9. Pesky Archaeologist! by Sara
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Category: General
Genres: Drabble, Friendship, Humor, PWP - Plot, What Plot?, Vignette
Rated: Pre-Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Those Pesky Kids!
Summary: Daniel drags Jack into some senior citizen fun!!! Uh oh!! ^_^

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Story Notes:
For some bizarre reason, this idea came to me a few days ago! It's a short story for the boys, just for some laughs! It's set in season 7 and takes place a few years after my 'Those Pesky Kids' UK adventure. However, this story can be read on its own. Enjoy reading!
Pesky Archaeologist


“I can’t believe you talked me into this, Daniel!”

“Stop complaining, Jack. It’s for a good cause.”

Good cause, my sweet ass! Daniel insisted I be dragged along to this God forsaken old people’s home to help entertain the old timers. To cut a long story short, I am an unwilling participant in one of Daniel’s latest ridiculous ideas. I tried kicking and screaming. There may even have been a teensy bit of stamping of feet on my part too. Needless to say, nothing worked because I am standing right here in the middle of this damn room, surrounded by wrinkly, crinkly old ladies. One of which is alarmingly intent on paying tribute to my ass! I’ve tried to escape her pinching clutches, but she’s pretty sprightly in that wheelchair. Perhaps I could just wheel her to the top of the stairs and let off the brake.

“Jack, behave.”

“What?”

How the hell did he know what I was thinking?!

Apparently, Daniel used to be quite a regular visitor here until he so inconsiderately ascended. Now that he’s back among the land of the solid, he’s eager to make up for his year-long absence. Evidently, my ass and I have to suffer the consequences!

This is one of those moments in life where being pinned down by enemy fire and facing certain death is preferable to what you are about to put yourself through. It’s also one of those times when being Daniel’s best friend really sucks.

“Are you ready, Jack?”

“No.”

The reason I will never be ready is because Daniel has plumbed the depths of his ever-evolving brain, rummaged around in the many file folders of pointless information stored there, and managed to discover a new and truly horrifying way of callously murdering me with embarrassment. You know that song, ‘There’s a hole in my bucket’? Well, the old folks wanted to know a little more about Daniel’s job, so despite the key word 'classified' and with the argument that they'll never believe a word of it anyway, he has re-written the words to suit. He felt doing it to a song would be more entertaining, and apparently that’s one thing these horny old biddies need - entertainment. Now, to add insult to injury, we are to perform said ditty in front of them all. It’s just a shame it has to be at the expense of my own life. Daniel is going to pay for this!

Geez! That is if I can breathe through the scent of eau de formaldehyde that seems to radiate off the old trout that currently has her hand back on my ass!

“Ma’am, do you mind?”

“Not at all, young man.”

Uck!

“Daaaaniel!”

“Edith is ninety seven, Jack. I highly doubt she can do you any harm.”

“Yeah, right!”

Daniel is dressed as a civilian and I have been coerced into donning full combat gear. Daniel said it was important in helping to illustrate the song. Bastard! We managed to frighten the crap out of a few civilians walking past the home though, which was at least some consolation. I guess it maybe, possibly, perhaps had something to do with the fact that I yelled, ‘STOP THAT MAN’ while running up behind Daniel. Before I could even reach him, he’d been tackled to the ground by some burly passer-by. Funny as hell! I was treated to a swift slap upside the head from Daniel for that one, but it was still worth it.

“Ow!”

“Ooh, young man!”

Unfortunately, despite my state of dress, I am sans weapons. Shame really. I could have zatted Edith!

“Okay, Jack, let’s do it.”

“Oh, crap, oh, hell, oh, shit!”

“And don’t you dare change the lyrics, Jack!”

“Daniel, let’s just get this over with so I can die, please.”

Oh, you’re kidding me! We’re being formally announced?!

“Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome our very own Dr Daniel Jackson and his good friend, Colonel Jack O’Neill!”

There’s clapping, lots of clapping. And the music’s started.

Okay, Jack, deep breath.

“There’s a hole in my Stargate, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. There’s a hole in my Stargate, dear Daniel, a hole.”

Forget Edith; I could have zatted myself!

“Then step through it, dear Jack, dear Jack, dear Jack. Step through it, dear Jack, dear Jack, step through.”

“But where will it take me, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. But where will it take me, dear Daniel, oh where?”

Seriously, kill me immediately!

“Another planet, dear Jack, dear Jack, dear, Jack. Another planet, dear Jack, dear Jack, a planet.”

“But there are aliens, dear Daniel, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. There are aliens, dear Daniel, dear Daniel, aliens.”

He even has me doing stupid little mimes to this song! I have to ‘gesticulate’, I think he said, with my hands to help enact out what I’m saying. He’s doing it too, but I’m still gonna kill him for this!

“Talk to them, dear Jack, dear Jack, dear Jack. Talk to them, dear Jack, dear Jack, just talk.”

That’s it! I’m not playing anymore!

“I want to shoot them, dear Daniel, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. I want to shoot them, dear Daniel, dear Daniel, and me!”

Yep! There’s that look! Daniel’s ‘what the hell are you doing, Jack?’ look.

“It’s offering its sceptre, dear Jack, dear Jack. It’s offering its sceptre, dear Jack, take it.”

Right, so Daniel’s trying to stay with the script, huh? Shall I do the same?

Nah!

“Where can I stick it, dear Daniel, dear Daniel? Oh, where can I stick it, dear Daniel, up yours!”

Now the mime to that one was fun!

Oops, Daniel’s leaning over to whisper something.

“Bite me, Jack!”

“What, right here in front of the old folks?”

Ha! He looks like he’s going to burst a blood vessel. This is turning out to be more fun that I thought!

Carry on, maestro!

“I hope you’re stuffed in a black hole, dear Jack, dear Jack. I hope you’re stuffed in a black hole, dear Jack, get stuffed!”

There we go! Welcome to the dark side, Danny boy!

“But there’s a toad in my hole, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. There’s a toad in my hole, dear Daniel, a toad.”

That was from our vacation to England a few years ago. Daniel knows what it means!

“Suck it up and then suffer, dear Jack, dear Jack. Suck it up and then suffer, dear Jack, suck it up!”

Playing dirty, huh, Grasshopper?!

“There’s a fire in the hole, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. There’s a fire in the hole, dear Daniel, a fire.”

Ahhh, he’s shaking his head with untold despondency. And the tables have turned!

“Just go back through the Stargate, dear Jack, dear Jack. Just go back through the Stargate, dear Jack, and stop now!”

Oh, poor Danny’s throwing in the towel.

“But there’s a hole in my Stargate, dear Daniel, dear Daniel. There’s a hole in my Stargate, dear Daniel, a hole.”

We’re offering a tentative bow and I think the old folks are wondering whether to clap or not. Most of them are doing a pretty good impression of a guppy right about now.

“Wow, you sure have an interesting job, Daniel,” Edith finally says. “Are your days often filled with sticking, shoving, stuffing, sucking, and biting your lovely, tall Colonel here? If so, can I have a job?”

Way to go, Edith! I think I’m starting to like her.

“High five me you old reprobate!”

“With pleasure, young man.”

Oh, yeah. Daniel has that innocently confused expression he gets when he can’t quite work out what just went wrong with his meticulously planned idea. He can never seem to figure out that it’s me that goes wrong.

“Ready to go home, Daniel?”

“Uh… um…. yeah, I guess.”

“We’ll stop at Starbucks. I think I owe you coffee and cookies.”

“Walnut and chocolate chip?”

“Sure.”

“Yeah, okay!”

“Bye, Edith.”

“You’ll come back and visit me again, won’t you, young man?”

“You can count on it, Grandma!”


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