A Hard Place In Need Of A Rock by Debi C
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Category: General
Genres: Challenge, Smarm
Rated: Pre-Teen
Warnings: None
Series: None
Summary: To the challenge: "Between a rock and a hard place." A lost Archaeologist. SG12 borrows Daniel and he gets into trouble. What a surprise.

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Author's Chapter Notes:
Really bad language due to a really bad day.
"...oh, my poor head. Wait a minute, where am I? It's dark. It's hard. My head hurts. Can't see. Look over...where? Where the hell am I? Ooooh, my head...don't move the head...sticky on my head! Damn it! Can't move my leg, arm...no make that legs. Shit! Jack's gonna be so pissed at me. My fucking head hurts...."

"Oh, my head...oh, my poor head. Wait a minute, where am I? I'm still here. Where's here? Damn it's dark! Still can't move legs and one arm. Shit! Jack's gonna be so pissed at me. My fucking head hurts...."

"Oh, my head...All right, all right. Let's try this again, shall we. Think Daniel, think. My fucking head hurts....I'm on 3P4812. I was with...who was I with? Lessee, SG 12 was here and I was with...SG 12. Archaeological dig in a cave on the side of mountain...was in chamber...damn it. Can't see a thing down here. Down here? Oookay, was on an Archaeological dig with SG 12 on planet... Was walking down passageway...and that's it. Where was I walking to? Down the passageway, down into the chamber and fell... down... fell down... fell down into... pit? chamber? hole? Shit! Jack's gonna be so pissed at me. My fucking head hurts...."

"Damn it. I'm back, my fucking head hurts so fucking bad. I can't move my damn legs, and I'm in a fucking hole. Shit. What a stupid bastard! And damn SG 12 doesn't know where I am. Why? Cause I forgot to tell them I was going to go down this piss-ass passageway. I am such a moron! Shit! Jack's gonna be so pissed at me. My fucking head hurts...."

Well! This is another fine mess you've gotten me into! I hope you're satisfied!

"What? Who said that?"

Me! I said it. Do you have any idea what you have done this time Doctor Daniel Alexander Jackson PhD, MA, BA and moron to the nth degree?

"Who are you?"

Who am I? I'm obviously the one who should have been in charge. I wouldn't have let us go down this cursed passageway, fall in this ludicrous hole, injuring us. Not to mention not telling anyone what we were doing or where we were going.

"Okay, and that makes you who?"

Whom, and that makes me whom, dear, injudicious, imprudent boy. That makes me your Ego, your adult self. You know, the one who should have been in charge, instead of the excitable, whiny infant that led you down this pitfall strewn garden path to this place...caught between a rock and a hard place.

"Wait a second, you mean you're my...you're me?"

NO! I am not YOU! If I were you, you would not be here. I am your Ego, your Parent, and your smarter self. The one you distinctly do NOT listen to in spite of the fact that I obviously possess the common sense portion to this episode of the Lifestyles of the Unwise and Obtuse!

"You sound like Jack."

Insults will get you nowhere. If I sound like anyone, I sound like Teal'c. You really should listen to him more often, dear boy. You would be much better served.

"Shut up. My head hurts."

Now that sounds like Jack. Do you see the difference? No. Of course you don't. You are so besotted!

"Are you going to help me or just bitch?"

Help you? Help you? How in heavens name can I help you? You are the one who left his safe corner in this rather primitive dig site and went wandering down this dark corridor and fell in this preposterous hole my dear boy. I cannot do anything to help you, because I can no more move my legs, my arm or stop our rather hard head from bleeding all over our new DCU uniform than you can, you negligent, inattentive ignoramus! All though, I must admit I do not care for either the fit or the color scheme. Beige and brown do not suit us dear boy. I would much rather be in the BDUs or in fact, in that attractive chambray button down and loose fitting Dockers. It is much more comfortable and the cut of the hips is so....

"Stop it! Just stop it! I cannot believe that my ego is a fashion consultant for GQ. I'm stuck in the bottom of a fucking hole with my pissy mouthed, clothing conscious EGO! I like the DCUs! I don't have to worry about getting them dirty or torn, and I can carry stuff in the pockets. Stuff in the pockets...food?"

Oh that's right...don't worry about getting us out...let's just eat. That will make it oh, so much better.

"Well, actually, it can't hurt and it may make it better. Ouch, shit! Did I break a tooth? Jeeze."

How will eating help? And yes, I believe you did break a tooth. That would be just typical of you, wouldn't it? What is in the pocket?

"Let's see...what's in the pocket? Candy bar, chewing gum, bottle of water, Motrin bottle, flashlight...flashlight?"

You have a flashlight, and you weren't using it. How typical. How utterly typical.

"Shut up! It doesn't work, remember?"

Oh, that makes it all right then, not to use the flashlight that we were carrying because it doesn't work. And why pray tell, doesn't it work?

"It's broke."

Oh, wonderful. Now, you're channeling Jack again.

"Well at least I'm not channeling NICK! Don't think I don't know who you are! I know you're the Nick Ballard part of me that's trying to make me as crazy as you. You've always been there, just waiting to come out."

Oh, don't be absurd! I am not Nicholas Ballard. I will never be that addlepated!

"Well, don't let me burst your little balloon, but you've already been in a psycho ward...and at the rate this conversation is going, you'll be back there as soon as Major Phelan finds us. Now. Go away...I'm going to sleep."

Fine. Just fine.

"Report, Major Phelan. What do you mean, 'he just disappeared'? What did I tell you before you left the SGC? I distinctly remember saying, 'Major Phelan, keep an eye on Daniel. You have to watch him. He has a tendency to get excited and wander off. You may have to assign someone to watch his six, he loses track of time.' No! I do not want to hear it. Where and when was the last place you saw him? Twelve hours ago? Twelve hours? Christ on a bicycle! Major, you are an id...never mind!"

"Jack will find me...he always does."

Jack will find me...he always does. Is that the best you can do? Rely on Jack to find us? Jack the rock...Jack the rock-headed more like it.

"Stop it! He is not rock-headed! Well, not really. And what would you suggest? We're, shit, I'm stuck in the hole with my legs and one arm pinned and a bleeding head wound."

Well, I would have suggested that we not fall in the bloody hole to begin with. But since I obviously didn't have any choice in the matter, I suppose I could suggest shouting.

"Shouting? That makes sense, being as there is no one here to hear us...uh, me shouting."

Well, what would you suggest my infantile little cretin.? We cannot free our self, we don't have much food or water left, and we are injured.

"Shouting...okay. I can do shouting. JACK! HELP! SOMEBODY! ANYBODY! JACK!"

Why pray tell are you shouting for Jack?

"Why not?"

Jack is not here, you imbecile. Jack O'Neill is safe and sound back at the SGC doing his paperwork, drinking his coffee and is perfectly happy thinking that you are safe and sound playing with your rocks! He cannot hear you, nor does he care too.

"That's not true! I've been gone too long...I think a day at least. Rob Phelan will report back in that I'm missing...


"That I'm missing and Jack will come and look for us...me. He'll find me. I know he will."

Unless he's gone fishing with that attractive Major/Doctor Carter.

"Stop it. Sam doesn't like to fish. She'd rather work on her Harley and before you say it, Teal'c doesn't like to fish either."

He's never even offered to take you fishing. At least he invites them.

"He invited me!"

When you had appendicitis. When he knew you couldn't go. Face it Daniel, your Mister Perfect Colonel Jack O'Neill is back on Earth having a bloody marvelous time with someone else, anyone else, and you're stuck in this bloody, stupid hole in the bloody, stupid cave on this bloody, stupid planet. When I think...

"Wait, shut up!"

There's no use denying it, dear boy. He's not...

"Will you fucking shut up and listen a minute? There! Do you hear that?"

Oh, marvelous. Now, we're hallucinating.

"We've...I've been hallucinating...I'm talking to you aren't I? Shsssh. There, do you hear it?"

Oh, you mean that little scrabbling noise? It's been there for sometime. Are you inattentive as well as obtuse?

"Shit! Oh shit! It's rats!"

Now why would you think its rats? It could be lizards or snakes or bugs or for that matter it could be a Goa'uld seeking a new host. Rats, indeed. Piffle!

"No, it's rats! I know its rats. I've heard rats...in Egypt...in college... at the dig in...well, in Egypt in my Junior year!"

Yes, yes, I was there too, remember? Honestly, Daniel. They were only rats.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Now, you must calm down. The rats in Egypt on that pathetic little college dig did not hurt you.

"They bit me! They fucking bit me!"

But not much. They only nibbled. Here, here's a rock.

"They're coming, I can hear them. JACK! JACK! WHERE ARE YOU, HELP ME! GOD DAMN IT. I NEED YOU!"

"Okay, campers. Here's what we've got. Doctor Jackson was last seen twenty-four hours ago here in this tunnel that leads into these three other tunnels. We know he hasn't come out of the cave so that means he's still somewhere inside. He could have gone down anyone of them, and we don't know where they might lead to. So, what we're going to have to do is split up into three pairs. Teal'c, you'll go with Carter; Phelan, take Powell; Bell, you're with me. Now, be careful. These caves are honeycombed with shafts and potholes and dollars to donuts Daniel has taken a bad fall. We don't need any more injuries...everybody got it? Good! Synchronize watches, report on the hour. Let's go." (I'm going to kill him...first I'm gonna find him and make sure he's okay, then I'm gonna kil! l him!)

"Oh, my head..."

Well, it's about time! Why did you do that? That was asinine.

"What happened?"

You panicked like a stupid child. You panicked because of some silly rats, then you hyperventilated and then you passed out. That will protect you from the rats very well, don't you agree?

"No, you're right. It was stupid. But...I can't think straight. My head hurts, and I'm thirsty."

Well, of course you are. You're dying. You always hurt when you die. It's a rule somewhere.

"No. You're just saying that. Leave me alone."

Well, since I am you...that's rather impossible isn't it?

"Shut up."


"Yes, Major Carter?"

"I'm really worried."

"As am I. It has been well over forty-two hours since Danieljackson was reported missing.

"Do you think we'll find him?"

"I am certain that we will find him. I am not certain that he will be alive."

"Yeah, I know. The Colonel is very upset."

"Indeed so, he values Danieljackson greatly."

"So do we. We need to be there when he finds Daniel."

"We will be, Majorcarter. We will be."

"Where are you, Danny? Where, the hell are you? Did I miss something, a sign, a noise, a signal? Where are you...where are you...where are you? Oh, God, please help me find him."

"Jack, where are you? Please, I...I need you...I need your help. Please."

Please stop that. He's not coming.

"Yes, he is."

He can't find us. It's been too long. General Hammond will order him back.

"He won't leave me! He won't! Jack doesn't leave anyone behind!"

He's left you behind before, on Klorel's ship, on Nem's planet...

"He thought I was dead. He won't stop searching until he finds me. He said he won't leave anyone behind."

He's a liar. He lies, he has lied, he will lie.

"NO, no, go away, leave me alone, leave...me...alone...."

Like he did?

"No, no, nonono.....please, no...Jack?"

"Daniel, where are you? Please, Danny. It's been two days, almost three. Hammond had to recall SG12. We were running out of supplies, and they've been here a week. Next he'll recall us...but I won't go. I won't leave you Danny...I can't. I've left you too many times. But not this time buddy. Not this time. Carter, and Teal'c, and me, we're not leaving...not without you."

"Teal'c, I'm worried about the Colonel."

"As am I."

"I don't think he'll leave the planet without Daniel."

"I agree. But neither will I leave."

"Then, I won't either."

"I know."

"Daniel! Daniel! Damn it, Danny, answer me! Whoa, what's this? Another tunnel? Boy it's back in here in this little space. We musta missed it the first time. Carter! Teal'c! Come here. I think I found something."

"Jack?" Cough. "Jack!"


"Hole, Jack...careful."

"DANNY? ARE YOU DOWN THERE? ARE YOU HURT? DANNY! Carter, Teal'c...I've found him. I've found him! Bring some rope! DANNY, ARE YOU HURT? I'm coming down...Danny, talk to me. It's darker than a sin down here, I can't see you....Danny, let me hear you voice, buddy.... Danny, where are you?...OKAY, I'm down. Slack up on the rope. Daniel?

"Daniel, talk to me. Come on, big guy let me know where you're at. Danny buddy, I've got you. Can you hear me? Are you hurt? Daniel?"

"Jack, Ja...k."

"CARTER, TEAL'C. I'VE FOUND HIM! HE'S HURT. THROW ME A BOTTLE OF WATER AND THE LIGHT! Here we go Danny, take some water, easy. I got ya, you're safe now. We'll get cha out. Oh, God. Daniel? TEAL'C, WE NEED THE ROPES! I'm gonna move some of these rocks to get your legs free. There ya go. Daniel, I'm gonna tie this rope around ya and Teal'c will pull you up. Okay? You got it? Okay, big guy...yea, I'm right behind ya."


"Yeah, Danny?"

"You came..."

"Yeah, Danny. We found you. It'll be okay now."

"Thanks Jack."

"Anytime buddy. Anytime at all."

Well, there! I hope your satisfied. Now we're back and that cute little wench Doctor, is coming back with large syringes to fill you full of unknown chemical concoctions.

"Where am I?"

You know very well that you are in the infirmary...again! I do hope you're satisfied. HE came to get you. Just like you said he would.

"I knew he would."

But he's very unhappy with you.

"Nothing new there."

But he came.

"I know."

"Hey, how ya feeling?"

"A little tired, but good."

"You scared me this time. I thought we'd lost you for good."

"No.... knew you'd find me."



"When you get out of here, do you want to go fishing? We can go up to the cabin for a week. You know, a little sun, a little rest, a little fishing? Just us two, we can talk about, ya know, stuff."



"Uh, huh."


Cool! We're going fishing!
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