7. Those Pesky Kids Are Heading Home! by Sara
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Category: General
Genres: Friendship, Holiday, Humor
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: Those Pesky Kids!
Summary: Jack POV/Humour. Aahhh, the joys of flying! Jack’s taking the kids home!

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Story Notes:
Here's part 1 of 1. If you haven't already, you might want to read 'Those Pesky Kids!', 'Those Pesky Kids Again!', 'Those Pesky Kids Give Me No Respect!', 'Those Pesky Kids Can Go Fish!', ‘Those Pesky Kids Are Getting Cheeky!’, and ‘Those Pesky Kids… Why Me?’, first. This story will make far more sense if you do! ;-) Enjoy! X
Here we go again!

Now, as you know, I love planes. I love flying. But, only when they’re exceptionally cool fighter jets or death gliders and I’m doing the actual piloting. We, on the other hand, are stuck on a nasty commercial plane, herded in with four hundred and fifty strangers, several screaming kids, plastic food, and horribly recycled air, which can never fully filter out the two thousand accumulated farts. Your ass is permanently numb, no matter how many times you shift your weight from one ass cheek to the other, and what is up with the toilets? What the hell do people do in there to make it smell like that?

The only good thing is that we managed to get the emergency exit seats so I don’t have a face full of my own knees and Daniel can be next to the window. This time we’re split into pairs, one behind the other. We started off with Carter up front next to Daniel and Teal’c next to me, but, speaking of screaming kids, that configuration irrefutably backfired.

“That’s not fair, Sam!”

“Daniel, you said I could sit by the window in two hours.”

“Well, it’s not been two hours yet.”

“Yes it has, and you know it. Now, swap with me.”

“But I want to sit by the window, Sam.”

“Well, so do I.”

“I’ll let you sit here in half an hour.”

“No, we had a deal, Daniel. Let me sit there now.”

“No! Sam… get off. I want to sit here!”

“Daniel, move over. You promised!”

“Ow! Stop it! Sam!”

“CARTER! DANIEL!”

I swear, every person on the damn plane craned his or her neck to get a good view of our little show.

“That’s it! I’ve had enough! Carter, front and centre!”

“But, Sir, Daniel started it!”

“I don’t give a rat’s butt, Major. Teal’c, budge over and let Carter sit next to the window.”

“But, Jaack…”

“Aht! Daniel, stay exactly where you are. You’ve blown it, both of you, so you’re stuck with me for the rest of the flight.”

“Bye Sam.”

“Yeah, see you later, Daniel.”

How can they do that? One minute they’re tearing each other’s hair out, and then when you pull them apart, they look at you as if you’re the meanest person in the world for separating them.

That was an hour ago, and even though I swapped seats, there’s still a screaming kid, and my ass is still numb. Oh hell, and we still have six hours to go.

****

God, I’m bored.

This time yesterday we were in the centre of London. Daniel organised the whole day and it was apparently his little treat as a thank you for the vacation. We had a special flight on the London Eye with Champagne and strawberries. We also had cream tea at The Ritz, and an afternoon boat trip on the Thames.

My only stipulation was that we could visit Hamley’s. It’s advertised as the biggest toyshop in the world! Only for those with large wallets or strong wills apparently. Of course, Teal’c, Carter and Daniel hated the thought of being dragged around all five storeys, and a few times throughout the day I heard mutterings about my mental age. However, you should have seen their faces when we walked in! They all froze in the lobby, staring around, mouths open.

Within ten minutes Teal’c was so enamoured with the Transformers that he was trying to work out how he could possibly get himself a life sized one. He’s putting together a pitch to the General about how the SGC could benefit from such a super warrior, and is making a requisition list of all the parts he’ll need to build one.

Daniel found something called ‘Dig and Discover’. It’s where they bury something in plaster and you have to chip away at it to get the thing out. He grabbed the Egyptian edition and spent the remainder of the time perched on the edge of one of those tiny little kiddie seats working on it. He had a four year old assistant who apparently wanted to be a real ‘arcolgist’ when he grew up, and Daniel was in full lecture mode. When they’d finished they started on the dinosaur edition.

Carter checked out the science stuff, but there was nothing impressive enough to compare with the real life toys she has access to courtesy of the United States Air Force. She soon joined me though and started playing with the Hamley’s defence force. We’d armed our troops, we both had Special Forces vehicles, tanks, gunners, and helicopters, and war had been declared! Teal’c donated a transformer soldier for each of our armies, and two little kids heard our, “Bring it on, Major,” and, “In your dreams, Colonel,” and each took a side. So it was two against two and the battle commenced!

Anyway, after we were forcibly removed from the premises and issued with a lifetime ban, we headed back to the RV for our last night before heading for the airport, which of course, brings me back to our flight home and my chronic boredom.

****

Ooh, goodie! Lunch should be coming soon. I can see movement from the stewardesses. Although, that could be because of Daniel. Daniel was gracious enough to let me sit by the window for a while, and once the ladies of the sky caught a glimpse of him in that aisle seat, that was it. They’ve been standing right next to Daniel’s chair, reaching up to the overhead storage, bending down to pick up some imaginary obstruction off the floor, and if Danny Boy even attempted to shuffle in his seat, one, or more, would come racing over to ask if he needed any assistance. Twice now they’ve come over claiming he’s pressed the call button and of course that means to turn it off they have to lean over him. There’s not a lot of space on these planes and poor Daniel’s had an eye full of legs and buns and a face full of melons more times than he can count! Now, any red-blooded male such as myself would think this was great, but Daniel the Wonder Nerd is far too sensitive for his own good and just thinks, on the surface at least, that it’s all enormously inappropriate. I’m not sure though. Deep down I bet his primitive male impulses are doing the Snoopy dance!

A few minutes ago Daniel went off to visit the lavatory. Already the stewardesses have come past his seat with a look of abject disappointment that he’s not there, along with a look of pure hatred towards me because I get to sit next to him and evidently have the honour of knowing this vision of perfection that’s graced their aeroplane.

God, I feel old. None of these beautiful flight attendants are warm for my form. Although, I tell a lie, the male steward has brushed his leg against my elbow one too many times to call it an accident. Lucky me!

Daniel better hurry up or he’ll miss lunch. Or, worse still, the stewardesses will blame me for his absence, seek their revenge, and I’ll miss lunch!

Oh, here he comes.

“Yuk! That was disgusting!”

“Yuk, Daniel?”

“Yeah, yuk!”

“What? The toilets?”

“Yes, and the fact that I think there was a couple in the toilet next door joining the mile high club.”

“Eeewwww!”

“Yep.”

So that’s what the smell is!

****

Yes! Food’s coming.

I’m starving! I wonder what’s on the menu.

“Good afternoon, Mr…?”

Oh, here we go. She’s speaking to Daniel as if I don’t even exist – all flirty and giggly. She can’t be more than twenty.

“Jackson. Uh… Doctor Daniel Jackson.”

Oh my! If the sudden pink flush to her skin and heavy breathing is anything to go by, I think Miss Flight Attendant finds it rather pleasurable that not only is Daniel apparently sent from heaven, but is also a doctor to boot. Be still her beating heart!

“Would you like the macaroni and cheese or the beef stew, Doctor Jackson?”

Oh yeah, just the way she says ‘Doctor’ in that drawn out, breathy kind of way, while curling her hair round her finger. Sheesh! I bet there’ll be a few fantasy doodles in her future that say stuff like, ‘I take thee Doctor Daniel Jackson’, and, ‘Mrs Jackson’.

“Um… I’ll have the beef stew please.”

She’s leaning in to whisper something to him, and at the same time he’s leaning back against me in a vain attempt to avoid the face full of heaving bosom inescapably coming his way. I can see the poor kid blinking repeatedly too, which might have something to do with the fact that the young lady appears to have hosed herself down with perfume. Even my eyes are watering.

“I wouldn’t recommend the beef stew, Sir. The macaroni and cheese is much better. But you didn’t hear that from me. And if there is anything else you need, you let me know. Just ask for Grace.”

“Uh… okay.”

For heaven’s sake, lady, move away. Our faces are melting!

“Grace. May I trouble you for a macaroni and cheese as well, please?”

“No.”

“No?”

“I only have beef stew left.”

Of course you have.

“Enjoy your lunch, Doctor Daniel.”

“Uh… thanks.”

You know, sitting next to Daniel is like having the cutest puppy you’ve ever seen or a newborn baby. They innocently steal all the attention and no one gives the poor owner or parent so much as a cursory glance.

Oh well. It’s lunchtime, so who cares? I always liked my Mom’s beef stew. Maybe this won’t be so bad.

“Woah!”

Okay, I was wrong about that!

Daniel’s face is all scrunched up and he’s cautiously poking my stew with a fork as if he’s checking that it’s really dead.

I’m not sure I even want to touch it. It smells like they used the wrong part of the cow, if you know what I mean.

“Is that even edible, Jack?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure. Perhaps I should get Teal’c to try it. If Junior doesn’t keel over maybe it’s okay.”

“Good idea! Teal’c, can you try this?”

Daniel’s immediately up on his knees, leaning back over his seat towards Teal’c and Carter, and with his ass on display like that, Miss Grace is in danger of hyperventilating.

“My symbiote has not detected any contaminants, Daniel Jackson. However, its flavour is most displeasing. Please do not request that I consume it any further.”

“What do you guys have?”

“Major Carter and I have both chosen the macaroni and cheese, which is most agreeable.”

That’s right; rub it in.

“Wanna share with Jack?”

“Indeed I do not Daniel Jackson. I also wish to inform you that your inevitable attempts to persuade me into altering my decision with what Major Carter calls the ‘eyes of doom’ and what O’Neill describes as ‘the pout of power’ will not succeed on this occasion.

“Wha’? I do not do that!”

“Indeed you do, Daniel Jackson. At all other times, it is an endearing quality, however, when used to divest me of my sustenance…

“Okay, okay, I get it.”

Poor Daniel. He’s flopped back down into his seat and is looking at me apologetically.

“Sorry, Jack. Do you want some of mine?”

Oh, bless his geeky, flaky, overly sensitive, caring, women magnetising little heart.

“No, it’s okay, Daniel. You have it, Buddy.”

Maybe I can just eat the little dessert here. What is that anyway? Looks like cheesecake of some description.

Oh, ugh! Doesn’t taste like it though.

This is so totally unfair! I’m hungry and I was really looking forward to lunch, and then Miss ‘Faberge’ comes along and ruins it. Sometimes it sucks to be an adult. I want permission to scream, cry and stamp my feet like the little kid three seats back. I’m so starving, I could even eat… ooh, hang on a minute!

“Daniel, oh best buddy and pal of mine?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you, by chance, have any of those power bars down your pants?”

****

God, I’m bored! Daniel’s commandeered his window seat back and I’ve been relegated to the aisle, where I’ve been visited numerous times by Mr Male Steward who seems intent on getting his leg and my arm closely acquainted, and making sure I’m as happy as possible. He even tried the old ‘spill a drink into the lap and attempt to mop it up’ trick. I’ve never been more fondled in my life! Plus, my pleading ‘help me’ glances at Daniel were only answered when he put his hand on my thigh, turned to the guy and said, “I’m afraid he’s taken”. I mean how embarrassing is that?! Daniel thought it was as funny as hell, but I’m feeling the need to go and sit next to Carter.

“Anything exciting out the window, Daniel?”

“Huh?”

“Can you see anything?”

“Sea.”

“Yeah, but what can you see?”

“Sea.”

“Yeeess, what can you see?”

“Sea!”

For crying out loud, I thought this boy was a genius.

“Jesus, Daniel, it’s like talking to a parrot.”

“Duh, Jack! I can see the sea. We’re flying over the Atlantic!”

Oh.

I see.

Well then.

God, I’m bored!

****

“Ladies and Gentlemen, we will be landing at Colorado Springs in approximately ten minutes. Please ensure that your seatbelts are fastened and your tray tables and seat backs are in the upright position. Thank you.”

“WOO HOO!”

Oops, that might have been a bit loud, but I don’t care! Colorado Springs, here we come!

The end… for now!!
Chapter End Notes:
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