101 Rules for a Successful Relationship - Rules for Jack by Terry
[Reviews - 11] Printer
Category: Jack/Daniel
Genres: Established Relationship, Humor
Rated: Adult
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: Sometimes one has to set certain boundaries in ones relationship.

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101 Rules for a Successful Relationship - Rules for Jack

1. Do not play hockey in my dining room. Ever.

2. If you must play hockey in your dining room, please, please consider what few artefacts I have there. You know, the 'rocks' and 'dust magnets'.

3. If you forget to put away said artefacts, please do not blame your breakages on the neighbour's cat.

4. If you do blame breakages on the neighbour's cat, please do not then use this as an excuse to torment said cat.

5. Normal people do not store their groceries in alphabetical order, or take such delight in eliminating the weaklings from a bunch of carrots.

6. No matter how many times you ask, I will not do that with a stick of celery.

7. Real guacamole, the stuff we get from the delicatessen, contains chilli. There are places where you just shouldn't put it.

8. Er… ditto with the Wing Yip saté sauce.

9. It's probably best to avoid the barbecue sauce altogether.

10. Mysterious bags hidden in the closet are meant to be a surprise.

11. Mysterious bags hidden in the closet should not be brought out in the middle of an SGC barbeque when you are trying to find space for people's coats.

12. Mysterious bags hidden in the closet should not be brought out in the middle of an SGC barbeque and their contents tipped all over the lounge floor. People will never believe that you wore THAT outfit in special ops, no matter how special you say the op was.

13. Strange as it may seem, not everyone likes fishing. It's a crushing blow for a man like you, I know, but I'm sure you'll be able to think of something else to pass the time next time we're at the cabin. Preferably not involving maggots or tackle jokes.

14. Your truck is not your baby. Do you have any idea what it looks like when you start fondling it in public? Obviously not. Sam practically had an embolism.

15. The t-shirt with the logo 'I'm with Stupid' is not funny. I mention this particularly because Teal'c was singularly unimpressed and has since mentioned on several occasions the sort of treatment a man of my calibre should expect in a relationship. Once even in PowerPoint form, believe it or not, after everyone else had gone home. It was a strangely moving experience, and I was quite touched. You know what I mean.

16. The lady in the store did not need to know that my new grey cashmere was 'just like my old coat, but without the straps that tied round the front'.

17. Naqauda is not the cure for Kryptonite induced injuries. You know exactly why Sam didn't find the substitution of her bath salts amusing.

18. Never forget that I know how you scared off Cassie's boyfriend. Demonic possession, my ass. Her head never span round.

19. Rampant flatulence cannot be blamed on Oma Desala.

20. Neither is it any kind of deity moving in a mysterious way. Though I will concede your point on it being omnipresent.

21. Please, please do not go commando in the briefing room.

22. If you must go commando in the briefing room, please refrain from using phrases such as 'valuable assets', 'hidden agenda', or 'something's come up'.

23. When in a meeting with General Hammond, General Carter and Teal'c, it is not wise to refer to a follicly-challenged dignitary as 'old baldy-bonce'.

24. The red phone in the General's office is not the bat phone.

25. One does not say 'well spank me rosy' to the president. I don't care if he does have an Aunt Rosie.

26. The explanation 'to put right what once went wrong, hoping each time that the next leap will be the leap home', will not cut much ice with the guys from the Pentagon.

27. Things not to call me in the briefing room: 1) sugar.

28. Things not to call me in the briefing room: 2) honeybuns. Even IF Janet does it.

29. Things not to call me in the briefing room: 3) baby. This is just plain wrong on so many levels. For a start, it makes me think that you want to treat me the same way as you do your truck (see rule 14). I end up with all kinds of bizarre mental images of you saying things like 'ride it hard and put it away dirty'. It's just plain not fair.

30. Look… it really is just safest to stick with 'Daniel', okay. Be right back. Must go and have a shower. A very, very, cold shower.

31. Right… well… back. Damp, but yet still strangely sticky (I did mention the barbeque sauce, right?). So. You've probably lost interest in these by now. I know you, Jack. You'll get to rule 10 or 15, and then you'll just skim the rest, looking for dirty words. So I guess I can have some fun. For the rest of the rules, when I mean 'that' act, I will use the word 'briefing' or 'briefed'. Heaven knows, there's no easier way to get you to ignore a document than by including the word 'briefing' in it. For your 'good buddy', I've substituted 'agenda'. Hmm.

32. One should always go into a briefing with a well-prepared agenda.

33. There is an optimal duration for a briefing in so far as it is always possible for a briefing to be too short. It is never, ever possible for a briefing to be too long. If uncertain, please discuss with the team's cultural and social expert.

34. It is acceptable for archaeologists to voice their opinion in whatever manner they see fit during a briefing. Of necessity, this may include a certain amount of blasphemy issued at high volume. Archaeologists should not then be called on their manner of self-expression in public places, i.e. O'Malleys on a Friday night when half the base is in.

35. It is perfectly acceptable for briefings to be held at (or on) a briefing table. By definition, it is expressly designed for this purpose.

36. Briefings may, when convenient, take place in an alternative, mutually acceptable location elsewhere on base; especially in an otherwise 'out-of-hours' situation. Suitable venues may include, but are not limited to, the office of one of the attendees, the leather chair in General Hammond's office, and that old favourite, a handy storage closet.

37. I am actually quite partial to emergency briefings. I find that they help keep me on my toes. We all know how useful it can be to be prepared for any eventuality… able to spring into action… to attention… ready for anything… oh, lord, what is up with me tonight? Er, right, where was I? Oh, mmm. Yes. And you can stop looking at me like that for a start.

38. At least once a month, in order to uphold the standards to which the air force aspires, one should wear ones dress blues to a briefing.

39. Oh, and the sunglasses too. Please.

40. A quick briefing will often help to maintain morale during long stays off-world.

41. Mud can be good. Dirt boy?

42. I am occasionally forgetful; I may need to be re-briefed shortly after a prior briefing.

43. Jealousy can be good, caution commendable, but I would never, ever consider having a sexual relationship with a Unas, Jack. Credit me with slightly more taste and sense than that. So. Cut it out.

44. Oh, and the same goes for Freya and Anise. Chaka has better dress sense. And a better agenda.

45. Chronos and Yu just weird me out. As I may have mentioned previously, the slave thing was for a charity gig and was just that one time. No matter how many tawdry little fantasies you have about it.

46. Sam, Janet, and Doris the lady from catering are similarly no threat. They're either too much like family or they have way too much information pertaining to my internal organs for me to feel comfortable in that sort of a situation.

47. And General Hammond gets that gleam in his eyes, sometimes. Three times last summer he looked at me, and then proceeded to explain some bizarre kind of hog-tying competition in rather graphic detail. I felt so dirty.

48. Major Davis, while cute, is just too much the sycophant for my liking. So you're off the hook there, too O'Neill, more fool me.

49. Though I should watch Teal'c. He's got a soft spot for me a mile wide and everyone knows it.

50. And Jacob. He calls me Danny, you know.

51. Lumpy the toy camel does not have, nor need 'top level security clearance'. So the pass can go right back. Though I have to admit that the photo is kind of cute.

52. And the simulation featuring Lumpy and Siler was really an unfair training exercise for the cadets.

53. It is not necessary to look at my ass on missions when you say 'I'll watch your six'.

54. Though it's nice to know you care, obviously.

55. Adding 'in accordance with the prophesy' to anything I say to a tribal elder is likely to do a serious amount of damage.

56. Your P-90 does not transform into a robot toy.

57. Beer goggles are not standard military equipment, and as such cannot be requisitioned.

58. I'll admit that the cardboard cut out of Apophis you left in Simmons' car was rather amusing, even if it was a total breach of security.

59. Though I hear that the cut out has since taken on a life of its own and now stands in the corner of his office wearing his wife's underwear. Unconfirmed sources tell me that during last year's Christmas party, someone even offered it money for services rendered. And no, I do not have photographic evidence to prove it, you sick, sick boy.

60. There are only so many times that the general will buy the line 'Aliens made me do it', and you passed that some time ago.

61. Spongebob made me do it will likewise never work.

62. The cameras on the MALPs are actually extremely sensitive, so drawing a face on certain parts of your anatomy and waving them at the camera to show the good folks back home just what an exciting new alien race we've uncovered is not a good idea.

63. It's not a furling, Jack.

64. Neither is it appropriate to refer to any Jaffa leader's symbiote as his 'trouser snake'.

65. As rule 62 above, only with the Star Wars action figures.

66. Expanding on rules 62 and 65 above, it is unwise to refer to SG-3 as either the rebel alliance, Team Rocket, or the Brady Bunch.

67. You are not Sexual Liaison officer.

68. No matter the result of a game of hockey, it is not acceptable to commandeer the Prometheus just so you can buzz Canada.

69. If, at any point, I am in traction in the infirmary, it is not amusing to say, 'that's it, push', or 'I can see the baby's head'.

70. It is offensive to place a sign on the CAT scan machine that reads 'you must be at least this tall to go on this ride'.

71. Interrupting Janet during my physical is likely to do you more harm than it is me.

72. I see that you've been steadily excavating your ear with your pen for the last five minutes now. And you will keep looking up at me with THAT expression, which I do find desperately appealing, off-putting exercise with the pen notwithstanding. So, just how far have you got? Convenient. Well, I never said that it had to be 101 rules EACH, after all. Okay. Last one. I guess I'd better make it a good one. Okay, this has been bugging me for a while. I feel that it kind of set the gold standard that you've pretty much been trying to aspire to for the last seven years or so. And that is, writing 'for the next time you fancy a good blow' on the side of a box of Kleenex and sending it to me through the gate is not amusing.

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