Breaking Point: Silence by Castalie
[Reviews - 4] Printer
Category: Jack/Daniel, Daniel/Other Male
Genres: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship
Rated: Adult
Warnings: Non-Consensual Sex Acts
Series: None
Summary: "I remember Jack telling me it's just a matter of time before even the strongest men break, when the body and the mind are under attack. How long before I break, then?"

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Author's Chapter Notes:
There *is* rape and there *is* violence in that story. The fic deals with mental and physical anguish in what can be described as an intense situation.
'Cold and dark' is my world apparently. I just woke up to complete darkness. There's absolutely *no* light in here -wherever 'here' is. Typical, I've been singled out and kidnapped *again*. By whom I don't know...I could try to make a guess, I suppose. God, Jack is going to kill me! Although he would have been proud, they didn't capture me easily. I think I did a number on some of them. Unfortunately they were just too many. Why does it always happen to *me*. What deities have I offended, I wonder? Okay, I'll have to wait a little, I guess. Someone will come and tell me what they want from me. Then, I'll try to figure out what to do from there. No Goa'uld and I'm still in trouble. This is really getting old.

I had a bad feeling about those people. I told Jack and the others. Did they listen to me? Did Jack take some time to actually listen to what I had to say? No, of course not! Why would he, right? I'm not important enough to listen to apparently. I'm never important enough. Even considering the fact that I've fought in the same battles as them and actually *died* several times to protect our planet or their lives, they don't seem to ever take me seriously. Well, Jack is going to pay for this one, believe me! He can kiss our bed goodbye and start making better acquaintance with the couch because that's where he's going to be sleeping for an undetermined period of time! Yes, Jack, you can't hear me, but when you find me, it'll be with great pleasure that I'll inform you that you just traded one fine piece of ass -namely me- for one uncomfortable piece of furniture. 'Little Colonel' will have to find another hot and tight place to bury itself in, I'm afraid! Oh yeah, Jack, you'll pay for not listening to me. But first, you have to find me...

Just waiting for someone to come rescue me or even just explain to me what I'm doing here is getting a little frustrating, to say the least. I'm a linguist, I'm the one who talks to people, but how can I do my job if there's no one to talk to? No, Jack, I am *not* whining and I'm definitely *not* 'cute' doing it -no matter what you think-- but as I said, it's frustrating. Okay, Daniel, think again. There must be someone here, try to talk to them, try to make them react, try to make some contact. That's what you're good at, that's what you do. I really want to know if there's someone nearby or if they're really out of reach. There must be something I can do, something I can say.

Okay, I tried talking, I even tried yelling, nothing seems to escape this place. The sound of my voice just keeps echoing in my cell and it's starting to give me a headache. I don't know how long I've been here but I'm definitely beginning to feel hungry and even thirstier. Of course, my 'hosts' didn't let me keep anything apart from my BDUs, although I guess I should be grateful they left me those. This is already uncomfortable enough without having to freeze as well. It's cold enough even with my clothes. Sitting on the floor isn't the best way to warm yourself but there's nothing else to do, I'm afraid. Oh the joy of traveling offworld!

This is unfair really. I didn't do anything this time. I didn't touch what Jack asked -read 'ordered'- me not to touch, I didn't wander away, I didn't talk to strange people and I sure didn't follow anyone I wasn't supposed to. The only time I deserve the title of 'good little archeologist', this is the reward I get? Thanks a lot, but I don't think I'm going to do it again! I just can imagine Jack, he's surely blaming me for this one. Poor Teal'c and Sam, really, I feel sorry for them. Jack must be in 'Worried Mother Hen mixed with Anxious Lover' mode by now, I just can picture it. You'd think he'd change his view of me once I got to share his life and his bed. But it actually seems worse sometimes. Nothing could annoy me more than him seeing me as his 'kid', now I've just gone one category further; I've become his 'baby'. I'm doomed.

I'm really beginning to hate this place. It's just so dark in here...I can't see anything. I've tried to follow the walls to see how big the room is -to see if it even is a room- and I came to the realisation it's a very small space... I counted, I just have to make three steps and I meet a wall--in every direction. I don't know where the door is, I didn't find anything that indicated there was an opening anywhere and though it's kinda freaking me out a little, I know there must be a door somewhere...I just didn't find it, that's all. It must be a different kind...maybe something that can only be opened from the outside. I just wish there was some light. Jack's the only one to know it but I hate the dark. To me, dark is's so silent it seems loud sometimes. I don't know how to explain it exactly but, to me, dark is heavy and deafening. Know what, Jack? Now would be the perfect time for you to come and find me...I may even reduce your 'couch time' if you do...really...

Think, Daniel, think...who could have taken you and why? Let's try to look at the facts. None of the villagers seemed hostile...not to my knowledge, at least. Actually, I don't know why I felt so ill-at-ease when they were nothing but welcoming. It was just...I didn't like the way they kept looking at me, I guess. And no, Jack, I won't buy the 'they just never saw anyone as gorgeous as you, babe, don't pay attention' line. This was more than that, it was different. It was more intense, deeper, I think. It felt like they knew something I didn't, like they were all nervous and impatient when around me, expecting something... though I couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was.

They seemed to be similar to lots of civilisations we've met through the years. They'd been kidnapped and exiled from their original birth place. I'd say they came from a large territory somewhere in the region of Central Asia to Middle Asia, the Pamir Mountains and Tien Shan came to my mind, actually. Unlike a lot of planets we visited though, centuries ago those men and women fought against their enslavers and gathered around a leader who, as odd as it may sound, decided to take the same name as the one who had enslaved them. The tradition has endured ever since. In a way, though, I guess it's understandable from a certain point of view. It may be seen as a way of actually stealing any power from those Goa'uld who enslaved them for so long. To take their name is to steal their identity and their power over their former slaves. A little cannibalism of sorts. To appropriate the strength and power of one's enemies.

We couldn't see their 'Tengri Kan' -quickly translated, it means something like 'Lord of the Spirits'- but the villagers we first met sent us to their current leader, who was himself feud to the warlord who reigned over the territory. It was pretty easy to see that they lived in a very hierarchical, feudal system. And it was also easy to see that most of the villagers had mixed feelings towards their leader. They seemed to both worship and fear him. To me, this man had a lot of similarities with some System Lords we've become acquainted with, he was haughty, greedy and didn't seem to hold his villagers in high esteem. Needless to say, he didn't impress me much and I didn't really like him. I don't like to say that, I mean, I'm not here to judge a man just on face value or just because some people seemed uncomfortable around him. I really wanted to keep an open mind but he just scared me a little --I'm not ashamed to admit it.

I didn't really have time to say anything to Jack, my stubborn lover just decided he wouldn't waste his time listening to my 'whining' and I didn't know how to tell him the man freaked me out totally. Plus, really, what could I say to Jack? I mean, yes, Gissar did stare at me a lot during the meal we shared last night, but maybe he stared at us *all*. They're really not used to meeting people from other planets, their stargate doesn't seem to work a lot. If I understood correctly -and not to sound smug but I did- it has more a religious significance, something that's fairly common among the different planets we've visited. Okay, so to make a long story don't have any clue about what happened, right, Daniel? Right...and please, don't start talking to yourself like that, it's even more scary, okay? Okay... Jack, where are you?

Dark, silent...It's too dark in here, too silent. I hate that. I don't even want to hear my own voice any more. It just keeps on reverberating round the walls and it just sounds so loud, making the subsequent silence seems even deeper and heavier. Why am I here? How long have I been here? What do they want from me and who are they? Jack, I'd like to go home, okay?

I'm thirsty...why can't I have some water? My throat hurts, I haven't had anything to drink for so long now... my yells haven't changed anything, except my throat hurts even more. I just can't bear the silence. It's debilitating, really. I'm wondering if there's even someone out I alone? Am I under surveillance? What do they want with me? I want water...I want to drink, please... I feel so light headed, I should sleep a little, maybe. Yeah, I think I'm going to sleep a little -but not for long, all right?

I don't know how long I slept. A few minutes, a few hours? Time doesn't exist here anyway. Intellectually, I know what they're trying to do. They're isolating me, they're denying me everything, from the sense of time to the most basic needs. I guess I have to face the fact that someone out there is trying to break me. Both mentally and physically. But believe me, it's one thing knowing it intellectually, it's quite another story when you're actually *going* through the whole process. I remember Jack telling me it's just a matter of time before even the strongest men break, when the body and the mind are under attack. How long before I break, then? I'm not strong, I know that. Jack would kick my ass if he heard me saying that but I know it's the truth. I realize it now-- No, wait! I *am* strong! I may not be a soldier by training but I'm a soldier by experience. I've fought in battles and died protecting my friends and everything we believe in. I've stood proud right in front of Goa'ulds and refused to bow to them. I've never given in. I have to remember that, right? I'm strong enough. I always was. Jack taught me to believe that. It's just a matter of time before he and the others find me. I just have to wait for them. That shouldn't be too difficult. It shouldn't be.

I wish there was a way of knowing how long I've been here. From the state of my face, I'd say several days. I'm not as hairy as most men but still, not having smooth skin any more has to mean something...I need a shave, I need a shower and I need a bathroom. I can't bear living in my own filth. This is a part of the breaking stuff, I know, but it's something I could do without. Although if I had a choice, I could stand sleeping beside my own shit if I could just drink one little glass of water. Hey, when I think about it, there's something to be said about not having anything to eat when you're living in a tiny cell with no facilities, right? I'll have to thank Them, then. This could be even more uncomfortable than it already is. I'll have to remember to thank my host for his generosity. This is funny, really! Wow...I really don't like the sound of my laughter here. Better not do it again, okay? This is just a little too sinister for me, thanks. Don't talk and don't laugh, Spacemonkey. Silence isn't so bad when you don't make a sound, after all. Because when you do, it's so much worse afterwards. Don't make a sound, okay, Dannyboy? Good boy!


God, I'm so thirsty!! I tried licking the wall, it's so cool in here I was able to get some drops on my tongue but it's not enough, it can't be enough! I'm cold, I'm thirsty...why don't they give me something? Oh yeah, I remember. They're trying to break me. To weaken my body and my mind by starving me and not giving me any water and keeping me in the dark, all alone. I know that, I didn't forget, really. You'd be proud, Jack, I'm thinking like a soldier here. See? I'm assessing the situation. My captors are trying to break me for whatever reason they have, and I'm not giving in. Also, the cold is starting to get to me. Even curled in a tight ball, I can't help feeling the coolness of the floor and it's the same thing with the walls when I'm leaning on them. But hey, it gives me some water to lick from them so I'm not really complaining.

Are you still looking for me, Jack? You never leave someone behind, right? And I'm not just 'someone', I'm your lover. You would never abandon me, you would never give up. That's just how it is between us, I know that, Jack. I'm not afraid. I promise you. I know you'll find me because you're still out there and you're still looking. You won't stop before you find me. I know that. Really, I do.

Jack *never* left me behind, okay? He just 'thought' I was dead, that's not the same thing. And they all went back to Oannes to find me. Stop it! Jack loves me, he'd never let me rot in a place like this. He loves me. Of course, sometimes he's a little hard on me, but that's his job. That's the Colonel speaking, not my Jack. The two are different. It's true though, that the Colonel tends to be a little short with me. I'm still pissed at him for the 'shut up, is that clear enough' line but he apologized again and again for that one. I still remember how Jack made love to me that night, he'd never been so tender before. It's not his fault I can be annoying sometimes. I mean, I speak all the time and I never obey any of his orders and more often that not, I argue with his judgements. Yes, I can be annoying sometimes. I've been told that often enough in the past, that's something I knew already. And Jack's always so understanding and patient. He never really yells and he sure never raises a hand on me in anger. That's definitely something new and it's so good feeling safe with my lover. So, see? Jack won't give up on me. He'll come. I just have to do my part. Stay alert and not break. That's all. head hurts so much. I can't open my eyes. I think I'll just sleep some more. I'm just hurting too much to do anything else. I can't stop shaking. Is it making my headache worse? I'm wondering, is that possible? Oh God, I hurt. Just sleep, Dannyboy, just sleep, okay? Maybe it'll be better when you wake up.

Water!! There's water! I 'smelled' it when I woke up, I swear I did...there was something different in my cell. I reached with my hand in front of me and found a bowl. I made myself sick drinking it too quickly and could have cried when I realized I had just thrown up the precious liquid. But there was more of it in the bowl...I made myself drink it more slowly the second time, didn't think I would be able to but I didn't want to lose more of felt so good! I almost forgot I was hungry too. Almost but still, the water felt like fresh and so good, running over my tongue, down my sore throat...oh Jack, this is so good! I feel a little bad because now, there's vomit in my cell and I have to abandon a little more room but I think it was worth it, right? I mean...maybe someone will clean it or something? I don't care anyway! I drank water...I drank water... will the bowl still be there tomorrow? Will it be filled again? Wait a minute... who brought it here? And from where? Did you hear something, Daniel? No, you didn't, of course, you were too busy sleeping, right? And just now, you didn't even think of the consequences of something being brought have to focus, you hear! Yes, yes...I need to focus, right. I have to stay awake to try and see where the bowl came from and who brought it. I may be able to find out something about my situation...that's good, yes. Need to stay awake. There's nothing to do here of course...nothing to think about, just the dark and the small place... oh and the smell of course, let's not forget the smell. I'm wondering... maybe I haven't been here for too long, I mean, if I had been, I wouldn't even be able to 'smell' any odors anymore in here...they would just be a 'part' of the place, right? It wouldn't make any difference. So maybe, I just *think* I've been here for a long time because time doesn't exist, I'm sure Jack is still looking...because he loves me and would do anything to have me back...that's just the way things are between us. I mustn't forget that. I haven't been here for too long, really, I'm sure of it now. It won't be long before someone comes and finds me... It doesn't matter right now anyway because I had water, I had water. That's the only thing that counts.

I'm hungry...hungry, hungry, hungry...why won't that headache leave?? It's annoying...hey, this is funny...I have a headache, do you get it, Jack? I guess you won't get some tonight, sorry...but you know what? If you find me soon, I'll thank you in a really good way...and you know I'm good, right? You'll like it, Jack, I know it...but for that, you have to find have to find me...okay, Jack? This headache is killing me...I'm going to sleep now. There's nothing else to do anyway. I'll find where the bowl came from another time, promise.

I feel so tired, so tired. I can't keep my eyes open. I just feel sore all over. I can't stand up. Where would I go anyway? Three steps, turn, then three steps again and turn, three steps and turn again, three steps and back. That's my new dance. I'm not really sorry to be lying down all the time now. Really, the lack of scenery was getting to me. Sleeping is kinda nice. Time goes more quickly like that. Of course, I wouldn't know since there's nothing like 'time' here. Some time ago, I woke up and had the oddest feeling. I thought I was dead! Is that funny or what? I mean, I really thought I was dead. I couldn't switch on the light of course, so I had to really think about that one. But then, I realized I couldn't be dead. I mean, for one, when you're dead you're not hungry or thirsty -and believe me, I've been dead enough times to know the feeling- and then, when you're dead, it doesn't smell so bad. So, see, I realized I was still alive. That was nice. Sorta.

I'd like to think about interesting things, I know I can do that usually but I don't remember a lot of interesting things right now. Plus, my headache is always there and my mind gets confused. I think I'm just going to sleep. Maybe dream a little? That would be really great.

God, I hurt. Those cramps are unbearable. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Don't, Daniel, don't, okay? You don't have anything left in your stomach and it'll just make things even more painful. Curl up in a tight ball, that's it. Curl up on the pain and sleep. Oh please, sleep. It'll get better. Don't cry, okay? You don't want to lose the precious water you drank some time ago. Yeah, sleep...sleep is fine. It'll make the pain go away for a while, it'll make the hunger go away for a while...just for a while but oblivion is the only thing left. Sleep, Daniel, sleep...

Wake up, Daniel! There's something in your cell. It smells different. Food! There's food somewhere. Just wake up! God, oh God, it's true! My hands are running over the floor and I find it! Right beside the empty bowl there's another one filled with something to eat. I can't believe it! What is it? It's slippery, it feels like a sort of broth. It smells so good, it's divine! There's no spoon or anything but who cares? Hmm, oh, this tastes so good! ! It's like tasting a piece of heaven. I have a little piece of heaven in a bowl! Eat slowly, Dannyboy, you know what happens when you suddenly eat something after not ingesting anything for a long time. You don't want to throw up like with the water, right? Eat slowly! Yeah, that's good. Don't eat it all, you don't know when you'll get any more.

I haven't felt so good in a long time. I actually have food in my stomach! And I managed not to make myself sick. It felt like I ate the little bowl of broth for hours but it was worth it if I didn't lose anything. Water some days ago -I don't know if that's correct but I have to try to find a reference- and now food. I don't know what's happening but I don't mind one bit as long as they keep feeding me. I can't stand being thirsty or hungry. It's like I'm dying little by little. Like I can feel my life being stolen away from me. I can't stand it. I can't.

I had forgotten how good it felt to have something in my stomach. Please, give me more soon, okay? And water, please?

When I woke up, the bowl was still there and I ate a little more. There's nothing left now but frankly, it was enough of an effort not to eat it all the first time. I couldn't be more reasonable than that.

I'm feeling sore all over. I'm lying flat on my back on the floor. I've been staying in that position for a long time now. Maybe I should try to find another position? Decisions, decisions. On my side? Leaning against the wall? At the edge, or in the middle of the cell? many possibilities and so little strength to try them all. I guess if I actually took time to think about it, I'd find it pretty ironic, maybe even funny. Life can be a bitch, right? Oh, Jack, this is just so cliched. I can hear you making fun of me. I can go on, you know? Welcome to my world of cliche, Jack. When you don't have anything to do, try some cliches and you'll feel better! That's my new philosophy. Life is unfair. La via esta duro, amigo. La vie est cruelle. Oh God, don't laugh, Daniel, you'll have to live in the silence afterwards and it'll just be worse. True enough, true enough. Just shut up and it'll be fine. Oh I have another one. Life sucks and then you die. How about that one? Life is a series of disappointments followed by death. Hmm, don't really like those ones. Better shut up entirely, Dannyboy, don't you think? Yep. What can I do, then? I know! Sleep! When you're waiting to rot in a tiny and dark cell on another planet, just close your eyes and do'll see...if won't make any difference, but at least you'll be able to say you tried!

Alone alone alone alone... too silent. Too dark. Don't like that, really. I hate being alone. I wanna have some company! Wanna talk with someone. Or if they really don't want me to talk, I'll just listen. I swear. I'll shut up and just listen to another voice...a human voice. Just any other voice but my own echo on those cold walls.

The magic food and water haven't appeared again. Maybe it was a one time thing. Maybe they wanted me to hope again and then shatter that hope? Well, they kinda succeeded, really. I don't know what to think, I don't know anything any more. I think I may be dying little by little. My body is getting smaller, I swear! I'm not crazy. I'm just getting smaller and smaller. Maybe I'm going to disappear in this place. Maybe it's not a cell but a tomb! That would be pretty ironic. An archeologist left to die in a tomb. It doesn't really make me laugh, though. Not even smile. My lips are dry anyway so smiling would probably hurt. But then, what is a little more hurt between I wonder, will you remember me, Jack?

I'm dying, I'm dying, I'm dying...all alone and forgotten by everyone. If I close my eyes right now, will I be dead when I wake up? 'Dead when I wake up'? Oh Dannyboy, you're really losing it! This is just too funny, really. I don't care if the silence is worse afterwards but when something is funny, you laugh. That's what humans do; I'm still a human after all. Maybe not 100% by now but still a little bit. Wow, I'm wondering...when Jack sees my corpse, what will he think? I'll be ugly, I know it. Ugly and small and -- well, dead. He won't be pleased, that's for sure. But hey, it wasn't really my fault, right? They don't feed you in this place! I'll have to make an official complaint! Or maybe I'll send Teal'c? He doesn't like it when I'm mistreated. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Send Teal'c to sort them out. They won't laugh, I can tell you!

You know, I'm pretty sure I don't really deserve dying in such a place. I mean, I know I'm not really worth anything but really...dying alone isn't something any one deserves, right? And dying by starvation is just a little too horrible, you know? Well, *I* don't deserve it, I'm sure of it now. See? I just had to think a little about that one. So I don't deserve it and Jack doesn't either and Teal'c and Sam...

Hammond doesn't either. And Janet and Cassie and Catherine, and Kasuf and Skaraa and... won't come, will you? I don't know why, I was so sure you would. But it's okay. I was happy while I was with you. I already had a family with SG1 of course, but when you told me you loved me and wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, you just really made up for the fucked up life I lived before. I love you, Jack, more than I've ever loved any one. Since I'm dying, I think I'm entitled to be as corny and mushy as I want, right? Dying isn't nice, really. I've done it often in the past but it was always fast and over before I knew it. This particular dying is unbearable. I see myself dying, Jack...oh okay, I don't *see* myself since I can't see *anything* but I feel myself dying. Don't try it, Jack, it's an awful feeling, really.

I'm just gonna rest my eyes for a while, I'm fed up with sleeping. It's the only thing I do now. I'd like to find a nice game to play in my head but I don't remember anything nice. My mind is blank and empty right now. I'm so stupid, I should have tried to make a list of the things I loved about Jack, of the things I loved doing with him or the things I loved him doing to me. I should have done a list like that when my mind was still there, now there's really nothing left. I hate myself!

There's food and water in my cell today! Food and water! The magic box has worked again. I crawl tiredly across the floor of the cell and find the two new bowls. I stretch my arm with difficulty and my hands are shaking so much I'm losing some oh so precious water. Easy, Daniel, easy... Drink and eat slowly. God, I couldn't help throwing up. Okay, try again. Even more mustn't lose a bite. Now, focus, for God's sake, focus, Dannyboy.

I must have been a good boy because I'm receiving some treats on a regular basis now. I don't know where it's coming from and why it's coming but I may not die, after all. Not yet at least. Even though I'm able to eat a little each every day and drink some water as well, it feels like I'll always be hungry or thirsty. I hate that feeling... it's like a need that can never be satisfied. There's never enough food, never enough water. Never enough of anything.

Three steps turn, three steps again and turn, three steps and turn again, three steps back to square one. I'm up and moving. This is so incredible, I'm standing up and moving. I can't go anywhere, I'm just meeting wall after wall. It feels like the cell is getting smaller. Is that possible? I clap my hands. Hmm, I think the echo is still the same. I'm a bat now. I wish I had a bigger cave, though. Wait... I'm living in a hole and I'm filthy and there's no humans around me...maybe I'm a rat, after all. Three shaking steps, turn, three shaking steps and turn ag- I can't go on. That was a nice walk in the middle of nowhere. Hope you're happy, Dannyboy? Sit down, now, sit down. Without thinking, I begin a little rocking motion and I try to think of the reason why Jack hasn't come for me. Rocking is nice, it's like a lullaby, I'm feeling a little less distressed like that. Keep on rocking back and forth, Daniel, it'll make your mind go blank again, that's good.

What? What's happening? Did something touch me on my arm -no wait...not something, someone? Is there someone here? Jack came! I think they're talking to me, my head feels so fuzzy I don't understand anything, but I don't care, God, it feels so wonderful, they're talking to me! Voices, voices. They're touching me! Someone is touching me, I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Someone touched me.'s not Jack, is it? Focus, Daniel, concentrate, don't close your eyes! You're not really exhausted, think! Do something! I'm sorry, I can't. I'm too weak, I can't do anything. Someone is carrying me, I'm cradled in someone's arms and nestled on a broad chest which isn't Teal'c's. I'm not rescued. Jack didn't come. I'm sorry, Jack, I thought it was you. I'm sorry because this feels so good. This man is warm and he's human, don't you see? They're touching me and talking to me. I don't care what happens. I'm not dead, I didn't die alone in that cell. I didn't die, I didn't die...

I couldn't help myself. I fell asleep in that stranger's strong arms. I panic for a moment because I still can't see anything, but the arms around me still my movements and I realize I have something on my eyes. I'm still in the darkness but there's some light that passes through the material. I make my lips bleed but I can't help the smile that comes up on my face. I feel soft hands on them. Then I realize another thing...I'm in a bath or something like a bath I think, I'm in warm water and I'm being washed! They're not so gentle with my body right now but I guess death was surrounding me, it musn't be easy to wash it off. I don't like where the hands are leading but being actually *touched* by someone else is just too wonderful. I'm still so tired and weak, anyway, I can't do anything but let myself be manhandled. I don't know why they're doing this, what the purpose of the whole thing is, but I don't care. Because, see, I didn't die! I'm sure they're talking to me and expecting my cooperation but there is a fog in my mind. I don't understand anything...I just listen to their voices, to the sounds of the water around me and I could cry because these are the most beautiful sounds I've ever heard.

I must have fallen asleep again because I'm being woken up by a sharp slap to my face. I still don't understand what they're telling me, I'm sure I normally should. It's just that I can't focus on anything but the sensations. Even the slap felt good. It's like I can still feel the hand on my face and I like it. I smell good. I slowly and tiredly raise my hand to my face and I realize I'm smooth...I've been shaved, as well. This is nice. I lean on the body behind me and receive another slap. I try to straighten up and to stay still. I fail. Fortunately, the man behind me is holding me upright or else I know I'd just fall on the floor and I wouldn't be able to stand up again. I know I can't . My legs are there, I know that, but they don't work at all. Someone is apparently approaching me and I feel the hands on my arms tighten. It hurts more than it's supposed to and I guess I should feel worried about that, but I can't. I don't want to lose the feeling of being surrounded by other human beings. My face is being held as well, by two big hands and I suddenly feel lips on my own. I flinch and try to back up but I can't. I'm being held too tightly and I just can't move. Against my own judgement, I realize the lips are both soft and hard. They're demanding but are warm and alive. The hands on my face begin stroking my cheeks, running over my face and down my neck. Suddenly, I can't bear being touched any more. I hear a whimper and realize it's coming from me. I close my mouth and try as hard as I can to move my face away. The only thing I gain from this is a hard palm on my right cheek. I want to be left alone, I want to sleep, I want to feel my own body now that it's normal again, I want to be touched but not like that. I want Jack, Jack's the only one who has any right over my body. I receive yet another slap and I feel even harder hands on me and then I don't feel anything more because everything goes dark.

I wake up in my cell. It seems different, though. The smell has disppeared. It doesn't smell any more. I sit down and pull my knees to my chest and suddenly realize something. I am not wearing my BDU's any more. I'm wearing something else. I touch it and try to assess it. It's soft. The shirt doesn't have sleeves and it seems to be rather short for I can touch my navel without having to raise the material. The pants are tight and almost feels like leather and is really low on my hips. I don't have any underwear. I wonder, what do I look like, clothed like this ?

Is there someone singing in my cell? It's not me, is it? No, it's not, I know that. Jack, do you hear something? No? Okay then. You aren't here...hmm I can pretend though, right? Let's just pretend you're here. I like that game. Very much. But be nice or I'll send you away. This is *my* cell, don't forget it. I make the rules and everything. If you aren't nice to me, I'll send you away -but for now, stay...stay, okay? For now, you're staying with me and I'm not're here with me with me with me...

They came again to take me to the Man who kissed me. I had my bath as usual and it seems I'm wearing the same clothes again. Still the blindfold of course, can't forget that one, can we? You know, I didn't see or hear them coming. I was sleeping again, I guess, but did *you*, Jack? No? They did come out of nowhere then. That must piss you off, right, Jack? That you didn't hear them coming, you being a former member of Special Ops, and all. Do you think they're going to pull off the blindfold? Maybe the Man will. What would you do in a case like this, Jack? Surely you would tr- Hey, the Man is here! I'm sure it's Him. What is he saying? Oh he's going to pull off the blindfold. Nice, nice. Thanks. I can see again! I wondered if I would be able to, if my eyes would still work for real. You know, me living in the dark all the time... I really didn't want to be blind for ever, you have to agree with me on that one, rig- Yes, I heard you! I'm paying attention, promise. Shut up, Jack, I can't hear what he's say- oh...he wants me to kneel before him, Jack, what do I do now? I don't like his hands on my hair, you know -this is starting to hurt a little already. What do I do? No no no, don't send me back! All right, all right, I'm kneeling. I don't like this, Jack, I don't. I think- I think I know what he wants. His hands are so rough, Jack, in my hair and on my neck...pulling me towards His- He wants me to do it myself, to open his pants for Him and- please no, I don't want to do that. Leave me alone! Don't touch me! Nooo- God...I didn't mean to hit Him. He's going to kill me now, Jack. Oh God, that hurts- stop it stop it stop it-

Hurt hurt hurt hurt...Jack, are you there? I think I really need you right now. Oh you're there, great. Come near me, please? I don't see anything any more. It hurts so much, Jack. I think I'm still bleeding. Did I stay unconscious for long? You don't know. All right. I can't move at all, you know. So maybe, I'm just going to lie here, okay? My head is killing me, my back is hurting bad and my arms... are you sure they're not broken? Not even one of them? All right, all right, I believe you. No need to get pissy. I'm the one who's all broken, you know. And this is your fault, talking to me all the time, I couldn't hear him speak to me. And then... why didn't you do something? I'm a big boy and I didn't need your help? I know that, thanks. But really, talk about the perfect time to actually listen to what I always tell you! I needed some help, Jack. I needed you, do you understand that? I didn't like his hands touching me there. You know how I hate people touching me and did you see where his hands were? You could have done something, said something. You didn't do anything at all. I'm sorry Jack, but I think I don't really like you right now.

Are you sure my arms aren't broken? They hurt really bad, Jack, real bad. They've been hurting for a long time, I think. Hey, I don't feel my back... that's probably not good, right?

The Magic Box is working again. I think the Man doesn't hate me too much after all. I thought he was going to let me die again. I mean, to let me die... I know I haven't died here yet. I *know*, Jack! I know I know...I'm alive and you just forgot me... You forgot me and I'm still alive, that's all.

Jack? I didn't mean to make you go away. You can come back now, all right? You know how I feel about being alone all the time. Come back?

Look, Jack! I moved my arms! Hurray. They're working... my legs too, by the way. Look, three steps and three steps and three steps and again. This is nice. I was wondering, do you think they'll come for me again? You know, to take me to the Man. No no, I don't really want to see Him again, of course not, I mean, I was just was nice having someone touch me and speak to me --I know, Jack, I *know* what He did the last time but-look, I'm all alone here, always and... it's so dark and so silent all the time and -and you know I hate that. You know it! I'm sure you wouldn't like it either, actually. So maybe...

This is it, Jack. The Man's forgotten me as well. He forgot me like you did, like the others did. He doesn't want me any more. He just decided to let me rot here after all. I'll be here forever. One day you'll get tired of being stuck here with me and you'll leave and what will I do then? Why, why doesn't he call me back? I didn't want to hit him, didn't I say I was sorry? Do you remember what I said, Jack? Did I apologize? Do you think he's still mad? He won't touch me or talk to me again, will he? He won't, I'm sure of that. He won't allow me to 'see' again, it was so nice when he allowed me to see.

If I'm not really dead...what am I? Oh I know, a memory. Just a sad memory. Am I even going to forget *myself* ? Hope not. That would be sad all right.

Bad boy, Danny, bad boy. You know why the Man is not coming back. You didn't obey and now you're being punished. That'll teach you a lesson. Apparently, you have forgotten what you had learned in the past, haven't you? Well, too bad, because now see, you're just a pitiful man buried alive in a dark cell, whose existence won't ever be remembered. All you had to do was obey, submit one more time. What is it to you, really? Pride is for men like Jack O'Neill or Teal'c. Who do you think you are?

Jack... there's someone in the cell with us. Did you hear that? No? Okay, then. Jack? Do you think I'm, you know, less worthy than you or Teal'c? No no, just wondering. Do you think the Man is going to stay mad long?

Someone's coming someone's coming someone's coming... who's going to enter my little home? Stop whimpering, Dannyboy, they don't like that. Must be a good boy or they won't take you out. Understood understood understood. Not a sound, not a word, nothing. Silent silent silent. Hands on my arms, on my face. Not a sound not a sound not a sound. Shush...good boy, Danny. Same blindfold over my eyes, I don't like it, I want to see what's outside, want to see, don't like it. Fingers on my lips? Mustn't whimper, I forgot, sorry sorry sorry. No whimper, Danny. Shush. If I'm a good boy, the Man will allow me to see. Must be good for Him. No giggles, shush. 's nice, I'm being carried again.

Ohhhh the bath again...hmm heaven heaven heaven... What is this? Tastes like toothpaste but much stronger, yeah, need it, go ahead...I won't move, promise, do your thing. Oh...why do you have to shave me there too, I don't really lik-no no, I didn't say anything. I'm good, see? Don't move Dannyboy. Shut up. We'll go see the Man afterwards, right? My clothes again, same smooth clothes I think, still short over my navel and still low on the's okay, it's okay. Mustn't say anything, mustn't move. Keep still. They don't want me to walk? I'm carried again...broad chest, warm skin under my face. Mustn't fall asleep like the last time. I want to stay here. I don't want to go back in the dark room , okay? Oh, we've stopped. Okay...Off with the blindfold. Blink a little. I can't see very well but I can still see the colors and the shapes...There're colors. The world isn't dark after all. But I knew, no, I'm serious, I remembered that... A little. The Man is right in front of me and He's talking to me. Listen, Danny, listen. Focus. What? Yes, I'm sorry I hit you that last time. When was it? Doesn't matter. I'm sorry, I truly am. I'll be good this time, uh huh. Master? Don't want to call Him that...but if I don't, He'll send me back. Decision decision... No no no, don't wanna go back. Master, all right. This is easy. Men like me don't have any pride. Pride is for men like Jack or Teal'c, I remember now. Kneel? Still easy. Easy easy easy. See? I'm kneeling. Touch my hair again, please? Mustn't cry or He'll think I'm not obedient. Easy Danny, don't cry....oh God, He's touching my hair and my face...thank you thank you. If I bow again, will you keep your hands on my neck? Yeeees... Again, please?

His voice is the most wonderful voice I've heard. This is me He's talking to! I'm not dead and I'm not forgotten and I'm not even invisible. Wow...will have to think about that later. Up, I'm up, all right. A kiss? Don't think, Danny or He'll send you back. Please, don't think, just do it. It's just a's nothing. Lean towards Him, stretch a little on your toes and kiss Him. Open your lips now, let Him in. His tongue is claiming me already...Don't fight. Press your body onto His, accept His hands roaming over your back, don't deny His touch even when it's going lower and lower. Don't back away, I beg you. He'll punish you and beat you and will send you back to that dark and dead place. You'll be alone...Let Him touch you...He's the only one now, the only one to touch you and talk to you. He allowed you to see, He allowed you to hear, to feel...He gave you a living world. Don't let Him take it back... go on your knees...Master? I'll obey you, don't send me back, please? Let me do it, I'll make it good. Good enough for you to keep me here a little while. I won't tell Jack and if he comes here, I'll tell him not to look. Never to look. He doesn't speak a lot to me these days anyway. Maybe he won't talk to me any more. I'll open my mouth, I won't bite, I promise. You don't have to hit me. I'll do it...Jack, if you're here, don't look, okay? Don't look don't look don't look...

I don't remember how I got back to the cell. Do you know, Jack? Jack? You here? Oh, wait wait... OH GOD, there's light in my cell! Light! Tiny little light coming from a tiny hole but it's here. I can't believe it, I can't! Light light light light...I'm not living in a dark and dead place any more, I'm not. I know I'm not dead as long as I can see that light, do you understand? I won't sleep tonight, I won't, I don't want to lose my Sun, I don't. I'll keep watch over it, I won't lose it, I won't...

Did the light get bigger? No, uh? It's just me, I know. I don't mind. I don't mind as long as it stays.

Is the light still there? Yes it is. Go back to sleep, Danny, it's still there. Go back to sleep.

Sun...light...This is a reward, Jack, do you hear me, a reward. He gave it to me! I was good to Him and now I have this. Funny, isn't it? You both like my sweet mouth and you both like me on my knees. Really, don't you think it's funny? So funny...

Jack...Why won't you talk to me? Please?

Know what? I think there's something different in the Cell, apart from the light of course. I'm wondering if -let's try something. Clap your hands and you'll see...Do it, Danny, do it. The echo coming back at me is different. Bigger, the cell is bigger! Try it, Dannyboy. Okay...One step, two steps, no change here of course, three steps, end of my more Daniel and you'll know...Oh God, a fourth! Four steps now, four. Do it again, one step, two steps, three steps, four steps, turn. Again, again!

Four steps, turn, four steps again and turn. Four steps and turn again. Four steps and back.

Four steps and you turn. Don't stop here, though, no sir, four steps and you turn again. And then, it's four steps again. Sir, yes, sir, and another four steps and you're back. Again, please?

Why, Jack, why don't you talk to me anymore? You didn't watch the last time, did you? I asked you not to, you know! It was nothing, Jack, nothing but...He touched me. He touched my hair at first and- no, of course I didn't like what He made me do. I don't want to do it again and I don't want to do more but- He touched me and talked to me you think He'll come back? You never touch me anymore and now you don't even talk to me -do you think He'll come back?

I think He will come back. The Master. Still don't really like calling Him that but that's what He is, isn't He? 'Master'... it's just a word after all. Something to call Him. I don't *need* to call Him anything, sure. Don't mind me, Jack. Words, they're just words... words aren't all nice, though. I don't like what He called me last time. You don't know what it means, I'm sure, Jack but I won't translate if for you. No, I won't! Even if you wanted to know, I wouldn't tell you, you hear? Jack, do you hear me?

Fine! Don't talk to me, see if I care! First you give up on me and abandon me to rot in that dead place and now you ignore me? Well, you want to know something? You can go to hell.

How long has it been since I saw the Master? He hasn't forgotten me, has He? I pleased Him, I know that. He came in my mouth, Jack and I didn't like it since it wasn't you but it means He liked it and that's all that counts now. He likes my body, He said so, He says I'm beautiful and He's satisfied that I'm so responsive. He said so Himself, I'm not making that up, Jack. He said He was sure I would suffer beautifully and that He'd crave my pain. He said so...He'll come back to me, He won't leave me in that place forever. I don't mind hurting if He comes back.

Jack? Please, I didn't want to make you leave. Talk to me? I can't stand being alone, I can't. Please, talk to me.

Four steps, turn. Four steps again and turn. Four steps and turn again. Four steps and back.

I said I was sorry, Jack, okay? Do I disgust you so much? I disgust myself but I really disgust you? Do you hate me, Jack?

Rock back and forth, that'll make the pain go away. Rock, Danny, rock...and sleep afterwards...He'll come back, you'll see. Master won't let you die here.

Someone's coming someone's coming! Don't clap your hands, they don't like that. Kneel and wait for them to pull you up. I know, I know, not a sound, not a word. I know my lesson. See me? I'm silent. The blindfold again. Still don't like it but shush. I can walk you kno-oh that's so nice. I like being cradled against that warm and solid chest. Are you taking me to Master? Sorry, sorry, I'm not allowed to talk. It's okay, just don't stop touching me, all right? Oh the bath first, I forgot. Hands on my now naked skin, all over, washing my body, washing my hair. Mustn't whimper or they'll think you're not obedient and they'll send you back. Shush, Danny. Are you stupid or what? Not-a-word-not-a-sound, that's my new motto...I know! NAWNAS, my new favourite acronym. See, Jack? I may not be military but I still have an acronym -just for me, isn't that nice? Oh I forgot, you don't speak to me anymore. Hey, I remember that one, it's the same toothpaste. Still need it, that's for sure, do it. I'm not moving...

I'm all cleaned up and I smell so good. He'll be pleased, won't He? Yes yes, I want to be pretty for Him, don't want to displease Him. Do that again, in my hair...I know I belong to Him but you can still touch me, yes? Why do you bend me ov- rough hands in me. Mustn't cry out, keep silent, keep still... it'll be over quickly. Don't think... My clothes again, always the same things but's better, so much better...Cradled again. We stop. The blindfold is being pulled away...I see again, I see! Colors, shapes. I love that! Kneel beside the bed, okay, I can do that. He'll arrive soon? No, I don't want to bow my head to the floor, I won't be able to see ar- That hurt! Sorry sorry. Don't whip me again, I bow low, see? I just wanted to see around me. You won't tell Him, right? I'll wait in that position, I'll wait. I just want to stay here. Jack never speaks to me now and I can't stand being alone. I think he doesn't love me anymore, you know -maybe I understand him a little but st- He's here! Master is here. His hand in my hair, on my neck. May I look up, may I? Thanks. Still touching me, talking to me, to *me*. Rules? I'll obey them of course. I'm used to it, you know, well I *was* before Jack and I'll do it again. If you don't send me back, I'll do it again. I don't want to go back, I don't- I'm listening, I'm listening, sorry. Mustn't talk unless talked to? Mustn't talk...okay okay, doesn't matter as long as you talk to me, you and others as well. I'll do what I have to do to be able to hear voices again, you'll see. I know how to obey, I swear. Andrew taught me everything. You didn't know that, did you? He always said I was *good*, so did Jack, so I'll be good to you as well. Let me show you how. Let me show you you don't have to send me back, please?

Yes, let me show you, Master. Don't think, Danny, don't think, just do it. Unzip His trousers. Stroke His cock a little, play with His balls and open your mouth. Take it deep. He likes it already. Lick, suck. Take it deeper. Don't gag, Danny. Bring Him to the edge and back -again and again. Hands tightening in my hair. Stop now. His look...I know that look, I know what He wants. Strip. Slowly, make Him want you. Think of that dead place you don't want to go back to. He'll save you from that place, you just have to please Him. You know how. Strip slowly, like you were taught. You remember, right? Now lie on the bed. On your back. Spread your legs, bend them a little. Put your hands over your head and let Him touch you. Don't deny Him anything. No no, I didn't flinch. Sorry. God, don't hit me again. I won't flinch. Do it again. Hands over my skin, His mouth on mine demanding entry, claiming me already like He'll do with his cock in a while. Rough hands caressing me, pinching me, slapping me. Where am I? Who's here? Jack? Is that you? Did you come after all? Did you find me and are you loving me? Hands and fingers, rougher and rougher *in* me. It's not you, Jack, is it? You never came. Your own hands won't touch me ever again, I know now. I belong to another. I swore to you no one would ever touch me again and I'm betraying you like you betrayed me by abandoning me here. Strong arms turning me on my belly. Pulling my lower body so that I get onto my knees. His hands pushing my head low, manhandling me into the right position. He's opening me and it hurts, Jack. He won't wait long before staking His claim. Don't be here, Jack. Never come back. Don't want you to see me like this, never. Oh God it *hurts*, Jack. It hurts so bad it feels like I'm dying a little at each thrust. I'm dying afer all. The man who disappeared who became a memory who finally that what I am? He's killing me with each thrust...will I be reborn again afterwards, Jack? What do you think? Will I stay dead because you didn't love me enough to save me from the dark?

I hate you...and I hate Him and I hate myself. Will He keep me even though I'm just a silent ghost? I'm sure He will. 'Cos, see, He gave me everything. He gave me food and water. He gave me light and four steps. He gave me sounds and colors and touch. He's the only one who gives me all that. He's the only one who makes me visible even though I'm dead to everyone else, including me. Yes, He does all that...He does...Master, fuck me harder, make me feel it, maybe I won't hate you so much after all. Maybe I'll be able to be reborn again. I'll forget everything I lost and everyone who forgot me. Maybe I'll even forget who I was. Let me forget everything. Hurt me, Master, God, hurt me and give me a new life.

How long ago has it been since I slept in a real bed? I'd almost forgotten how good it is. Even completely naked, I'm still warm, that's a nice feeling. I wasn't warm before, I know that now. I wasn't warm at all...cold, it was always cold. Cold and dark. So dark. But it's not dark here and it's not cold and the bed is so soft. Not like the floor. I don't like that floor...never did. Didn't have any choice but can I leave this soft place? This warm place? This wonderful light? I can't. I won't! Master is awake now. He wants me again. You have me, Master. Just keep me here. Anything you want. In any way you want. Don't forget, fuck me hard or I won't feel anything any more. On my back this time...his rough hand always so demanding. I'll like it, I know. I used to. You'll make it hurt, I know, Master. You'll make me hurt and you'll make me feel again. That can't be so bad.

Broken broken broken...What's left in this room now? Millions of pieces of Daniel. Poor little Daniel. Pathetic little man. Farewell. You won't be missed.

Master allows me to stay in the room now. Being a good boy has its reward. Andrew always told me so. I guess he was right, after all. I'm a good slut, that's even my new name. You remember I didn't want to translate what He calls me for you, Jack, don't you? That's what it means. But then I'm sure you already knew that, didn't you? That's why you left. You couldn't stand the thought of your Daniel being fucked by another man, of him getting on his hands and knees willingly -well, 'willingly' may be too strong a word but he's just so good at it. You couldn't stand the thought of him belonging to another man so you left..You left left him. Typical, well, see if we care!

Master began adorning my body with jewels today. He said it was time I wore the symbols of my new status. He thinks a body like mine deserves no less. My Lord was pleased to see that my left ear was already pierced but still had another hole added. Then He gave me a silver hoop and an emerald stud. He wanted more though and had my navel pierced as well. It didn't hurt too much. I have another stud there too. He said I needed a tattoo around my right bicep. I even have the choice of the symbol. I'll have to think about it carefully. Master was pleased. I guess I am too. I like it when I please Him. Somehow, that became *really* important.

I think I should know how long I've been here but I don' it normal? Maybe it is. My new life began when I started living in that room, after all, so maybe...nothing else matters? If I'm good enough, my Master said I'll be allowed to go out in the slave quarter with the others. I'm collared now and my Master will brand me when He returns from his journey. He said someone as beautiful as me should wear as many marks of his owner as possible. I guess I agree with Him. I wouldn't want someone else to have me, after all. Master is good to me, He knows what I need. He never leaves me in the dark, never. Even when He has to leave the House and leave me in His room, I always have a candle...when I'm being punished, though, He'll put me in the dark cell again but that's just punishment when I deserve it. Master takes care of me. He also knows I hate being alone so He allows one of His servants to stay with me. I think I really like this man, he was the one who always carried me in his arms. He's so big and his skin is so soft, all tanned. He's called Mese, that means 'oak', did you know that? He's really nice to me. Gave me a name, a better name than the other. He calls me 'Altin', it means 'golden'. That's a nice name, don't you think? That's the symbol I chose to have tatooed on my arm actually. Mese was so happy when I showed him. He's just so nice, he's always petting my hair or stroking my neck. Master gave him permission to do that or else he wouldn't be allowed to touch me at all, of course. I only belong to my Lord now...I'm His...His...

It wasn't always like this, was it? What was it like before, I wonder... Was it nice? I think I dreamed of it last night. I think it *was* nice. That Daniel had a real life of his own with someone who really loved him...Could I be him again? Could I live that life again? But then...Daniel was abandoned here. He was abandoned here to die in that place. That wasn't love, was it?

I was allowed to go out of the room today. Mese took me to the slave quarter. Keeping me close to him, as usual. There were so many people! All my Master's? I hope He won't get tired of me, then. My Lord is really wealthy... so many possessions -slaves but also servants and the guards and all those other people I didn't know...So many people- too many people, I wanted to go back to just Mese and Master. But I'd like to go there again sometime. It's nice walking and seeing more than just four walls. I like that. I'll have to thank my Lord.

Master branded me last night. I almost passed out from the pain. I didn't, though. He wouldn't have liked that at all and I just couldn't bear the thought of punishment just after the branding. But then, Master was really pleased with me and when He fucked me right afterwards, He didn't hurt me too much. Although, maybe the brand still hurt too much for me to notice anything else? I'll ask Mese his opinion about that. I showed him the brand this morning. He said he was proud of me and that it was beautiful on my body. I was happy Mese liked it. It is beautiful, he was right. I have to use a mirror if I want to see it though since it's in the middle of my lower back but then, it's a sign of my Master's ownership of me for everyone else to see so I guess *I* don't really need to see it myself. Plus, when my Lord takes me on my belly or on all fours -which are His favourite positions- He'll be able to see it each time and that will please Him to no end. When I go outside, just about everyone will see it, the pants are low enough for that. They'll all know who I belong to. It's a good thing, right? That's what I think at least. Now that I'm really looking at in the mirror, I understand why it hurt so much, it's bigger than what I thought, almost like a tattoo has an intricate design embracing a single letter, my Master's name...I'm branded now...collared and branded...what does that make me? Something more than cattle? Something more than a dog? Something less than a man, I'm sure of that.

I hate the reflection in the mirror. That little slave with the collar and now the brand...with those empty eyes and that mouth that never speaks a word anymore and smiles so rarely. So pathetic, so stupid, so weak...I hate it I hate it. I HATE HIM! I can't stand him looking at back at me. Can't stand that FUCKING MIRROR!

Dark dark dark dark...I'm sorry I'm sorry, let me out, Master! I didn't want to make you mad, please. Stop crying, stupid slut or He'll leave you here for another day. Shut up! I didn't want to disobey. I didn't know I was doing it. Stop rocking like a mad man, stop crying, *stop*! That's why you're here. Control yourself. You know He doesn't like it when you're out of control like that. Why do you do it? What always makes you lose control like that? Stupid slut who can't even keep his head for more than a week! Don't you remember the last time you did? You went back to the Dark, you promised you wouldn't do it again and now what? Now look at you! An insane slave who upsets his Master. Stop rocking stop rocking...stop, please!

Mese came and carried me back to the nice room this morning. He bathed me and took care of me before sending me to our Lord. Master ignored me all day. I had to kneel in the middle of the room, head down. He wanted me to think of my behaviour. He doesn't want crazy slaves but He loathes disobedient ones even more. I know that, I know that. I didn't realize I was trashing the place, I didn't know I was hysterical, rocking back and forth as if nothing else mattered in the world until Mese came and tried to make me stop. I didn't want to disobey any of them, I just didn't know what I was doing, that wasn't my fault, it wasn't. No no, I'm not ungrateful, please! I won't do it again...oh God, don't whip me already punished me, why do you do it again. Why! No no, I don't want to count, I hate that I hate *that*. It won't teach me to stay focused, it'll teach me that pain never stops, that's all...God...bite your tongue and don't make a sound, it'll only get worse if you do. Don't whimper, stupid slave. Learn your lesson, learn not to lose yourself in your crazy mind anymore, learn not to drift away anymore... learn to hide your anger and your desesperation...learn learn...

Master had the mirror replaced. I still don't like it but now I need it. I look at my back and I make sure I don't forget the last lesson my Lord taught me. Hide my anger, hide my despair, hide everything in a tight box so that it won't ever come out. I can do that now. Should I ever start to forget, I just have to look in the mirror. I have that lesson carved on my back. Master didn't stop the lesson at the whipping though, He didn't. Since I was so ungrateful to my owner and so disrespectful of everything He gave me, maybe I needed a little reminder of what I am and of what life could be for me. So, He gave me to some of His best soldiers for a night. Then when morning came and I was carried back to Him, He asked me if I'd finally learned. Oh yes, I had. I won't ever forget. My Lord can give or take back everything He gives me. I won't ever give Him a reason to take what I have. Ever.

My Master left for the day but had a suprise for me. He told me He was very pleased with my behaviour these past few weeks and that I was totally forgiven for my past misbehaving. Then He told me He'd allow Mese to take me out today. I couldn't believe my ears! Out! I fell on my knees and bowed to Him reverently to thank Him properly, then I stood up and kissed Him with all the passion I could. That pleased Him as well. He told me He would be back by the end of the afternoon and that I was to stay with Mese. That made me smile actually for where else would I be? Now I'm waiting for Mese to come and fetch me. I'm almost bouncing and I have some difficulty staying on my knees but I just can't stand up yet. He's here! Finally. Yes, I'm ready, can't you see? Go ahead, I'll follow you. I wanna go out. Of course I'll stay at your side, actually slightly behind you is even better since I don't like strangers anymore. I decided that the other night. Don't like anybody else but Mese and Master. That's all. What? Shoes? That makes me smile as well. Slaves don't have shoes, he should know that. Then again, Mese is a servant, not a slave- hmm interesting that. Ooops, I missed what he said. Sorry, I'm listening now. Worried about me? He's worried about me. That's nice but silly too. Why would he worry about me- Oh a fountain! There's a fountain in the middle of the garden. That's even better than the slaves quarter. There are a lot of people like everywhere else- some slaves I recognize from my little walks in their quarter. They always look at me- stare at me, even glare at me. I think they don't like me, some even seem to despise me. I don't like them. They're upsetting me. Mese senses that and pets my hair. He always knows how to calm me, I so love when he touches my hair. Mese will protect me. I go even closer to him. He tells me there's nothing to fear. He's going to take me to a secluded place in the garden. I smile at him. Mese is like Master, he takes care of me. I think I really love him as well.

I don't know what is happening but something is bothering my Master. He beat me the other day for no reason . He just needed to vent and took it up on me. That's all right, He's my Master and can use me in any way He wishes. Plus He didn't hurt me too bad, I was still able to walk the day after, but I'm worried about Him.

Master is acting in a strange way. Today He scared me a little. He'd been busy all morning and afternoon in a meeting or I don't know what, I'd stayed in the bedroom since He forbade me to leave it. I was playing with some cards He gave me a long time ago, when He kicked the doors open and entered the room in a rage. The servants just had the time to close them before He was on me, then He stripped me violently, bent me over one of the benches and fucked me raw. My Master can take me wherever, whenever and however He wants so that's not what scared me. I'm His to do as He wishes. No, what scared me was what He kept telling me while taking me. How He kept on saying no one would take me away from Him, how He wouldn't allow those off worlders to take me away. His thrusts accompanied each of his words, pounding into me and hurting me quite a bit. Of course, I didn't mind the pain but His words scared me, yes. What's happening? Who's trying to take me away and why? Who are those off worlders? What do they want from me?

It's getting worse. I don't know what to do. Last night I was awoken by a fist coming from my Master. He told me I'd been talking in my sleep, something I stopped doing so long ago I don't even remember when the last time was. I understood quite early on that speaking -even in my sleep- could only bring pain. Someone like me wasn't allowed to speak, my Master made it clear very early. He only accepted my moans and my cries. I didn't know why I'd talked in my sleep again. I didn't even remember the dream. Just a strange feeling I couldn't name. I understood my Lord wasn't pleased so I apologized in the best way I knew, I offered my body. That calmed Him and we could go back to sleep afterwards.

Mese is telling me not to worry. That our Lord will take care of everything, but doesn't tell me what this 'everything' is. My big guardian is sitting cross legged on the cushions as he always does and I crawl a little closer to him. He knows what I want and begins soothing strokes in my hair. I give him the new playing cards Master offered me some days ago and he takes them. He smiles at me, shuffles them and deals. I try to focus on the game-I want to beat Mese, he always praises me afterwards, I like that very much- but I can't do it. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I'm getting a little tired of staying in the room all the time. I know it must sound strange coming from me, but it's true. This room is my home and I feel safe in it, I used to stay in it 24/7 before, but since I've been allowed to go out from time to time, I'm also getting used to the long walks outside with Mese, to feel the sun on my face and not only because I'm standing on the balcony. It feels good. Now I miss it. I hope those off worlders Master seems so upset about will leave soon and that they will leave us alone.

What was that? I sit upright on the bed and listen carefully. I know I heard something. I look around and don't see Mese. I don't panic, though, since I know he sometimes leaves the room when I take a nap. He's near, I know that. He must be right behind the door, talking with the guards. Mese just knows everyone in the palace. I'll just have to start opening the door for him to come to me- Here again! The sound that woke me up. Shouts...I stand up and try to decipher the words. I hear a language different from the one they all speak here. It's different but seems oddly familiar. Wait- different language? God, the off worlders! That must be them. The sound is getting closer- They're here! In the room. How...where is my Master, Mese- what of the guards! What did those strangers do to them? Don't come near me! I'm against the wall, I can't go anywhere and they're still getting closer. Talking to me. I don't- I don't understand what they want but I...I understand some of their words. As if I knew that language once. How is it possible?

Don't touch me! Where's Master? Mese? Come help me, please? What do they want from me? They're three of them, two men and a woman but I can see some others in the other room. They want to take me away, that's the only thing that counts, they want to steal me from my Lord. The older man is right in front of me and he doesn't stop talking to me. I watch them all. They wear odd clothes and are armed. Did they kill my Master or Mese? Why does the man talk to me? I don't want them near- no! Keep your hands off me. The woman holds something in her hands, she's arguing with the man about it. Maybe I can take advantage of it and run? I'll find Master. He's not dead. He's not. But will I be able to pass the big man with the dark skin? He's guarding the door but I know he's watching me at the same time. They're going to take me- they're going to take me away, *away*. NO! I won't go. I try to struggle against the man but he's too strong and we fall on the floor where he restrains me. Please, don't, don't! The man has me in a tight hold, cradling me against his chest. He takes my arm and asks the woman something, then I feel a sting. What did they do to me? What did- I feel drowsy...I can't focus any more. Are they killing me, after all? But the arms around me aren't painful now, they've relaxed their hold on me and- what? The man is stroking my hair and talking softly to me. I don't understand. Is he another Master who wants me? It doesn't make sense...nothing makes sense any more. I can't stop my eyes from closing. Suddenly there're bigger arms around me and I feel myself being scooped up. I'm cradled against another chest, a broad one. The stranger feels a little like Mese. I can't stay awake. I can't do anything. I let myself be carried away from my home. Will Master come and find me? I lost my life again. *I* am lost again. I feel sleep or unconsciousness taking me away from everything and I don't resist. Nothing matters anymore.

I've been taken away from my home for what seems like a long time now and I still don't understand what happened and what is expected of me. People keep coming and talking to me in that strange language I understand so well. I hate these off worlders. I hate this place. There's too many people, always, everywhere. It's too loud, the walls are dark. I can't leave this room where they put me. I can't go anywhere, there's no window. Hands always touching me, they're not allowed to but they're doing it all the same. I can't stand it! They took my clothes away the other day and made me wear something else, made me wear something on my feet even though I didn't want to! They don't understand anything about slaves, next they'll want me to wear shoes. I had to let them take away my clothes but when they tried to take my jewels too, I didn't let them. I didn't care about the punishment I would get in return, I just couldn't let them do it. They're the symbols of my slavery, of my Master's ownership of me. Without them, I'm just a slave with no guardian. Without them, I'm a nothing. I *couldn't* let them. I wasn't punished afterwards though. I still don't know why they didn't. I don't know a lot of things. What about the man -the one who took me away. The man who seems so happy and sad at the same time. He's always touching me and talking to me softly. Who is he? Why does he keep on coming to me? Him and the other two. The woman with the sad smile and the man who feels like Mese. He doesn't talk a lot, he often comes and watches me, letting no one come near me. He feels safe, like Mese. But the other...when I look at him, I feel odd things. I feel anger and despair and something more that I can't name. That anger and despair when I'm with him...where do they come from? I don't understand. I don't understand anything any more. I'm just so lost- who will find me again? Please, who will find me?
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