Bitch Swap by Eos
[Reviews - 2] Printer
Category: Daniel/Other Male, Jack/Daniel, Jack/Other Male
Genres: Challenge, Humor
Rated: Teen
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Thor's got a nifty new idea for making the Goa'uld and the Tau'ri play nice. Yeah, like that'll work.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Puns and inappropriate use of cell phones.
At first Jack thought the brilliant flash was just lightning from the rain storm raging outside. Then he heard polite little throat clearing noises.


"Greetings, O'Neill."

"Not *now*."

"It is good to see you as well, Dr. Jackson."

"Ah...right. Kind of wish you weren't seeing quite so much of me."

"Thor, buddy--you kind of caught us at a bad time."

"I waited until you were finished, O'Neill."

"Finished. Yes. For the moment. However...."

"We have studied your physiology at great length, O'Neill. It will be at least twenty minutes before you are capable of renewed activity."


"I shall return in five minutes. Please be dressed and waiting in your living room."

"Well," Daniel said as Thor disappeared in another flash of light.

"It does not take me twenty minutes," Jack said indignantly.

"It does. But I'm far more concerned by the fact that Thor knows that."

"You know, Thor could've at least given us time to take a shower," Daniel complained as he took a seat on the couch. "My shorts are sticking to me."

"Yeah, well, clothing is a foreign concept to the Asgard."

"Sex is a foreign concept to the Asgard."

Jack sat next to Daniel and waited for Thor's return. Fortunately, given Daniel's continued complaining, he didn't have to wait long. Thor arrived in the patented Asgard flash of light, accompanied by Baal and Camulus.

"Hey!" Jack said, jumping to his feet. "I did not invite them."

"I did," Thor said. Baal and Camulus both crossed their arms over their chests and regarded Jack with the same smug sneer.

"Wow, it's true," Jack said, staring at the two Goa'uld. "After a while, people *do* start to look like their pets."

"Silence, O'Neill, and listen," Thor said. Jack could've sworn he saw Thor roll his eyes, except for the fact that his eyes were all black and it would be pretty difficult to tell if they had rolled. "The Asgard have grown weary of interceding between the Goa'uld and the Tau'ri. We have devised one last method to bring your two races into line."

"What kind of method?" Daniel asked, standing next to Jack.

"We have chosen a program familiar to the people of Earth."

"Twelve step program?" Jack asked. "'Cause I am *so* ready to kick the snake habit."

"I was referring to a television program, O'Neill."

"No way," Jack said. "Not doing Oprah. Or Maury. Or Dr. Phil or Rikki or Montel or Ellen."

"Actually I wouldn't mind doing Ellen," Daniel said. Jack glared at him. "I didn't mean 'doing' as in doing.... I suppose Letterman is out of the question?"

"The program we have chosen to simulate employs a method meant to teach both parties to appreciate each other." Thor looked pleased. "You will participate in the Asgard version of 'Trading Spouses'."

"Thor, babe, not that this isn't a fabulous idea but...have you lost your little gray mind?" Jack asked after a moment of shocked silence.

"The Asgard High Council believes that this will teach you tolerance of each other, with the added benefit of developing greater appreciation for your own spouses."

"I don't want to get picky, actually, I do," Daniel said. "Thor, there aren't any spouses." He waved a hand between Jack and himself. ""

"Yeah, and he's nothing more than Baal's kinky little sex slave," Jack said, pointing at Camulus.

"I am not little," Camulus said.

"Nor is he a slave," Thor said. Baal and Camulus exchanged startled looks before turning on Thor.

"Oh, I get it," Jack said. He waved his finger at the two Goa'uld. "The whole slave thing is just a cover story, right?"

"That's sweet," Daniel said. "In a really twisted, icky Goa'uld way."

"At least it is a believable story, not that ridiculous 'we're just good friends' nonsense," Baal said. "Are most humans truly that gullible?"

"Sadly, yes," Daniel said.

"We're not the brightest species going," Jack agreed. "But we did invent the vibrator."

"Vibrator?" Camulus asked.

"Silence," Thor said.

"In any case this is all pointless. We refuse to participate," Baal said. "Bringing us here against our will is a direct violation of the Goa'uld-Asgard treaty."

"Oh, like the entire galaxy doesn't know that treaty is a wash," Jack said.

"Silence!" Thor said.

"Wow," Jack said quietly, impressed by Thor's volume.

"Big lungs for a little guy," Daniel agreed.

"The four of you will cooperate and participate fully in the exchange," Thor said, ignoring the heckling.

"Or?" Baal asked.

"Or you will bring about the destruction of your species."

"Our technology has advanced beyond that of the Asgard," Baal said, looking thoroughly bored.

"Not entirely," Thor said. "During O'Neill's temporary intelligence...."

"Hey! Temporary?" Jack said.

"Intelligence?" Baal asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Thanks to the information O'Neill gained from the repository of the Ancients, the Asgard can now, and I quote, kick your snaky asses across the galaxy."

"You lie," Baal said.

"I wouldn't be so sure--that *does* sound like me," Jack said.

"Uncannily so," Daniel agreed. "Just how much of your brain did Thor download into his ship?"

"As for the Tau'ri," Thor continued. "If you do not cooperate the Asgard will have no choice but to leave you to defend yourselves against the Goa'uld."

"Thor!" Jack protested.

"I am sorry, O'Neill, but the Asgard High Council has decreed that it be so."

"So P7X meant nothing?" Jack asked, placing his hand over his heart and giving Thor a wounded look.

"Not to the Council."


"The partners will spend forty-eight hours with the opposing party. During the first twenty-four hours the two shall live according to the host's rules. The second twenty-four hours will be guided by the guest's rules."

"Who's the host and who's the guest?" Daniel asked.

"That I will leave to you to decide," Thor said.

"We will be the host," Baal said immediately.

"I really wish you all wouldn't keep using the word 'host', not when there are snakes around," Jack said.

"We will be the host," Baal repeated. He fixed Jack and Daniel with a challenging look. "Which of you will be our...guest?"


"I'll roll you for it," Jack said, pulling a pair of red dice from his pocket.

"I don't think so, Mr. Never Leaving Las Vegas," Daniel said. He dragged Jack with him into the dining room and took a deck of cards from the junk drawer. "High card gets to choose."

"Cut it," Jack said. Daniel cut the deck and pulled a card from the middle. He grimaced when he turned over a seven. Jack drew, grinning when his card showed ten.

"Be sure to drop me a postcard, Daniel."

"You're really going to send me off with...him?" Daniel asked in a loud whisper.

"Daniel, listen. I can't go with Baal. Okay? I really can't. We have... history."

"But it's okay for Baal and me to create some new history?" Daniel asked. Jack stared at him for a second then wheeled around and walked back into the living room.

"Slight problem," Jack said to Thor. "Baal likes to torture people."

"The partners must be returned unharmed," Thor agreed.

"Define unharmed," Baal said.

"No guns, knives, acid--no maiming in general," Jack said.

"But the sarcophagus...," Baal said.

"Ah!" Jack said, making a cutting motion. "No maiming, not even of a temporary nature."

"What about sex?" Daniel asked.

"There is to be no forced, or even coerced, sex," Thor said.

"Well, where's the fun in that?" Camulus asked.

"You did notice he never denied the kinky description," Daniel said to a stunned Jack.

"And, um, no snakes in the head," Jack said, regaining his equilibrium.

"Is there any sexual activity about which you humans are not squeamish?" Baal asked. "Really, it is a wonder your species manages to procreate at all."

"Huh?" Jack said.

"Fine," Baal said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "But we reserve the right to place our snake in any other available orifice."

"What?" Jack said. His eyes widened as his entire body shuddered. "No, not.... Ew! That's just...Ew!"

"Jack, I don't think he's talking about the symbiote," Daniel said. "At least, I hope he's not."


"We will not stay with him," Camulus said, pointing at Jack.

"You have no choice," Thor said.

"Fine," Camulus said with a heavy sigh. "We shall bring our tatting since we shall obviously need something to keep us entertained."

"Hey!" Jack protested.

"Jack, tatting is.... Never mind, it doesn't involve you," Daniel said with his own heavy sigh.

"Enough," Thor said with what was a definite roll of the eyes. Probably. "You have thirty minutes to pack."

"It won't be so bad."

"No, of course not," Daniel sniped as he yanked a duffel bag from the closet. "I get to be Baal's bitch for two days. Should be loads of fun."

"You only have to be his bitch for the first twenty-four hours," Jack reminded him. "Then it's his turn."

"Silly me," Daniel said, shoving several items into the duffle. "That makes *all* the difference in the world."

"Tell me you won't enjoy ordering that smug bastard around, throwing hissy fits and just generally overwhelming him with Daniel-ness."

"That's assuming I'll be in any shape for hissy fits," Daniel said. He went into the kitchen and added a couple bottles of water and a chocolate pudding snackpack to his duffle.

"Hey, at least you won't have to worry about sex," Jack said, following Daniel into the living room to await Thor's return.

"Why not?" Daniel asked, turning to Jack with a frown.

"Thor said so."

"No, actually Thor said no *forced* sex."

"What do you mean no forced...," Jack yelped as Daniel disappeared in a flash of light. ""

"You will first have to prove your worth," Camulus sneered. With a flip of his kilt he turned and went in search of the bedroom.

"What the hell," Jack said, following. "I've always been a sucker for a guy in a skirt."

48 hours later:

"No, no--you are doing it all wrong."

"Judas Priest--do you bitch at Baal this much?" Jack asked.

"No, but he is not nearly as inept as...."

Jack looked up eagerly as a flash of light banished Camulus from his presence. Giving himself a second to be sure that Camulus had truly departed, Jack jumped up and ran around the living room, lighting a kel-no-reem's worth of candles. He retrieved a small bouquet of red roses from the kitchen and shoved them into a vase, cursing as a thorn impaled his thumb. He hurried back into the living room and set the vase on the fireplace.

Turning around to judge the effect of his efforts, Jack noticed that he'd dropped something. He lunged for the couch, shoving the forgotten material under the cushion just as Daniel appeared in a blaze of light, bitching about Baal and wearing a skirt.

"Hey, Daniel, welcome back. What's with the new threads?"

"Baal insisted," Daniel said, tossing his duffel bag on the couch. "And I decided I kind of liked it."

"Sweet," Jack said, admiring the way the kilt sort of...swayed as Daniel moved. And he downright worshiped the way it rode up when Daniel sat on the couch.

"Um...Jack?" Daniel said, pulling a length of lace from under the sofa cushion.

"Daniel?" Jack said, his eyes still fixed on Daniel's thighs.

"Tatting?" Daniel said.


"Lace," Daniel said, waving the material like a flag.

"Oh. That's...Camulus did that."

"Then why does it have J heart D in the middle?"

"Cammie's a closet romantic?" Jack suggested.

"Right," Daniel said, shoving the lace back under the cushion.

"So...notice anything, Daniel?" Jack asked, gesturing grandly around the room.

"You forgot to pay the electric bill again?"

"Guess again."

"You took up candle making in case the tatting thing didn't work out?"

"It's Valentine's day," Jack said, indignant.

"And this is...?"

"Romance. Which reminds me--your cell phone is broken."

"Broken? How?"

"No idea," Jack said, suddenly finding the roses very interesting.

"Oh, you.... You turned it on vibrate again, didn't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about and it wasn't my idea anyway," Jack said. "Just forget about the phone. And the lace. And P7X."

"What about P7X?"

"Did I not just say to forget about it?" Jack offered his hand. "Come to bed."

"In a minute," Daniel said, pulling at his kilt as he stood up. "I need to take a shower first."


"Chocolate pudding," Daniel said.

"Chocolate...? Wait, I thought you didn't have a good time."

"I never said I didn't have a good time," Daniel said. "In fact, I had a Baal."

The End.
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