Men in Tights by tejas
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Category: Jack/Daniel
Genres: Challenge, Holiday, Humor, Pre-Slash, Vignette
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Jack gets tangled in his own web

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Author's Chapter Notes:
FNF Challenge: 96 "Men in Tights" - Babs posted the challenge and this little monster just fell out of my brain and into the bit bucket. I *had* planned to work on something else tonight. Grateful thanks to Miz Sallye for the midnight beta. All remaining errors are mine.

Warnings: Hot male on male tonsil hockey. Buns were squeezed and reckless ogling occurred. No tights were damaged in the creation of this fic.
"O'Neill, I fail to see the purpose behind this... endeavor." Teal'c held up the offensive garment by his thumb and forefinger as if it were a particularly noxious and long dead creature. The level of distaste exhibited by his expression was second only to being faced with having to wear his First Prime uniform for any reason.

"It's Halloween, T, candy, costumes, scary movies. It'll be fun!" Jack tackled the package he'd found in his own locker with gusto. He loved Halloween and he couldn't wait to see his plan come together. It had been Daniel's idea for costumes to be assigned anonymously. Sergeants Siler, Harriman and Casio had been tagged to come up with the list of costumes. Carter had taken it upon herself to write the program that would not only randomly assign the costumes, but also submit the orders to the Supply Sergeant. No one got anything out of Sergeant Casio that Sergeant Casio didn't want them to know.

But Jack had a plan. The opportunity was too good to pass up.

He knew better than to try and alter anything Carter had done. While he wasn't quite as computer illiterate as he pretended, he was no where near her level. Sadly, she'd come to suspect his ability no matter how often he feigned ignorance. Surely he hadn't slipped up in front of her. No, more likely Daniel had let her in on that. Daniel was much sneakier than Carter could ever hope to be and Jack just knew he'd figured it out at some point.

No, he'd stepped in after Casio had done her magic but before the orders left the base. A little liquid paper, a little black ink and suddenly a few people were getting exactly the costumes Jack wanted them to have. Including him. He opened the box with what he was certain was flair and dropped it in what could only be shock.

"That's not right! I'm not supposed to be…" glancing quickly at Teal'c whose eyebrow of doom was hovering somewhere around "one more word and I will gladly eviscerate you, scum", Jack quickly changed what he was going to say. "I mean, who could expect me to go as this?" He held up what could only be a tunic in one hand and a plastic bag containing a pair of soft boots. His vision of walking into the party dressed as a 19th century British Naval captain fuzzed out leaving this thing in its place. "There better be pants in this box." Jack growled as he threw the tunic down on the bench.

Teal'c's mood seemed to be improving in an inverse relationship to Jack's. He finished unpacking his own box, taking great pains to display the leather pants that accompanied his black silk shirt, boots, hat and mask. He recognized the costume as coming from California mythology and double checked his locker to find the rest of the accoutrements. He pulled out the long, narrow package with satisfaction. Perhaps he would enjoy the evening's entertainment more than he had at first feared. At least his costume represented one who fought for his people's freedom from oppression. And, if nothing else, O'Neill should prove quite entertaining.

"This isn't right, Teal'c! I can't believe this is what I got!" Jack threw the rest of his costume back into the box. "I won't do it."

"Oh, c'mon, Jack, don't be a spoilsport." Jack whirled around glaring at Daniel as the other man entered the locker room. "It's just a Halloween party." Daniel walked closely enough to Jack to peer into the items still in the box. He scowled hard and looked back up at his friend. "Interesting costume, Jack." He brushed past and nodded to Teal'c as he opened his own locker to extract his costume.

"Daniel! I can't wear this!" Jack paced seeming to get more and more pissed off the calmer his companions remained. Teal'c was slowly but surely getting into his own costume while Daniel was calmly stripping before even opening his box. Jack observed his teammate slowly taking off his t-shirt to reveal more hard won muscle than any triple PhD had a right to. Jack swallowed quickly and turned back to his own locker hoping to get himself under control. No way could he go out there in this state in that costume. "Tights, Daniel! I can't wear tights!"

Daniel finished removing his boot and paused as if considering Jack's words. He cocked his head and looked his friend up and down. Lips pursed, brow furrowed, he cleared his throat and then turned back to attack the laces on his remaining boot. "I don't know, Jack. I think you could, um, pull it off."

"Indeed, O'Neill, I believe the tights would suit you." Teal'c finished tying his sash and picked up his mask. "And would not such a garment accentuate desirable portions of your physique in a manner guaranteed to attract the attention of a potential companion?" A sudden cough behind him had Jack turning to check on a nearly naked Daniel who waved him off. When he turned, as quickly as possible, back to Teal'c the big man was standing in front of the mirror adjusting the small mask across his eyes.

"Companion, huh? You really think so?" Jack held up the offensive garment again and tried to see it in this new light. "Nope, not seein' it." He shook his head.

"Just put it on, Jack. You'll never know…what the hell?" Jack looked up in time to see Daniel whip something behind his back. Jack blinked and managed, somehow, to keep his eyes on Daniel's face rather than the vast amount of skin currently on display. The last thing he wanted was to scare off his best friend just because Jack's libido had decided six feet of argumentative, over-caffeinated, male linguist hit every spot Jack had. Nope, tights simply would not do tonight.

"Whatcha got there, Daniel?" Distraction. He needed a serious distraction. He just hoped whatever screwed up his costume selection hadn't screwed up what he'd set up for Daniel.

"N-nothing, Jack." Wearing nothing but his underwear had left Daniel with few options when it came to hiding whatever he had in his hands. Realizing he had his friend at a distinct disadvantage, Jack quickly grabbed the box leaving Daniel with the option to either continue hiding what was in his hands or showing it as he grabbed for the box.

"Well, well, well." Jack triumphantly pulled a tunic similar to the one assigned to him out and held it up for all to see. Daniel sighed and ducked his head in defeat. "What have we here and would those be tights in your hand Danny Boy?"

"Yes, Jack." Daniel raised his head and stared at Jack. "But you knew that, didn't you?" He folded the tights into one hand and approached the older man. He pulled the box out of Jack's hands and tossed it behind him onto the floor in front of his locker. Jack backed away a step or two watching in fascination as Daniel all but stalked him. Daniel spoke, never taking his eyes off Jack, "Great costume, Teal'c. Don’t you need to stop by your room on the way to the party?"

Teal'c took a moment to observe the interplay between his friends. It seemed that Daniel Jackson had finally decided to take matters into his own hands with regard to his relationship with O'Neill. Teal'c decided he would enjoy a few moments of solitude to consider this new, if expected, development. "Indeed, Daniel Jackson. I do wish a brief time in my room to prepare myself for the evening's… entertainment." Teal'c ignored the suspicious look on O'Neill's face as he turned and exited the locker room, his sword hanging easily at his side. Perhaps he should practice scratching the letter "Z" on the walls of his room before joining the rest in the mess hall.

Jack found himself backing up. Daniel's approach was relentless, his expression unreadable. Jack nearly lost his balance as he backed into the wall. Daniel stepped right into Jack's personal space. Even with the slight difference in their heights exaggerated by Daniel being barefoot and Jack still wearing his boots, Daniel still managed to appear to loom over the taller man. Daniel slapped his hand against the wall next to Jack's head and leaned in nearly touching the other man. He brought the tights up to Jack's face and gently stroked Jack's lips with them.

"You knew I'd find these, didn't you, Jack." There was no question in his voice; he spoke as if he were stating a fact. Jack kicked himself for thinking he could ever have hidden anything from Daniel for long. Jack licked his lips hoping he was reading his friend's actions correctly and that it wasn't just wishful thinking. The friend in question leaned in a little closer and Jack struggled not to moan as he felt the other man's breath gusting over his lips. "I think you'll look great in tights, Jack. And I think you want to see me in them, too." Daniel rubbed the tights in his hands along the side of Jack's head and down around to the nape of his neck. The smooth material caressed his skin and sent goose bumps racing along his neck and arms. Other things were rising, too, and if Daniel got any closer he'd get up close and personal with just how interested Jack was in seeing Daniel's long legs and everything that went with them in the silky material currently being stretched out and draped around his neck.

"Daniel." Jack cleared his throat and tried for something better than a croak. "Danny, we shouldn't mmmmmmph." Any other protest Jack had planned was lost as Daniel pulled him down by the neck and kissed him for all he was worth. The kiss was hard and possessive. Daniel demanded and Jack capitulated, reveling in his defeat. Eventually, Daniel gentled their kiss and Jack let him, but held him close nevertheless. Held him close enough that Jack had no doubt that more than Daniel's lips were in on the action. "Damn, Daniel. Where did you learn to kiss like that?"

"Natural talent." Daniel smiled and stroked a hand through Jack's hair. "You're not so bad yourself, O'Neill." Jack smiled at his soon to be lover and leaned in to plant a kiss on his forehead.

"Jaaack." Daniel shook his head and wiped his forehead off on Jack's shirt.

"Now, before I was so rudely interrupted," he ignored the snort he heard from the direction of his shoulder. "I was about to say that we can't do this," Jack barely got his chin out of the way in time as Daniel's head whipped up so he could give Jack the evil eye. "Here! We can't do this here. Not on… on base."

"Damnit, Jack, don't do that to me! Do you have any idea how long it's taken me to work up the nerve to do something like this?" Daniel wrapped his arms back around Jack and laid his face against Jack's neck. "You smell good."

"Getting comfortable, are you?" Jack allowed his hands to roam over Daniel's strong back but hesitated not to let them drift below the waist. It was much too soon for that, damn it all.

"Be more comfortable lying down and if you weren't so overdressed." Or not. Daniel stepped back a little and plucked at Jack's shirt. "Why are you still dressed, Jack?" Daniel stepped back and crossed his arms as if waiting for Jack to get on with it.

"Could be because a horny archeologist slammed me up against the wall and kissed the shit out of me." Daniel raised his eyebrows and gestured in a 'get on with it' manner. "Um, Danny Boy, aren't you forgetting something?"

"The briefs stay on until I see significant skin, flyboy." Jack swallowed as half his fantasies crowded into his mind at once all clamoring for attention. Not even eliminating the ones that were physically impossible cleared his mind enough to respond intelligently to that statement.

"Party." At least that's what Jack tried to say. He hoped Daniel understood the strangled sounds coming out of his mouth.

"Crap." Ah. His lover's mammoth brain just came back online.

"My thoughts exactly. We have to go out there, Daniel." Daniel shook his head and headed for his locker, neatly sidestepping the costume box on the floor.

"No. No we don't. We saved the world again last week. They can't do this to us!"

"Daniel." Jack grabbed the other man's hand and gently took the muted plaid shirt out of it and hung it on a hook inside Daniel's locker. Pulling his new lover back into his arms he laid out his plan. "Yes, we do. We get… dressed and go out there for a while. We shake our stuff," Jack grinned at the annoyed look on Daniel's face. Hopefully his possessiveness would fade a bit, but in the meantime it was making Jack feel like a million bucks. "Ok, you shake your stuff and I'll hide behind Teal'c." Daniel smiled and kissed him quickly before settling back into a full body hug with his hands resting snugly on Jack's ass.

"You only shake this stuff for me, got that?" Daniel lightly pinched one cheek.

Jack closed his eyes and let his hands head for the promised land. Firmly stroking Daniel's ass he nodded and replied, "I think we'll both just hide behind Teal'c."

Daniel patted Jack's ass fondly and pulled out of their embrace. "I think these are mine, Jack. You can have them later when you take them off me." He pulled the tights resting around Jack's neck slowly until they dropped. Then Daniel turned around and bent over at the waist to pick up the rest of his costume off the floor.

"Oh, god, I'm not going to survive the night." Jack slumped down onto the bench and buried his face in his hands.

"We'll survive Jack. It won't be pleasant, but we'll survive. And then," Daniel sat down next to Jack and proceeded to try and figure out how to get into his tights. "Then we've got three days downtime." Jack looked up at him through his fingers.

"Downtime." He sat up. "Three days." Daniel nodded and started slowly working his leg into the leg of the tights. Jack started stripping as fast as possible. "Step on it Robin, the sooner we get out there, the sooner we can leave."

"Oh, god, Jack, did you have to call me that?" Daniel shuddered as he slowly started working the tights up his legs. "Women make this look so easy." Jack wanted to say something about not caring how women looked in stockings anymore, but his mouth was suddenly too dry to even make the attempt. It took him a moment to work enough moisture into his mouth to say anything.

"What's wrong with Robin? That's who you're going as." Jack eyed his own tights, but decided to get into the tunic first.

"Robin Hood, not just plain Robin. Or would you rather be Batman than Little John." Now it was Jack's turn to shudder.

"Wait a minute." Daniel froze for a split second and then finished shimmying into his tights. "How did you know I had the Little John costume? You didn't see the whole thing."

"Sure I did, Jack. You were holding it up when I came in." Daniel slipped his tunic over his head, slowly tugging it down into place. He opened the laces across the chest a bit and tested the fit.

"No, I held up the tunic and the boots. How did you get Little John out of that?" Daniel still hadn't looked Jack in the eyes since he'd denied knowing what Jack's costume would be.

"That's just what popped into my head."

"Uh-huh. Daniel?"


"You knew." Daniel stopped fussing with the costume box and, looking decidedly ticked off, finally faced Jack.

"Okay, yes. I knew. Happy now?" Jack grinned and clasping his hands behind him he gave Daniel a half bow.

"Deliriously, Daniel." Daniel rolled his eyes and shook his head at Jack.

"You're going to be insufferable now, aren't you."


A smile appeared slowly on Daniel's face. Now fully dressed except for the hat, the bow and the accompanying quiver of arrows, he straddled the bench and leaned back on one hand to watch his lover. "The least you can do while you gloat is finish changing. I think I should get something for all my hard work."

Somehow, Jack managed to get changed into his costume without rupturing anything, despite the inevitable quarterstaff comments. As they were leaving, Daniel shoved Jack in front of him and asked, "Naval captain, Jack?"

"Sheik, Daniel?"

"Jack, you bastard!"


Train conductor Harriman joined Sheik Siler and Barmaid Casio in the corner of the mess hall. Casio had been grinning for most of the evening. "Pay up, guys."

"Marie, we don't know anything." Harriman silently appealed to Siler who just shrugged.

"Oh, come on, Walter, how much more evidence do you need?" She took a long drink of the spiked punch and whispered quietly. "They both managed to break into my office and change the costume orders. If I hadn't already suspected it that would have tipped me off, anyway." She nodded toward the SGC's 2IC and his 'best friend' who were currently standing together in another corner and looked like they were the only ones in the room. "They haven't been out of each other's sight all evening."

"They're watching each other's backs." Siler smirked at Harriman. Even he couldn't believe that one.

"Give it up, Walter, that's not what they've been watching."

Harriman sighed and signaled his defeat. He and Siler both pulled out their wallets and each handed Casio a twenty dollar bill. She folded them with exaggerated care and tucked them into her bodice. She curtsied at her friends and then drained her glass with a glance at the two men across the room that she'd set up for her own purposes. "They're so doin' it."

The End
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