1.13 Fire and Water: The Breadbox Edition by Nialla
[Reviews - 10] Printer
Category: General
Genres: Parody
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Early season epiosdes are the target of audience feedback.

- Text Size +
Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to members of my Live Journal friends list for their feedback and support: janedavitt, jadeleopard, ducks_in_a_row, juliabk, aurora_novarum, aizjanika, lt_kitty, eviljr, amnellwyvern, trikakeep, justalurkr, alyburns and also Tam the LJ-less.

Without them, I might never have written this, so blame them. And a special thanks to the folks at Solutions for hosting the Breadbox Editions and the episode transcripts I massacre.
NARRATOR: Our intrepid fandom travels back in time to watch favorite episodes with future knowledge... and generally be insane while eating popcorn.

SHIPPERS AND SLASHERS: And squeeing, don't forget that!

GUYS WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: And drooling. Oh gods, the drooling. [shudder]

AUDIENCE: Are you sure that's just drool?

GUYS WHO HAVE TO CLEAN UP AFTER THE SHOW: [double shudder] We need to order more Janitor in a Drum.

TEASER

INT. SGC

[CHEVRON GUY KNOCKS ON HAMMOND'S OPEN DOOR AND BEGINS DELIVERING NEWS FROM A REPORT ABOUT MINERAL SCANS.]

HAMMOND/CHEVRON GUY SLASHERS: "Mineral scans" is just a code for "Let's have sex on your desk," right?

[THE ALARMS SOUND AN OFFWORLD ACTIVATION, AND CHEVRON GUY'S PISSY HE DIDN'T GET TO ANNOUNCE IT. HE AND HAMMOND HEAD TO THE GATE ROOM. NO ONE'S DUE BACK YET, SO WHEN THEY RECEIVE THE CODE FOR SG-1 THEY OPEN THE IRIS AND CALL FOR A MEDICAL TEAM.]

AUDIENCE: An unscheduled incoming team is just never a good thing, is it? Someone's got to be bleeding. Or they'd better be, for what it costs to open the gate.
F/X GUYS: Amen, and pass the paycheck.

[JACK, TEAL'C AND SAM STUMBLE THROUGH THE GATE, OBVIOUSLY IN SHOCK.]

AUDIENCE: They just saw the check for the F/X guys, didn't they?

HAMMOND: Colonel O'Neill? SG-1 couldn't have been deployed more than three hours ago. What happened?

DANIEL FANS: Um, can no one at the SGC *count*?

[DOCTOR FRAISER COMES IN, DECLARES THEM IN SHOCK AND ORDERS THEM TAKEN TO THE INFIRMARY. MEDICAL TECHNICIANS BEGIN HELPING THEM STAND.]

AUDIENCE: Um, hello? Possible unknown injuries! Why are they making them walk instead of using gurneys or litters?

HAMMOND: Colonel? Where's Dr. Jackson?

DANIEL FANS: 'Bout damn time.

[JACK, TEAL'C AND SAM FINALLY COME AROUND ENOUGH TO SPEAK.]

TEAL'C: Daniel Jackson is…

DANIEL FANS: Really hot?

TEAL'C/DANIEL FANS: A machine in bed?

SAM: He didn't make it, sir.

DANIEL FANS: Leave no man behind! Go back right this instant!

JACK: Daniel's dead, sir.

[HAMMOND LOOKS SHOCKED.]

DANIEL FANS: Don't worry, he gets over it. Too pretty to die and all that.

END TEASER

INT. SGC INFIRMARY, NIGHT

[A MED TECH PLACES THE TEAM'S WET UNIFORMS INTO BIOHAZARD BAGS AND JANET ORDERS THEM TESTED FOR ANY CONTAMINATION.]

AUDIENCE: Did they have a lottery in the infirmary over who got to strip each team member?

SMUTTERS: And is there video?

[JANET GOES TO SAM'S BED, WHERE SHE'S SITTING IN MEDICAL SCRUBS WITH A BLANKET AROUND HER AND OBVIOUSLY STILL IN SHOCK.]

SAM/JANET FEMSLASHERS: Let the record show who Janet checked on first.

[JANET ASKS SAM WHAT HAPPENED.]

SAM: Gunh. He screamed, and… and there was this fire, and… he called out for help, and then he… screamed… and then he… he was gone! He was just… he was just… [cries]

DANIEL/SAM FRIENDSHIPPERS: Awwww, she misses her science twin.

DANIEL/SAM SHIPPERS: She's heartbroken over her twue wuv.

NOROMOS: You're kidding right?

DANIEL/SAM SHIPPERS: What?

NOROMOS: He's still married.

DANIEL/SHA'RE SHIPPERS: Yeah!

DANIEL/SAM SHIPPERS: Hey, the early seasons were our best subtext moments. Leave us to our denial.

JANET/SAM FEMSLASHERS: But look where she's turning for comfort now.

NOROMOS: [sigh] Moving right along...

[JANET SOOTHES SAM AND ORDERS A SEDATIVE SO SHE CAN REST BEFORE GOING TO CHECK ON JACK AND TEAL'C, WHO ARE ALSO IN SCRUBS. TEAL'C IS BALKING AT HAVING HIS BLOOD PRESSURE TAKEN, AND JANET TELLS HIM IT CAN WAIT AND HE CAN GO CHANGE IF HE WANTS TO.]

TEAL'C: [glares at nurse and walks away]

TEAL'C FANS: Oh, there's our man of few words we know and love.

[JANET CHECKS JACK, ASKING IF HE HAS ANY PAIN OR HEADACHE. HE SAYS NO, BUT REACTS STRONGLY WHEN SHE SHINES A PENLIGHT INTO HIS EYES. JANET TELLS HIM THEY CAN FINISH AFTER THE DEBRIEFING OR EVEN THE NEXT DAY.]

JACK: [sighs] Thank you.

[JACK GETS OUT OF BED, BUT LOOKS AROUND UNCERTAIN FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LEAVING.]

JACK: Thank you.

JANET: [worried]

JACK FANS: We'd be worried too. Two thank yous, neither laced with sarcasm? Jack's in bad shape.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[SCENES CYCLE THROUGH TEAL'C, SAM AND JACK GIVING THEIR REPORTS. THEY ALL SAY THE PLANET THEY VISITED SEEMED UNINHABITED, WITH VOLCANIC VENTS ON THE SURFACE. SAM TOOK SOIL SAMPLES, WHILE DANIEL...]

JACK: He said… He said, 'Colonel, help me.' [bows his head] And then he was gone.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: [sob]

HAMMOND: Gone?

JACK: Engulfed. In fire, sir.

HAMMOND: There was nothing you could have done, Colonel.

JACK: No, I swear to God, sir, I tried to get to him, but the heat was… It… It… It blasted toward us…

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: [wants to pet Jack to console him]

JACK FANS: [wants to pet Jack to console him, and quite possibly do pervy things to him]

HAMMOND: And what did you do then?

JACK: There was a body of water somewhere nearby, it was like a lake… a sea, maybe. We all submerged ourselves; that's what saved us.

[JACK SAYS DANIEL WAS GONE, THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO AND HE ORDERED THE TEAM TO EVACUATE. HAMMOND SAYS THEY'LL SEND A TEAM THROUGH TO RECOVER THE BODY, BUT JACK OBJECTS STRONGLY, SAYING THE AREA WAS TOO VOLATILE.]

HAMMOND: It's a hard thing, to lose a member of the team, Colonel. I've gone through it myself. If there's anything I…

[JACK PRESSES BOTH HANDS AGAINST HIS TEMPLES.]

JACK: (interrupting) Yes sir.

HAMMOND: Dismissed.

INT. SGC OBSERVATION ROOM

[HAMMOND AND JANET DISCUSS THE TEAM'S CONDITION. SHE SAYS THEY HAVE MINOR CONTUSIONS AND PHOTOSENSITIVITY PROBABLY CAUSED BY THE VOLCANIC GASSES, BUT THEY'RE OTHERWISE FINE. HAMMOND WANTS TO GET THEM BACK IN THE FIELD AS SOON AS DANIEL IS REPLACED, BUT JANET STRONGLY OBJECTS AND HAMMOND CAVES.]

JANET FANS: Damn right he did.

INT. SGC GATE ROOM

[A MEMORIAL CEREMONY IS TAKING PLACE IN FRONT OF THE OPEN GATE. EVERYONE'S IN FULL DRESS UNIFORM. THE COLOR GUARD PERFORMS THE FLAG-FOLDING CEREMONY, WHILE JACK BEGINS TO DELIVER THE EULOGY.]

JACK: Daniel Jackson… made this place… happen. As a member of SG-1… he was our voice; our conscience. He was a very courageous man. He was a good man. For those of us lucky enough to have known him, he was also a friend.

DANIEL FANS: Can we have this scene played on an infinite loop at Bridge? Perhaps with everyone strapped to a chair with their eyes taped open?

BDSMERS: Nah, they'd probably enjoy that, and they don't deserve to enjoy it.

WRITERS: Besides, we'd just chew through the straps to get away.

SAM FANS: Now wait a minute, didn't Sam make the program work because she designed the gate dialing program?

DANIEL FANS: Oh, that's right, she knew how to dial the phone, but just didn't know what the numbers were. And she was accidentally locked in the ladies' room for the first thirty or so minutes of the movie, when Daniel figured out what the gate symbols were, so she didn't get to go on the first mission. [rolls eyes and hides the spare SGC bathroom keys]

[THE HONOR GUARD GIVES JACK THE FLAG, SINCE HE WAS HIS COMMANDING OFFICER. TEAL'C IS GIVEN THE FLAG AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF DANIEL'S FAMILY.]

TEAL'C/DANIEL SLASHERS: It would have been more than that if it had been legal! Hey, maybe it is on Chulak! Somebody check that out!

NOROMOS: We'll get right on that.

[JACK AND SAM THEN GO TO THE TOP OF THE GATE RAMP AND PICK UP A MEMORIAL WREATH AND PLACE IT AT THE EVENT HORIZON, WHERE IT DISAPPEARS INTO THE WORMHOLE.]

HAMMOND: We commend Daniel Jackson's spirit to the universe he opened up for us. I pledge to continue our journey of discovery in his memory. May he rest in peace.

DANIEL FANS: Seriously. Infinite loop at Bridge. Bondage optional.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL LIES SOAKING WET AT THE BOTTOM OF STEPS, SOAKING WET.]

DANIEL FANS: We'd like that on infinite loop too. Pipe it directly to our bunks.

[DANIEL CALLS OUT TO THE REST OF THE TEAM, BUT REALIZES HE'S ALONE.]

DANIEL FANS: Awww... come here and we'll hug you and squeeze you and probably do pervy things to your person.

EXT. JACK'S HOME

[TEAL'C AND SAM COME IN, WITH THE HOUSE FULL OF SGC STAFF IN CIVVIES, DRINKING, EATING AND SHARING STORIES ABOUT DANIEL.]

JACK: (to a woman) So we're sitting around eating some kind of gourmet, Abydonian cuisine. Daniel tells Sha're he's going to show us this cartouche thing, but before we leave, she stands up and plants a kiss on him that makes his face disappear for a day.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Sha're was marking her territory. She was anything but stupid, but Daniel was all but claimed before she was given to him as a bride. Daniel was just too nice to say no to the nice natives.

[TEAL'C SAYS HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THIS RITUAL, BECAUSE ON CHULAK, WHEN SOMEONE DIES, IT IS A CUSTOM TO NOT EAT FOR THREE DAYS AND NIGHTS. SAM EXPLAINS IT'S A WAKE, WHICH IS A BIG PARTY THAT'S SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE DEPARTED A JOLLY SENDOFF.]

JACK: Sam, Teal'c. Glad you made it. Something to drink?

[SAM ASKS FOR A BEER, BUT TEAL'C SAYS HE MUST REFRAIN. JACK POURS SAM'S BEER, AND BECOMES MESMERIZED BY THE FOAM AND HAS A FLASHBACK TO BUBBLES RISING IN ORANGEY WATER, THEN DANIEL SURROUNDED BY FIRE, CALLING FOR JACK TO HELP HIM. JACK PLACES THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND GOES OUTSIDE.]

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Let the record note who Daniel called for.

AUDIENCE: But it's not real, right?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Doesn't matter if they were given the memory. Nem knew which buttons to push.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

AUDIENCE: Anyone feel like a rousing rendition of "Under the Sea"?

WRITERS: No!

AUDIENCE: You're no fun!

WRITERS: None of you can carry a tune in a bucket.

AUDIENCE: That has nothing to do with y'all being no fun.

DANIEL FANS: Besides, those buckets are for drool.

[DANIEL TURNS TO SEE A HUMANOID YET FISHY CREATURE STANDING BEHIND HIM. AFTER A MOMENT OF SPEECHLESS SHOCK, DANIEL TRIES TO TALK TO HIM. THE CREATURE POINTS TO THE WALL, WHERE A PANEL SLIDES OPEN, REVEALING WRITING.]

DANIEL: It… it's a very old Earth writing. It's Cuneiform. It… It's the first kind of writing we ever found on… on my world.

[DANIEL LOOKS AT THE CREATURE AGAIN, BUT IT POINTS TO THE WALL, SO DANIEL EXAMINES IT AGAIN.]

DANIEL: Okay. It's Akkadian, not Sumerian, so… It's a tough one. Let me think. 'Reveal… Fate… Om... more... ocka.' Reveal fate Omoroca. Reveal fate Omoroca? Omoroca, what is that? That's you?

[THE CREATURE STANDS CLOSE TO DANIEL, STARING AT HIM INTENTLY.]

DANIEL FANS: Fishboy has taste. But he'd better keep his fins to himself.

DANIEL: No… something else? Reveal fate Omoroca. [he turns back to the creature] I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to do.

[THE CREATURE SCREAMS ANGRILY AND LIFTS HIS HAND. A BRIGHT LIGHT SHOOTS FROM HIS PALM AND SENDS DANIEL FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM.]

EXT. JACK'S HOME

[THE WAKE IS STILL HAPPENING INSIDE, BUT JACK'S OUTSIDE WITH A HOCKEY STICK, SHOOTING A LINE OF BALLS INTO A NET, VENTING SOME OF HIS ANGER. HE FINALLY LOSES HIS TEMPER, SMASHING THE STICK INTO THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW OF ONE OF THE CARS.]

JACK: Come get this damn car out of here!

[HAMMOND GOES OUTSIDE AND SEES THE CAR AND THE SHATTERED GLASS LITTERING THE DRIVEWAY. MOST OF THE GUESTS ARE IGNORING THE SCENE, BUT SAM AND TEAL'C WATCH.]

HAMMOND: What'S on your mind, Colonel?

JACK: Retirement, actually.

HAMMOND: You don't mean that.

JACK: I think I do.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: He can't go on with the job without his boyfriend!

HAMMOND: Well, I can't let you do that. I've got an assignment for SG-1.

[JACK LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.]

SNIT: Doesn't look as uncomfortable as he does when hit with the effects of the Doe Eyes of Death.

HAMMOND: Dr. Jackson's apartment needs to be closed by Stargate personnel. National Security aside, you're probably the closest thing he had to a family. It's not an order, it's a request.

JACK: Yes sir.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Hammond didn't even have to ask. Jack would have done it anyway.

BDSMERS: Yeah, some of those toys hidden in the closet might be a bit hard to explain.

[HAMMOND ASKS HIM ABOUT JOINING THE OTHERS IN THE BACK AND LEADS HIM IN THAT DIRECTION.]

HAMMOND: You know that's my car, don't you?

JACK: You should get that window fixed.

JACK FANS: Ah, the days when that wouldn't be an ill-timed Cosmic Giddiness comment.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL CONTINUES TRANSLATING THE ALIEN TEXT, WHILE FISHBOY WATCHES. HE'S REALIZED HE'S READING LEGAL CODE FROM SOME ANCIENT BABYLONIAN KING CIRCA 2000 B.C., BUT DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT HAS TO DO WITH HIM.]

DANIEL: I want to see my friends. I'm not… I'm not going to translate another word of this until you…

NEM: What… speech?

DANIEL: (shocked) What? (he gestures to the writing) What… this one? Uh… it's Akkadian.

[NEMS TAPS DANIEL'S SHOULDER.]

NEM: What… speech?

DANIEL: Oh, uh, oh, English. It's… it's much more modern…

LINGUIST!DANIEL FANS: Mmmmmm. Oh, the days when everyone didn't automatically speak English yet wrote text that had to be translated.

NEM: What… fate… Omoroca?

DANIEL: I…I don't…I don't…I don't know. Look, my friends and I, we came here in peace. We're… we're explorers. We'll share information if we have it.

NEM: What fate Omoroca?

DANIEL: I… I… I… I don't… I don't know!

[NEM MAKES A FRUSTRATED SOUND, THEN PULLS A LEVER NEAR THE DOORWAY, WHICH OPENS A PANEL WITH A CONTAINER INSIDE.]

NEM: Nourishment.

[HE PUSHES ANOTHER BUTTON, AND A CLEAR SURFACE SLIDES OUT OF THE WALL.]

NEM: Sleep.

[NEM BEGINS TO EXIT THE DOOR.]

DANIEL: Look, um, I can't… I can't tell you what I don't know.

NEM: You will. Or you will die!

AUDIENCE: But no pressure!

DANIEL FANS: Touch one hair, and we'll turn you into chum.

INT. DANIEL'S APARTMENT

[JACK, TEAL'C AND SAM ARE LOOKING AT ALL OF DANIEL'S STUFF. SAM GOES THROUGH A BOOKCASE ALONG ONE WALL.]

SAM: Oh wow, look at these. Expedition journals, one for each planet we visited. [pulls out a journal] One for Abydos.

AUDIENCE: We're so sure the SGC would allow Daniel to keep those off base.

WRITERS: Oh, sure, no big. If anyone read them, they'd just say he was an aspiring sci fi writer.

SAM: 'Colonel O'Neill thinks I'm a geek. I have no idea how to get us back. I'll never get paid.'

[SAM LOOKS AT JACK, WHO RUBS A HAND OVER HIS FACE, BUT DOESN'T COMMENT.]

SAM: Oh wow, he must have written this right after we got back. 'Sha're is gone, Jack says we'll find her. If anyone can, he can.'

JACK/DANIEL FRIENDSHIPPERS: [sigh] Those were the days.

JACK: Ah, come on, that's his diary. I mean, what's he going to think if…

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: ...he finds out you got to the gay porn portion?

[SAM PUTS THE BOOK AWAY, AND WONDERS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO DO WITH DANIEL'S STUFF. JACK SAYS PROBABLY GIVE IT TO A MUSEUM, OR START ONE. TEAL'C STUDIES A JACKAL AND HOUND GAMEBOARD WHICH BELONGED TO A PHARAOH'S DAUGHTER, TELLING THEM HE AND DANIEL PLAYED ONCE. AS TEAL'C TALKS, SAM LOOKS INTO DANIEL'S FISH TANK, BECOMING FIXATED ON THE BUBBLES AND HAS A FLASHBACK OF DANIEL ENGULFED IN FIRE. SHE JUMPS BACK FROM THE TANK, AND JACK GRABS HER BY THE UPPER ARMS.]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Oh, a shippy moment in a Daniel-centric episode! How nice!

EVERYONE ELSE: [examines scene with a magnifying glass] Ummm...

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Just... shut up. We're bored.

JACK: What? What is it? You all right?

SAM: Uh, I… I just had this image in my mind. It's the second time.

[SAM TELLS THEM WHAT SHE SAW, AND JACK AND TEAL'C SAY THEY SAW THE SAME THING.]

JACK: I'm telling you something is wrong.

SAM: Yeah, what's wrong here, Colonel, is that Daniel is dead.

SNIT: She really hasn't changed all that much, has she? Always insisting Daniel's dead.

JACK: Is he?

SAM: You were there. We were all there!

SNIT: Not answering the question.

JACK: Then why don't I believe it? I mean, I keep expecting him to walk through the door! I… I... I keep getting these… Screw this packing, let's get back to the base.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[NEM ENTERS AND DANIEL DEMANDS TO SPEAK WITH HIS FRIENDS.]

FRIENDSHIPPERS: Friends! Canon!

[NEM TELLS HIM THEY LEFT HIM BEHIND, THAT HE MADE THEM THINK DANIEL'S DEAD SO THEY'D NEVER RETURN.]

DANIEL: (despairingly) Why? Why are you doing this?

NEM: You are oldest. You know of Babylon. What fate Omoroca?

DANIEL FANS: Hey, we're offended by this "oldest" nonsense!

TEAL'C FANS: Indeed.

DANIEL: Okay. Okay. If my life is on the line here, I need to know more. What is Omoroca? WHO is Omoroca?

NEM: My MATE!

DANIEL: What? On Earth? In… in Babylon?

NEM: Yes.

DANIEL: And you don't know what's happened to her? That was four thousand years ago.

NOROMOS: Wow. He's been pining even longer than Sam.

NEM: Knowledge. You have knowledge!

DANIEL: Of Babylon, yes! But only a… a small amount of knowledge has survived all that time!

NEM: The knowledge is there. In your mind.

DANIEL: Okay, you are asking me to remember something… that happened thousands and thousands of years before I was born. To… to tell you something, that I… I couldn't possibly know!

NEM: You deceive!

DANIEL: (angrily) Why? God, why, why, why would I do that?

NEM: You serve the Goa'uld!

DANIEL: No! No! Now I lost my wife, my… my mate, because of the Goa'uld! They took her from me. And I despise them for that!

NEM: Then tell me… what fate?

DANIEL: I DON'T KNOW!!!

[NEM GROWLS IN FRUSTRATION AND WALKS AWAY.]

DANIEL: (shouting) I don't know!

DANIEL FANS: For all those anti-Daniel folks who say he's a know-it-all, let the record show he's more than willing to say he doesn't know. He just usually does.

INT. SGC INFIRMARY

[JANET TELLS JACK, TEAL'C AND SAM THEIR SEROTONIN LEVELS ARE LOW, WHICH WOULD ACCOUNT FOR DEPRESSION, BUT NOT THE OTHER EFFECTS. SHE SHOWS THEM A MODEL OF A HUMAN BRAIN ON A SCREEN, POINTING TO A SPECIFIC AREA.]

JANET: This dark spot here appears on all of your scans. Now, it's almost too small an anomaly to worry about but for the fact that it's in virtually the same part of the cortex…

[AN INCOMING WORMHOLE ALERT SOUNDS, AND THE TRIO ALL RUSH FROM THE ROOM, WITH JANET AND NURSES FOLLOWING THEM TO THE GATEROOM. THE TEAM SEES DANIEL WALKING DOWN THE RAMP, TAKING OFF HIS HELMET. THEY'RE ALL SMILES UNTIL THEY REALIZE IT'S NOT DANIEL, BUT A DIFFERENT SOLDIER.]

JANET: What… what are you looking for?

JACK: I just… I thought that…

TEAL'C: …Daniel Jackson was returning.

SAM: Oh my God, I thought the same thing. Why? Is he gone, or isn't he?

JANET: You… You saw it happen.

JACK: Somebody want to tell me what the hell is going on? Because I am starting to lose it here.

[HAMMOND ENTERS THE GATE ROOM, ASKING JANET WHAT'S GOING ON.]

JANET: General, uh… there seems to be some question in their minds as to whether or not Dr. Jackson is dead.

HAMMOND: Well, you three were the only witnesses. If you're denying what you saw…

JACK: No sir. I saw him die. We all did. I know he's gone. (hesitates) But I know he's still alive. (determined) Sir, we have got to go ba…

[JACK CRIES OUT IN PAIN AND PRESSES HIS HANDS AGAINST HIS TEMPLES.]

HAMMOND: You're not going anywhere but the Infirmary!

JANET FANS: See! Janet was right!

[THE TEAM IS ESCORTED OUT OF THE ROOM. HAMMOND STAYS BEHIND WITH FRAISER.]

HAMMOND: I want to know what's going on, Doctor. One of our people could still be out there.

DANIEL FANS: We knew we always liked you.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET OUT OF THE ROOM WHEN NEM RETURNS.]

NEM: You cannot leave this place. You will tell me all you know of Babylon.

DANIEL: Do you know how much has been lost? Great libraries burned to the ground… cities destroyed by wars. Most of our history is buried in time.

NEM: You are afraid.

DANIEL: (quietly) Yes, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that you're asking the impossible of me and you will not allow me return home.

NEM: Omoroca was afraid.

DANIEL: Wha… wha? On Earth?

NEM: Yes.

DANIEL: Of what? Of who? I mean… give me something to work with here; a… a time frame!

NEM: Babylon.

DANIEL: A… a name, a name of someone she spoke of.

NEM: Belus.

DANIEL: Belus. Belus… Belus… Something…Yes. (Daniel get to his feet and approaches Nem) Yes… um… Belus something. Yes. In the writing of Berossus, a contemporary of Alexander the Great. He studied some very old, ancient Babylonian text. Pre-flood. [exasperated sound] Tell me more.

NEM: Omoroca feared Belus.

[DANIEL STARTS PACING.]

DANIEL: Yes. Yes, he was a conqueror. Tell me more; I need more.

NEM: [blank stare]

DANIEL: Come on…Come on, you cannot expect me to remember every book, every text that I studied ten or twelve years ago! Look, come back to Earth with me. My... my books, my library, they're all there!

NEM: (angrily) You serve the Goa'uld!

DANIEL: NO! God, no! How many times do I have to tell you? No!

NEM: It is the fate of humans. That, Omoroca could not prevent.

DANIEL: Omoroca came to Earth to fight the Goa'uld? That is why she came to Earth?

NEM: Yes.

DANIEL: Then my people owe her a great debt.

NEM: She failed!

DANIEL: No. No, there was a… an uprising, a rebellion in Ancient Egypt. I mean, maybe she helped plant the seed.

NEM: Goa'uld are among you, within you!

DANIEL: (gets hit by a clue by four) Teal'c? You think because Teal'c carries around a larval Goa'uld...? No, you see he joined us in the fight against the Goa'uld. You see, in the years… in the thousands of years, since Omoroca was there; we have become a civilization that rivals that of the Goa'uld. That's how far we've come. We are free! If… if you'd just come back with me, I can show you!

NEM: Knowledge is here!

AUDIENCE: He's a persistent little fishy, ain't he?

INT. SCG BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, TEAL'C, SAM, HAMMOND, JANET AND DR. MACKENZIE ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE. A TAPE RECORDER IS PLAYING THE SOUND OF OCEAN WAVES.]

JACK: Catchy tune. Want to explain to me what this… mood music is all about?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: It's all pointless without Daniel around to share the mood music.

[DR. MACKENZIE IS TRYING TO USE THE SOUND TO HELP THEM RECALL THEIR BURIED MEMORIES, SINCE THEY SEEM TO REVOLVE AROUND WATER. JACK THINKS IT'S NONSENSE, BUT SOON TEAL'C HAS THE SAME FLASHBACK TO DANIEL'S DEATH.]

MACKENZIE: All three of you have conflicting feelings about Daniel.

FOURGY FANS: All that sexual repression just isn't healthy. We prescribe a weekly orgy, which should improve morale greatly. Our morale at least.

SAM: I know he's dead; I know he's alive.

MACKENZIE: Both realities can't be true, yet both seem to be.

AUDIENCE: He hasn't been working there long, has he? Oh, wait, none of them have. They'll get used to all the weird shit soon. Or become drug addicts or alcoholics to deal with it.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL ASKS HOW NEM MANAGED TO MAKE THE REST BELIEVE HE WAS DEAD.]

NEM: I gave them the memory of your death.

DANIEL: If you can influence memory like that, why don't you search my mind? You say the memory is in there; that I must have come across it years ago and I… I just don't remember it.

AUDIENCE: So basically Daniel's asking Nem to Google his brain?

NEM: Yes.

DANIEL: Then take it! I mean, if you have the power, if you have the technology, use it.

NEM: (hesitating) It would damage!

DANIEL: Well, given my options, I am willing to take the risk.

NEM: I am not.

DANIEL FANS: Awww. Fishface has a crush on Daniel.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Jack will kill him if he tries anything... fishy.

DANIEL/SHA'RE SHIPPERS: Sha're would have dibs on fishsticks if she were around.

DANIEL: I don't have four thousand years. Maybe you can afford to search all that time, but I can't.

NEM: There will be much pain. You may die.

DANIEL FANS: He might as well start getting used to it.

DANIEL: Well, I would rather die than stay here in the knowledge that I would never see my wife, or my friends again.

DANIEL/SHA'RE SHIPPERS: Awwww.

TEAM FANS: Awwww.

INT. SGC BRIEFING ROOM

[JACK, TEAL'C, SAM, HAMMOND, JANET AND DR. MACKENZIE ARE STILL SEATED AT THE TABLE. JACK'S ONCE AGAIN TELLING HIS STORY OF WHAT HAPPENED, BEFORE ASKING HAMMOND HOW MANY TIMES THEY HAVE TO GO THROUGH IT.]

HAMMOND: Try to bear with me, Colonel. How long do you estimate you were on the other side of the gate?

JACK: Umm… twenty minutes… twenty-five maybe.

SAM: Half hour, tops.

HAMMOND: Teal'c?

TEAL'C: I concur.

HAMMOND: You were gone almost four hours.

AUDIENCE: DUHN-DUHN-DUUUUUUHNNN!!!!

SAM: I don't think that's possible, sir.

SNIT: She started really early with the "not possible" stuff, didn't she?

HAMMOND: I can show you the mission logs if you want.

JACK: What happened to the other three and a half hours?

FOURGY FANS: Someone found some really good shit and you had a team orgy, with the side effect of memory and Daniel loss?

MACKENZIE: I have had a great deal of success with hypnosis.

JACK: Hypnosis. You know, I am not a big fan of that bark like a chicken, cluck like a dog stuff.

JANET: Colonel, please. Hypnosis is a modern, therapeutic practice.

[TEAL'C SAYS HE DOESN'T THINK HYPNOSIS WOULD WORK ON HIM. JACK REQUESTS PERMISSION TO GO BACK AND FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED.]

TEAL'C AND SAM: [freak out]

MACKENZIE: If that isn't a conditioned response, I don't know what is.

DANIEL FANS: After seeing your work in "Legacy," we're pretty sure you don't know your ass from a hole in the ground.

AUDIENCE: Hey, it's only the first season, it's not like any of them have much experience in all this alien shit.

DANIEL FANS: We only cut him slack because we got to see Daniel in white scrubs, barefoot.

[SAM VOLUNTEERS TO BE HYPNOTIZED.]

NOROMOS: In later seasons, Sam being hypnotized would mean she'd almost but not quite slip out a confession of twu luv to Jack. We really miss the old days and the real Sam.

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: We really miss the chance to get in a confession.

INT. SGC, LABRATORY

[MACKENZIE IS HYPNOTIZING SAM, AS JACK WATCHES FROM A CORNER OF THE ROOM. SAM GOES OVER HER MEMORIES OF WHEN THEY FIRST ARRIVED ON THE PLANET, ALONGSIDE A BODY OF SALT WATER. SHE BEGINS COLLECTING SAMPLES WHILE DANIEL'S FILMING. HE SEES SOMETHING IN THE WATER.]

DANIEL: What… what's that thing out there?

AUDIENCE: Can we do the theme song from "Jaws" now?

[NEM APPROACHES THE SHORE, FINALLY WALKING OUT AND STUDYING THE TEAM. HIS ATTENTION IS CAUGHT BY TEAL'C, PLACING HIS HAND OVER TEAL'C'S SYMBIOTE POUCH.]

TEAL'C FANS: Hands off, Fishface.

JUNIOR: Damn straight. I'm the only one allowed to look vaguely aquatic anyway. Poser.

[NEM BENDS DOWN AND WRITES IN THE SAND.]

DANIEL: Uh… it's… it's Cuneiform.

JACK: [questioning look]

DANIEL: I think he wants to know if we're from the world that built Babylon.

[DANIEL WRITES A REPLY, THEN BEGINS THE INTRODUCTIONS, BUT NEM SCREECHES AND SHOOTS A BEAM OF WHITE LIGHT AT THE TEAM. THEY FALL TO THE GROUND. BACK IN THE LAB, SAM'S DISTRESSED, BUT MACKENZIE ASKS HER TO MOVE ON TO WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. SHE REMEMBERS BEING STRAPPED DOWN TO AN ALIEN TABLE, AND SEEING TEAL'C AND JACK MUCH THE SAME WAY.]

SMUTTERS: Oh, come on, you can't tell us Fishface wasn't into the whole anal probe thing.

BDSMERS: He's into bondage. We like Fishface.

[SAM'S MEMORIES JUMP FORWARD TO WHEN THEY WERE REACTING TO NEM'S IMPLANTED MEMORIES, INTENT ON GETTING TO THE GATE. SHE GETS A BIT HYSTERICAL AND JACK GRABS HER SHOULDERS AND SHAKES HER.]

JACK: Carter!

SAM: Oh my God, Colonel. We left him behind! Left him behind!

JACK: I know.

[JACK PULLS SAM INTO A HUG.]

SAM/JACK SHIPPERS: Squee! Early canon evidence! In! Your! Face!

NOROMOS: If Teal'c had hugged her, would you still be squeeing about canon evidence?

SAM/TEAL'C SHIPPERS: Indeed.

NOROMOS: [facepalm]

JACK: It's all right. We're going back… We're going back.

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL IS STRAPPED INTO NEM'S MACHINE.]

BDSMERS: That would be the Orgasmatron?

DANIEL FANS: It is if Daniel's in it.

NEM: The memory of your history, your race, is within you. Beneath the surface.

DANIEL: I hope so.

DANIEL FANS: We think the machine will work better if he's wet. Or naked. Or heck, for best effect, both!

[NEM WARNS HIM HE MIGHT BE DAMAGED OR DIE, BUT DANIEL SAYS THERE'S NO OTHER CHOICE.]

NEM: Remember Omoroca.

[NEM TURNS ON THE MACHINE.]

DANIEL: Omoroca. [pained sound] Omoroca. [gasp] 'And in that place there was Omoroca… a woman who came forth from the heavenly egg…' [cries out] Unh… unh… I can't!

BDSMERS: He suffers beautifully, doesn't he?

DANIEL FANS: Um... we'll be in our bunks.

[NEM TURNS UP THE MACHINE.]

DANIEL: I can't! [gasp] 'Who walked among men by day… but at night… she would retreat to the great sea to sleep.' [gasp] 'One of the beings called Oannes…'

NEM: Yes…

DANIEL FANS: Oh, yes. Definitely yes.

[NEM TURNS UP THE MACHINE TO "ELEVEN."]

DANIEL: Unh… unh… unh… 'The God Belus, came down unto Babylon… onto the place of Omoroca… and cut the woman asunder!' Oh God!!! Oh God, he killed her! Unh, unh, unh…

BDSMERS: Daniel's making orgasm noises!

DANIEL FANS: We're starting to see your point of view on the whole bondage thing.

BDSMERS: [smug]

[NEM SHUTS OFF THE MACHINE.]

DANIEL: Unh… I'm… I'm sorry… I'm sorry… That's all I ever knew… I swear.

NEM: Belus.

DANIEL: He was a Goa'uld.

NEM: Yes. He murdered my love!

DANIEL: I'm sorry.

NEM: [scream of rage and sorrow]

EXT. PLANET, BEACH

[JACK, TEAL'C AND SAM APPROACH THE WATER, WITH JACK SHOUTING FOR DANIEL.]

SAM: Maybe we're too late.

SNIT: Geeze, with the pessimism.

JACK: We're not leaving without him this time, Cap…

[JACK STOPS AS THE WATER BUBBLES.]

INT. UNDERWATER ROOM

[DANIEL'S AT THE WINDOW. HE TOUCHES IT AND HIS HAND GOES THROUGH INTO THE WATER. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND STEPS THROUGH.]

EXT. PLANET, BEACH

[NEM WALKS TOWARDS TEAL'C. ALL THREE AIM THEIR WEAPONS, BUT DANIEL BURSTS OUT OF THE WATER, YELLING FOR THEM NOT TO SHOOT.]

DANIEL: Nem, you have your answer. Now let us go.

NEM: You may go.

DANIEL: I'm sorry I couldn't give you the answer you wanted.

NEM: I am sorry also.

DANIEL: We could still become friends, your people… and… and mine.

SAM: That's why we were here; we meant no harm.

NEM: Perhaps, in time.

DANIEL: Right.

AUDIENCE: Translation, no way, you hairless monkeys.

NEM: And in time, Daniel, you will find… what fate Sha're.

[NEM HEADS BACK INTO THE WATER AS THE TEAM LOOKS ON.]

DANIEL: Ah, this… this is a long story.

DANIEL FANS: But you're sopping wet, and we'll listen to anything you say. We've got warm, fluffy towels and everything!

SAM: Yeah, I'll bet!

JACK: Tell us about it over sushi?

DANIEL: [jaw drop] That's funny. Uh, I will, after I go get some sleep.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Jack just wants to get him drunk on sake.

JACK: Ah, home. Yeah, about that apartment…

DANIEL: Oh, you didn't!

SAM: The, um, day after the memorial service.

DANIEL FANS: They've *really* got to quit having those things so quickly.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: We bet they're just yanking Daniel's chain about the the apartment.

BDSMERS: Sam just doesn't know there's really a chain.

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Poor thing will just have to spend the night at Jack's right?

FOURGY FANS: We vote for a team sleepover! Everyone needs to be thoroughly reassured Daniel's alive.

AUDIENCE: Well, he hadn't made a habit out of not dying yet, so we'll cut them some slack. However, with all the military red tape, we're surprised they got things cleaned out in less than a year.

DANIEL: The memorial service?

SAM: The colonel said some really nice things.

DANIEL: He… he did. He did?

JACK/DANIEL SLASHERS: Awwww... Daniel knows how Jack doesn't like to talk about his feelings, and how hard it would be with "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in place.

[THE TEAM HEADS ACROSS THE SANDS TO THE STARGATE.]

ROLL CREDITS

AUDIENCE: OK, everybody load up into the time traveling puddle jumper for our next trip! And would all the Daniel fans *please* empty out their drool buckets before boarding?
You must login (register) to review.