’t destroyed, they might send a bomb through and level everything, promise me,” Jack pleaded. Jack had been willing to stretch the truth to protect the Abydonians, but now it was Daniels’s ass on the line. He knew he’d have to lie his ass off and ask his men to do the same. But he had no choice, he needed this to work; he needed Daniel to be safe.
“Yes, Jack, of course, whatever. Please Jack, please, won’t you….”
“I can’t Daniel,” Jack groaned as he bent his head one last time for the sweet taste of Daniel’s lips. He swiped his tongue against Daniel’s lips, felt Daniel responding and gave in to the heated passion one last time.
When Jack felt the kiss deepen, he tore himself away, stroked Daniel’s face one last time, sorrow and regret already settling within him. He saw Daniel sink to the desert floor and heard his soft moan. His body rigid, Jack began walking away. Everything in Jack was screaming to go back, to gather Daniel in his arms and finish what they had started, but Jack refused to go to him, refused even to look back.
He just wanted to get what was left of his men, get the fuck off this planet and go home.
When Sha’re saw her new husband lead O’Neill away from the gathering, she followed. She couldn’t understand why Daniel was leading O’Neill a short way into the desert, away from the fires and the gathering. Seeing the two men talking she relaxed, the vague anxiety she’d been feeling gone. Moments later, she was the unwitting witness to a passionate, clinging kiss, a kiss that seemed to go on forever and brought the heat of humiliation and rage to her face. She wanted nothing more than to scream and tear the flesh from both of them. She wouldn’t release her new husband ... the shame would be unbearable. Sha’re had her share of pride and she had no desire to be the subject of crude jokes if it were discovered her husband preferred a man to her.
Kawalsky noting the colonel leave with Daniel figured they needed to discuss their original orders. Kawalsky didn’t think Jack would be able to blow the gate even if they still had the bomb and he’d probably come up with some sort of plan. When he saw Daniel’s woman follow, he thought it best to follow as well. He’d gotten close with a lot of the kids here, but the women were unknowns and it was his job to watch the colonel’s six.
Keeping the woman in sight while not being discovered himself was child’s play even in an alien desert. When the colonel and Daniel began kissing, Kawalsky chuckled, having sensed that Daniel was getting to the colonel. He just hadn’t thought it was quite this much or in quite this way. He understood though; hell, Daniel was sweet and hot enough to get a rise out of the dead and he knew the colonel well enough to know he couldn’t have left a puzzle as deep, complex and layered as Daniel alone. He watched until the colonel walked away wanting to make sure the woman wouldn’t break things up.
A short time later, Jack informed his remaining men they’d be leaving at first light.
‘I get this feeling I may know you, as a lover and a friend, but this voice keeps whispering in my other ear, tells me I may never see you again.’
Daniel’s heart felt as though it were breaking. He felt the weight of unasked for obligations weighing him down. He knew he would never see Jack again, would never again have the opportunity for this particular love. He recognized the depth of feeling that had unexpectedly sprung up between them. Daniel had known enough sorrow in his life to be willing to grab on to joy however and whenever it came. He also knew that Jack wasn’t yet ready to take the same chance. The kiss had been Daniel’s way to persuade Jack to take a leap of faith, an attempt to change Jack’s mind. He had failed.
Daniel dialed Earth, and turned to Jack, his eyes saying all he couldn’t say aloud. Daniel wanted to beg Jack to stay … stay and explore whatever it was they had between them, stay for … him, stay for … a chance at love.
Jack’s eyes were telling Daniel everything he had tried to tell him through his kiss. Although Jack hadn’t known Daniel for long, he had felt the connection they’d forged on this far away planet. Jack didn’t know the why of that connection, but he acknowledged its existence. He knew the chances of ever seeing Daniel again were remote, that he would never get the shot to find out if the promise in Daniel’s kiss could come to anything. He’d tried to get Daniel to come home with him. He had failed.
Jack sought Daniel’s eyes after he dialed up the wormhole, his eyes saying all he couldn’t say aloud. Jack wanted to beg Daniel to come back with him … to come back and explore whatever it was they had between them, come back for … him, come back for … a chance at love.
Jack couldn’t stay and Daniel wouldn’t leave.
As Jack approached the event horizon, he looked back one last time at Daniel, caught his eyes, forced a smile into his voice and said, “I’ll be seeing you around, Doctor Jackson.” He stepped into the blue and returned home to begin his dreaming.
‘I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight with a billion stars all around.’
Jack came back to the here and now, aware that his cheeks were wet. He’d been sitting and crying over a dream that would never see the light of day.
Soon after they’d come back from Abydos, Kawalsky had given him a CD of music by The Eagles. A line from one of the songs had played over and over in his head for a year now; ‘I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight, with a billion stars all around.’ Jack hadn’t been able to convince Daniel to come back to Earth, but he wished he had made love with him on that desert world. Regretted it with every thing he was that they settled for a kiss only.
The sound of a car’s doors slamming pulled Jack out of his reverie. It took him a moment to swipe his hands across his face to wipe away the tears and to understand that once again the military was on his doorstep. This time, Jack was eager even as he told his foolish heart that it couldn’t have anything to do with Daniel.
“Colonel Jack O’Neill, I’m under orders to bring you to General Hammond. It’s important, Sir, it has to do with the Stargate.”
‘If it all fell to pieces tomorrow, would you still be mine?’
Okay, well maybe it does have to do with Daniel. The thought that I’d lied about what happened on Abydos, about what happened to Daniel, about the fucking bomb, all of it, never really crossed my mind. I didn’t really give a shit; I was way too excited thinking I might see Daniel again. A court martial, the brig, I just wasn’t focused on any of those things.
Hammond filled me in on the details of the attack from the gate. I was shown the body of an alien casualty, and I knew I was in for some intense questioning. I still thought I could bluff my way out of this and keep secret the fact that Daniel hadn’t died on the first mission. As much as I wanted Daniel I didn’t want to bring him trouble. I was also fairly certain Daniel had buried the Abydos gate.
I guess that’s why it came as a bit of a shock when I saw Kawalsky and Ferretti being questioned in the next room. I didn’t want them to take any heat for what was ultimately my decision. I fessed up when Hammond started making noise about sending another bomb through the gate even though he had damn good cause. No way could I let that happen. If Daniel had unburied the gate for some reason, I wouldn’t let Daniel pay the price for my decision. I asked to lead another mission through the gate, but Hammond wasn’t inclined to listen to any requests from me.
Hammond threw me in a holding cell, but as long as Daniel and those kids were safe, I found it hard to care about what could happen to me. I had some time to think and I knew I should have been a tad more concerned about a bunch of glowing eyed aliens who vastly outgunned us than I was about Daniel, but I knew damned well I had it bad for the guy, as in head over heels, forever bad.
How I managed to convince Hammond to allow me to attempt to contact Daniel, I’ll never know. The wait for a return message was agonizing. The SF’s were armed and on high alert in case the aliens tried another attack. When the gate engaged and an empty tissue box was thrown onto the ramp, I ran to get it. My heart skipped several beats when I saw Daniel’ message of ‘Thanks, send more’. I tried to keep the sappy grin off my face and I guess I succeeded to some extent because Hammond was telling me to consider myself recalled - I was leading another mission to Abydos.
I wanted to put my own team together and was shot down by Hammond. Considering he could still put me behind bars, I shut my mouth for once. I couldn’t see Daniel if I was locked up, and that’s all that keep me quiet. I had lost the mindless ability to stop thinking and simply take orders on the first trip through the Stargate. I’d still follow some orders, but only if they made sense to me, and if I’d be able to sleep at night.
Hammond introduced Sam Carter, make that Captain Doctor Samantha Carter, and I couldn’t help it, I groaned aloud. Just what the team needed, a scientist and an astrophysicist no less. I heard her clipped tones, tuned out most of what she said, but I caught the tone and didn’t care for it.
“… I should have been on the first mission,” Sam bit out. Okay, she thought, that wasn’t too bad. I let ‘em know that yes, I’m a woman but I’m still a capable soldier. I wish I could have told them what they were staring at weren’t tits but balls and mine were bigger than theirs. Damn, I should have been on the first trip. It’s so unfair; I earned it. I would have figured out how to open the gate.
I had read and memorized every word written about the opening of the gate and the first trip through it. When the unexpected attack through the gate occurred it became apparent, at least to me that Colonel O’Neill’s version of things might have been a little left of the truth. I looked at the man and boldly stared and took stock of him. Long and lean, all hard angles, very good looking with sculpted features, calm and warm brown eyes that turned calculating and steely once he became aware of my scrutiny.
I couldn’t imagine what would have made O’Neill risk his career. Of course, he’d retired again soon after he returned from Abydos, but still. I next turned my attention to two of the original team members, Kawalsky and Ferretti and suddenly realized that these men had lied as well. I wondered why such loyalty to Jack O’Neill, what did he have that would allow career military men to risk it all?
I thought I’d be wise to sit back and observe before I came to any conclusions. It was obvious to me that any officer who’d lied about a mission of such import yet got to lead a second such mission had pull, lots of it. Any other officer would be in handcuffs. I wasn’t about to stick my foot in a shit pile until I had all the relevant data. And even then I would more than likely keep my mouth shut. I was where I wanted to be, and if O’Neill had as much power as I thought he had … Well, I had no desire to end up at a posting at the back of beyond, thank you very much. I had worked too damn hard to get here. I had ambitions and was driven.
I knew the second Carter’s eyes slid over me, feeling the contempt along with a feral and speculative glare. Eight months ago I would have welcomed the challenge and would have put some effort into getting her naked and on her back. Now, I could barely put the effort into a menacing stare. I heard the petty jealousy in her voice, the jealousy I’m sure she thought she was hiding. One of the reasons I’m so good at my job is the ability to immediately assess people.
So far I was underwhelmed. I didn’t care how smart Carter thought she was or even how smart she actually was, she needed to back the fuck down. I let her know it was her status as a scientist that irritated me, not the fact she was a woman. As we were unsure what we’d find on the other side of the wormhole, I needed to know she could pull her weight and follow orders, my orders. A little respect would be nice too.
When she saw she couldn’t engage me in her little pissing contest she adjusted her attitude all on her own. When she glanced back at me I saw the beginning of respect, grudgingly given perhaps, but there. Had I not seen it, she wouldn’t be coming on this little joyride, Hammond or no Hammond. I think she got that. Okay, point for Carter, she’s not dumb and she catches on quick.
A couple of hours later we were geared up and ready to go. I was glad Kawalsky and Ferretti were among those watching my six. Hammond gave the order to dial up Abydos and we watched as the MALP made its way through the event horizon. I heard the guys telling Carter the trip through the wormhole was a lot rougher in actuality than in theory.
When the MALP imagery indicated no hostiles, Hammond told us we had a go and my team began making their way through the gate. Hammond reiterated his orders to me that I was to bring Daniel Jackson back to Earth. I walked the final few feet with Carter; she hesitated at the event horizon, examining it, so I pushed her through, anxious to get to the other side. The uncertainty of what we’d find was winding me up and I needed to find out if Daniel was okay.
When we got to the other side we were surrounded by a couple of dozen young men holding weapons. I quickly scanned the room and saw Daniel striding in at the same time I spotted one of the kids I had gotten to know rather well: Skaara. Ignoring Daniel, I greeted Skaara with the embrace I wanted to give Daniel.
When I thought I would be able to handle seeing Daniel without attacking him and kissing him boneless, I released Skaara. I turned to look at the man with whom I had fallen in love and had been constantly in my dreams for the last year.
I could tell he had packed on some muscle even though he was covered in ugly burlap like robes. His hair, all honeyed brown and golden glints was still on the long side. His glasses were broken and held together by string. There were new lines of tension around his eyes, but his mouth, now curved in a slight smile was just as lush and filled with the promise of pleasure as I remembered.
Daniel was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen and my long and loving look let him know it. I tried also to let my eyes tell him that I was in love with him, and I wanted him. God, how I wanted him. I wanted to grab his hand and find a private place and make love with him for days on end. It took every bit of the discipline I’d ever learned in service not pull him into my arms and kiss him. When our eyes met, I saw my hunger and yearning reflected and returned in full measure.
His wife kissing him almost as passionately as we had kissed in the desert suddenly blocked my view of Daniel. My eyes closed briefly against the pain and I had to force myself to look at Daniel kissing his wife. I steeled myself against the absolute agony I knew was coming, then I looked and really saw. There was no response from Daniel. He was allowing the kiss to happen, wasn’t fighting it, but neither was he kissing back. How could he be? His eyes were open, searching for me.
The alpha male in me roared in triumph. Whatever connection Daniel and I had was still alive; nothing had touched it, not a year apart, not his marriage, and not the woman. His lack of response to her kiss was all the proof I needed. His eyes told me all I’d ever want to know.
I saw Jack the moment I entered the gate room and my mind was unable to form a coherent thought for long moments. All I could do was silently chant his name. I knew with absolute certainty something had to have happened on Earth, but at the moment I couldn’t find it in me to care. I was too happy to see him, the beautiful and hard, long length of him, his chiseled face, and his strong, capable hands. I got a brief look at the emotion in his eyes when he went to greet Skaara while ignoring me. I knew he was trying to get himself under control.
After what felt like an eternity, Jack turned his focus on me. I was taking in his heated look, and felt a blush rising; I’m sure my gaze was just as hungry, just as heated. I was telling him of my love, my desire, my need, my loneliness, god, just everything. Everyone else in the room disappeared for me and there was only Jack. I wanted to kiss him and make love with him, devour him and never, ever let him out of my sight again.
My stare was cut short when Sha’re began to kiss me. I knew this was a way for her to proclaim her ownership and to assuage her pride in front of her people. She wasn’t about to let the intense, electric stare that Jack and I were engaged in continue a second longer than it had already gone on.
I let the kiss happen but there was no way I could respond. There was no genuine emotion behind her kiss and I knew it. After my initial surprise, I let my eyes search for Jack, letting him see what this kiss meant.
Sha’re had let me know soon after Jack went home that she’d been a witness to the passionate kiss we shared in the desert. I understood why she felt a deep need to claim me in front of the man I had inadvertently fallen in love with. She had little choice in her society; she had to accept me as her husband, I could divorce her, she didn’t have the same option. Her pride was stung however, and the knowledge of what she couldn’t have had started her on the path to bitterness.
She’d known, with an unshakable certainty, even before I did, what was between Jack and myself. It wasn’t just the possibility of love, it wasn’t just lust or attraction or the gentleness of a new love. If it had been any of those things Sha’re would have fought for me. After all, Jack was millions of miles away and she was … there.
She knew it was the raw, deep, everlasting, I just met my soul mate sort of love. Sha’re was wise enough to know that she couldn’t compete, and so she hadn’t even tried. I tried to give her my respect and friendship knowing it wasn’t enough but I also knew it was all I could give to her. She eventually accepted my friendship and although our marriage wasn’t what either of us wanted or expected, we both made the best of it.
When Sha’re let me go from her embrace, I stepped back and felt my hand being grabbed by a tall blonde woman. “Daniel Jackson,” she exclaimed, “I’m Samantha Carter. It’s good to finally meet you.” Sam babbled, in an effort to dispel some of the tension swirling around the room.
I was shocked when I saw the scintillating look between the colonel and Dr. Jackson. My first thought had been, Holy Hannah, get a goddamned room, even as I felt an incessant throbbing and a surge of wetness between my legs. The testosterone level was off the fucking charts. Their eye lock had been that torrid.
I looked around at the rest of the team and except for Kawalsky and Ferretti who were grinning like naughty children; everyone else was pretending to be busy. I wondered if someone replaced don’t ask, don’t tell with don’t fucking look, don’t notice and forgot to tell me. That look answered a lot of questions for me though. I dismissed the woman kissing Dr. Jackson, whoever she was; she was irrelevant to my conclusions.
I now knew the reason Colonel O’Neill had lied about the first mission, or should I say who he lied for. The only thing I didn’t get was why the colonel had left his … what … boyfriend … lover behind? I also wondered when they would have had time to become lovers. From all accounts, everything that happened went down pretty fast. I now had my relevant data, but I could play don’t look, don’t notice as well as anyone.
I’d gotten a good look at Dr. Jackson and even in those ugly robes he was a hottie. Colonel O’Neill didn’t exactly get beaten with the ugly stick either. I would’ve given up a months salary to have either one of them look at me like that. Hell, to have anyone look at me with such … longing. I was no virgin, but I’d never received or given a look that hot or needy.
Dr Jackson, returning my handshake absently, suddenly smiled, “Ferretti, Kawalsky. It’s good to see you.”
I was really happy to see Kawalsky and Ferretti. They’d given me a hard time when I couldn’t immediately open the gate, but I liked to think I’d earned their respect. Ferretti clapped me on my back, telling me he was glad to see me.
Kawalsky gave me a rough one armed hug, whispering in my ear, “Do right by the colonel, Daniel, he’s been hurting bad.”
I didn’t know what to say to that, I wanted to do right by Jack; I wanted to do lots of things to Jack. I’d been hurting too, but the idea of Jack hurting nearly undid me. It pained me more than I could say that Jack had been unhappy because of my decision to stay on Abydos.
When Jack told me about the attack through the Stargate on Earth, I was glad I could provide them with the results of my research; research I’d spent long months on in an attempt to keep boredom at bay and my sanity intact.
I took Jack, Captain Carter and Kawalsky to the cartouche chamber, explaining the attack could not have come from the Abydos gate as it was always guarded. By the time I’d finished explaining the significance of the cartouche room, all hell had broken loose in the Stargate room and my wife and her brother were gone.
‘It wasn’t really wasted time.’
After we returned to Earth from Chulak, it sunk in that my time on Abydos had come to a sudden and violent end and Sha’re and Skaara had paid the price for my curiosity. I felt such guilt and remorse and vowed I would do everything in my power to find and rescue them. I couldn’t do anything less and still live with myself.
Jack let me know I’d be staying with him until I got settled. God help me, I felt relief and a slow spiral of desire coursing through my body.
We didn’t speak on the ride to Jack’s house. I hardly knew where to begin and so said nothing. I kept stealing glances at him though, but Jack kept his eyes on the road. When we had left the mountain, I was dropping with exhaustion, now I was keyed up, just a bundle of nerves and energy.
Jack opened his door and steered me to his living room and the couch. I sank into it and remembered Kowalski’s telling me that Jack had been hurting. I needed to let him know it was no different for me. Needed desperately to let him know I still wanted him, loved him, despite my guilt and my grief about Sha’re and Skaara. I guess that makes me a selfish bastard, but I wasn’t about to miss my chance for love, I’d missed it too many times already.
I wanted to try and explain what I was feeling to Jack. It’s never been easy for me to open up, but I had to make the attempt. It wasn’t that I didn’t love Sha’re, I did, but not in the way she expected. It felt like I ruined three lives when I decided to stay on Abydos, Sha’re’s, Jack’s and mine. I tried to do the right thing for Sha’re and it bit me on the ass.
I felt guilt rising up again and I wondered if I had just left the damn gate buried if the attack on Abydos could have been prevented. The truth is, it wasn’t in my nature to leave well enough alone. Besides curiosity, there was my unspoken hope that if I unburied the gate it might bring Jack to me.
After I met Jack, no marriage I was part of could have been the passionate, all-consuming thing marriage was meant to be. Sha’re understood this, she wasn’t happy about it, but accepted it as her culture and her pride demanded. I couldn’t have had a marriage with anyone, not when I was so deeply in love with Jack.
I just started talking, it didn’t matter how it came out, as long as it got said. “Jack, don’t misunderstand me. I have feelings for Sha’re, not … not like I have for … but I owe her. I’m … obligated to find her. Can you understand that? It’s true, we didn’t have a … but still …” I left the words hanging, trying to explain why I felt the need to rescue Sha’re, but also trying to explain the way I still felt towards him.
I not only understood Daniel’s obligation, I intended to help him fulfill it. That’s the kind of man he is and the kind of man I am. I knew my next question was going to be difficult as well as awkward. I just needed to know, selfish as it sounds, if I still had a chance, a place in his life. I was hoping that his obvious guilt over what happened to Sha’re and Skaara wouldn’t get in the way of what was between us. I opened my mouth to speak but words became unnecessary as I felt Daniel’s hand grasp mine, twining our fingers together.
“Jack,” he began, “I missed you. It was … difficult to be happy on Abydos, for me anyway. I got … bored after a couple of months. That’s why I spent so much time in the cartouche room. I needed to be doing … something. All I could think of was you … how much I wanted to be with you … how much I loved …” his voice trailed off and he moved so that his body was touching mine.
I gathered Daniel in my arms at his words, burrowed my face into his shoulder and began to weep. It was a release I sorely needed. I had suffered in the last year, barely allowing myself to think or feel and all that bottled up emotion came rushing out in my tears. Daniel held me tight, stroking my back and whispered soothing, meaningless words in my ear. I think he understood and didn’t try to stop the storm; he just went with it.
When I was done, Daniel cupped my face and slowly kissed me. It was a chaste kiss, closed lips moving over mine and then moving to kiss my tears away. I held on tight and whispered, “I love you, Daniel, I know my timing isn’t great, I just wanted you to know.”
“Thank god. I love you too. No more wasted time, Jack,” he told me, as held out a hand for me.
I took his hand as I stood, leading him to my bedroom. I needed to have him in my arms and in my bed. I removed my clothes, never taking my eyes from his beautiful face. He watched me undress, not moving, but I saw his lips part slightly and heard his increasingly harsh breathing in the hushed quiet. Naked, hard and trembling, I slowly undressed Daniel, exposing his soft, smooth flesh inch by delectable inch.
I could handle weapons of mass destruction and just about any gun ever made, but I was almost afraid to touch Daniel. I kept thinking this was just another dream I would awaken from and so I touched Daniel not with the passion I longed to touch him with, but with a touch as unsure as I once touched my newborn son. Yet, I could feel his strength underneath his stillness and under my questing hands and very soon my touch became bolder and more sure.
Daniel began stroking me as if I were something delicate and rare. He touched me and looked at me as though I were heartbreakingly fragile and beautiful. His touch was sure and loving and moved me as no other touch had. There were no words spoken, none were needed. Any questions we might once have had, had been asked and answered on a far distant desert.
I felt desire wash over and through me, and I needed to feel all of Daniel against me. I pulled him to the bed, drew his body on top of mine, opened my legs to him and felt him settle in as though we had been doing this for years rather than for the first time. My hands entangled themselves through his hair and our lips met in a kiss infinitely sweeter than I had remembered.
Nothing else in the world existed for me, just his body, heavy, hot and hard against mine, our tongues entwined and stroking, matching the slow, long glide of his cock against mine. One kiss flowed into the next as we slowly rocked together for an endless time, my hands holding Daniel tightly against me, the passion climbing and spiraling. His was the touch I had been missing, craving, longing for.
The friction was nearly unbearable, and I felt sparks of pleasure gathering in my stomach and balls.
Our bodies were slippery with sweat, and I could smell the musky scent of our arousal, feel his muscles moving smoothly under his skin beneath my hands. I felt his hands roaming my body, greedy for me, his touch sure and knowing. Daniel, never losing the sensuous rhythm he set peppered my face and neck with tiny nips, growling and moaning against my sensitized skin before coming back to my mouth, again and again. I answered his moans with small whimpers I had never heard before.
Needing to get closer, my hands slid from his back to cup his ass as I forced his body to grind harder into mine. I could feel my orgasm building … building to unimagined heights. I rocked harder against Daniel, needing, wanting more … more friction, just more … “God, yes, yes, Daniel, oh my god.”
The sound of my voice freed Daniel, and he lost his rhythm, his smooth glide and rocking becoming rough and urgent as he slammed his body and throbbing hard cock into mine. My name became his litany as he chanted it over and over and over again.
I felt his body tense and strain toward orgasm. He threw his head back and roared his pleasure as he came. The sound of him, the feel of him riding me so hard, the wet heat splashing over my groin as he came, threw me over the edge, and I fell hard … long and hard, softly moaning his name.
We were both left shattered and trembling for long moments as we rode out the waves of pleasure. We lay together, just holding each other for an endless time.
But we were too hungry, too greedy to not give and take what we had both yearned for over the last year.
Our hands touched and stroked and caressed. We explored each other’s bodies, our hands skimming broad expanses of flesh with avarice and tenderness both. Every touch so perfect, raising shudders, getting us hard and throbbing and aching.
When I felt Daniel’s mouth at my nipples, suckling first one, then the other, I had to taste him. He moaned when I moved and again when I took his cock into my mouth. I wanted him to come in my mouth, screaming my name, making him forget any lover that ever touched him before me. I wanted him never even to think of letting anyone other than me touch him again. I wanted to make him mine.
His cock was long and thick and more beautiful to me than I had words for. I let my lips and tongue play over the head of his cock, licking him with a soft tongue, kissing and gently scraping my teeth over him. When I heard the desperate and needy moaning sounds Daniel was making, his husky plea of ‘Jack, please, please,’ I almost lost it. I fiercely bit back my own need and concentrated on Daniel.
I took him into my mouth and into my throat, greedy for him, stroking and caressing his balls. His thrusting hips let me know what he needed, and his hand was heavy on my head as his cock slid in and out of me. ‘Yes, Jack, yes,’ were now the only words he could say, and he couldn’t stop saying them, panting and gasping around them.
He started to move with more urgency, more speed and more power. I felt his cock swell slightly in my mouth and knew he was going to come. I loved seeing Daniel come apart like this, couldn’t wait to taste him, to feel him erupting in my mouth. It was so intimate, so damn sexy to me and I’d been waiting for so long to have this.
Hands fisting the sheets, head thrashing, hips bucking wildly, he came hard, yelling my name, his cock pulsing and jerking in my mouth, all of him so suddenly stiff and trembling. I swallowed whatever he gave me and sucked him dry, refusing to let him go until he was nearly purring.
When Daniel gave a little sigh of contentment along with a wiggle into the bed, I suddenly became aware of my own raging desire. I bumped my erection against Daniel’s leg and he moved so his mouth was back at my nipples. That beautiful wet mouth and talented tongue began driving me insane.
I knew I couldn’t hold off much longer, and I desperately wanted to see his kiss-swollen lips wrapped around my hard cock. I’d been dreaming of how that luscious pout and those full lips would look and feel on me for almost a year. I cupped his head and thrust my hips at him and he was on me so fast I nearly stopped breathing.
I gave myself up to Daniel’s mouth, and the almost unbearable pleasure he was giving me. My breath sobbing harshly, Daniel put my hand on his head and I gripped and pulled at his hair while he held my hips down. Seeing the sparks behind my closed eyes, and feeling my balls tighten up against my body I struggled to open my eyes. When I saw his hollowed cheeks and full lips around me, I came violently down his throat, thrusting for long moments afterwards, completely incapable of stopping and unable to talk…
“Love you, Jack.”
“I love you also, Daniel,” I told him, knowing for the moment it was all that counted.
I gathered Daniel to me and held him close. I could hear his breathing evening out, felt him fall asleep in my arms. I wasn’t quite sure what the morning would bring, but for the first time in more than a year I fell asleep happy. We were taking a chance at love.
|Genres:||Angst, Character Study, First Time, Missing Scene/Episode-Related|
|Warnings:||Adult Themes, Sexual Situations|
|Summary:||What happened during the first mission to Abydos, when Jack came home and when Jack and Daniel are reunited.|
A fair warning to those who care, I have taken major liberties with canon. Spoilers for the movie and Children of the Gods. Thanks to Phoenix E. for uploading the 'kiss' photos.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Story divisions from songs Lying Eyes, Peaceful Easy Feeling, Take It To The Limit and Wasted Time by The Eagles.
Although the 'gifting' of women is not unheard of, it rarely takes the form of marriage. I find it hard to believe a Western trained anthropologist would accept such a gift and form a lasting bond with the woman involved.
Although the 'gifting' of women is not unheard of, it rarely takes the form of marriage. I find it hard to believe a Western trained anthropologist would accept such a gift and form a lasting bond with the woman involved.